How can I teach myself to be a more affectionate, loving person?

Woah…this is a really tough question. To be honest, I have the same difficulties as you. I do love my family, but I never express it out. Something in me just always holds me back even though I love them a lot.

Anyways, I believe a great way to approach any relationship problems is to sympathize with others. Imagine how great they would feel just to see a little of your affections. Or imagine if today is their last day alive, and amplify your urge to show them that you care!

Good Luck.

Well, the kissing when greeting people you could just fake it til you make it. Eventually it will probably start to feel normal. I actually hate the tradition, don’t like the idea of being so close to someone who might get me sick. Hopefully family would stop you from the kiss if they were getting a scratch in their throat.

@cynicaldeath is right. This is a tough question.

Don’t be too hard on yourself for starters. Learning to be open and vulnerable takes time and comes with a lot of bruises.

I learned to be open and spontaneous with expressing my affection by doing it with my significant other first. I gradually increased that to a close circle of friends and family.

These days I’m open to most, but I do have people that I’m guarded with. It’s a situational thing.

Best of luck to you.

Plus, not wanting to kiss when greeting does not make you cold. If you are American you could just move to the midwest, most people there hug only when a long time has passed from seeing each other, not kiss, except maybe the Italians? But, people you see often usually no hug or kiss. Or, move to Asia, bowing always sounds good to me. You are letting your family get in your head and label you. Don’t let that happen. There are plenty of very loving, giving, people who are not very physical.

I also have this habit of pushing people away. In me, it stems from a pretty poor opinion of myself. I can’t imagine why anyone would love me or value me. That has to do with certain things I didn’t learn in childhood—such as that I was any good. Such as that I was always a disappointment. Such as that, as a disappointment, I didn’t deserve my parents love or help.

I’ve had a few years of therapy now. I’ve learned that no matter whether these feelings are true or not, they don’t help me. I might as well act as if I’m lovable, because if I act as if I’m not, I get nowhere. The worst that could happen is that my family members tell me I’m still no good. Well, I’ve been living in that knowledge for most of my life already. What else is new?

Another thing I’ve learned is how not to let these horrible thoughts about myself get to me. It has to do with giving into the thoughts. Not fighting them. Admitting I’m helpless over them. Somehow, this reduces their strength, and that allows me to be more successful at feeling the feelings and thinking the thoughts, but not letting that bother me. I know they are useless thoughts, so I can look at them and shrug my shoulders and say “that’s nice,” and turn my attention to more useful things.

Some people find that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works better to stop telling yourself these messages. If that works for you, fine. But I think that method isn’t as good as mindfulness practice (which is kind of what I was describing).

Why don’t you pretend like you are an actress playing the role of a very lovable and caring women. In other words try faking it and perhaps it will help you to find that very lovable person that you really are. Way down deep inside of you, past all of the negativity, bad memories, pain and anger you will find that warm, loving, affectionate person that you seek. It may not be easy but nothing ventured nothing gained.

Also you may consider professional counseling.

Try touching people you know on the shoulder, on an arm. Look at them in the eye as you do this. You’ll be able to tell if they welcome that or not. Think of the contact as something you are giving them and try to respond more to what they would like, not what you are concerned about. I used to be much more standoffish, but find I can even react to strangers when I see they could use a touch of some kind. I may touch them on the shoulder or arm and ask if they are okay. Many people lead lives with no touching of any kind in their lives. I smile at people I don’t know and usually get a return smile. It’s because I really believe we are all in this world together and need to be in some kind of contact with our fellow travelers. It’s part of who I would like to be, so I work at it. I try to think of others more than I do of myself. Try it. Usually you get a very warm sense of other people. There are cranky exceptions, but they are infrequent and I don’t let them bother me.

You can learn to behave more in line with the people around you, I suppose, if you wanted to. I’m assuming you have to kiss everyone in greeting even if you don’t like it particularly. The things you actually do, your actions, are for sure a big part of who you are.

Would changing the way you behave change your underlying personality, will you suddenly feel a tremendous urge to hug and kiss a family member? Imagine the feeling you get when you see a delicious chocolate cake, you want it! it has seduced you, you FEEL this urge to eat it. That is because it is in your personality to love chocolate cake, yup. Not everyone faints with joy at the sight of chocolate cake….. maybe you don’t, even. It is just the way you ‘feel’ about chocolate cake.

What I’m trying to say is, accept your personality the way it is, I know it sounds hokey but we are all different and ain’t nothing wrong with that. Believe me there are a lot of people who could care less about chocolate acting like they love it sooo much just to fit in. Decide what’s important to you, chocolate cake, kisses, nuclear physics. If it is important stick to your guns and be true to who you really are, your feelings, your needs. If it is being polite to distant relatives you see twice a year…. maybe in that scenario it’s not THAT essential to assert your personality. Have fun, be you, take it easy.

Wow, I had no idea that this many people felt the same way as me. I too have always been unable to easily express emotions, even to those close to me.

The first step, I think, is to pinpoint the cause of why this is. @wundayatta puts it very well for him/herself. After that, try to notice times when you are in fact more emotional. For me, I found that when I really let my guard down with certain friends, I found it easier to be warm toward them. Take those instances, and try to replicate them in other aspects of your life.

The main thing is that you’re aware of this, so you’ve already taken a huge step. Bravo!

You should get a puppy…Animals are a lot easier to show emotion to. And they don’t judge so there is no possible way you could embarrass yourself in front of your pet. Maybe it’ll be good practice.

I was thinking that you actually have two issues. One is not liking the physical kissy kissy stuff, and the other is a trust issue (the fear of rejection). If the people around you are not trustworthy, one way to help cure this is to start surrounding yourself with people who are honest, have integrity, and are giving and loving. Your environment, the people around you, will matter a lot. I don’t know if by rejection you mean they are quick to judge, or say something that makes you feel badly about yourself, or actually ostracised you, or a breakup with a boyfriend or friend or what? If you are very young, I am here to say that adults are way more compassionate and trustworthy than teens generally. If you are an adult and are repeating patterns of your family, and your family is not trustworthy, you have to break your pattern. I could be way off on my theory here, just a theory.

The other stuff is just cultural stuff, and it is ok to not like it. Donald Trump doesn’t like to shake hands, he has to do it most of the time, because of his position and our culture.

Remember this: love is a two-way street, especially with your bf. Receiving love and not giving love can cause many problems. I think you have discovered this already.

Lets face it, some people are just incapable of expressing their love. Its either in their genes or its from rejection as a child.

How do you turn this around? Remember the childrens book of the little engine that said, I Think I Can, I Think I Can?

This is you. Your mind controls your body. Here is what I do. I tell myself that love comes in three catagories, boyfriend/wife/husband. I love these people and they deserve a hug for loving me. I go for it. Next, are strangers/semi-strangers. I ask myself, will a hug be benefical to either one of us, in this situation? I usually answer yes and here I go.

Like I said, your mind controls your body. You can probably tell that I am a huggy person. This is true.

Only you can make this change in yourself. Be aggresive and make the first move to show some affection to the people you love. You will be glad you did.

I might be going against the grain here, but I recommend that being yourself is the best of all options. If it feels awkward and unnatural for you to be a “loving and affectionate” person, going out of your way to present/change/conduct yourself differently may only end up doing more harm than good.

That said, I wouldn’t be anyone other than yourself. Stick with and confide in the people that accept and try to understand you for you and push away the people that may try to make you feel like there’s something wrong with you. Perhaps you just show your affection in different ways. Unless you really believe you have some sort of deeply rooted trust issues, I don’t think tweaking your changing yourself will make you any happier.

When you figure it out, let me know. I’m twenty, and I have the same issue, maybe not quite to that extent.. but I do feel cold sometimes. I’m getting worse as I get older and have gone through more relationships. I think, like you said, that it’s kind of a defense mechanism.. an unfortunate and self-destructive one.