Think you can write jokes for late night monologues?

So, did everyone see the super moon last weekend?

Yeah, I thought I’d never see it being so cloudy here. That was until I saw my wife come out of the shower.

The economy is the worst it’s ever been, and there’s no sign of recovery, so you have to save where you can. Especially on luxury items. I found a good way to save, though. I cancelled my subscriptions to Hustler and Penthouse and just hang out at an airport security scanner. You get all the porn you need, and it’s absolutely free.

I see the conflict in Libya took a turn for the worse this week.
Colonel Gaddafi is threatening to deploy his most effective anti-aircraft weapon to repel the attacks…...the Lockerbie bomber! Controversy reigns supreme.

Firefox 4 was released yesterday. You can now download the latest version of the browser which is said to be much faster than it’s previous version.

Men around the world rejoice as they can now squeeze in one more video before their wives get home.

OK so I’ve always been told I belong on the stage…. might just be scrubbing it though :-)

So allegedly deputy prime minister has slept with no more than 30 women .... still got a ways to go to catch up with Chancellor Osbourne though… he’s screwing the whole country…... allegedly.
thank you, thank you!! .... I’m here all week :-)
<crooked cane comes on stage from the wings and drags me off….>

I like it, @bunnygrl !

Letterman i never find funny, so it should be easy for me to write one for his show: The rebels in Benghazi are drinking a new cocktail at the end of their fighting filled day; a Libya Libre.

@Skaggfacemutt lol <hugs> xx

I just don’t understand all of this newfangled technology these days. Every time I turn around there’s a new ipad or an i-pot or g-mail or a g-spot. I just don’t get it. I’d just be happy to have a phone where I could actually make a friggin’ phone call and have the other person on the end of the line be able to hear me without me having to shout, “Can you hear me now?” I know everybody else in the grocery store check out line heard me now! I guess I just don’t appreciate all of the new gadgets and information super-highways, but maybe it’s just because I don’t want to stop and ask for directions. I have no idea what Wi-fi even is, just last night I was trying to read a book by the light of a fire-fly. Not the phone called a fire-fly, a real firefly. The reason I was sitting outside, under the light of the fireflies, was because my so called Smart Phone locked me out of the house and then it scolded me with a terse British accent! Smart phone, my foot, it’s more like a Smart Ass Phone!

Can you believe alll the lying going on over the Japanese Earthquake-Tsunami-Melt Down?
The government keeps saying everything is fine, nothing to see here, and yet we hear that Spinach and Milk from the area have too much radiation. Yesterday they admitted the tap water has twice the amount of radiation considered safe for children, but they are still acting like it’s no big thing.
This morning there was a release of white smoke from one of the nuclear power reactors.
The government just said the plutonium just elected a new Pope!

too soon? AFLAC

To word today was that the brave Japanese workers at the crippled Fukushima nuclear plant suffered a setback; molten radioactive sludge escaped from the reactor and tumbled into the ocean. Soon after the nation ran short of sushi as all the fish were boiled on sight and all the clams and lobsters steamed. The workers did not get discouraged and made the best of it, since they had a fire going they trucked in weenies to roast along with the steamed clams and lobster for a glowing good time at the 1st annual Fukushima Luau. <cymbal crash>

@Kardamom don’t quit your day job.

justin bieber oficially hit puberty.
The doctors have been suspecting this for the last few months when his voice got a little deeper. But now they are absolutely sure because he finally grew a dick. The dick was discovered when they were examining justin’s body with a microscope

Top 10 overheard things at a summer BBQ

#10 – Would you like to taste my poisonous marshmellows? They’re quite delicious.
#9 – What are you doing here? You were not invited!
#8 – Have you seen last night’s “Late Show with David Letterman”? He showed that jeter’s place picture again.
...#7 – Watch out! Here comes Charlie Sheen! Hide the ardent spirits.
#6 – Don’t you dare to open the beer cans, drink all of it and then replace it by urine!
#5 – What?! Only just 5 minutes have passed by and you are already drunk?!
#4 – Please don’t defecate in the garden or else you’re gonna ruin this BBQ.
#3 – Dudes with body hair can stay shirtless and go drink beer with the guys, while the ones without body hair have to go to the kids’s corner and have a glass of milk
#2 – OUCH! I burned my genitals in the grill.
#1 – Hey, mr grill man, the people are starving! Please hurry up with those weiners. (I mean sausages)

Top 10 things overheard at a normal day on the tapings of “the Late Show”

#10 – And now, here’s your host Larry King (told by the announcer)
#9 – You guys do refunds? Because I want my money back! (every person in the audience after the end of the show asking in the ticket line)
# 8 – Is that lady Gaga dressed as an old man? (Some dude in the audience wondering)
#7 – Oh no! That’s Jeter’s place. (david says while showing a picture of a mansion in the screen)
# 6 – Oh. Too bad Jay was out of inspiration today. The show was not funny at all. (a fan of Jay Leno who attended the wrong show)
#5 – I have to dump this guy and take my band to play in a decent show. (Paul Shaffer reflecting)
#4 – Seriously Dave, I really think you should retire. Come on, you’re too old for this. (some executive of CBS advising Dave)
#3 – Come on! Someone has to change Dave’s diaper. (the producer of the show when the incontinent Letterman soiled his diaper once again)
#2 – Don’t worry people. Dave is on his way from the nursing home. He will be here in 10 minutes. (The production anounces to the people in the audience a few moments before the start of the show)
#1 – Why do I have to go the Ed Sullivan theater in New York City to see an old man talking about boring stuff for about one hour when I can do that by just going to the local church? (a rational person asks)

Top 10 signs you’re going through puberty

#10 You sleep in your underpants.
#9 You notice Kim Kaqrdashian’s ass, but wait, everybody notices Kim Kardashian’s ass, in fact, it is impossible not to notice it.
#8 No girl likes you.
#7 Your face gets burned due to excessive use of proactiv.
#6 You get bullied at school by older kids.
#5 Your voice cracks, and so does your brain.
#4 You didn’t really pay attention to joke no.4 because you were too busy licking your recently grown armpit hair.
#3 You get so horny that you may start tweeting pictures of your genitalia.
#2 You get molested in the school gym shower by younger kids who have bigger genitals than you.
#1 People will no longer mistake you for Justin Bieber .

Did you guys saw the eclipse?
Yeah, last sunday morning the earth got dark for a few moments and scientists thought that there was an eclipse.
But later on, they found out that there was actually no eclipse. Kim Kardashian was out there on space getting a tan on her ass and accidentally she blocked all the sun light that got to the earth.
Luckily, she soon noticed that and quickly stepped aside so that the period of darkness was not longer than just a few seconds.

@MASTEROFKITTENS Those aren’t funny at all, so I guess you could write for Leno.

Actually I stole these from him

@MASTEROFKITTENS Bahahahahahahaha. Bahahahaha! That is pure gold.

Sarah Palin.

@erichw Jay Leno thanks you for the support.

Top 10 amazing things that could happen this summer

# 10— Anthony Weiner gets his crotch x-rayed.
# 9 – Jay Leno gets suspended from hosting the “Tonight Show” due to a scandal involving him tweeting photos of his chin.
# 8 – Justin Bieber finally grows body hair.
# 7 – A women from the republican side with an IQ superior to 5 gets involved in the presidential campaign.
# 6 – Charlie Sheen goes to Rehab for the 119987654th time.
# 5 -The madam Tussauds museum opens a wax replica of Kim Kardashian’s ass.
# 4 – Scientists discover that Kanye West actually has a brain.
# 3 – Lindsay Lohan gets arrested for stealing her own belongings.
# 2 -The super-old dinosaur David Letterman retires and moves to the Guggenheim museum.
# 1 – Lady Gaga finally dresses like a normal person.

@MASTEROFKITTENS Seriously? A total of 0 of those were funny.

@MASTEROFKITTENS Not even McBain would tell those… “jokes.”

Hello, this is me, Jay Leno.
Please stop hating on me. I’m just a nice guy, I like to tell jokes and , most of all, I love cheese.
I even have a car made of cheese.
About, the tonight show controversy, well… It wasn’t my fault. And it wasn’t Conan’s fault as well.
I just did what NBC told me to do. I mean, afterall, everybody got screwed:
Conan got screwed because he was forced to go back to midnight and than he rejected and leaved the network.
I got screwed because my show got cancelled and I had to go back to 11.30 and have the tonight show back.
Letterman got screwed because, with my return to the 11.30 time slot he got his ass kicked again in ratings.
Kim Kardashian got screwed… OH BOY! SHE DID GET SCREWED! You know in that video tape.

Oh and by the way, remeber last year when Conan O’brien did that tour called the “Legally Prohibited For Being Funny on Television Tour”?
Well screw that.
Next year’s spring I’m gonna make something even better, my own tour.
It’s gonna be named the “Completely Incapable for Being Funny In Front of an Audience Tour”.
Make sure you don’t miss it.

P.S.: Please guys, ignore this message. Letterman hacked my account.
(You can tell it, judging by the quality of that Tour Joke)

Hello fellows. My writers and I came up with this idea for a song dedicated to Justin Bieber
I hope you like it

They try to make him go through puberty, He says, “No, no, no”
Yes, He’s 17 but when he turns 20 his voice will get low, low, low
He ain’t got the hormones and if his mommy thinks He’s fine
They tell him that he should go through puberty, but He won’t go, go, go

He’d rather stay at the childhood stage
He ain’t no body hair
Cause there’s nothing, there’s nothing you can teach him
Because he doesn’t even gets to go to school
He didn’t learned how to read nor write
And he doesn´t know how to sum 1 + 1

They try to make him go through puberty, He says, “No, no, no”
Yes, He’s 17 but when he turns 20 his voice will get low, low, low
He ain’t got the hormones and if his mommy thinks He’s fine
They tell him that he should go through puberty, but He won’t go, go, go

The Doctor asked, “Why do you think you here?”
He said, “I got no idea
I’m gonna, I’m gonna remain a baby
So I always keep a diaper on”

Doctor said, “I just think you’re retarded
Not only phisically, but also mentally”

They try to make him go through puberty, He says, “No, no, no”
Yes, He’s 17 but when he turns 20 his voice will get low, low, low

He don’t ever wanna get bullied again
He just, ooh, He just needs a pube
He’s not gonna spend 3 or 4 years
With acne on his face and a broken voice

And it’s not just for now
It’s just ‘til his balls have dropped

They try to make him go through puberty, He says, “No, no, no”
Yes, He’s 17 but when he turns 20 his voice will get low, low, low
He ain’t got the hormones and if his mommy thinks He’s fine
They tell him that he should go through puberty, but He won’t go, go, go

Hey! You folks wanna know what happened to me and my big chin?
So, last night I was home and with my wife and we were doing pornography in the room. But when I tried to break into her vagina things went bad.
I ened up breaking into the Ed Sullivan theater

It seems like justin bieber is getting into the television business for real.
He will now have his own show on CBS. The show will be called “Two and a Half Pubes”

Justin Bieber allegedly called Michele Bachmann to ask her a favour.
He asked her if she could lend him her husband to help him pray away the puberty

Michele Bachmann? Have you seen her husband speak? I am sure he married her because he likes nut jobs.

See that, @jayleno? That’s how it’s done. What @filmfann said was actually funny.

Have you guys noticed that Letterman suffered a fatwa? No. Really. Things got so dangerous for him that it was repoted that yesterday morning Dave woke up right next to the tongue of a jew.

To celebrate all the fighting around the Tonight Show I would like to make a music clip alongside with David Letterman and Conan O’brien. It would be a version of the spice girls “Wanna Be”.
Check it out

(Dave) Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
(Conan) So tell me what you want, what you really really want
(D) I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
(C) So tell me what you want, what you really really want
(David and Conan together) I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really, really really be the host of the “Tonight Show”

(Jay) If you want the “Tonight Show”, you’re gonna have to fight
Beacuse I have NBC with me, they’re on my side.
So don’t go wasting your precious time
Go to another network and you will do just fine.

(C) I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
(D) So tell me what you want, what you really really want
(C and D) I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really, really really be the host of the “Tonight Show”

(C & D) If you wanna host the “Tonight Show”
You have to take down Jay Leno
(To take down Jay Leno)
You may not last forever but that show never ends

If you wanna host the “Tonight Show”, you must have to be
funny as Johnny Carson and not have a big chin

(NBC executive) So, what what are you thinking now, that you know our point of view?
Say you can handle this, is that for real?
We won’t be patient, We want results now!
And if you don’t get big ratings than you can say Goodbye!

(D) I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want
(C) So tell me what you want, what you really really want
(C & D) I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna
I wanna really, really really be the host of the “Tonight Show”

If you wanna host the “Tonight Show”, you have to take down Jay Leno
You may not last forever but that show never ends
If you wanna host the “Tonight Show”, you must have to be
funny as Johnny Carson and not have a big chin

If you wanna host the “Tonight Show”, you have to take down Jay Leno
You may not last forever but that show never ends
If you wanna host the “Tonight Show”, you must have to be
funny as Johnny Carson and not have a big chin

Hey guys! It’s Jay here.
I would like to show an Idea that my writers had last year when we had that controversy around the Tonight Show.
It’s something that never got to be done because it was too edgy and, you know, I’m not secure with edgy humor so I just rejected this. But although, I thought this was quite funny.
It’s an Idea for a musical featuring me and Conan O’brien singing a version of a song from ABBA.
That’s right, they had to copy one of the ABBA songs because they can’t do anything original.
The song is called Gimmie gimmie gimmie (A show before midnight)

[Jay’s part] Eleven thirty
And I’m watching the Tonight Show in my house all alone
How I hate to spend the Late Night on my own

Comercial break
And the Tonight Show Band plays the host off
And it makes me so depressed to realize I’m home

There’s not a network executive out there
No one to ear my wish

Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
[Jay’s quote] But not at ten o’clock because it’s gonna be a failure.
Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
[Conan’s quote] Don’t send me to twelve o’five because that’s already a new day

[Conan’s part]Movie stars.
Scientists and comedians they all sit next to me
In the couch that was made specifically for them

Tired of hosting Late Night
I always dreamed of hosting this
The greatest franchise on the history of TV

There’s not a network executive out there
No one to ear my wish

Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
[Jay’s quote] But not at ten o’clock because it’s gonna be a failure.
Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
[Conan’s quote] Don’t send me to twelve o’five because that’s already a new day

Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!

There’s not a network executive out there
No one to ear my wish

Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
[Jay’s quote] But not at ten o’clock because it’s gonna be a failure.
Gimmie gimmie gimmie a show before midnight!
[Conan’s quote] Don’t send me to twelve o’five because that’s already a new day

Earlier today, Newt Gingrich announced that he will no longer run for president. Acording to Gingrich himself, from now on, he will be rolling for president.

justin bieber is in troubles. It’s been been reported that the same guy that threatened to cut out David Letterman’s tongue also threatened to cut out bieber’s single pube.

Monica Lewinsky wrote in her memoirs that when Clinton invited her into the oval office to have a Cuban, she thought it would be in her uppers lips.

A new book about Sarah Palin describes a one night stand she had with basketball player Glen Rice. What was the attraction? Did she like the way he drove hard down the center?

Many years ago while on vacation in DC I was near the Whitehouse taking in the sights, when lo and behold, President Clinton was jogging up the street with the secret service. I yelled, “He Bill, how it is going.” He waved back and said, “Thanks for the support, don’t forget to vote in the next election.” I took a beer from the cooler and tossed it over to him gently, but a secret service agent raced forward and swatted it away. Two more rushed me to the dirt and took the rest of my beer. I said, “Hey, I wasn’t trying to hit him, I was just trying to give some beer to cool off with.” They said they know. I asked why they swatted my beer away the secret service guy told me Clinton had to avoid my beer because it was a draft. <drum beat, and cymbal crash>

Man, that Donald Trump is such a crazy guy. A few months ago he told he wanted to see President Obama’s birth certificate. Now, and to make things even worse, he’s demanding to see David Letterman’s death certificate.

I have no friends, no genitals, no popularity and no pride.
I have nothing. So, in simpler words, I’m the new MC Hammer.

Did you guys heard about Justin Bieber’s love child? Well, I guess that proves to be biologically possible for two women to conceive a child without the help of a man.

Have you heard about the “Bieber illegitimate baby” story? Man, that really freaked me out.I wouldn’t know how to react if something like that happened to me.
If a woman claimed I was the father of her baby and I actually got to meet her I wouldn´t know if I would kill her or make her another baby.

You folks remember that corkscrew thing? The young guy who was on a trip to NYC with an old guy and I believe they were dating. But then the young guy snapped and assaulted the old guy ripping off his balls with the corkscrew. And by the way, that’s how I lost my virginity.

Bad news from the world of politics, Michele Bachmann gave up her campaign for presidency. And guess who was going to vote for her: justin bieber. Aparently she promised justin that, if she got elected president, her husband Marcus whould help him pray away the pimples.

Lindsay lohan is moving out of her venice beach house and she had so many items to transport that she had to call a second moving truck.
Of course, most of them were stolen.

One of the movers who helped pack up Lindsay Lohan’s stuff in her Venice home is now trying to sell photos of the actress’ personal belongings .

According to trustworthy sources, the mover in question took photographs of Lindsay’s stuff while he was piling it into storage—and is now trying to sell the pics… as well as information about the storage facility Lindsay is using… and even where she eventually plans to move.

Lindsay is now afraid that people might try to track down her stolen belongings in storage and then, get them back.

Top 10 signs the woman you had sex with last night was a shemale
#10 – You met her in the men’s room.
#9 – You remember feeling her breath in the back of your neck all night long.
#8 – Her physical feature that caught your attention was the mustache.
#7 – Her name was something that sounded like Richard or Steven (You can´t remember well because you were too drunk).
#6 – She had more chest hair than you.
#5 – You recall a “strange sensation” in your rectum.
#4 – She beat several men in a fist fight.
#3 – She fell asleep right after and snored like a man.
#2 – Her vagina was nowhere to be found.
#1 – When you both climaxed, she dropped her load in you and you dropped your load on the floor