Is it selfish to want to have sex with a woman when I am currently in a relationship with my bf?

Good golly Mrs. Molly. That is a conundrum. I would say in essence you have already cheated on him I your heart. I know you are not married and have no legal beholding to him, but if you loved him as much as you say you would find a way to stay your desire to be with another woman.. Put yourself in a position he is in or you want to place him in. What if he had this Jones to be a male porn god, would you be comfortable with him getting in front of the camera doing the nasty, nasty with some gal you don’t know with big after market tits? Even if he said he wasn’t doing it because he wasn’t satisfied with you or that he loved the porn starlet it was just a hankering eating at him most of his adult life because he felt being the size he was would be a waste if he didn’t do it, could you actually say with out a doubt you would be happy with that? These days I know people have sex that is just sex but there is always some latent attraction or else the partners could not get aroused to even physically do it properly.

I feel for you. This situation is very difficult.
Is it fair to him? No, it’s not. He has every right to feel how he does. So do you. Are you being selfish? No, you are not. If you were being selfish, you’d have already gone and been with another woman despite his feelings. You are being true to yourself. I’m not saying that you should run out and bed a woman. The most you can do about this, respectfully, is to talk and talk.. then talk some more with one another. Seeking professional counselling is also another option (for yourself and/or both).

It’s not fair to either of you because you are both not getting what you need. If you are sexually frustrated, I’m sure he must be able to feel that. In saying that, I do not think that having sex with another woman will “get it out of your system” ..it doesn’t usually work that way. What happens if you find that you like that better than heterosexual sex? It may open several new doors to you that you may not even fathom at the moment. He’s probably worried about that as well.

You say you don’t want to screw up your relationship with him. Is it not already getting a bit messy? Believe me, if you leave it the way it is right now, it will only get worse in time. Can you imagine yourself living in this frustrating limbo for rest of your life? Since you are the one here asking for advice, I can only go by what you are expressing. It seems to me that you are at a crossroad in your life.

Perhaps you can both try the threesome idea. Many things can happen from there. It may open him up to you having one on one with a woman further down the road. It also may answer some personal questions you have for yourself ..you never know. Would the threesome be with a random woman or someone you know? Is it important to him that he knows/trusts the woman you may be attracted to? Or would he rather not know who it is? When you think of yourself having sex with a woman ..are you thinking of a specific woman you know? There are so many questions you should be asking one another and yourselves.

This matter is incredibly complex and requires a lot of talk/compromise from both of you. You both deserve to be happy and loved in the way you need. In a loving relationship it is hard for one to be happy when the other is not. This is not something to be swept under the rug. It needs to be dealt with and explored.

I am sorry you are going through this. I hope some of my scattered advice helps.

It is a difficult situation and I’ve been stumbling over words for almost an hour trying to give an well-written, compassionate response. Thankfully, @PluckyDog has covered most of what I wanted to say but couldn’t find the words to. Well-done!

Thank you @Raven_Rising. I also had a difficult time trying to find the right words to convey my thoughts :)

I don’t know if I missed it or @PluckyDog what if he finds he likes having two women servicing him and HE do not care to stop after she “gets it out of her system”? What if a FMF threesome becomes like catnip to him? Once that genie is out of the bottle can you put him back? And how after getting “over it once” it ain’t over because to keep him regular sex with other women will come into play? It is a slope too slippery for me to even think about trying to tip toe on.

@Hypocrisy_Central I never said that she would “get it out of her system” ..I said that it does not work that way. As for “two women servicing him” ..that is so not how I see it. If the FMF is something they both end up enjoying ..then, by all means, let the genie out. This is not porn ..this is someone’s life. There are several options and ways this relationship can go.
A heating pot of water can only simmer for so long ..eventually the water evaporates. Best not to let a relationship simmer into nothing. Sometimes you must turn up the heat and let it boil over to start anew.

@PluckyDog She said I just feel like I need to do this at least once to get it out of my system. There could be the possibility that once she does it the novelty will wear off because the expectation and the hype didn’t live up to expectation but he may not want to go back to the same old one-on-one because she would have awaken in him something he wasn’t really thinking of. Should that happen would she feel obligated to have a 3rd wheel drug in the bed on a regular basis when she don’t care for it? Or even if she was cool to it sometimes what if they can’t agree on what type of girl and what she will do? Still too slippery for me. To me there are way to many potential land mines to try to avoid.

It would really be cheating, and it sounds like you have some soul searching to do.

Would your b/f be open to the idea of only watching you and another girl? Then he’s still involved but you get your 1 on 1 time.

I’m going to throw this out for consideration but I’m not sure if it is correct. One part of me is thinking If you really want a woman, and I’m your man, I’d say go ahead. I think there are things a woman can provide that a man can’t, or at least isn’t as in touch with places a woman is. Simone will probably want to kick my ass for that, but I think it’s a little bit correct. Other thoughts?

I think you probably need to be free to explore this part of your sexuality for a while or you will end up being resentful. You need to talk honestly with him and maybe you do need to put the relationship on hold for a while if your desire is that compelling. Would a threesome really satisfy your need?

You need to break up with your boyfriend. How can you continue on honestly in the relationship when you are longing for another kind of sexual encounter?

@marinelife I don’t see it that way. I may be way offbase, but I can see a woman wanting both men and women.

As I duck and cover.

@marinelife Not all relationships require sexual exclusivity. I don’t think she has to unilaterally decide to break up with him but she does need to talk to him.

@Adirondackwannabe and @janbb “We have talked before and it has been said quite clearly that I am not to have sex with another woman on my own because it is cheating.”

That is what she said in the details. Her boyfriend thinks of the relationship as exclusive. Therefore, she needs to break up with him in order to explore her sexuality. It is still cheating even if it is with someone of the opposite sex.

@marinelife I get your point. I’m putting too much of my own spin on this. If my s/o was the questioner, I’d tell her go ahead.

@marinelife Ah yes, I was ignoring that a bit. Still, I think it’s worth her having the talk once again and putting it out there. Then she has to decide which is most important to her.

@marinelife Exactly.

@loribird You have a big decision to make here. Is your current relationship where you see yourself? Or do you see yourself with a woman?

I am in a similar situation. I am a bisexual woman who has known of my bisexuality for about seven years now. I have never had a sexual encounter with another woman and I am currently in a long term relationship with a man. We have spoken of this and we feel like you and your boyfriend, only in reverse. I think it would be cheating if either of us was to have sex with anybody else, regardless of sex. However, he would be perfectly fine with me having sex with a woman as long as it did not become a regular relationship, sexual or otherwise.

This is why I think what I think. For bisexuals at least, for this bisexual People are not divided up based on sex. For me, there are the people I am attracted to and there are the people I am not attracted to. Some of the people I am attracted to have vaginas and some have penises. It’s the same for the people I’m not attracted to. Some have vaginas and some have penises. I think when guys are thrilled to date bisexual women because it’s “just so hot,” they don’t get that we can actually leave them for women.

Since your boyfriend is opposed to this, think very hard about if you want to explore your sexuality.

@Adirondackwannabe: I gotta tell you, I hate it when someone says that a woman would meet my sexual needs differently than a man. It’s true, but not for the reason anyone thinks. All people would meet my sexual needs differently. It’s not as if all men have sex exactly the same way and all women have sex exactly the same way. I have had sex with four men and they have all been wildly different. Everyone would meet my sexual needs differently because everyone is different.

Interesting note: I asked a gay male friend of mine if he would be okay with his bisexual boyfriend having sex with a woman and he said no.

Yes you are being selfish because relationships are about compromise and it appears that you are not willing to compromise. I’m sure lots of people would like to have sex with other people other than their bf/gf but they don’t because they are in a relationship and are commited to that person. Some do have sex with people outside of their relationship and that is called cheating.

@Mikewlf337 Um where do you see me not compromising? We are already in the process of trying to have a threesome, I have no issue with that. In fact he is the one who asked for one years ago. It is something that we both discussed, and have been trying to accomplish with no result because evidently it is hard to set this thing up. Plenty of women have wanted me, but seem to think they are just being sluts when I ask for it to be a threesome with me and my b/f. I have not been unfaithful to him, and have told this women either the both of us or none of me. I care deeply about him, and have no intentions of hurting him. If it comes down to the fact that I will never get to sleep with a woman one on one and have that experience well than I will deal with that because I do care about him and it is not worth losing him over. I have just been struggling with my own inner thoughts and conflicts. I feel horrible every time I even think about it because the thought of hurting him in anyway whether it be thinking about the action or doing the action makes me sick. I am very much aware of what cheating is I have been cheated on in the past by an ex b/f and it sucks which is why I have no intention of doing this.

@loribird What I would ask you imagine you get this 3way off the ground. What if HE gets so jazzed by it that plain old one-on-one sex with you seem like rolling down the driveway in a little red wagon as oppose to being on the Cyclone rollercoaster when another woman is involved. Are you prepared to step in that arena almost always having to have another woman involved in your bed to have sex? And what if during these 3somes he is handling the other gal more than you, how would you then feel about that?

@Hypocrisy_Central ..then I guess they would both learn that maybe the relationship they have is not what they both need and/or want at the moment. People change; that doesn’t make their love for one another lessen. Who knows, maybe they will both enjoy the new sexual exploration together. I think it’s worth a try at least ..as they are both willing.

@Mikewlf337 I think the fact that she is discussing it and questioning whether it’s selfish or not shows how unselfish she is in the matter. In her question, there is no intention of cheating on her partner. I don’t know why you think she is unwilling to compromise, maybe explain why you think that? There are so many different types of healthy happy relationships ..not all are monogamous. Questioning your sexual desires, preference, etc.. does not mean you are not committed to your partner.

I respect and applaud @loribird for being honest and open with her partner (and herself) about this struggle. I really hope you both find a way to work it out in a healthy positive manner.