To what degree is a victim of unfortunate circumstances morally obligated to "be strong" for the people around him/her?

Be as strong as you can for as long as you can. People are there to hold you up when you can no longer do it on your own. They’re not there to carry the entire burden for you.

I don’t know that you have a moral obligation to put on a happy face at all. Why should you have to pretend everything is ok? That doesn’t necessarily mean you should keep leaning on others for support though… at the very least, it wouldn’t be doing you any good, and at worst, it could be harming them. Maybe withdrawing into yourself for a little while would be a better choice, to give everyone a breather. Going to therapy would be even better than that.

And, if it’s you we’re talking about, you can always lean on us. <3

No black and white answer here because it depends on the circumstances. The person who has had a significant loss may take a long time to start to rebuild their strength and find periods of happiness. I don’t think it is healthy to pretend you are fine in those circumstances. Certainly, we need to take steps to keep participating in life but if we falter and feel like shit, that should be okay and understandable.

Then on the other hand you have people for whom the smallest event is a major catastrophe. I have this brought home to me every day, people who are saying “no I don’t need any special consideration” and they are going through heart surgery or have cancer or have lost a significant member of their family and insist that they must complete their work and then in contrast, people who want special consideration because “they have had a busy week” or “it is my parents-in-law’s anniversary and I have to plan the party”.

So, it depends on the unfortunate circumstances. Sometimes, even for your own benefit you need to “suck it up” but there are times when it is not only understandable and acceptable to fall in a heap but it is probably healthy to let yourself do that and give yourself time to heal.

That is always a tough tough call. I can only liken it to my own experience when I was diagnosed with cancer. I felt I always had to be strong for Katawagrey, she was only 10 and only had the one parent. As far as the others went, I only felt it necessary to not be freaking out all the time. From time to time someone would call me in tears, freaking about my situation and want me to comfort them. To them I would say that although I was glad they cared, I needed them to not do that, I had enough on my plate, go cry somewhere else, please. I was fortunate in that I had a few friends that always let me fall apart to them, it was a huge help.
Whether or not this Q is about you (God, I sure wish I’d had Fluther back then!) know that you have us, and the most important thing is to do what’s right for you.

Everyone grieves differently & when sever illness comes into the picture, it comes sooner. There’s also no set time limit, some people get over it quickly whilst others never do. Personally I would hope to have relationships where I could be open about how I am feeling. Putting on a happy face only helps temporarily & sometimes it is necessary. But not good long term. If you need to set boundaries, do it for your own health, we all need space. Everyone is entitled to their moments but not entitled to constantly drain others. In these cases professional help is a big help for ones self & it benefits your relationships in the long run.

Thanks all, these are good answers. Of course it isn’t cut-and-dry, and of course no one wants to be a drain on their loved ones… but sometimes massive support is needed. I agree that seeking professional help is one good way to ease the strain on everybody.

This question pertains more to my past than my present, although it’s still relevant now. Fortunately I am fundamentally an optimist, so I’m not all doom and gloom all the time, but I sure have my moments… lots of them. And I know it brings down the people around me when I worry about every little thing and the behavior rubs off on them and next thing you know we’re all a bunch of paranoid wrecks. But I don’t know how I’d handle everything without all the support I get. The whole thing just makes me feel rather guilty – I’m sure I could have coped more gracefully than I have.

@JilltheTooth How difficult that must have been for you. And how irritating that your friends would put more pressure on you like that. I had a boyfriend who did the same thing – I was in remission when we dated and he basically made me promise him I’d never get sick again – as if I could do that! And then when I did start to get sick again, I felt I had to keep it a secret from him. The support just wasn’t there – if anything it was me supporting him for my being sick. That’s not a helpful relationship. I’m glad you had the guts to tell them how un-useful they were being.

Lurve yous <3

@Mariah : I justified a lot of behaviors in those days! “I have cancer, I can be abrupt to this rude person.” “I have cancer, I can order take-out every night if I want.” and my favorite: “I have cancer, I can eat a whole Carvel ice cream cake if I want!”