How do I become less accommodating to others?

Busy people tend to not be abused this way. I hope you don’t cancel any plans to do favors for others…do you? It’s nice to be needed but it is often abused. Then there’s the approach of learning how to lie, just a little to get out of getting dragged into a favor. You only need to be unavailable for a few times before these requests start to taper off.

Well it’s not regarding favors; no, I never cancel any plans to do anything for anyone. My word is bond, no need for promises.

I wish I could give you a solid answer for this. My girlfriend used to have the same problem and it bothered her a lot. Over the years she’s been able to work through it and allow people to walk over her less, mainly from me just constantly telling her to tell people no or stop avoiding conflict just for the sake of doing such. She still struggles with this a bit but has gotten much better.

Hmm its really hard to say without like concrete examples, but then again even if you gave them the response would be to just tell them “no” nothing really deep there lol.

Good luck.

It seems to me that there are not two camps, but three.

There are people who do only for themselves. We call them self-centered.

There are people who do for others, and get upset over it. Sometimes people refer to them as floormats.

Finally, there are people who do for others and feel good about their lives. We call them generous. If your life is full of generous activities, you will have no choice but to say, “Sorry, I can’t help you this week. I don’t have time,” to some of them.

Me? Oh, yeah. I just say no.

Well, now, ‘other’ people have told you that this is a problem. Is it a problem for you? If it isn’t – be as accommodating as you want to be.

The concept that someone thinks you’re too accommodating is irrelevant. I would spend some time thinking about how YOU feel about this issue.

It may well be true that you are ‘taken advantage of’ by others in a sense, but if you don’t mind then there isn’t a problem is there? Treating others with loving compassion and helping them as much as you can is a good thing, and if more of it happened, the world would be an infinitely better place.

If you’re talking about how you are treated in intimate relationships then it is a different question entirely, but the answer still lies in how you feel and how you WANT to be treated. We can help more if you tell us more about that.

Great question. In my experience a lot of women have trouble with this, and it’s something I’ve been working on lately, too.

First, I think it’s important to identify that being a thoughtful, caring person and being a doormat are not the same thing. Sometimes when you do too much for other people, you are becoming an enabler, and you are not actually helping them.

You are a bright woman. You can probably identify specific situations in your life when you have felt or are feeling like you need to be less accommodating. Think about how these situations make you feel. Do you feel taken for granted? Do you feel angry? And then think about how to express your problem with the situation in those terms. For instance, instead of, “you shouldn’t expect me to give you rides all the time,” you could say, “I feel like my help isn’t valued,” or whatever applies.

When you frame it in terms of yourself and your own feelings, the other person is less likely to get angry and defensive, on top of which, s/he can’t argue with you and tell you you’re wrong—they’re your feelings.

One word of caution, though. If you’re feeling this way, I’m guessing there are people in your life who have gotten kind of accustomed (consciously or not) to being able to count on you to do take care of things that aren’t your responsibility. When you start standing up for yourself, your relationships with these people will probably change, and not necessarily in a positive way. So, be prepared.

Do you have any specific examples that you want to talk about in detail?

First, you must learn to say no. Then you must learn not to explain your ‘no’.

Simply say when someone asks you to do something that you want to say no to:
“I’m sorry. That’s not possible.”

If they have the audacity to ask why, simply repeat your answer. Never explain. Never get caught up in questions. (Thus, you avoid conflict still while standing your ground.)

I don’t have examples because I’m one of those who doesn’t hold onto things that have happened to me. EveryOne after the first poster is hitting the nail on the head.

Maybe if people posted scenarios, I’ll tell of how I would react?

Thanks so far, everyone.

One trick is to buy yourself some time to think. Often these questions make you feel cornered and off-guard.

“Let me get back to you in several hours, days, weeks after I check my schedule.”

Then you can plan calmly what is best for you.

There is also the “No, not this time, but how about a week from Tuesday?”

I would never, ever lie about your needs and how they fit into the worlds’ needs.

I have an instance, that is currently happening.

I’m going through a divorce at the moment. [It’s a great thing for me, because he was abusive emotionally and occasionally physically.] I’m back in Michigan with my family, but I had to leave my pets in Alabama with my husband because no one in my family wants to accommodate pets.

I have, for the past two weeks, been trying to ask my husband to set up Skype so I could video chat with my pets, so they could see my face and know that I didn’t abandon them. I tried to wait until his days off to call and ask. But when I got him, he wanted to put it off until his next day off. I obliged. His next day off came and went and he ignored my calls and did not return my calls. I called him at work, finally, to set up a time to make this happen. He said we could talk and set it up on the evening of his next day off.

Well when that day came [this past Wednesday], he was unreachable until about 11pm. I called at that time and he said he’d just got in. [Just an aside: my husband is horrible about keeping his word and I feel I’ve been accommodating in that regard because I forgive him every time.] He was taking the pets out, and said he’d call back once they finished. He didn’t call back for another hour and a half. At any rate, once he did call back, we started setting up Skype. When Skype wouldn’t connect he said, “Can we do this another night?” in a very stern “I don’t want to be doing this right now” tone. Feeling I needed to finally stand up to him, I said “No. I’ve been waiting a week and a half for you to be available to get this done.” In response, he merely said “Can we do this another time?” Not willing to back down, I repeated myself. He repeated himself. So then I asked him for a specific time that we could get this done, and he merely said “Can we do this another time?” I was frustrated by now, because I wasn’t going to be able to talk to my pets and he was being as incorrigible as ever. He finally said “I’m going to leave the phone here on the couch and you can talk to the air. I’m going about my business.” Which is when I begged him to arrange a specific time to postpone it to. He said “My next offday. [Sunday]” And hung up.

Well, I know my husband. And so I started making preparations for my pets to be fostered elsewhere from his home. On Saturday I received confirmation for a place for my cat, and so I called my husband so he would know about the trade and where to take Ruben. He ignored my calls on Saturday, Sunday. So I emailed him and told him it was urgent, and he agreed to call me last night, which he did do.

When I told him of how Ruben now has a foster family, all of a sudden he was ready to set up Skype. I was surprised. He was telling me of how he can take care of Ruben and that he would set up Skype before his next offday. He didn’t want to lose Ruben for some reason. But I was practicing being firm, and told him that I had made arrangements and Ruben needed to be turned over to the foster family. I also told him that I was still looking for a foster family for Klaus [my mini schnauzer]. It was at this point that he was being accommodating to me, and it felt weird but it made me feel good because I wasn’t giving in.

That’s one situation. My husband is a self-centered type, and he’s proud that he’s that way. He knows he’s selfish, and flaunts it regularly. When we got married, I knew of his selfishness to an extent, but I figured I would be a balancing unit in his life, and he in mine. But I got completely steamrolled. :(

This is a more complicated issue because you agreed to put yourself in a situation with your ex (very bad idea) and you are now stuck. For the moment, you really are at his mercy.

And having to deal with these issue long-distance makes it almost impossible to remove him from the equation.

Once you straighten this out, use an objective third party for any negociatios.

There are many illuminating facts in this discourse madam. It’s going to need some time to unlock with you if you dont mind – that said, here’s a quick piece of insight:

You’re highlighting far more here than your afore mentioned desire to be less accomodating. You’ve actually given us a fairly interesting insight into your relationship and communication with your ex-partner. This not only tells us about the relationship, it also gives us an insight into you. You certainly seem to have some issues with Ascertiveness, and it’s an incredibly common problem. You also highlight a the communication and power struggles that often develop in long term relationships. In one sense, you’ve started to answer your own problems by sticking to your guns; you were surprised with the reaction it fostered. Now, imagine a future you that is able to understand what it is you want, and sticking to your guns and GETTING it. This is the work of assertiveness training and the dual factors you’ll need to perfect in order to actualize yourself.

And guess what, you can do it too! You’ve already proved it!

@dazron: :)

I’m also open to questions. My main goal in this life is to make myself better.

You’re goal would be better if you just wanted to be happy. Being better is relative. You sound to me like you want to be happier, no?

I don’t personally have any advice, but I worked at a bookstore for 6 years. Quite a lot of people came in requesting How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty by Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch, saying that their counsellor/therapist had recommended it. Might be worth checking out.

I agree with most of what’s been said already. And to further @Seelix‘s recommendation, I would say you need to read this book called Dump ‘em helps you learn how to use the right wording when you want to say “No”, mean “No” and in some cases mean “Never Again”.

I think that ultimately you have to know your limitations and your priorities. You cannot burn yourself helping others and must know how to say “no”; I had to learn this the hard way…At the same time there are those one or two people in my life that if they need me I am going to come running (and I know that they would do the same for me, and have). Just make sure that you don’t come running for the whole world, because nobody is up to that…

Wow. When you said you were accommodating, I assumed you were actually doing something, rather than just insisting that someone else do something for you.

Denying your pet a familiar home and denying your former mate a pet you’d shared in the interest of, “practicing being firm” – that’s bent.

I don’t think your problem is being accommodating.

@6grant6 – The pets were mine before the marriage, and that instance only shares a portion of my experience. You did not come here to help me in my search – you came to flame. Your comment was not appreciated.

@squirbel Well, your pet has no one to speak for him, so I took it upon myself. Do you think your pet will be happier leaving the home knows because he BELONGED to you before the marriage? And you call your ex self-centered? You want the pet in a foster home so you can get your way? Come on!

Seriously, if you can’t see how what you wrote is so in conflict with the premise of your question you need to take a step back.

Do you not see that what you described doing was you nagging? Perhaps you had already given him something in return for his time. You didn’t say so, so I don’t know. But all I could read was you demanding and him – patiently – putting you off. Ironically, that’s one of the suggestions offered to you to deflect people who demand too much. Maybe that’s a clue?

It would have been better if you had questioned me as to how the animal was being treated currently. Then you would have a better understanding of how to speak “for the animal”. Since you did not bother to ask, I will share.

My pets are currently being fed once a day. They spend an entire 20 hours alone in the house because of my husband’s work habits. He comes home, feeds them, lets them go outside, and brings them in and goes to sleep. He gets up in the morning, showers and gets ready, and returns to work. They are not being cared for in the way that I cared for them. They are getting the bare minimum, and no attention. My ex says “I don’t have the time to.”

Many times during the marriage he exclaimed how he’d rather they go elsewhere. Right now, his reluctance to allow Ruben to go to the foster family is because he realizes that I am serious about the care I want Ruben and Klaus to have.

And my ex calls himself self-centered, I did not label him in that fashion. I am not some vengeful ex-wife like you are portraying me to be. Please, stop.

Regarding your comment about nagging: my husband said many times that his wife didn’t nag to his friends. He’d brag about me.

One question I have is:
Do you get reward in making other people happy versus the impact on you?

I do feel good when making others happy. But I also feel like people take me for granted. It happens more in my intimate relationships, because I forgive so easily, and they continue to do what caused my forgiveness, if that makes sense.

For instance, my husband swears we’ll go out on a date on Thursday. Thursday comes, but he says he has work to do or he’s too tired. I say ok, rest up and we’ll do it another time. But this scenario repeats over and over, and two years go by with not one date.

For instance, my husband says he’ll let me go get my hair done. The day comes when I’m going to go get my hair done, and he says “Let’s not do it this time, there isn’t enough money. I personally handle our finances so I know this is not true, but I say “Please? I really need it!” “No.” “Ok, but can I do it next month?” And several months pass and he never lets me get my hair done.

For instance, my husband says he’s going to the bar with some friends. I say, “Sure, see you when you get home…be home by at least 12?” And he stays out later and later each time this happens, ignoring my request – to where he comes home at 3am, even. [I discovered later he was at a woman’s house, by his own admission.]

For instance, my husband is bipolar/sociopathic, and often needs time alone. I give it to him – giving him space when he gets home after greeting him, and not constantly talking to him when he’s busy reading or something. I try to fit my talking in-between commercials and such, when it’s less of a bother. But he is begrudging of even that time, and wants silence all the time from me. I understand he needs his own time, but I need some of his time too! And we have familial things to talk over, like finances and short term plans and how we’re making progress. But he never wants to discuss those things because he’s too tired. So I just go do my little thigns.

Those are instances.

I am hung up on your saying, ‘my husband says he’ll let me get my hair done’ Let you? There is a problem there.

@squirbel What you described is abuse. I wouldn’t call that self-centered. I’d call it abusive.

@squirbel : Your last post has red flags popping up for me all over the place. If this is typical behavior you’ve described, it sounds like you guys need some help. I used to work with battered women (I’m not saying you’re battered!) and these behaviors you describe were very typical. Controlling, passive-aggressive, etc etc. It’s not about you being more or less accommodating, it’s about a serious disparity in your relationship.

psst, guys, she mentioned they’re getting divorced.

Sounds like you have a lot going on based on your notes

When I first read it I thought of the potential of it being something called “People Pleasing”. Some people crave attention and affirmation from others. But then again don’t we all in a way? Are you too sensitive to criticism and rejection? Does the fear of what other people will think stop you from doing what you love, ask for what you need, or say “No!” when you don’t want to do something?
It’s natural to want to be liked, and being polite and cooperative can help you in many ways But the problem starts when this need for affirmation actually holds you back—and makes you resentful, insecure, and emotionally dependent on others.

But then I read your note about having a husband who you stated as a bipolar/sociopathic, This to me no matter is the weighted situation. This means that you are more than likely under significant overload from this situation.
I hope that with all you have going on, you find strength.

One thing that you do own is your feelings. They are yours and nobody else owns them.

Say what you feel, Be honest and tell the truth, Let the pain go and move on.

You’ve been in the middle of a pretty miserable experience however you look at it. It is good that it is coming to an end. If I was your doctor, I’d prescribe you some time on your own to experience yourself in the context of ‘you’ not ‘you and co-dependent’.

When you have more perspective of you and your experiences it will be easier for you to come to understand what you want and need, and thus act accordingly to bring it into being.

Read lots, buy the books mentioned above, and perhaps more on the subjects of assertiveness.

Honestly, I would also recommend some form of Therapy. I would recommend that to almost everyone in the known universe anyway, but your issues almost certainly have their root cause in deeper, earlier events. Anything else will be sticking plaster stuff (band-aid for you US types!).

Mindfulness training would also help you immensely.

Good luck on your journey, you can do it.

@squirbel : Sorry, I missed the one line where you said you were getting a divorce…my bad. Glad to hear it.

Oh and stay in touch! Let us know if we’ve been helpful and if we can be if any more use!

You then must rely on your desires in these matters.. Don’t do something to please others, do it to please you.. If you don’t mind getting up in the middle of the night to go pick up a friend because he over did his bar hopping then do it because you want to, otherwise tell him you’ll call a cab and for him to wait outside the bar then do this and go back to sleep.. The next day when he confronts you and asked why you didn’t pick him up just tell him the truth.. He may get mad for a bit but will get over it and the next time may call some other sucker. If you want everybody to like you then be prepared to being used, if however you operate on your agenda then the real friends who matter will not desert you.

It’s just so hard to believe most of what you say. Don’t accommodate less, just work on being a good person to begin with. Damsels in distress are a dime a dozen.