If I understand the question it’s.. have I known guy who might have been effeminate (if boys) or masculine (as girls) but as they grew older they seemed…less effeminate (if boys) or less “stereotypical gay” aka flaming?
A few anecdotal data points to add to the discussion:
One of my dearest friends from high school – came out as gay in his early 20s, but dated girls all thru high school.
In Kindergarten he wanted to dress up as a princess for Halloween (and bless his mother, she supported him). Pretty dang progressive for the 70s! Flash forward to High School..no one would have guessed he was gay (he always had the best looking girlfriends) but on looking back we might have had some clues (apologies in advance for stereotyping here) because he had basically NO male friends, spent more time on his hair than any of us girls did, and painted and re-decorated his mother’s house beautifully.
He is now pretty flaming. He’s a make-up artist in NYC and..some of the phrases he uses are definitely…what I’d call “flaming” lingo. (Sentences that start with: “Bitch, please…” come to mind.)
So…effeminate->denial/fitting in->flaming?
My husband’s cousin (who’s been with his partner for 20+ years) has been out of the closet since college—but was NEVER effeminate. Even now doesn’t fit the stereotype at all…unless you count their lovely antique furniture in their well-decorated home? G has always been athletic (jock) and is built like a Marine (even now..and he’s in his late 40s, he is so fit / muscular he reminds me of a Marine drill sergeant). He hunts, fishes..if you didn’t meet him with his partner you’d probably have no clue.
I guess it’s the same with my cousin, too. He came out at the end of high school and..nothing about him or his actions (even as a kid) ever clued me or any of our family in that he was gay. He’s just…him. He’s wicked smart, funny..talented..tall, bearded..a school teacher. I guess his love of the show GLEE might be a small tip off? (laughing)
My own son – at age 2 and 3 loved nothing more than wearing his pink tutu and dancing to “Bella Bella Dancerella” (a ballet videotape). He loved beaded necklaces and dress up with his sisters. Begged for (and was given) nail polish. He’s now a 1st grader and will actually not wear some colors (I had a purple shirt for him that looked too close to lavender in his opinion) because he finds them too “girl-y” and says (and I quote): “Nick would kick my butt if I wore that to school.” He’s more into bb guns and Legos and skateboarding than anything…but sometimes I wonder if he is changing his behavior to “fit in” with the kids at school.
So, did my son start out effeminate and change his behavior to fit in at school..or was he just too little to associate colors to gender and liked playing with his big sisters’ toys? Or, was it because we didn’t gender specify toys he didn’t either when he was a toddler?
Hard to say. I guess only time will tell. I’ll be happy if he falls in love with a wonderful person who treats him well—irregardless of what gender his mate is one day.
And, though I think you’re asking about specifically guys.. I was a full-on tomboy (lived for climbing in trees and riding my bike – had a short boy-style hair cut for my entire childhood)...but have only ever had an interest in/fallen in love with men.