Hi allknowingone: First may I say, welcome to Fluther!
I’ll echo some of the other users thoughts, and add that, remember, we’re all here to help each other; you’ll find as you become more accustomed to the site, responses tend to reflect a real sense of diversity and character of the users, so try not to take glib or flippant responses too seriously or personally :)
What I’m gathering from your question and description, you’re seeking some much needed advice from users here at Fluther; it sounds like a breakdown in communication is happening in your relationship, which is the cause for your distress, as you now perceive that the relationship may be moving into a cycle of distrust or what’s worse, at risk of decline. It’s clear that up until recent events, your regard for her has been high, and your feelings deep (she must be an amazing person!); the apparent turn of her behavior seems quite uncharacteristic of her given the length and quality of the relationship as you have described it. If your relationship has, in fact, been unblemished up to this point, your cause for concern is understandable; after 16 months invested in the relationship, I can appreciate that the stakes for you may be high.
Perhaps from my own personal experience in relationships, I can say that in the early stages of a deeply felt relationship, there is a definite period of being on “cloud 9” (the ‘honeymoon’ period as some refer to it), and it’s great to see the world through those “rose tinted glasses”! But as time goes on, for various reasons, the connection and perception falls “out of synch”. It is for the most part, a natural part of the evolution of all relationships, but what is important to focus on is, how both partners react, and eventually adjust to that initial adversity, as it can set the dynamic and tone for the relationship to come (I call this “tilling the soil’, viz: comparing the relationship to a tree or other organic thing. As a married man, who has been with my wife going on 19 years, I can personally attest to this “maintenance”, and can say that it’s not only necessary, but ongoing my friend!)...
So, if one partner expresses ambivalence about losing that “loving feeling”, that could certainly be a symptom that throws up a red flag! The first thing we tend to do is blame ourselves (did I do something wrong? Am I a bad partner?); if the feelings aren’t resolved, those feelings can turn into fear, and eventually distrust and anger (sorry that sounds like Yoda-he would probably add suffering and the dark side to that list!). Also, more often than not, the ‘bliss’ or ‘honeymoon period’ can also distort or otherwise cloud one or both partners’ judgment, and change our own behavior toward that person (or toward others) without our catching it, and if unchecked, can even be the cause for the ‘bump in the road’!
That can sometimes be a hard thing to accept, but how you react to those circumstances (staying the course, taking a stand, re-establishing open communication) becomes paramount in the course of reconciliation, and ultimately, the prospects of improving the long-term health of the relationship.
Turns like this can also signify that one partner may be seeing “the road” differently from the other partner. As great as things may have been in the relationship up to this point, try to reflect on both the past and the present, and reflect on any possible changes in your behavior that you have exhibited, that may be revealing your “long term vision”; perhaps a change in your own personality or behavior toward her may be unfamiliar to her, and may even be scaring her (i.e., if your interest in taking the commitment to the “next level” has been obvious).
It is important to also consider the possibility that she may have been hurt in the past (you may not be privy to the details of this yet), as sometimes people become very guarded about themselves and their feelings of openness/commitment, if they feel they are approaching the same point in the current relationship (time-wise, commitment-wise) where their previous relationship “hit the skids”.
Lastly, her lack of maturity as an adult (you’re both adults, right?) may be causing anxiety, especially if you’re both young adults and, if she has other life goals (career, education) that may be affected by the dynamic or direction of the relationship.
Okay, sorry for the litany (I’m not known for brevity in my explanations); now, on to the suggestions:
Perhaps sooner than later, you both need to come to terms with where you both are at in the relationship, and where each of you intend on heading with it, or at least hope it will head; better to take stock of this with her now, than after taking the commitment to another level (only to find those unresolved mismatches/incompatibilities amplify themselves; that’s where things can truly get ugly). If the two of you are not at the same place emotionally, you will both need to come to terms with this, if for nothing else, to make your own feelings clear and transparent to her. Decide what positive things about you need to be brought to her attention, and if you do this in a productive and sensitive manner, at the very least, you’ll find strength in knowing you’re giving her your ‘best’.
Then, alas, you need to just remain optimistic, yet cautious, and open to the possibility that your relationship may need “a break” from the routine or rhythm, or may need to be re-defined. That’s something you’ll have to come to terms with together. And if in the end, things don’t pan out, there is a girl out there (somewhere) who would be appreciative of your attention and passion.
Keep your head up and keep valuing the light that you bring to the relationship, and share it with her!
Composing members:
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