A very sudden breakup - why has this happened?

Its pretty obvious that she has two problems: one, she is not over her ex and two, she appears to have a psychological problem with up and down moods, according to you.

You never did state why she and her ex broke their relationship. Were the problems with him or her?

This answer may have a whole new bearing on the situation.

Tell us more.

Ok of course, well her ex is a peado – so she had no choice but to leave him. So you can imagine it wasn’t a case of he cheated on here. As she is a christian, the last thing you do is leave you husband – so that must have been hard. Plus he ‘was’ a priest – obviously not now, so she did have everything and then nothing. That last Saturday night I was with her – she even confessed she dreams of sleeping with him – and then has panic attacks – its so hard all of this – and I admit I know I was taking a lot on – but never expected her to do this to me. Thanks so much for your time and help…

Wait…her husband was a ‘priest’? I thought that they were not allowed to marry.

There are Christians and there are Christians. The ones I know would not have pre-marital sex. Because she does, either she feels guilty about having sex with you, or the whole religion thing is not as big as a deal as she says.

Also, children take it pretty hard when mom has a boyfriend move in and go to bed with her. They like to crawl into mom’s bed and not have to share with a stranger (and yes, you’re still a stranger).

Think they got married – then he became a priest – somthing like that, sorry i’m not sure of the exact details on that…

We did sleep togther when the daughter wasn’t around, and i’d always sleep in the front room she just hated it when I stayed overnight full stop. Just find it so hard why she became so cold with me so quickly – I really am struggling with this so much ;(..

any ideas why there is a line through my text?

Also we never had full on sex no – she is a proper / commited christian..

(‘Strikeout’ is created when a dash is put at the front and back end of a word/comment.)

This lady does not have ‘nothing’; she has her daughter, a roof over her head, and presumably a job. What she has lost is what she thought was a beloved husband, and quite possibly, her identity in a church community as the minister’s wife. The daughter’s world has to have completely been shaken…imagine losing your father, your church community and having to move into a new home.

This woman needs time and help to work through all of this, as well as help her daughter. She is asking for space…so let her have it. The best that you can do is grant this wish and offer to be there if she needs a friend.

Ok I totally agree – I just get so hurt and confused why she said she loved me all this time -and now has ended it and doesn’t even want to know me – I have done nothing wrong and I am hurting so bad , just feel I cant cope with this pain any longer…
Thanks so much for the responses and help…

It sounds as if she was totally uncomfortable with the relationship. Her blowing hot and cold all though it should have sent you a signal.

Don’t waste time trying to figure it out. Just tell yourself it was her and move on. Get angry. She hurt you with her odd behavior.

It is ridiculous to even think about suicide over her poor behavior.

Move on. Think about meeting some new people.

I did write to her, and say that if she ever needed support etc. She did reply and say thanks for the kind words – and that’s about it. Just can’t believe this is happening – I really am so scared..

What is making you feel scared?

I am scared that this could kill me, scared of being on my own, scared that do people think i’m ugly and scared of being rejected this whole scenerio hurts me so much, sorry I really hope im making sense to you, i’m just so confused and crying out for help…

You aren’t ugly! You are strong enough to live through this! You will find someone and not feel lonely anymore, just be strong. It hurts, so? You will heal.
Believe in yourself @bazzawazza.

bazzawazza. The very last thing to be on your mind should be about taking your own life. She has problems to resolve within herself and she needs a lot of time to do so. In the meantime, take a deep breath, look at the sunshine and tell yourself “what will be will be”.

Take the first step of dismissing her from your mind. Give her time and date other people. She will be constantly on your mind, but its up to you to channel your thoughts to something that takes a lot of energy for you.

You only have one choice and that is to wait.

Stay healthy.

It sounds as if this is the perfect time to take your mind off of the break-up by focusing on something that brings you a sense of happiness and satisfaction. What interests do you have?

@bazzawazza Hello :) I had a look at your profile picture & you’re not ugly, actually good looking, don’t believe the haters. By the way you talk, you sound like a good person, just you need to realise it :) No worries, we ALL go through heart ache & if we all acted on the thought of killing ourselves. I bet half the world wouldn’t be here :D

About your ex, sounds like she’s one messed up lady that was abused, emotionally at least. As for her child, sounds like the daughter was abused too. Sorry to say, they need professional help & you being a man doesn’t help. All her trust, faith & hopes were violated & you can’t fix it. My suggestion is move on & help yourself first. You can always go to a counsellor to really talk things out. Know that we humans pull through adversity & that you will pull through, no doubt about that. There’s many before you that have the scares to prove it.

Keep fighting the good fight :)

Just in a chat room – and someone linked a song and had me in so many tears. I love gaming / computing. I enjoy running an I do voluntary work too. just finding everthing so hard , hurting so much

Bazzawazza, here is a good song on Youtube that fits your situation. It’s an oldie, but its as good today as ever. Give a listen.

Where Were You, When I Was Falling In Love….........LOBO

She sounds complicated. I think you need somebody who is less confusing. When you get over your disappointment , and you will, be more selective. Try someone with no kids and a less traumatic past

Honey, take a deep breath. We’re all here to help you. I think what happened was that you guys met online and then things moved way too quickly. You guys didn’t really get to know each other very well before you became intimate. In a natural progression, people meet someone in their town, become interested and attracted to each other then decide to start dating or seeing each other, then they start dating exclusively and usually during this time they become physically intimate, but most people don’t move in with each other until quite awhile after they become physically intimate. You guys kind of rushed into your relationship without really knowing if you were compatible.

Your lady friend sounds like she comes from a background loaded with baggage. Some of it you knew about, some of it you only now know about, and some of it, you will probably never know about. People, no matter how wonderful they may seem, if they come bogged down with a lot of emotional baggage are sometimes un-able to carry on a succesful romantic relationship with anyone until they get some help. This lady sounds like she has had a lot of ugly trauma in her life and she probably needs to see a therapist or get some extensive spiritual guidance from a trusted clergyperson. And right now she probably has a hard time trusty any clergymen or any men in general.

I don’t think you did anything wrong to cause her to break up with you, other than that you two got too emotionally involved with each other before you really knew each other. Beyond that, she has a lot of un-resolved issues to deal with that have nothing to do with you at all. And beyond that, she is a mother and being a mother is the most important job for her right now, not trying to have a relationship with a boyfriend.

I’m so sorry that this had to happen to you, but there is no point in trying to blame yourself. You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and realize that this particular relationship was not really meant to be, it was more of a speed bump in your romantic life.

You might need to get a little bit of short term therapy to get this all off your chest. Plus a good therapist can give you exercises to change your thought processes so that you don’t get bogged down in constantly dwelling on “what might have been.”

In the meantime, do not lock yourself in your house and sulk and pine away for this lady. Get out a piece of paper and write down 100 things that you like to do, places that you would like to visit, activities that you would like to try and then start this weekend and start doing some of these things. Get your friends and relatives involved. If you have a hard time starting, then at least go outside and walk around the block a couple of times every single day. Get a little bit of sunshine (or at least some fresh air and scenery if your still stuck in wintery conditions). Avoid listening to sad and somber music. Have one of your friends put together a fast, upbeat, happy, joyful and fun music CD for you.

Ask your friends and relatives if they know any nice single women they could help you to meet. Going on online dating services is ok, but next time, try to find someone that lives close by. Get to know them for a good while before you even go on a date. When you start dating, date for a good long while so that you can really get to know that person, find out what their life goals are and what they want from the future. And to see if there are any potential red flags or imcompatibility problems or trolleys full of baggage. Those are the kinds of things you can do without. Do not move in with someone for a good long while. Make sure you both really know each other inside and out. Wait a good long while before you become physically intimate with someone. Sometimes physical intimacy can cover up a lot of the things that you should be avoiding, simply because it’s so much fun and feels so good. Take your time, get to know a person, take your time before you move on to the next level. And don’t beat yourself up about this situation. Most of us have been in similar situations in which we’ve been let down or dumped for seemingly no reason. And we have all lived to tell the tale. And we usually think that we’ve dodged a bullet. Hopefully you will feel that way sooner rather than later.

And remember there’s always someone here to talk to. We stay up late. Good luck my dear : )

You deserve consistency in her emotions. Talk to her and explain how you feel. I know it’s hard to stand firm but you must, to get what you want.

I went through something very similar to this, though the relationship was different. We were together for 2 years and lived together for 1½. We were engaged. We had our problems, but we didn’t fight on a regular basis or anything. Then one day, without explination, she came home from work with her father, they packed her things, and she left. I still never have gotten a reason why.

It sounds to me like this girl has issues. Unfortunately, when someone has personal issues other people often get hurt, but understand that there was absolutely nothing you could have done to make anything turn out differently. It sounds to me like you did everything right. Sometimes us good guys/girls just end up with the wrong person for us.

Please try not to think of hurting yourself. It is not worth it. Trust me… your life is so much more valuable than you are currently thinking. Suicide won’t fix anything, and the pain will go away soon enough.

Look… that girl that I was with, she was the love of my life. I say that as I sit in the office of my home with my girlfriend in the other room and our daughter sleeping in her nursery. And when I was still in pain from the break-up, I could see no reason to live either. It seemed like I would never be happy again. But now that I’m out of the relationship, though thinking about it still makes me sad sometimes, I know that it was for the better. If I had stayed with her, this only would have happened again in another year or so, and it would have hurt that much more.

Please find people to talk to, whether it be real life friends, Fluther, or the suicide hotline.