Why are some sighted people offended if they can't help me?

Perhaps it’s because they care more for what this helping does for them rather than for you. Can I ask you a question, though? Why can’t they help you? Also, another stupid question – how do you use a computer/fluther? Thanks

I’m not understanding what you are saying…Are you blind? If so, it’s only human nature to want to help someone that appears to need help. By appearing to need help I’m referring to if I see a person that I think is blind and they seem a little confused at a street corner, I would ask them if they needed help crossing the street (which I have done and it was welcomed).

From reading back over previous replies; @tallin32 doesn’t have sight. I hope you don’t mind that I answered for you @tallin32. Just trying to be helpful. Also, @Simone_De_Beauvoir, there is voice software for computers. There is hardware or software that simulates the human voice reading the computer screen or produces hard-copy output in braille, according to the American Foundation for the Blind.

@bkcunningham Thank you, I appreciate that.

I’m curious now if the software recognizes when someone whispers a response or SCREAMS a word etc.

I think I see the problem. ;)

“Why are some sighted people offended if they can’t help me?”

They aren’t.

They’re offended by your emotionally crippling response that they “can’t” do something. Doesn’t have to be helping you. People just don’t like to be reminded of their helplessness in any situation. It’s painful. It’s the kind of thing that can be said in a tongue-in-cheek, sarcastic manner but it’s all about the delivery. If you can pull it off, they’ll be offended a little but mostly amused at your forwardness. If you pull it off wrong, they’ll just feel like you told them they are powerless. It would be like someone saying: “No you can’t participate in this activity, you’re blind.” Lacking qualification, it’s the kind of statement that isn’t necessarily true although it definitely reflects the speaker’s potentially ignorant opinion; It’s a response that reeks of quick and ignorant judgement.

A more palatable response might be: “Thank you, so much. But I’m used to this.”

It’s something you’re going to have to endure for the rest of your life. You better get used to responding to it in a way that gives you the most points. Your current response doesn’t seem to give you the best results.

I wonder if it’s not the fact that they can’t help you, but the way you word your reply that feels offensive to them. What exactly do you say when they ask? I’m thinking a cheery “Kind of you to offer, but there’s no need. Thanks anyway!” (or, more simply, “Thanks, but I can manage.”) wouldn’t offend me in the least. But, “No, you can’t.” would seem brusque and might be off-putting.

@ninjacolin I dont’ think it’s @tallin32 job to console other people or humour their sensitivities here. I’m assuming that tallin32 isn’t being outright rude in responding, but simply straightforward. And quite frankly, if I was asked the same question continually by strangers, I may get less than gushingly polite myself. I don’t see how a simple..‘No thanks, I’m fine’ response could be offensive.

You don’t see how? You mean to say that you’ve been ignorant to the fact that word choice affects the world around you. You should consider yourself educated now, @cazzie.

(How’d you like the above? How does it strike you? I didn’t actually say anything evil but it comes across a little harsh, doesn’t it? It’s all about tone.)

Being pleasant is everyone’s job. The more pleasant we are the better a world we live in. This is the reality of things, @cazzie. Always be pleasant. Why? Because the alternative is unpleasant.

@ninjacolin well. that was rambling.

edit @ninjacolin, have you ever dealt with a disabled person on a daily basis?

Nope… hmm.. why? are they deserving of unpleasantries or perhaps entitled to create them?

@tallin32 I got another response idea. Try: “No, thank you. Is there anything I can help you with?”

@ninjacolin if being pleasant is everyone’s job, why don’t those being offended just be more pleasant and understanding? I think your response idea is even more offensive.

@tallin32 I think all you can do is, do your best to be patient with people and not let it get to you. @ninjacolin has a point with the reminder that people don’t want to hear that they can’t help, even though it’s true. It certainly isn’t your job to make everyone who offers help feel like a superhero or altruist of the year. And again… a ‘No thanks, I’m fine’ response in a ‘pleasant’ tone, should suffice on your part. You shouldn’t have to be used as their therapy for feeling better about themselves.

My mother in law has been in a wheelchair for over 20 years. Her graciousness always amazes me, but only when it comes to strangers. Family is a different matter all together. ‘Reasonable’ is not a word we would use to describe her. But we know where it comes from and the fact that 90% of the time she is such a positive person, we give her lots of credit. It’s not easy for her, and it’s not easy for us when we care for her, but we forgive the thorny outbursts as she does her best to be patient with us.

I agree with the other responses regarding how you’re refusing help. If someone is kind enough to offer help, I think their offer should be refused or accepted kindly. A simple “No, thanks, I’m fine” perhaps with a smile to indicate your appreciation for the offer would be kind.

Once when I was working in a bookstore, I was helping a blind customer. He wanted help to find the restroom, and put out his arm. I had never led a blind person anywhere before, so I went to take his arm by putting mine underneath his. He got angry and snapped “Not like that!” and placed his arm through mine. He was very nice up to that point, and I was very nice to him in our conversation as well. I saw no need for him to get upset with me, and I have to say I was put off. He behaved kind of like a child saying “I can do it my self!”

I think that in any situation where mobility challenges require one to ask for help, or inspire others to offer help, kindness and gratitude should be shown on both sides.

I think before everyone continues bickering with each other, it would be helpful to find out from @tallin32 exactly how he or she responds when asked if the person can help him/her, and then we can stop making assumptions and perhaps, more accurately answer the question.

but i wanted to bicker a little more..

what about it being everyone’s job to be pleasant? Just be pleasant, or else you’re being unpleasant.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: Actually—the reason they can’t help me is that the help is not needed, any more than it might be needed for you. It’s in no way a reflection on them, but… if I’ve been crossing streets, or reading mail, or designing software, for large chunks of my life, there’s … likely nothing they can do to help unless they know some bit of arcane Windows CE information.
As to how I use a computer… the 32×32 thumbnail version is that software on my computer reads the screen, and I just use a regular keyboard (you can touch type, right?). The big technical description is that this software goes in and hooks itself into the operating system, talking to the graphics/screen writing APIs where necessary, or the object model otherwise (this is how it talks to Web browsers). I could probably give a two hour lecture on how this technology actually works… or a half-hour demo… or I could send ou to http://www.nvda-project.org for an open source example.

@AmWiser: Yes, I am. Actually—the question of why they might ask if I need help is a relatively simple one to answer: some blind people don’t do street crossings overly well. What I don’t understand is that, if the answer is that I don’t need help, there are some that become offended or feel that it’s a slam against them when, in fact, it’s simply that the help isn’t needed. (NB: The one time I was actually hit by a car was the one time I’d accepted help that I didn’t really need, on the premise that if I didn’t, some other blind person might not get help they needed, because sighted people apparently tend to stereotype (which is, in itself, a stereotype and tis could get recursive)).

@bkcunningham: This would depend on whether or not I have it set to automatically tell me when the font or typeface changes. Again, since the software talks directly to the Web browser, it CAN get that information, but doesn’t automatically, as constantly hearing “bold, tahoma, blah blah blah normal, Microsoft sans serif blah” would possibly make me want to shoot something. =)

@ninjacolin: Let’s modify the situation for a moment. You’re shopping for… I don’t know, kitchen appliances. A random store clerk comes up to you and asks if they can help. You tell them, as I do when someone asks if they can help me cross 6th Avenue, that, “no thanks, I’m good”. Do they:
1) Become offended, or
2) return to their customer service duties?

@augustlan: See above. I treat the offerer much as I would anyone offering any other sort of service. This is, of course, unless they barge in and foist their help on me (grab me, attempt to drag me somewhere, shout “STOP!” to warn me of an impending traffic cone, etc.). Then, see, it’s not a service. It’s an annoyance.
But those aren’t the ones I’m asking about. I’m specifically wondering about the ones that are deflated when I inform them that, “Nope, I’m good, thanks”.

@tallin32 how do you know they seem offended when you say no thanks to their offer? Do they actually say something snide back to you? Also, it would certainly get on my last nerve to hear my computer telling me fonts and size constantly. Thanks, but no thanks.

@seelix: Sounds like a bit of a software problem with the blind person you described. Again, I come into every new situation with no preconceptions and presume that people will try to do similarly. I’ve run into many blind people that, for example, see blindness as their primary identity and some, like myself, that… well… don’t (if you were to ask, I’m a software engineer. Yes, I’m also blind, I also have red hair, I also play the piano, I’m also a father… I trust you see where I’m going there).
What also saddens me is that, if someone encounters a blind person similar to what you described, it can end up reflecting on me (NB: I’m not saying that this is what you’re doing at all, but I’ve seen it done). The statement that “all blind people are X” is likely invalid on its face, unless X perhaps == “disqualified from flying a commercial airliner”.

@jca: Precisely. For the record, the interactions I’m talking about go one of two ways:
1. Someone grabs me, or attempts to physically intervene in a way that, were they to do this with someone that could see, could be seen as creepy. I fend them off. I’m then seen as “touchy” or “just wanting to assert my independence” (... no, just wanting to get to the office, the grocery, home, one of any number of nearby restaurants, etc.).
2. Someone asks if they can help. I tell them that, “No thanks, I’m good, do this all the time, no worries”, etc. ... and they state in either a sad or offended tone that they were ”... just trying to help”.
Now, let me point out that not everyone I encounter does this sort of thing. Many are fine with my not needing their help. Some of them even, oddly enough, try to strike up a conversation with me about something unrelated to blindness. It’s the ones that react negatively that I don’t get, hence my use of “some” in my original question (I do hope that qualifier wasn’t missed, but fear that it may have been).

@bkcunningham I’ve had a few tell me that they were <petulant>just trying to help</petulant>, click their tongue and sigh dramatically, or (and I thought I’m mentioned that this comes up) make a sad noise (it’s hard to describe. Think the uttered equivalent of a :/) as if the fact that I didn’t need their help were some sort of bad news.
Y’know, it’s really tough to describe the nonverbal communication I can get with text, just as a complete aside.

@tallin32 really, just like you and I, and everyone else in the world; people are different. Someone who remarks in a way that may seem negative after offering to help, may have a personality that pouts at the least little thing. Who knows.

I’ve worked with people who questioned my every nuance. “Are you upset? Are you okay today? Is something wrong? Are you mad?” I appreciated their concern, but you know what, quit asking me if I’m okay. If I want to talk about it I’ll ask you to pull up a chair and ask you to listen.

People are just different. Some may not offer to help you if they saw you were ready to be hit by a snow plow.

@tallin32 Ok, that is strange. I wouldn’t understand that kind of reaction to your reply, either. Some people are just weird, I guess.

It’s a funny thing indeed, @tallin32. I can imagine you would have to provide somewhat of an annoyed response in cases where the “helpful” person is actually being an annoyance.. otherwise, how would they learn? Communication is important for sure.

Maybe what you’re sensing is the sound of deflation itself! Have you ever had to get up only to find out (quite instantly) that you didn’t have to get up at all? Perhaps you thought your phone was ringing while you were waiting for an urgent call only to realize that it was the phone on the TV instead of your actual phone ringing. There’s often a few sounds that come with that kind of deflation. First you feel stupid so you might be like “oh!” or you might make that clicky kind of sound.. you know the one? it sounds kind of like “tsk!” as in “tsk tsk!” when someone does something they shouldn’t have. Secondly, your muscles were all tensed and ready to go so you might sigh a bit as you release yourself back into normalcy.. Then of course there’s just all the motions involved in assuming your regular position, shuffling feet and the like.. and everyone has different habits. Maybe some of the people you thought handled it well suffered the same level of deflation only that they have different deflation habits, virtually undetectable by a deflation sleuth such as yourself.

It’s an interesting situation to consider. I know I’ve certainly been on the rejected end a few times in my life. I don’t recall bearing any animosity towards someone who refused assistance unless they did so in a way that intended to bring me down a few notches.

hmm.. I guess on that note, there definitely is a “high horse” of sorts that one can get themselves on when they’re out there trying to be a do-gooder. Maybe they deserve it sometimes, lol. (sometimes! come on, at least once!) But whatever..

The people who would get offended are clearly the people who have the least experience in dealing with someone of your unique caliber. It may even be their first experience ever with a unsighted person. Ignorance is the only thing that causes people to err. Mostly, I’m sure these people deserve pity rather than fury. Go easy on these ignorant souls. Even misplaced deflation breaks down to human error rather than evil.

@ninjacolin: I like “deflation sleuth”. ;-)

It is probably because you rejected them. My father is also blind and he feels that it is best for him to accept the help, even if someone ends up leading him the wrong way and he knows where he is going. Why does he do this? He feels that if he doesn’t, the person might not want to be helpful to another person (who might even need the help) in the future due to the rude response.

@AnonymousGirl: I used to think that. Then, one day, on my college campus, as I was crossing the street with a guide whose help I unnecessarily accepted, I was hit by a car. Seriously. Hit, by a car, in the ass. And it was a Ford Probe. Honest—I’m not making this up! But yeah, after that point I stopped accepting help I didn’t need.

Aww.

Well, my Dad was actually saved by an elderly woman for accepting her help once without fighting it. He said the woman grabbed him and pulled him aside super fast and he was confused… but realized soon after that a speeding car he was not prepared for was heading in his direction.