Can a man really stay faithful to one woman?

I think its easier for a woman to give her all and be with someone that makes her happy without cheating

False.

As a general rule, I think only a few good men can actually stay faithful, but it depends on a lot of factors like age, maturity etc.

I think it’s possible. God I hope it’s possible, I’m planning on my SO staying faithful to me forever! I also think fidelity requires a lot of maintenance from both parties involved in order for it to be possible.

Yes it is possible, all it takes is self control which come with maturity. If you truly love your SO, you won’t be tempted to screw up a good thing

Yes, of course it is, but it depends on the man and to some extent the woman.

My wife cheated on me. I’ve never cheated on anyone I was with; dating or married.

Sure it’s possible. We’ve got a beautiful little gadget in our skulls called a pre-frontal cortex. It enables us to anticipate the consequences of our actions and override our primitive impulses when we can see that they will lead to no good. Some people learn to use it well, some don’t.

Of course a man can. The right man. I don’t know what percent of men in marriages are faithful for the life of the marriage. I couldn’t even guess.

Even good men can be unfaithful. Then again, so can good women. There is an argument by evolutionary biologists that suggests there is a survival advantage conferred on both men and women who cheat. Of course, there are other advantages for being faithful. The best is to do both—cheat, but have no one ever find out about it.

The trick then, is to either not get caught or to not catch your partner cheating. Assuming the relationship is good in other ways. If not, then there are other problems to deal with. Cheating would only be a symptom.

Yes! But as a guess, only 4 out of 10 men can stay faithful to one woman.

Define ‘faithful’ please.

But when your loving and supportive, emotionally, financially and you make them feel like a million dollars, telling them how gorgeous they are, funny, witty etc. You have a great sex life. You make time for them, and let them know they are the only person in the world for you, and then they still do it? That’s a problem right?

@gmander If I may, guess faithful is when a man only has sex with one woman, in most cases his wife.

@BeccaBoo Some guys are addicted to the affirmation/ego-boost that comes from the pursuit and conquest. Once the conquest has been achieved (and you just described a total conquest), they lose interest.

@mazingerz88 – Well, that was my though. In which case, it’s not just possible, it’s actually quite easy!

There have always been beautiful women around. If a person is into monogamy, they can remain faithful despite attraction to others.

Yes a man can remain faithful, it’s just a matter of him wanting to.

Of course. I have been for 20+ years and I find the relationship quite a bit more satisfying than any passing roll in the hay along the way would have been.

The odds are best if the man is over 70, confined to a wheelchair and has a heart condition.

Yes, a man can really stay faithful to one woman. My husband and I have been married for 11 years, next Friday, and he’s never cheated. He barely even looks at other women, unless I say something like, “Ohhh I like her skirt, whaddya think?”

Trust me, my hubby has such a conscience that he wouldn’t be able to cheat and keep it a secret. He calls me his “Lobster”. If you’ve ever watched the TV show FRIENDS, you’ll know what that means.

I also wanted to say that it’s ridiculous to assume men have an uncontrollable sex drive. My parnter and I have been together for 4 years, open marriage, he’s never slept with another person other than me even though he can and I’ve slept with others. So it’s not black and white.

But thats a choice you both make and i take my hat off to you both, as long as you are BOTH happy living like that. To me though it makes a joke out of your wedding vows! But i guess each to their own?

@BeccaBoo Oh hi, I wasn’t putting that down there to have you feel okay or not okay about open marriages. I was mentioning to say that even when men CAN have sex outside the marriage, they don’t, necessarily. But thanks?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I agree. I feel bad when people make it seem like men are the only unfaithful ones. I know more women that have been unfaithful than men. (Not saying that you are being unfaithful Simone, just that I know more women that have been and it’s a shame that people always make men out to be the bad guys.)

@Simone_De_Beauvoir this could open a whole new debate…...i agree about the fact that its not just men that cheat, but the fact is that where i am from (UK) its predominantly the men that do, they are sneaky and lie. All i want to know is are they all like that? But hey you are a lucky lady and glad for you that your man hasn’t.

@Seaofclouds I know what you meant, :) And I agree with you that people think it’s okay to contribute over and over to stereotypes about men but feel upset about ones about women
@BeccaBoo This ‘whole new debate’ has been talked to death on Fluther – conclusion: do whatever you want as long as you are happy. I’m not ‘glad that he hasn’t’...because going outside our marriage isn’t cheating and I would NOT mind at all if he has, I encourage him all the time.

@BeccaBoo Are the women these men are cheating with unmarried or not in a committed relationship? Just curious.

I have had several very close friendships with married men, and even those that expressed some complaints about their wives, none ever propositioned me.

@BeccaBoo – Where do you get your statistics from? “They are sneaky and lie” – are you implying that women don’t do this, or that men do so much more than women. Again, numbers please.

@gmander this is not about statistics, this is about my personal experiances. However i got this :-

Cheating and Infidelity Statistics: Are men cheating more than women? Recent studies reveal that 45–55% of married women and 50–60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship. Do these infidelity statistics seem a bit startling? What these findings suggest is that approximately one half of all married men and women do seek intimacy outside of their committed relationships. But what does this really mean and why are the number of men and women having extramarital affairs so high?This may come as a complete surprise, but most extramarital affairs are not about sex. What then, is the main factor that causes infidelity?

So hows that?

It’s possible, depending on the confines of the relationship. I doubt very men can manage a life-long partnership without ever cheating. Society seems to tacitly recognize this, which is why starter marriages and long-term non- or pre-marital cohabitation have become largely acceptable if not outright encouraged.

Besides recreational sex, sex is in part about reproductive strategy. If you’re a guy who wants to reproduce in a monogamous society, and monogamy is probably a fairly recent human development, cheating is a good strategy. You can cheat with a woman and get her long term partner to waste his resources caring for your offspring.

I was totally faithful to my first wife for over 30 years. When I lost my high-paying job with Exxon, she cut me off from any and all affection. I held out for three years, and then we separated because I decided that I wasn’t going to live the rest of my life as a monk!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir That you for jumping in here, Simone. I was getting quite sad at the state of this until you came by :-)

Anyway, to answer the question, yes. Men are not uncontrollable animals who are driven by porn and sexy ladies to rut as much as possible. We are, intriguingly enough, people who are capable of making rational decisions. And ones that cheat are not indicative of how men are all cheaters. They’re indicative of how that guy there is a cheater. As others have said, women cheat, too. Cheating is a problem with the person, not the gender.

And as Simone has demonstrated, ‘faithful’ is a little tricky in terms of wording. You can be completely devoted to your SO and have sex with other people. Not precisely common, but it happens. However, my answer still stands as far as faithful means ‘not having sex outside the marriage in those unions which do not allow it’.

@BeccaBoo Really, you’re being incredibly unfair. I’m pretty sure the UK is not somehow overrun with infidelity. While it’s sad if you have run in to quite a few in your time, this, again, is not how ‘men’ act. It’s how those men act.

And cite your sources, please.

@bolwerk Reproductive strategy is bunk. See This write up about new research that cuts the foundation from reproductive strategy theory. Basically, the original research was very badly done. Done correctly, the bias between men and women disappears.

@BeccaBoo – Yes, interesting. Within statistical norms, it would appear that the numbers are not much different. In other words men and woman exhibit similar behaviours. You just prefer to dislike men. I forgive you.

@BhacSsylan: I wasn’t referring to that theory, at least not in its traditional oversimplified form (I have no idea if it’s been updated). However, that mating involves some biological prerogatives that fit into an overall set of preferences and motivations (”strategy”) for the individual to seek out in a mate, or in mating encounters, probably isn’t especially disputed. I think there are too many exceptions to old school SST for it to be taken seriously, and non-sexual factors clearly matter too.

@BeccaBoo Perhaps it has something to do with where and how you are meeting the men in your life if that’s how all men seem to be.

@BhacSsylan Firstly i feel its unfair for you to comment on whats going on here, if you look at the statistics and the divorce rate here in the UK and the amount of men who get caught cheating because of the way sex here is made available like a fast food joint. I am not limiting this to just men doing it, its about my personal experiences, that have happened to me directly.

@gmander I don’t dislike men at all and i think its hugely unfair for you to even imply this. I feel the same about women cheating as I do men. Its wrong on all levels. I just wondering if the possibility for a man to be with one woman and stay faithful is a reality that’s all!!

@Seaofclouds My ex husband i met through a mutual friend and we were together 17yrs. My current partner i met at a party and we have been together 3yrs. So I am not promiscuous in case you were wondering?

@BeccaBoo I wasn’t insinuating that you were promiscuous at all, just stating that if the majority of the men you meet are unfaithful, perhaps there is some kind of pattern to it, such as where or how you were meeting them. Nothing more than that.

@BeccaBoo – Re men: “They are sneaky and lie”. I don’t think I am implying anything, your opinion is quite clear for all to see. You should really read what you write before posting.

As a woman who holds her integrity dear to her heart I can say with extreme passion that I find all duplicitous conduct to be offensive and of low integrity, regardless of gender.

I feel that any woman who cheats, or falsely accuses a man of sexual misconduct, traps a man through ‘accidental’ pregnancy or any other manner of decietful, manipulative behaviors might be, even MORE offensive to me, as a woman of character, than a man who cheats.

Why?

Because, I resent my decency and strength of character being blighted by what, should be, a solidarity amongst my peers.

ANYONE that cheats, in any way, is a blight to their gender!

Of course they can. My SO was a huge player and has cheated on his ex’s before, but he has been completely faithful to me because “he wants to [be faithful].”

@gmander That statement is referred only and I mean only to the men who I know have gone behind a SO back to have relations elsewhere. Nothing more, would be the same to a woman as well. Cheating is cheating be it man or woman. However my question was pin pointed at men. I just needed a little re-assurance here that’s all.

@bolwerk You are referring to that strategy, you’re using the theory almost word for word (cheating allows the male to get more children while someone else pays for it is a major tenet). The problem with it is 1) it, again, makes men out (and women, to be fair) to be mindless sex-filled automatons driven by evolutionary desire and 2) the data doesn’t actually corroborate it! Read that link of mine, it refutes most points of RST very well. Human society is way too complex at this point for any such theory to really hold. At the very least, societal pressures are a major facet of human life, and RST does not at all account for it. Humans evolved in societies, from perhaps even farther back then tree-dwelling ape days. Discounting that is just sloppy work.

@BeccaBoo And what are the statistics I am unaware of? i asked for the source of your quote above to see if it has any merit. as @gmander has stated what you wrote seems to imply that the statistics are essentially the same across gender, and I have no source to check whether or not that’s true, and whether or not that research even has any merit.

Also, we’re giving you reassurance. However, your original question is very anti-men, and those of us that are pro-men, or just pro-people, tend to get rather miffed at that. Especially when the exact opinion you imply (meant or not) is very common: that men are incapable of controlling themselves. And you started with “Cheating men are sneaky and lie” (though that wasn’t clear, and could easily have meant all men), and followed it up with “are they all like that?” Implying it is a possibility. Stereotyping is a bad habit.

@WillWorkForChocolate I just read through your post. Love it thank you. Lets hope after 11yrs that I can write a nice post like that to some one.

I agree with @BhacSsylan

Everyone has free will and the ability to make conscious choices if they so choose, but, I do feel the glut of sexual ‘entertainment’ via porn, the internet, strip clubs, and the lack of taboo surrounding such over the last 30 years has invited and created an easy out for many men.

I’m not a porn fan, but…if there were 24 hour bakeries at my fingertips I can assure you I’d cave, sooner or later and eat every cheesecake I could grab. lol

We have created a sexual monster in these industries and the temptation is greater than many mens resolve.

My ex husband was a porn addict and it was extremely painful for me, until I understood the nature of the issues.

I beat myself up for years, feeling inadequate when, in reality, I was an adorable, petite, vivacious woman that was competing with the powerful cocktail of fantasy and arousal.

Sad stuff.

@BhacSsylan: so? It’s one strategy and it makes sense as a strategy. It doesn’t make sense as an overarching explanation of all human reproductive behavior. A lifelong monogamous relationship is another strategy. Not everybody is a “mindless sex-filled automatons driven by evolutionary desire” to want a lifelong, monogamous relationship, but I digress. Cheating does allow some individuals advantages – and it has costs (e.g., increased risk of your own partner cheating, risks of physical violence, and risk of STDs). It doesn’t mean everyone cheats (or desires to cheat, though that’s harder to prove or disprove), and I think that’s where theories like that have tended to fall short. I don’t think acknowledging that people cheat because it might give them an advantage makes people into mindless automatons, but it does explain why some behavior that marital idealists don’t condone is widespread.

@BhacSsylan You are taking this way to seriously. Statistics are of no interest to me, opinions on open minded marriages again are of no interest to me because its not a way of life I will ever choose to embark on. I am sorry if you feel i mislead you on my feelings towards men. I have enough of them in my life, 2 brothers 4 sons and i can sit here and put my hand on my heart and say that all i wanted to know was if all men are capiable of cheating? I dont hate men, i love them. I don’t want to raise my boys to think that cheating is acceptable.

@Coloma No we are talking, I live with porn addict and feel this is one step away from him cheating.
It does make you feel like your nothing, worthless and what they desire is something that you (or in my case, I ) could ever compete with!

@BeccaBoo So now we’re getting somewhere, in terms of your ideas. Anecdotal evidence, that is evidence you glean from your single situation (that you do not have to condone if it makes you feel worthless), can not and should not be applied to entire genders.

@Coloma You may agree with me, but I have to disagree with you. You’re still saying men are incapable of controlling themselves. You are saying women aren’t better, i suppose, but I still take issue with it.

Now, i will agree that the availability has made men that want to cheat and want an excuse something to grab onto it. But I disagree that the prevalence has made more men do it. There’s actually no real data to suggest this.Now, since you say ‘easy out’, i think you may really have meant that meaning, in which case sure. But a man ‘caving’ and cheating and you caving and having a cheesecake are not the problem with the sellers.

Also, blaming your ex’s addiction on the industry is pretty low. If he was addicted, that’s a psychological issue. If he wasn’t, and he was just calling it that, then he’s a liar who’s using it as an excuse and, again, not the industry’s fault. It’s either a problem in a brain or a problem with his personality. Either way it’s his.

And as far as full disclosure, I watch porn, and my fiancee knows. Encourages it, actually (we’re currently rather long-distance). I have never had any urge to cheat.

@bolwerk To be straight, are you saying some people do this because they consciously want the outcome, or because their genes tell them to? Because we could be arguing different points. And if the later, there are many other theories that explain the data better. A theory which fails to properly account for data is no longer viable.

@BeccaBoo I am taking this seriously because this is a very prevalent opinion I try and quash when possible. I’m not saying you hate men, but you do seem to have some opinions of them which are unfair.

And sorry, you talk about these problems as being prevalent among men, and yet you don’t say why you think that. I’d like to know. Getting your opinion of ‘men’ out of two jerks is just as bad as a man who has two wives cheating on him declaring all women as cheating bitches.

@BeccaBoo All men/women are capable of cheating, it’s just a matter of desire. All men/women are also capable of remaining faithful, once again, it’s just a matter of desire. Some men/women don’t have a desire to remain faithful to one person until they meet the right person to remain faithful to. There is really no way to know until you go down that road.

@Seaofclouds That has to be the most sensible and reasonable answer i have had yet. Thank you

@BeccaBoo – Wow, looks like I’m late to this one. I haven’t read all of the responses yet, but I just wanted to chime in and say that yes, it is definitely possible for a man to remain faithful to one woman. Hell, it happens all the time.

Whether it’s statistically more likely for a man to cheat on a woman than it is for a woman to cheat on a man, I don’t know. But why would it be easier for a woman to “give her all and be with someone that makes her happy without cheating”?

You say that the world is filled with beautiful women and technology, and you imply that that makes it easier for a man to be unfaithful. Well, the world is also filled with beautiful men.

Of course people in relationships are tempted all the time. What matters is whether they’re able to make the “right” choice and not give in to temptation from other potential lovers. Good people who are in monogamous relationships don’t give in.

@BhacSsylan

No, I did not say that, I said ” everyone has free will”...I offer no excuses, however, facts are facts, people have always cheated but, when we put sexuality on the same ‘recreational’ continuum as eating pizza…well, ....with the ease and availability it makes it much easier for a man to retreat into fantasy land rather than addressing his intimacy issues in his primary relationship.

Of course, like all addictions, it is a complex issue, with the core issue being intimacy fears and issues.

For the 20–30 something crowd it is considered a ‘normal’ part of life for many, but, as a mature woman I can tell you I have seen the rise of these industries and the damaging effects they have had on many relationships over the last 30–35 years.

From zero to 60 in a few short decades.

Some can, yes, absolutely. Not all, maybe not even most, but some. I’m married to one, straight-arrow true for 33 years.

Same goes for women.

As to why or why not, surely no one thinks there’s just one reason that holds for everyone.

@Coloma I think we’re being a bit derailing, just to say, this is sort of a different issue.

That aside, though: Zero to 60? Divorce rate, you mean? I fail to see that they’re linked. Porn and prostitution have been around for centuries. ‘Oldest Profession’ and all that. Porn was very prevalent indeed before the Victorian era, and even that mostly served to drive it underground, it flourished to a degree for a long time into the Victorian era, since adding taboo tends to have that effect. I find it much more likely that the relaxing hold of religion has shown people that if they’re in a relationship that’s not making them happy that they are capable of leaving it, instead of being bound “until death do we part” by God. But that’s my own conjecture, and don’t have too much to go on. However, I’d say it’s just as good as your anecdotal evidence.

And even then, it’s not zero to 60 to any degree. Even in catholic countries it still happened, and in protestant countries it’s been allowed for a while.

@Coloma Also, there’s an important distinction in your example. If you lived next to a bakery, and your SO told you “Dear, i know it’s tempting, but it would hurt me deeply and make me question our relationship if you were to have a slice of cheesecake”, would you still cave?

@BhacSsylan: probably both. Humans tend to have sex recreationally, so I wouldn’t be surprised if that outcome often unconsciously improves reproductive success. I think the general problem with most theories is they address sexuality quite well, but sexuality and social norms tend to clash a lot. Even SST made a positive contribution to evolutionary psychology – it’s just a very incomplete one. There are just better ideas out there these days.

@(the thread in general): Anyway, what’s all this poop about urges and control? If you want to maximize how much you get your freak on, as many young people like to do, there are alternatives besides “cheating.” One is disclosing you’re having sex with other people and letting your partner decide if that’s acceptable – unsurprisingly, it often is. And surprise, it’s not cheating anymore when you tell your partner what you’re doing. It’s only cheating when you both have an understanding that you won’t have sex with other people, and you do anyway. So, can a man stay faithful to one woman (at least within the confines of a relationship that may be itself be finite)? Sure. Does he have to? No.

@bolwerk I agree it may have moved the field forward (mostly because I don’t know enough to say it didn’t), but that still doesn’t make it true. Descarte did a lot for the development of philosophy, but dualism is still wrong. And alchemy did much to further the understanding of chemistry, but things aren’t made up of five elements.

Won’t disagree with your other statement, though. There are many successful open relationships now, as @Simone_De_Beauvoir is testament to. Though to be fair, the original question was stated in terms to mean a monogamous relationship, which is probably why so many people are referring to the subset of the population that says they are but aren’t.

I can always be fathfull, because no one else would have me anyway.

Absolutely, yes,it is.

I have always associated cheating with weakness.

@BhacSsylan: that it’s incomplete and imperfect doesn’t make it “untrue.” IMHO, it’s oversimplified, probably for two reasons:

1) it was a new idea at the time, with all the attendant shortcomings of a new idea in a new field

2) there probably is some real misogyny involved – the archetype of the gold-digger woman resonates in patriarchal societies, precisely because it happens to be one of the few traditional ways women can gain some measure of power in a patriarchal society

Still, I don’t even look at it, or find it very interesting, in terms of true and false – as a matter of fact, that’s a bad way to look at any scientific theory. Lots of theories in evolutionary psychology (and psychology – and evolution! – in general) probably are only useful in cases where the circumstances they model get approximated – this just happens to be one where that probably isn’t very often. It clearly ignores far too many factors to be useful in a real-life context. There’s probably an assumption that all other factors are equal between two choices for SST to work (factors include totally subjective things, like which person you care about more – and assumes it would be possible to equalize them). Regardless, it hit on a factor that most people probably weigh when selecting a mate, just not the only one.

To be fair to the OP and the polyamorous alike, I think questions like this only come up because of discordant social pressure people have to cope with. Men are expected to be faithful, steady father figures – but also to get a lot of action, and then socially validate each other’s prowess (“hey, brah, I totally scored with that slut from the bar last night”). Everyone is socialized for monogamy, even as monogamy probably isn’t right for everyone, at least not at every point in his/her life.

@bolwerk I suppose we’re not really arguing too much :-p. I don’t think it’s really on the right track, but you don’t seem to be denying that, so maybe were just misinterpreting.

Again, though, totally agree on your other point. And I think that goes into why i think divorce rates are higher now then before. People are starting to realize that marriage isn’t what they actually want, and, unlike before, they now have recourse to find what it is they do what. Hopefully, if alternative lifestyles continue to grow in exposure, we’ll have less divorces because people won’t see marriage as the only option, which it current now is displayed as. They’ll end up in a marriage because they’ve seen all the alternatives and like marriage the best, which I think is rather more powerful.

I definitely think it’s possible if the man genuinely wants to be monogamous. If he doesn’t want to be at his core, it won’t work.

I think it’s also up to the woman too. She can’t be constantly denying his needs and expect him to be plum happy and not stray. Relationships take work. She also needs to meet his emotional needs and not be clingy. Goes for the guy too.

Although I have a different idea of “faithful”...for me, it means not physically or emotionally cheating. I don’t consider it unfaithful for a guy to have different fantasies, masturbate, or look at porn. My boyfriend looks at porn sometimes and so do I – sometimes we watch it together. I don’t consider that cheating.

@BhacSsylan

I meant ’ 0–60’ in terms of the sexual trades development over the last 3 decades.
I am well aware that there is no truly new news under the sun, however, I have no doubt that the sex industry has accelerated to the point of critical mass and there is a lot of relational fallout from such temptations being so easily available.

And no, I would not cave on the cheesecake if my partner objected, that would be having my cake and eating it too. lol

@Coloma If relationships are falling apart from that then they shouldn’t be together in the first place. If anything it means that the stronger relationships are the ones that stay together. Isn’t that a good thing?

And in that case, sorry, I just don’t get what you mean by ‘0–60’. My apologies that my retort was apparently off base, I was confused because of the 60% figure quoted by @BeccaBoo above. But that’s also about cheating, not divorce, so I was just a little mixed up, it seems. Do you mind expanding on that?

And then that’s what i mean, then. If you’re in a relationship with someone and they ask you to not do something, then if you’re a good SO you don’t. It’s not an issue of it being available, it’s simply an issue of whether or not you choose to do it. And if it’s something that you can’t/won’t stop, then you have to rethink your relationship (and, at best, talk it out with your partner, but in a bad relationship this may not work). Cheating shouldn’t ever come up if you’re in a good relationship. And if you’re in a bad one, well, you should get out.

@BhacSsylan Cheating happens weather or not the relationship is good or bad. Life is just not that black and white. I agree with what you say about choosing to, however there are fools out there that are weak and give into temptation.

As for marriage, you have changed your view re your first post!

@BhacSsylan

I fail to compute your point. Relationships are profoundly effected by sexual addiction, all the time. Has nothing to do with whether two people should or should not be together.

I had an open, honest discussion before marrying my ex about his penchant for strip clubs & porn and of course, he assured me he would not be doing that after we married. Part of all addictive behavior includes massive lying, duh!

When I discovered his secret life after years and years I divorced him. I’d have divorced him sooner had I really known the extent of his issues.

Again, the 0–60 reference, lets see if I can be clearer.

0–60 as in from pinup girls to Playboy in the 40’s & 50’s to 24/7 all you can eat on the internet, adult stores, all nude nightclubs.
Catch my drift yet?

There is no disputing the little porn puppy has grown into a gargantuan beast in a very short period of time in our history.

@Coloma “Porn puppy”. <snicker>

I think serial monogamy is probably the easiest state for most people. I stayed faithful to ex-Mrs Meiosis for a quite a few years after we’d stopped having sex on anything like a regular basis, but eventually the ego-boosting of another person’s attraction was too much to resist. I knew then it was time to go (although it took me quite a while to actually leave). Now I’m again happily faithful with another (wonderful) woman. Hopefully I’ll remain so forever, as cheating is hard work (albeit exceedingly thrilling hard work), and being hopelessly, devotedly in love is amazing.

It’s definitely possible to stay faithful, but that’s not to say guys don’t occasionally think about other women.

@BeccaBoo I know what you mean. Men where I live are like that too. I don’t know of any man among my family and friends who has been totally faithful. I am sure there are many faithful guys in the world. I just don’t know any.

IMO being faithful is a choice human beings make regardless of gender. Everyone has the physical capacity of being physically faithful but some choose not to be. However, traditionally men had been known to cheat more than women—some say because of biological reasons, others claim it is the result of social conditioning. In any case, we don’t need statistics for that; we all know that was true until more or less the first half of the past century. But, women’s sexual freedom from the 60’s on changed that traditional notion into an almost 50–50 situation, and that is what statistics show these days.
@Simone_De_Beauvoir If a person is into monogamy, they can remain faithful despite attraction to others… Obviously your idea of faithfulness is not the mainstream one since yours doesn’t involve physical faithfulness.
@WillWorkForChocolate Trust me, my hubby has such a conscience that he wouldn’t be able to cheat and keep it a secret. Cheaters don’t usually have the habit of informing their SO that they are cheating. It’s something you usually find out the hard way. Some people who have been cheated on would have sworn of their partners fidelity up to the day they found out otherwise.
@gmander Where do you get your statistics from? I think from here

@Porifera – Your comment to @Simone_De_Beauvoir is irrelevant, being that she said “if a person is into monogamy”. She and her partner aren’t, so their idea of faithful has nothing to do with anything.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir – Sorry for jumping in there on your behalf; it just struck me as something that I had to point out.

@Porifera Like I said before, “my hubby has such a conscience that he wouldn’t be able to cheat and keep it a secret”. He’s just not capable of keeping a secret like that; he’d break down and end up crying and spilling his guts. I know my husband in and out, and something like that would eat him alive until he just couldn’t take it anymore.

@WillWorkForChocolate Yeah, OK.

@BeccaBoo I didn’t say it doesn’t, i said it shouldn’t, big difference. And I said in either case, right there in my answer. Yes, people can have failings. But that, again, is not an issue of the gender, it’s an issue with the person who has failed. And if they’re in a good relationship, they can talk about it and hopefully make it better. Find out the reasons for the failing and fix them. And again, if you’re in a bad relationship, it’s best you leave.

And how did I change my opinion? Not seeing it, please let me know what you mean, you may have misunderstood me.

@Coloma Where are you getting this information from? You’ve said you’ve seen it, okay, but you seeing it several times does not mean it happens ‘all the time, everywhere’. Neither does it mean that this is suddenly a new problem. And I agree, as I said addiction, when real, is a psychological problem that needs to be addressed. But very few people are addicted to porn, it is not a huge rampant issue. People watching porn has gone up, but that doesn’t make porn addiction hugely common. Please show me some evidence if you know otherwise.

And if it’s not a real addiction, but just something you like to do then, once again, we have the cheesecake issue. If your SO doesn’t want you to do it, either you stop it or the relationship. If it being prevalent makes it a problem, then you have the duty to fix the problem, either take measures to remove it or work something out with your SO. If you’re lying, then, well, that’s your bad, plain and simple. Though if your SO doesn’t want to talk, that I would consider a bad relationship.

And nope, still not getting it. Please just say what you mean, it’ll make things much clearer. As i’ve mentioned before, it’s been around forever. not in HD, sure, but that’s never really been an issue to those that want to find it.

@Porifera While it may have been the case in older days, that’s because a women could be jailed, branded, tossed out of house and home, etc for cheating (scarlet letter, anyone?), while men, at least of the upper class, were practically expected to. And it probably still happened more often then any of the time would admit. It was societal pressures, and probably nothing more.
And I understand @WillWorkForChocolate, because I am of a similar nature. Small breeches of trust will trouble me greatly, i don’t think i could ever deal with having cheated and keeping it a secret.

@BhacSsylan – I believe that by 0–60 @Coloma is referring to the time it takes for a car to go from 0 to 60 mph as a measure of going from nothing to lots. It’s just a turn of phrase. I think she means that the porn industry went from next to nothing to being everywhere in a very short time.

@Seelix Sorry you don’t get to decide on the relevance of my comments or not. I was just putting my two cents in and wasn’t attacking no one. Everything I write is relevant as is everybody else’s here… even yours! Please don’t make this a personal confrontation…I don’t have the energy, actually I do, but I rather put my efforts into the interesting topic of discussion at hand.

And yes, @Simone_De_Beauvoir idea of faithfulness has a lot to do with the topic here because an open marriage has different ideas about faithfulness, hence their decision to have one.

@Porifera CHILL please, before it gets ugly.

@Porifera Agreed with @WillWorkForChocolate. Simone was giving an alternative view and even stated it as such.

@Seelix Ah, that makes more sense. In that case, have to say my opinion in my other posts still stands, it’s been around forever. And there were times when it was far more prevalent then today, though more in person then the good old interwebs. So meh. It wasn’t zero, it’s not at 60, and i still debate that it’s a problem.

@BhacSsylan

My ‘sources’ are plenty of relationships I have known that were effected by the issue and, again, I never said infidelities or sexually arousing material is anything new.
I said that the sex INDUSTRY, itself, has grown tremendously over the past 50 years.

I have also read scads of books/articles on the issue during that time, and, it is and has been a growing problem in the last 20 years with the advent of the internet and all it’s offerings.

I was in counseling after my divorce in 2003 and my therapist then said that the number of couples she was getting with internet and other porn issues had tripled that year.

Are you satisfied with my answers yet, or, would you like to pound the fillet a little flatter? lol :-/

@WillWorkForChocolate, I’ve read lots of your post. Your husband is faithful because he’s probably one of the most well sexed men in America, lol. Well he probably has a strong conscience as well.

As a male let me say, most men don’t just go and do such a thing at a wim. Emotional and physical alienation usually precede such things. I have been faithful to my wife for over 13 years, but than again we have a freeking magnificent sex life.

No, I’m not, sorry. Anecdotal evidence is not evidence. I’m sorry you were so affected by it, but I place the blame with the people. If it’s something you can control, it is up to you to control it. If you can’t, it’s a separate issue. I have likewise read much material, and I come to opposite conclusions. And the porn ‘industry’ has been growing for a long time. Since the 40s, as you say (and i still contend it’s not much of a difference). And the internet is a heck of a lot older then 2003. What made that such a special year? A blip, that would suggest. Not a growing trend. If it tripled every year since 2003 either it was essentially non-existent in 2002, or tons of relationships everywhere would be in a state of shambles. They’re not. Many are, but relationships always have issues. And people will always try to blame something handy and visible.

And @Season_of_Fall brings up a good point. One that I haven’t quite articulated. A huge and important issue in every relationship is communication, especially about sexual desires. Sometimes porn really is the only way a person can get release, because their partner doesn’t want to do X, Y, or Z. Now, that becomes a big issue, as X, Y, and Z may have some real problem for your SO. But if that’s the case, the way to fix it is not to ignore it, or blame it on “the sex industry”. It’s to talk about it and figure out something to do.

@Season_of_Fall So if your sex life wasn’t magnificent, you’d consider cheating vs. fixing whatever it is that’s wrong with your sex life?

@Season_of_Fall You just made me giggle!

@Simone_De_Beauvoir, I didn’t say my sex life was perfect. Its great because we love and adore each other. I would still pick her out of a crowd. How do I make this next statement. We have both kept our selfs up as well. That may or may not mean ideal bodies from couple to couple but it definately means self dignity. There are lots of things my wife won’t do, that I would have liked to have tried, but she won’t so I will never. I don’t know how to answer your question in one way because it’s just not bad and its not gonna be bad because we both stay engaged actively pleased with what we do do. OK

I guess I just don’t comprehend your point because I have deliberately adored my wife everyday. I make it a point to do my part to keep things passionate and thrilling.

Yes, I’ve known several.
My first husband was faithful to both his wives.
My ex live-in bf was faithful to his ex wife and then to me.
An ex bf of mine was faithful to his wife and then to me.
My current fiancée’ was faithful to his wife and is to me.

Some men actually see monogamy as their favored state, they take pride in it and see it as a honor to share with their partner. Monogamy isn’t all about sacrifice and denial.

@Season_of_Fall I didn’t ask you about your marriage or sex life. I just wondered why cheating would be easier for you to consider than working on your sex life IF it was bad.

Ok, @Simone_De_Beauvoir, I see how I tacked that statement on to the end of that sentance and made it look asscociated. Lets try to clearify, the “Well how would I know, its been too great” was said tongue and cheek. I would love my wife no matter what. If you need a further explanation your opinion of me would likely be the same no matter what I said.

Simply put, probably mostly because it was written poorly, but you took my statement wrong.

Yes, it is possible.
Men do it because the brain below the belt messes up the brain above the belt.

Sex addiction, I believe, is different from love addiction. People can be addicted to porn, or going out and picking up strangers to go home with, or having multiple affairs, or just into the intrigue of getting away with it.

Some people can want multiple lovers (wanting love as much or more than sex), or can have serial dysfunctional relationships, or many codependent relationships where the woman (typically) will do anything for the man, even though he’s a jerk to her.

I think we would do well to be careful about buying into the concept of love addiction. Most “addicts” start working on love addiction when they get caught and they are trying to save their primary relationship.

If half of men and women cheat, then it seems likely that one could run into a series of men or women who cheat on you. We seem to be talking about why people cheat. Is it addiction? Is it porn? Is it a problem in the relationship? Is it fixable?

I believe a lot of people cheat because they aren’t getting any physical closeness at home. Others do because they aren’t feeling any love from their spouse. In either case, not all people who suffer these things cheat. I have seen people say they remain faithful in some of the worst relationships.

If you read the article @BhacSsylan pointed us to, it seems that pleasure plays a big role in why people decide to cheat. They are much more likely to cheat with someone they think will be a good lover.

I think there is so much that goes into the decision to cheat, that it is nearly impossible to sort out the motivations. I also believe that there are no innocent parties when one member of the couple decides to cheat. I think it is a good idea if people who have been cheated on ask themselves, as honestly as they can, if there is something they did that caused there to be more of a gap between the two of you.

I don’t believe cheating is necessarily just about fucking. It’s usually about finding a good connection with someone, because the connection you have with your spouse is not giving you what you need.

Many people honor their vows, and stay in a relationship that is not meeting their desires, or event making them absolutely miserable. Maybe they do this out of duty, or fear of what would happen if they get caught.

Others choose to work on the relationship. They might see a couples counselor. Some before the cheating, and some after. Mostly after. According to my counselor, counseling in a case where there has been cheating is rarely successful in keeping a couple together. It is a way of helping them come to a more amicable divorce, and even that goal isn’t achieved very much.

I believe that, to a large extent, we find the partners we are looking for. If we have low self esteem, we might find partners who will punish us though abuse, often in the form of cheating. I think that an astounding number of people in Western societies feel bad about themselves. So they find themselves in dysfunctional relationships, and even when they realize what they are doing, they stay in those relationships out of duty or for the kids.

I believe that far too few people choose a relationship that will offer them pleasure. So they end up miserable and in an effort to feel better, they choose to cheat, so they can both do their duty and have happiness.

Society is quite hypocritical in general, if these cheating statistics are to be believed. If more than half of all people cheat, then that is the norm, yet we all pretend it isn’t. I don’t think anyone will look at this any time soon. I think we’re all going to continue to say that monogamy is the best. Some of those who say it—the majority of those who say it—will cheat, anyway.

I guess I don’t see it possible to be any other way. Most of us want our partners to be monogamous. There aren’t many like @Simone_De_Beauvoir. People will have their cake, and also eat it. Those who do will lie about it if they get caught, mostly. Because that, I’m afraid, is the way our society is. We have all these draconian ideas of morality… for others. Not just about sex.

And that, my dear @BeccaBoo is why this is such a difficult issue. Hardly anyone is willing to tell the truth.

Did anyone read this far? I wouldn’t. Sorry about the length. Sometimes it takes me a while to work something out.

@wundayatta I did and loved it. Great insight cannot be done in just a couple of lines.

I read that far! Very well said, i think (and you read my article! <3! It’s also much longer then your response, so it’s only fair i read yours :-p). I don’t think it’s necessarily always both parties, as sometimes one person really is just duplicitous, and doesn’t give the other the chance to make them happy. However, I’ll agree this is probably a minority. In most cases, at the very least there are signs that should be looked into.

Also, I’ve run into interesting testimonies by prostitutes in my internet roaming, and you’d be surprised how many comment on the fact that their customers are so often looking for more then sex, or even not sex at all, which rings particularly true with your analysis.

And agreed with @Porifera. Many times a good thought takes some time to get out.

Reading through what @wundayatta said, wouldn’t it be wonderful if more people could know themselves, which side of the fence they are so they don’t waste other people’s time in relationships? Gah, who deserves a pretender when they could have a bona fide partner of mutual understanding.

@Neizvestnaya

Agreed 100%!

I have spent the better part of the last decade doing just that and you know what?
I’m at the bottom of the barrel in friendships and other relationships right now because I simply cannot relate to the unaware anymore.

The healthier you get the more the pool of potential compatible people shrinks. lol

@Coloma: Quality over quantity, who’s to complain ;)

Problem is people want their cake and eat it too.

That saying doesn’t make sense. Of course if I had food…I’m going to eat it….

@Blackberry Well, it means have it as in look at it, and eat it. Like if it’s a pretty cake? I dunno.

@Neizvestnaya Yeah, it’s a real issue. Now if only society would allow people to know themselves, instead of putting everyone in little boxes. Wouldn’t that be nice?

@Blackberry the origin of this saying goes back to the 1540s it seems. I found this to illistrate what I mean: A young handsome man starts dating a beautiful young woman. He falls in “like” with her, but is not willing to have a committed relationship because he still wants to “play the field” and date other women. Rightly, the young woman knocks him on his rear and sends him packing, saying: “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too.”

@Porifera I know what the saying means, but it doesn’t make sense lol. It’s similar to saying something along the lines of, “You want to buy your car and drive it, too.”

@Blackberry I see. You meant theliteral meaning of the sentence, not as an idiomatic expression or saying. Well here is the origin of the saying‘s_cake_and_eat_it_too. You can see why is cake and not car, bed, bat, or whatever. But yeah, if you don’t know the origin, and you take it literally, it could be about anything.

It is possible for any man or a woman to stay faithful with his/her partner if love exist between them in a real sense.. Love teaches to be loyal..no mater how many beautiful girls or handsome men you come across.