If you were dating someone casually, would you want to know if they were dating other people?

I would take the necessary precautions because you can never be sure he is being totally honest with you and even if he isn’t having sex with someone else right now, he has in the past and you don’t want to get a disease that you will never get rid of.

If I were in a sexual relationship with someone, I would definitely want to know whether my partner was in a sexual relationship with someone else. I think that for your own health, you deserve to know whether he’s sleeping with others, and you ought to tell him if you’re sleeping with others. This is especially true, I think, if unprotected sex is involved.

Wow. First, from my perspective, dating “casually” =/= unprotected sex. Second, It seems to me that you need to find a nice way to say, “Oops… the last time we slept together, we didn’t use protection. 1. We need to make sure that doesn’t happen again and 2. I need to inform you that I’m dating other people. I’m sorry that we didn’t have this conversation sooner.”

I believe in clearly communicating things once they get past a certain point. If you go out with anyone for more than a couple of dates and you see it’s getting into intimate territory, I’d tell as well as take the necessary precautions.

Oh for sure I would want to know if someone was seeing other people or not when seeing me. I wouldn’t want someone having sex with anyone else no matter how much protection was involved. I just don’t believe in sharing when it comes with sex, so if your having sex with me you better not be having sex with anyone else or I am done.

After reading the question again, I wanted to add this: if you can’t have a frank discussion about sex with this man, why are you having sex with him anyway? I’m a believer in the idea that if you can’t talk about it, you shouldn’t be doing it.

I would not be having sex with someone I was dating casually.

I agree with everyone else. Definitely talk to him about it, the sooner the better. I wouldn’t do it by email, but definitely the next time you see him and before you have sex with him again. If you talk to him on the phone, you could mention it then as well if you don’t want to wait until you see him in person again. You also need to get tested since you have had unprotected sex. When sexually active, you should be tested between each partner, even when protection is used and definitely after unprotected sex!

@Seelix: Sometimes when handsome, charming, brilliant, funny, older men with accents start kissing me all my best judgment escapes me.

I would want to know and I will ask someone if we starting hanging out regularly (especially if we’re having sex, protected or not). It’s only fair to you and the other person you’re seeing. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask and it would probably be best in person but I think you could tactfully do it over email. Just let him know that it’s been on your mind and you would like to know where you guys stand. Right? What’s the worst that will happen?

I would want to know because I’ve never been a “casual” dater. If it’s someone I might end up having sex with then I want to know, want them to know and both of us agree to a clean std panel. I’m just one of those people who doesn’t take the statistics of high herpes and std’s to mean they’re no big deal.

Yes, I’d want to know. If he is a brilliant, handsome, funny older man, then he will understand and not get all weird about it. In fact, he should be in favor of it, too. He may be wondering the same thing about you. He may be getting his own tests. Is the man married?

I am not sure it is that fraught an issue that you have to deal with it in person. It could be email. Just kind of like it’s not that big a deal, but you’re just taking care of his and your health. You don’t have to volunteer about your other relationship, but then you don’t have to hide it. Has Mr Handsome ever given you any idea he wants exclusivity with you? If he’s married, I’m sure he doesn’t

I encourage you to talk about this with him in any way you can, sooner rather than later. I don’t think it has to be a big deal. You’re both grown-ups, presumably. You’ve been around. You know what’s happening.

@wundayatta: He is not married. I agree that it doesn’t have to be a big deal, and I was thinking I could say as much in the email. But when I was with him every time I thought about bringing it up, it just sounded so heavy, and everything is so beautiful when I’m with him I didn’t want to ruin our time together.

A few things strike me odd…
1) you are dating someone casually and had unprotected sex
2) you are dating multiple people
3) YOU now feel like YOU need to know about what HE is doing?
This seems kind of bass-ackwards to me.
You didn’t show the decency to let him know ahead of time that you are seeing someone else. Do you consider yourself a serial dater?
You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
IMO, You need to have this discussion and don’t do it over email or even phone. If you have to wait it out, wait it out till he gets back. I suppose a very well written email could do it, but to me it doesn’t convey the same conviction.
1) Give him the benefit of a face to face conversation.
2) I hope you are planning on letting guy 1 know about guy 2 and guy 2 know about guy one.
3) Try to think of where you want things to go with either of them in the future.

I have been in the guy side of this situation and it really sucked to hear it, but was glad I did and helped to understand where things really were and put it in clearer perspective.

@mostlyclueless It’s part of honoring another person that you care for. You discuss the things that need to be discussed, instead of letting it fall away under the influence of romance. If I were that man, I would want to know your status as soon as possible. I would not mind an email. If you waited until I got back—I’d be pretty pissed. But that’s just me. Clearly others don’t think it’s that important. Or rather, they place more importance on telling someone to his face than they do on his health. That’s not how I see it.

But that’s why you come to fluther. You get opinions on all sides of an issue. Of course, that can muddy the waters more than clear them a lot of the time.

@mostlyclueless as @wundayatta stated, the health concerns certainly trump the face to face.

If I were sleeping with someone,I would surely want to know if they have other partners.

You can and should ask. Are you willing to be honest with him and tell him about your other bed partner who see’s other people too?? In the end only you can be the judge if the answer he gives is the truth or not and he will face the same dilemma.

Not only should you ask him ASAP if he has another partner, but you need to be fair with him too and inform him that you are seeing someone else as well. This is too serious to address it by e-mail you need to do it in person.