How do you confront a significant other who you think MIGHT be cheating?
Back story: My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and half. Before that we were best friends for 6 years. Our lives are incredibly intertwined. Anyway, last summer I found out he cheated on me. I had the feeling something was up and I straight up asked him and he denied it. Later the girl came forward and told me what was up. I was heartbroken. Beyond heartbroken. We broke up, but again, our lives are intertwined. I finally came to the decision to give it another go (much to the dismay of my friends). It took a long time to even be able to look at him.
Anyway, things got back to normal. A good normal. Comfortable and full of love. Then, about a week ago I got a feeling something was up, but now i’m not sure if something really is or if i’m just projecting. I made a deal with myself that if I was going to try this relationship again I was going to give it a fair shake and not dwell on the past.
Yes I’m aware that this whole story makes me sound like a pussy. Yes, I know that i’m not doing anything to help myself or feminism. But, that’s love, at least for me.
I guess I don’t want to bring it up unless I’m sure. But going about collecting evidence doesn’t seem like something I could do. I’m not the type to snoop in someone’s phone or anything. I don’t know.
Basically, i’m wondering if anyone has been in the same position and has any advice.
Observing members:
0
Composing members:
0
18 Answers
Why don’t you go the the gynecologist for a check up and hand him the bill?
You know you are going to look and you should. No need to live a lie and waste valuable time. Life is too short to live a lie.
@Cruiser I don’t know that I want to look. Denial is a nice place
I’d ask him, although he has a history of lying, it never hurts to ask, and then IF you find out he’s lying, leave his cheating @ss because you deserve to not be cheated on and not lied to, I think it’s something were all entitled to!
Sounds like there are two options here:
(1) He is cheating. I assume if this is true you will break up with him.
(2) He is not cheating, but you no longer trust him. In which case, you might want to break up with him.
I have not been in the same position but a close friend really turned on and dropped me and then later took me back. I felt like a bit of a patsy (and my other friends were sure of it) and now trust him again but always wonder if he will turn on me. So I feel your ambivalence. Why not ask him and see how you feel about his answer?
Life is so short. If this relationship isn’t built on mutual trust & respect, what is it built on?
Say sayonara and find someone that you treats you the way you want and deserve to be treated. Learn from this. Once you say good-bye to an ex, do not welcome them back again.
You can ask him, you have every right to. He violated that trust in the past and shouldn’t be shocked to have to defend himself on it later, thats the price he pays. BUT, after you confront him and ask him…. believe his answer, that is the price you pay for taking him back, you have to trust him again. Don’t go snooping around his back or something looking for proof that may or may not be there.
If some kind of proof does come forward, or he admits that he has been, I would probably dump him.
It’s his job to reassure you of his fidelity and build your trust back (assuming that he is honorable). He’s not doing his job.
Ask him.
Did he ever admit to cheating the last time after the girl came forward? If he never admitted to it then, I doubt he would admit to it now. You can ask him, just be prepared that he might not be truthful again.
@saranwrapper Is there anything in how he’s acting that’s leading you to believe he may be cheating again, or is it just a gut feeling, or what?
@tedd It mostly gut feeling and i might be connecting dots in my head that might not be there. I’ve convinced myself he’s acting similarly to how he was acting before. Not sure if he really is though.
@saranwrapper Well I would just ask him. Confront him and say “hey you’ve been acting a bit weird lately, or at least I think so in my head, and I’m really worried you might be cheating on me again. So I wanted to just ask flat out, if you are.”
He may get a bit upset, understandably so to some degree. But with his past history its not unreasonable for you to be concerned and ask. Like I said earlier though, since you bit the bullet and made the commitment to go back, once you’ve asked and he says no (assuming he does) that’s the end of it and you need to trust him again. Its obviously not easy to do, but its the price you have to pay to take him back. A relationship without trust is 100% doomed to failure. He may be the one who ruined that trust, but if you love him enough to want it to work, you have to have faith in him and trust him again….. at least until you have some kind of solid proof.
Given his past history, he should understand your concerns. But then, whether or not he is cheating, he could get quite defensive about your question.
In general, I believe in trusting these kinds of intuitions. The tend to be right more often than wrong. However, in this case, there is too much at stake. I think you need more evidence. Otherwise you’re sabotaging the relationship yourself. As @nikipedia said, if you don’t trust him, there’s not much point in continuing the relationship anyway.
My suggestion is that you think positive and work in a positive way. Confess to your bf that you are having trust issues. It’s not his problem, but could he help you work them through? Figure out ways to build trust. See how that goes. If he doesn’t make a real effort, that tells you something, doesn’t it?
I agree that you should just ask him. He HAS cheated on you, so you SHOULDN’T have the mentality that he’s perfect and never in a million years would he do that. Just be honest…you love him and you’re worried. If he’s not then he’s not…if he is….then..
I have found in these circumstances that my gut feeling is usually right. I understand the part about you wanting to live in denial if he is, but I’m sure you don’t want to have sex if he is having sex with another woman. I would ask him.
Answer this question 
Composing members:
0
