If you indirectly found out that a friend with whom you have gone through a lot with has feelings for you, would you avoid her/him?
I posed this question in the person’s perspective because I would like to understand.
We used to be so close, our conversations go on and on. We spent one and a half semesters as college freshmen having each other’s back, joining organizations, planning classes together, dissecting our course and sharing our burdens. I knew from the start that I would see him as one of the most valuable friends I have had the privilege to meet.
But it was more than that for me. I do have strong feelings for him, but I was keen on not letting them show. I confided only a few friends about this but I never let him know. See, although I have feelings for him, I am not asking that he feel the same way nor am I expecting a relationship. I was…am very happy of the friendship that we had…that we still have, I pray.
Everything changed so suddenly. One day we were normal, the next we weren’t. Without any explanation or confrontation, he just stopped talking to me like he used to. And this is excruciating for me because I see him everyday. And we are part of a close-knit organization. We work together, we are of the same major, same department, same circle of friends.
Apparently, he found out that I had those feelings for him. I don’t know how, but he did.
I never pegged him as someone who would do that to a friend. And now I am striving for everything to go back to being easy. I am hurting. Not because we aren’t together. Honestly, I can live with that, and I accept the fact that he likes my friend (Yes, and if you would guess, she’s also part of that organization I was talking about earlier). I am all for that. I am hurting because I am losing a dear friend with whom I have confided personal things to, who I trust, who I miss so much, who I love
I need to understand him. I need to fix this. I need your help. Please.
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I don’t think I would, unless I thought their behavior was crossing over a line. It might be a bit awkward, but I think I’d rather talk it out and get past the awkwardness and back to the friendship.
I guess I can understand why a (relatively) young person might respond in that way, though. Maybe he just hasn’t had enough life experience to know how to deal with it. If he’s very important to you, it’s probably going to be on you to initiate the awkward discussion. Get it out in the open so you can move past it. Hard, I know. Maybe a letter? Best of luck to you!
@augustlan I’m not sure how to start it. I’m afraid that if I do, it may get worse. And if it does, I don’t know how to handle that.
How long has it been going on (the avoiding)? If it’s just been a couple of days, you might wait a while and see if things return to normal. If it’s been weeks or months, what have you got to lose?
It has been more than a month. How exactly do I start this conversation? You see, he’s the type of person who’s a bit hard to read.
Honestly, I’d probably write it in a letter (or email, I guess). I’d focus on the loss of his friendship, and ask him if you’ve done something wrong. Unless you know for sure that he’s aware of your feelings for him, I wouldn’t bring them up at first. If you do know, then of course you’ve got to deal with that.
Since I don’t know him personally, it’s hard to say what tone you should take. If your friendship is an easy-going, humorous one you could say something like, “You know, just because I ‘like’ you doesn’t mean you have to avoid me like the plague. I’m a big girl… I’m not gonna’ attack you or anything. I promise. I miss your friendship, dude. Let’s get over this and move on.”
If it’s more cerebral, maybe something like “I really miss your friendship. What can we do to get over this awkwardness?”
The first one is probably going to do fairly well. Casual’s the key with him. Now let me just go look for my courage then I’ll be all set. Thank you. :)
Friends and feelings often don’t mix well as you found out. It’s a shame he is not more secure with his own self to acknowledge your feelings and to allow your friendship to continue.
@Cruiser , yes I am well-aware of that. And that’s the reason why I kept it on the down low. Not being cliche and all, but I couldn’t help it as he gave me reason to feel that way.
You sound very level-headed and rational about your feelings and how to manage yourself in this situation. There is a far broader spectrum of relationships than just buddies and being “in love”; perhaps that needs to be discussed, if it turns out that the reason for distancing is that he suspects you have feelings for him.
@BarnacleBill Thank you, I do believe that I acquired this from experience (but that says nothing about my age. I think you’d be surprised if I tell you how old I am. :D). Going back to the topic, I really am trying not to think negatively of him and assume that that is the reason for the distancing, but it seems like the most probable cause. I am very sure that I have not done anything to jeopardize anything as I take good care of my relationships with people.
I pretty much agree with @augustlan. I think older adults would be less likely to cut off like that. Have you tried to meet up? Asked him to lunch, or hang out with you and some other friends? Probably best to make it a group of people until things get back to normal (hopedully normal). Has he literally stopped responding to your attempts at communicating with him? I would say if you have not tried to make it normal again, just by doing what you used to do, then try that. If he ignores you, you could ask what’s up? Or, you could write a letter as @augustlan suggested.
If he continues to avoid you, avoid the confrontation when you make an attempt to clear the air. If he rather avoid than speak to you directly, I know it is hurtful, but what you should know is people like this are either immature or passive aggressive.
I always say 90% of most people is good, fun, all sorts of positive, but it is the sucky 10% that matters for the long term. Is the 10% that they are liars? That they always show up late for a date? That they leave dirty dishes in the sink? That they always have chipped nailpolish? That they have a bad temper. The 10% is what we have to decide whether we are willing to tolerate or not in reationships.
He is either treating you badly, or there is a miscommunication between the two of you, and he misunderstood something you said or did. If that is the case he might be waiting for you to make a move,
Look, your friendship is already messed up. One important element of friendship is truth and trust. Neither one of you has that for the other now.
You blew it because you shared your “secret” with others. So it is your fault that the friendship is blown. it is up to you to try to fix it.
All you can do now is tell him the truth: that you value him and your friendship with him enormously and that you have missed him and want the friendship back.
What you cannot control is how he feels. He may be relieved to have things out in the open or he may remain uncomfortable.
You won’t know until you try.
If it does not work out, you will have to mourn the loss and move on.
I forgot to mention what @marinelife brings up. This is a lesson about secrets. My mom used to say, if you don’t want anybody to know, don’t tell anybody. Telling means there is always a risk it will get back to the person. It also is a lesson for you about gossip, if you don’t know this already, when someone trusts you with a secret, keep it, tell no one.
@JLeslie , I understand your point. Does this imply the possibility of my lack of proper judgement in entrusting this to one of my friends?
No I don’t. Not yet. But I have my suspicions.
Honestly, I have had male friends and acquaintances that I have come right out and said are attractive, or I have a connection with, flirt with, its kind of obvious to him and everyone around. Are you sure it would be surprising to your friend to hear this information? So surprising that it changes the realtionship? I’m married, so everyone knows nothing is coming of it. If you both knew you were just friends, why would he react this way? When I was younger I had male friends where there was some sexual tension, but if it was not part of the relationship, it was there, but not acted on, but pretty much both of us knew what was going on.
Does he have a girlfriend?
“If you both knew you were just friends, why would he react this way?” That is a very interesting question…all of a sudden, I’m not too sure.
No, he doesn’t.
@illyasviel Say something to him, you have nothing to lose. If he competely rejects you, at least you know for sure its over and you can hate him for being such a fucking asshole with how he handled the break up, and for putting more weight on what some gossippy friend said, than the relationship you guys have had. If it is a misunderstanding it will be the first step towards normalizing the relationship again.
I’ll go do that. I’ll just have to find the right timing. We’re on our summer vacation. I just pray it’s the latter.
Good luck. Let us know what happens.
Is there any chance it has something to do with this girl he likes? Perhaps he has started talking to her and she said something about being uncomfortable with his friendship with you? It’s lame, but that happens a lot with younger male/female friendships (from what I’ve noticed).
It’s possible it could also be related to being on summer break too though. Perhaps he’s just focused on other things.
Good luck when you do talk to him about it. That’s the only way you’ll find out what’s going on.
Oh, I missed that he likes another girl, thatis why I asked if he has a girlfriend. If that girl is partof your circle of friemds, it is likely she knows you like him. She might be manipulating things. Summer break can also disrupt things. GA @Seaofclouds.
@Seaofclouds and @JLeslie yes, she is part of the same group of friends. We’re close, actually. Summer just started, this happened long before I posted this question. It’s been going on since February.
@illyasviel Did this girl know you had feelings for him?
@Seaofclouds She shouldn’t. But since someone I trusted betrayed the confidence I had in them as @marinelife said, I can’t be sure that she doesn’t.
I feel pretty sure she knows.
He might not know. Is that girl competitive with you in general? Or, with other girls?
Ya’ll are making all kinds of mess with all your speculations, and it isn’t helping. The only person who knows is himself. You have to talk to him, and there’s no waiting for the “right time.” There never will be a right time.
Talk to him on the phone and arrange a meeting. If he won’t reply, then you have to go up to him somewhere in public and insist that he talk to you. You have nothing to lose. You don’t have him as a friend now. The only way to get him back is to reopen communications. This is not going to go away if you do nothing.
What is he afraid of? Why does it matter that you have “feelings?” Why has he pulled back? What can be done to fix this?
Just ask. Don’t be defensive at the answers. You just want to know what’s going on, and for that, you have to let him talk. Good luck!
Yeah talk about the subject with the other person.
@wundayatta Even those of us who are speculating are telling her to talk to the guy.
@JLeslie true dat. Didn’t mean to imply otherwise.
@JLeslie yes, and again I thank you for all the help. :)
I missed the part about the other girl. It could be that she’s jealous of his relationship with you, and asked him to distance himself from you.
@BarnacleBill I’ve considered that. All of a sudden friendships seem to be more and more fragile.
Perhaps they are more compartmentalized than one would think. The people you are friends with in college will move on after graduation. They will take jobs in other parts of the country, return home, get married, have children. You will stay friends, but will lose touch with most of them, for no reason other than distance and other daily interests take their place. Relationships will require attention.
If he is interested in someone, then his attention has moved away from his friends to this person. Have you considered befriending the person he’s interested in?
He drew a circle that shut me out —
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in.
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