A few years back, during a very heavy rainstorm, we heard an odd gurgling sound coming from our bathroom. I went to investigate and saw that the toilet bowl was gushing sewer sludge out onto the floor. The brown tide had already reached the threshold of the bathroom and was spreading out quickly toward the two adjacent bedrooms and the living room. This was the closest thing to panic that I had ever experienced.
My thoughts raced. What to do first – try to contain the spreading shit or stop the flow? We mobilized the kids and emptied a nearby linen closet to build improvised containment booms (the bedrooms and living room were already breached by this point). Meanwhile, my brain was feverishly trying to understand where this endless flood of crap was coming from. I tried jamming a plunger into the toilet to hold it back, but that just sent it up into the tank instead, and it soon came gushing out from under the tank lid.
I ran to the phone and tried to call an emergency plumber. I remember trying to gather my composure enough to explain that we had shit gushing into the house as I was speaking, and we’d really appreciate it if they’d come out right now. I was standing, in my socks, in 2 inches of sewage as I hung up the phone.
I was in some kind of shock, and I had to fight off the paralysis that was trying to set in. I announced to my wife (vainly sopping up crap with our towels and bed clothes) that I was going to Home Depot to rent a wet vac.
I got quick service as I stood there in my sewage-soaked clothes, and I was back and sucking up shit within about 30 minutes. But the wet vac had some kind of problem and would only work for about 20 seconds at a time.
Mercifully, the flow was beginning to slow, and had stopped completely by the time the plumbers showed up, about an hour after we made the call.
Looking back, if I had been able to calmly assess the situation I might have been able to realize that our sewer line was blocked out where it connected to the main, that our rain gutters were funneling all the water from our roof into the clogged sewer line, and so it was all getting pushed up through the toilet. I could have simply gone out and punched a relief hole in one of the downspouts and the sewage would have spilled out into the yard instead of the house. But while all hell was breaking loose, there was no way I could have marshaled the cognitive resources to figure that out. I was reduced to a stammering, ineffectual idiot.