I'm really worried about one of my friends, what should I do?

This happened to me at your age @laineybug. I had a few friends that strayed way off path and wouldn’t listen to anyone.

I’m sorry to say, I don’t think there is anything you can do. If you’ve already spoken to him and he’s not listening there really isn’t anything more you can do. He is his own person. If you think these kids are serious trouble, and you know his parents, you could try speaking to them…but then he may not be your friend any more.

I had a friend get pregnant at your age, and another began drinking heavily. She is a great mom…he is still getting over his alcoholism. I’m in my 30’s

There’s not much you can do for your friend right now. At your age, people experiment A LOT. Most people your age tend to hold their social life above their morals. You just keep being you, @laineybug, and be there for your friend no matter how much they stray away. This person will either choose to go down the same path or realize what is right for himself. If you nag him about it, it might just turn him away from the good. Times like these are hard and your friend will realize sooner or later that the crowd he is choosing is a negative influence. Best wishes to you and I hope things get better!

But if you EVER witness this boy doing something potentially harmful (drugs, alcohol, dangerous behavior) then you should contact a higher authority. Real friends will do what’s best for the other.

@KatetheGreat thanks for the hope. I really hope he makes a good choice because I think of him as little brother sometimes even though he’s older than me. He’s trying to get us to meet his new “friends” and we’re all either worried or freaked out. He knows where most of us live and apparently can get to some of our houses quite easily, so I’m also kind of afraid for the rest of us too. He’s not the best person, but he usually makes good decisions…

Yup, the other ladies are right. Some people need to be exposed to the “wrong” kind of people in order to realize that they are “wrong” for them.

Lots of teens go through something similar – it’s a time when a lot of people are searching for their identities and trying out different lifestyles to see what fits. Your friend might be feeling like this, and that’s leading him to hang out with the “bad” kids.

I’d suggest that you and your friends try to talk to him, and if he doesn’t seem to want to listen, talk to him anyway. I don’t mean to the point of an intervention or any TLC channel stuff like that – just keep inviting him to spend time with you and your friends. Do some fun things, like movies or bowling, or, now that the weather’s getting better, play frisbee or something at the park. Hanging out with you and your friends, having fun doing regular old stuff with you guys, might lead him to realize who his real friends are.

I know it’s tough – I’ve seen things like this happen before. Some people make bad choices and stick with ‘em. It’s sad, but sometimes they just have to learn their lessons the hard way. I hope this doesn’t happen with your friend.

I have been in the position of your friend. I was the guy that started hanging out with the bad kids. If anyone had given me shit I would have told them to fuck off, I was 16 and knew everything. Fuck you, I have cool friends now.

I’m 33 now and I am kinda ok.

@laineybug Whatever you do, do not meet his friends unless you know they are completely safe. When I was your age, I took the same route as your friend did, and I ended up in a lot of trouble. I ended up doing drugs and drinking at a very young age. Depending on his maturity, he’ll find out what’s right sooner or later.

And don’t be afraid of him or any of his friends. People his age randomly act on things :)

@KatetheGreat Every time he asks if we want to meet them all of us stay quiet. We don’t want to meet them because of things he told us about them. He thinks these people are absolutely fine for him and all of us to hang out with, but none of the rest of us thinks so.

Next time he asks you if and when you want to meet his new friends, let him know that you would feel very un-comfortable he brought them around and tell him why. It’s because your friend told you that they were likely doing drugs and/or drinking. Tell your friend that you and the rest of your friends want to live a sober life and don’t want to risk your future by getting bombed or getting in trouble with the law. Let him know that there are a million other things that he could be doing that will move him forward in life, rather than just being a quick high. Ask him if he’s bored? Then give him some real life suggestions on what he could do (with or without you and your current friends) that would be interesting, fun and exciting. If he blows you off, there’s not much you can do, but tell him that you care about him and you just can’t go down that road with him.

You might ask him what appeal he sees in hanging around with people who would rather get stoned and drunk rather than living their lives and moving forward. Whatever answer he gives you, let him know that you don’t want to get involved with people that are doing drugs and drinking.

You should definitely let your mom know about this situation. Maybe you and she, or just she can talk to your friend’s mother. But know in advance, that your friend is likely to get really pissed off and angry and will most likely drop you as a friend if you do this. But you might be doing this kid a favor. Do you think his parents already know what is going on, or do you think that they are oblivious? Many parents have no idea what their kids are up to.

It might also be a good idea (with your mom’s blessing) to talk to your school counselor and let the counselor know up front that you are not there to fink on anybody or rat anybody out and you won’t be naming any names, but there is a drinking and drug problem with some of the students at your school and some of the parents appear to be un-aware of it. They’ll probably tell you there’s nothing they can do about it unless you name names. Don’t buy into that argument. Suggest to the counselor that they need to do something that involves alerting all of the parents and that you are just giving the counselor a heads up, but you won’t accept responsibility for the problem (by naming names).

@Kardamom I don’t think his parents know about this, and thanks for your suggestions. I’m going to talk to him a little bit more about the situation and use your suggestions.

There are some people in life who need that negative influence to become better people later on. Myself, I chose that path when I was very young. Though I had enough mind to stay away from drugs (until college) I still hung out with some very shady characters. I got into lots of trouble and it wasn’t until I had almost lost all connection with those I deeply cared for that I recognized what I was doing. It was only after that time that I was willing to accept counseling and the strong support of my friends and family. And, it was a lesson I’ll never forget. Btw, those folks I hung out with are now either in great condition having realized their mistakes, or in over their heads in those old habits, or, they’re winding up as parents with issues to children with their own issues. I wound up ok, but that’s because I had concerned friends and family such as yourself along the way. I strongly recommend you don’t change that position.

Recently an acquaintance of mine (I didn’t really ever consider him a friend, especially since he was a rather messed-up 10 year old when I met him at my crisis year of 14) started doing methamphetamine. He’s now so far gone that he’s barely cognizant much of the time, and out to lunch the others. I know for a fact, now that I’ve known others who knew him growing up, that he didn’t have many friends or much of a home or family to lean on in his many times of trouble. It seems through this example, and several others I know, that the major difference in these situations is basically having people who continually lend their support and love.

Another example happened to a recent girlfriend of mine whose best friend started drinking heavily, smoking pot and bringing her boyfriend home unannounced in the wee hours of the night. My friend not only had to move out of the house, but also sever connections with her friend as a tough love situation. I told her then that she shouldn’t cut off her best friend over a few bad habits, since those sorts of things may not be forgiven lightly. Now their relationship is shaky at best, and her friend is delving deeper into debt and alcoholism.

So… I think what’s best is for you to continue being your friend’s friend. Allow their information to come to you without bias or argument. It’ll be difficult for you who cares for this person to keep a neutral stance, but sometimes the best way to handle a tricky situation is to just let your friend rely on their own conscience and make those hard decisions. If you try to influence their decisions, they will resent it. If you try to stop them by force, the end result will likely be one that you don’t want. Let them learn a few lessons and be there for them when the chips are down.

Best wishes.

Hmm, Pretty much he thinks he knows what he’s doing. You’ve tried already, and nagging him won’t help at all. Let him do what he led himself into. Even though his choices are bad, and you think ill of them, what if he thinks that they’re right, and won’t ever choose to go back again? What now? Isn’t he still your friend? You can have friends from different kinds of groups. It’s also your choice if you want to sever a friendship because you think that they’ve strayed off.

That’s what I chose to believe anyways. I let my friends choose what they want, and have seen many different people stray towards different paths. If they choose to keep contact with me, then I have no problem still hanging out with them. They know what my beliefs are, and what kind of person I am. I’ve been in similar situations.I wouldn’t want to meet his new “friends” either. I also found that if I were the nagging type, then eventually the friend who seems to be straying off would probably stop talking about the things that I find “wrong” and hide it, or be uncomfortable around me thinking that I would be judgmental of them.

Anyways, best of luck! Make sure he knows what he’s getting himself into, and isn’t the type to regret.