Do you tailor your condolences to the beliefs of the person you're giving them to?

Sometimes, I do. If I think I can give a bit more comfort that way, I try to remember how the person feels. If I’m not sure, I tell them that they are in my thoughts, and that I hope the loved one has “found peace.” I’ve never known that to offend. I had to do this last Tuesday, my friend’s husband had just lost his mother. I know he grew up Catholic, but I have no idea how he feels now. I think the important thing to do is express the sentiment, that is what will be appreciated, probably not so much exactly what was said.

I try to give my condolences in such a way as to match what the survivor believes. When they are of a different belief, I try to remember how they express grief. When they speak a second, non-English, language, I try to give condolences in that language. If memory fails me, or if I just don’t know, I’ll keep it short and kind, such as “I am sincerely sorry for your loss.”

I usually stick to the truth. I am sorry for their loss of their parent/loved one. Death leaves a hole in the fabric of their lives; someone is missing. But the memories of the person, and their influence on their life, lives on in their families and friends.

As an atheist myself my condolences are always very secular in nature no matter who they are being given to. I do hope AstroChuck and his family find the strength they need in each other during this difficult time.

I try to, and if they are atheist or someone who doesn’t believe in God, I just pray for them later in private. I feel like prayer can help people even if they don’t want to be prayed for, so why not make them comfortable and still pray for ‘em?

I have found that there are a few things that all grieving people, regardless of belief, are comforted by. I don’t tailor my responses based on belief but I do ask to hear about the person’s life and tell my friend that their loved one must have been a wonderful person and that I’m glad his/her life was so full and that s/he had so many people who loved him/her.

I am with @Facade as I will pray for them on my own but likely not share that fact with the person. As I speak to the person I remind them that I am there for them. I send a card or make a phone call two or three weeks after the death (when most people have moved on), just to remind the person that I am thinking of them. I offer practical support if I am near (do a load of laundry, take the person to a movie or out for coffee). I do much more listening than talking . . .

I make mine about the person and their loss, not about any belief system. Loss is loss.

Because I’m atheist, I wouldn’t tell someone that they’re in my prayers anyway. So no, I just tell them that they’re in my thoughts or I’m sending love their way or something equivalent.

If I’m unsure of someone’s beliefs, I might say something like “whatever you believe, she’s not hurting anymore”.

As an atheist, if I’m going through a rough time or have lost someone, it doesn’t bother me if a Christian tells me that they’re praying for me or my loved one. Just because I don’t pray, that doesn’t mean that I can’t acknowledge what prayer means to a Christian. It’s just when someone goes on and on about the deceased being with Jesus now, and in heaven, yada yada yada, that I start to roll my eyes.

If a Christian is praying for me, in my mind, that’s the same thing as my saying “you’re in my thoughts”, and I appreciate the kindness, even if I don’t believe what they do.

THE ” “I envy those of you who have religion” ” is what proves that he does want something to rely on.

Sometimes telling someone that he’s on your prayers may help him .. in a weird way though [ he’s on someone else prayers list means others are thinking of him ] He may not like it but it can help.

Though the idea he’ll be reunited with her .. bleah .. salvation is personal and in “heaven” you won’t remember family / friends the way they were here because one will be different there.

People act different to grief .. some cry .. other start smashing things… others start drinking / smoking .... etc etc
Can’t say that we need to approach them different to say our condolences.

And finding strenght in yourself or in others can’t really help .. or it does ? though I remember all of us crumble but whatever.

@aprilsimnel loss may be loss but others respond different to certain given situations.

As the giver, I would tailor my spoken or written sentiments to his belief system.

As a receiver, I just take whatever people say as being well-meant (but I am not a militant atheist).

But if I don’t believe in a god or an afterlife, then it’s disingenuous and a lie to say I’ll pray for them, so I don’t say that. I tell them I’m sorry for their loss and that they have my deepest condolences, which is the truth.

Saying ” I’m sorry for your loss” doesn’t necessary have to mean you’ll pray. Just as you put it.

I will not say “You are in my prayers” or talk about heaven even if I know the person is religious. I will always say “My thoughts are with you” or “I am so sorry for your loss.” To me. that shows my empathy and is consistent with my belief system.

When I am not sure of the beliefs of the survivors, I say “You and your family are in my thoughts”; it’s like an agnostic version of “in my prayers”.

I tailor them to whoever needs them. Since I’ve been both several flavors of Christian and atheist at different times in my life and a lot of other things as well I seem to have a knack for coming up with the right thing to say.

I would never say someone was in my prayers, because I don’t pray.

When my mom died it did not help me for people to talk about god and an after life. It got really annoying after awhile, actually.

@tinyfaery ditto

I try not to say very much. Words are cheap when feelings are deep. A simple “I’m so sorry” will do.

I feel a little bit funny saying, ‘bless you,’ when people sneeze, but I do it out of courtesy.

So I tend to lean towards tailoring to the person. Not in every case of course, I’m ok with letting people know I’m an atheist. With friends and family especially, I respect their beliefs or lack there of. And while I would hope that people would respect my lack of belief in this situation, it’s less about me then about who died. Although, I think I would get upset pretty fast if all people wanted to talk to me about was religion and god. That’s just disrespectful.

What is the polite, condoling, secular thing to say though? I guess it’s just, “Sorry for you loss.”
I agree with @ladymia69 words aren’t as important as simply being there for somebody.

No. I don’t presume to know what the survivors believe, and my condolences have nothing to do with religion because I am not a believer.

When I write a note of condolence, I tailor my comments to the person I know or knew. It’s not usually the case that I knew both the deceased and the survivor(s) equally well. So usually I’m either consoling someone I know over the death of someone I don’t know or vice versa. I make specific mention of memories, appreciated qualities, and other particulars of the deceased if I knew them; otherwise I focus on my friend’s feelings and what I can do to give comfort and support.

If religion is a part of it for them, that’s between them and their deity of choice, and my mention would be both hypocritical and irrelevant.

I simply speak to the grieving person as I normally would. Only difference is we’re talking about someone they (presumedly) loved and/or about how they’re doing.

I’ll ask if they’ve eaten. Can I get them a drink? I’ll mention a fond memory I might have about the deceased (“Your mom made the best cookies”). I might even make a tiny joke if it seems like it’ll help.

I hug, I’ll hold a hand. The point is, I try to make it about human interaction not some canned saying that’s been said a million times and means nothing. Religious or otherwise.

When my dad died, folks said things like “I’m sorry for your loss” and I thought, “Well I hope so. If you were happy about it, I’d be pretty disappointed”.

“You’re in my prayers” and I thought “OK, should I thank you for that? Is that like, putting in a good word for someone?”

Or my favorite, “He’s in a better place” to which I thought, “How the fuck do you know?”

I know these people meant well – which is why all I really said to them was, “Thank you”.

I wanted to hear your stories about my dad. I wanted you to acknowledge that his being dead sucked, but he was a good guy who would have loved the concert you just saw.

Instead, I got mind-numbing lines lifted from Hallmark cards or pseudo-religious remarks that vaguely smelled of condescension.

I don’t mind if you fumble for the words, just try to talk to the person who’s grieving not at them. It shows them more respect as a fellow human in my opinion.

@cprevite

Which is why, when someone dies I knew well, I try to come up with funny lil stories about things they said or did. It seems to help the surviving family begin to start remembering the fun times and the good times, instead of dwelling on their death.

I’m an athiest and because I was brought up as an Anglican there are some terms that seem natural in those sorts of circumstances. I think we (and I mean those of us raised in a particular faith) are almost conditioned to roll out terms connected to that conditioning like “I feel blessed…”, “My prayers are with you..”. I know have found myself automatically going to say such things but I don’t pray for people and I don’t believe we are blessed so I consciously avoid making such statements. I feel like a hypocrite if they slip out. Consequently, even if the other person is a believer, I would avoid using those sorts of phrases because it would be insincere. In the reverse situation, if I were not an athiest, I think I would out of respect for that person to leave my faith out of my comments.

Psst, @Mz_Lizzy, atheist. E, then I. A: “without”; the: “a god”; ist: “adherent of a practice or belief.” I think it behooves us to spell our religion correctly.

You are so right Jeruba and thank you although I personally don’t consider atheism to be a religion. Although apparently a Wisconsin court did rule it as such. However, that is a topic for a whole new thread.

@CaptainHarley: Exactly.

You know, sometimes I tailor my beliefs to the person I am condoling.

I temper my condolences, whether given or received, with patience, empathy, and magnanimity.