What would you do in the first 8 hours after you found an email from your spouse to an internet lover?

I would flip the f*ck out. It wouldn’t be pretty.

I would fight. I would throw the biggest fit ever.

I would start with changing the locks and then throwing their clothes on the lawn.

I think I would start crying and hyperventilating. I would pace the length of my apartment a couple hundred times. I would call my mom and be incomprehensible on the phone. Then, I would get angry. I would wait for him to come over or come home, if we were living together and wait for him to sit down so I could be between him and the door then I would confront him. I would still be somewhat incomprehensible because when I am upset, even if I am not crying, my breathing goes all funny and my lungs and chest muscles seem to have spasms. I would hand him the e-mail and ask him to read it. I might start crying again.

Contact a divorce attorney.

At first I was a bit confused. I had to read over his ICQ posts a few times and each time I got crosser and crosser until I was just fucking enraged and then I phoned him at work and screamed at him to get his arse home right now. He did. We are now divorced.

This wasn’t an internet lover, but I found out my (then) boyfriend had more or less cheated and lied about it a few months earlier. And I found out because of emails to her.

I waited until he got off work. I picked him up, told him what I’d read, and dropped him off at his house. Then I left.

Prepare a Divorce Complaint, file it with the court (I’m a paralegal), and have them served with it that day via private process server. While it’s in process at the courthouse and the agent is getting ready to serve it, pack up all their stuff and put it out of the house, open a bank account in my name alone and put any money in the joint accounts that belongs to me into it, have my name removed from any joint credit accounts and open new accounts in my name only, change the locks on the house, and change my phone number.

I would probably vomit from the sick feeling of it all. When I get severely distressed my stomach will always feel sick. This would probably send me over the edge. Pure rage would probably be the next step along with sobbing.
Then I will wait. I’ll talk to a lawyer, and then arrange for a moving company to pick up all the things I plan to keep while he is at work.
The dog will definetly come with me.
Go live with my daughter and even though she will see all the tears, I will tell her not to say anything to her dad about how I am doing. I will act all cool. I would not give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he hurt me. I want him to believe I saw it coming and was more than happy to dump him. I want him so pissed that all he does is talk about it to the girlfriend. And she gets pissed that it bothers him so much. And then I’ll start to date and make sure he gets word. Hell, I’ll have a family member send him pictures of me and the new guy. (of course after the divorce) And I will look totally happy even if I’m not, just so it will sink in that he meant so little to me and I was able to recover quickly.
I want would want him to know how it feels to be replaced so easily. His ego would eat away at him and at his new slut.
It certainly worked with boyfriends in the past who dumped me. I haven’t met anyone who didn’t care to be replaced.

Confront my spouse. Flip the fark out. Make a list of what’s truly good and important about my spouse versus the crap about them- I’d give them the list and ask them what wanted to do with themselves. At that point I’d consider getting rid of my spouse. Life is too short to live on the poop end of someone’s stick.

First I’d be all “aww, man!”

Then I’d think of ways to hurt her, because I’m a vindictive prick.

Lastly, I’d hire the meanest divorce attorney I could find.

Twenty years and one wife ago, I might’ve behaved like my buddy ^ and others here, i.e., vindictively. I would’ve been so hurt as to be blinded by rage – perhaps literally as well as figuratively.

What life has taught me is that a relationship is not 50% resposibility for each one, but rather 100% – each being 100% responsible for both themselves and the relationship.

If communication, and I stress that it’s about that, had broken down to the point where one has turned outside the relationship – I would sit them down for a long talk and see whether there is a chance to work on it at all. Of course it would be hard to fully trust them, initially, but then who goes wide-eyed and innocently trusting into any relationship anyway? I do not.

One day I hope to have a relationship that is based on communication and trust – and should there be a need for my partner to go outside the relationship – for whatever reason, be it love, attention, sex or communication – I would hope they would first alert me to the problem before actually doing it. It might save us both, and others, a lot of needless pain. For a relationship can also be dissolved first – without destruction, pain and the “taking of prisoners” with it.

I hope I have the foresight and insight to be with someone who sees this: I wouldn’t want to be with someone who could think adultery is even a possibility. That she would be sickened by the very thought of it, as am I.

I’m very surprised by the responses. This is an internet lover right, not real life? Divorce? I’m surprised by the responses because it’s completely different from the type of response I see here. I’ve noticed when someone comes to Fluther asking for advice because they are suspicious of their partner carrying on with someone of the opposite sex on the internet, the normal response is “how dare you snoop at your partner’s email” or “there’s nothing wrong with having internet friends of the opposite sex”.

just an observation

What would I do? Cry.

Perhaps it wasn’t limited to an internet fling though @jonsblond? In my case it wasn’t. The chat transcript provided evidence that it had moved beyond a chat. I also didn’t just say, that’s it, you’re out of here. After a few weeks of talking and trying to work out where we were, it just wasn’t ever going to be worked out.

I partially agree with what @seazen_ said though. In many cases for a person to behave that way, something has to be wrong in the relationship. However, sometimes people are just asshats. My ex turned out to be quite the asshat. Not just to me but to those who followed me. I think the net makes it easier for those who are of that ilk to stray. Still, the impetus has to be there and it could be that there are problems in the primary relationship but the ease of finding an alternative (even if it is only meant as a bit of a sideline) means people perhaps don’t then put the effort into resolving the problems in their relationship. They can find solace elsewhere and use that as a diversion to things they should be confronting.

@jonsblond I’ve seen some of that “how dare you snoop” stuff, but I think I’ve seen more “dump him/her now.” Matter of perception, of course, but I think you’ve made a very interesting observation.

I’ve heard of people who see the infidelity in flagrante dilecto in their own bed, and they’ve turned around and walked out again without even anouncing their presence. I’ve seen it in the movies as well. I think a lot of people are so stunned, they have no idea how to handle it.

Also, I think people have a harder time giving up a relationship they’ve got a lot invested in, even in the face of this kind of infidelity. Whether it is internet or real may or may not make a difference. It seems like a lot of people believe internet infidelity is just as bad as real infidelity. And yet, on the one hand, all you’ve got is a series of letters. On the other, you’re faced with your spouse physically locked together with some other person.

They say that for women, it’s the emotional infidelity that is worse. For men, it’s the physical thing, in general. Obviously with generalizations, there is quite a lot of variation in experience.

Given that, I would expect women to take internet infidelity—if it is emotional and not just sexual—just as seriously as a real infidelity. For men, I would expect that internet infidelity isn’t as bad as real life sexual infidelity.

But for all people, I’m not sure how representative our sample is here. I know there are people who take a less confrontational approach. I just don’t know how many there are.

@Mz_Lizzy I responded the way I did because I’ve found such an email, then I asked for help on the internet. Those were the types of responses I received until everyone found out it was the real deal, then they were helpful. The woman lived in a different country, so the relationship wasn’t physical. But seeing the words “I love you” not meant for me hurt terribly. My husband wanted attention I wasn’t giving him. I admit to being responsible for my part. When a relationship gets to that point, it usually isn’t just the fault of one person. We both had issues we needed to deal with. Luckily we were able to work things out and we are honestly happier than we have ever been. The experience taught us how to communicate better with each other.

As with anything, I think all individual circumstances are different. There isn’t a set response we should have. I think @wundayatta makes a great point about online cheating being potentially just as painful as someone physically having an affair for some people. It is an emotional affair.

I am glad you could work things out with your partner. I am not sorry I couldn’t though because of the things that took place following that revelation with his ICQ. The weeks that followed showed me we were meant to move on. I would never advocate that anyone finding their partner was cheating online should go and get a divorce though. In some cases people can work it out and in others divorce is exactly the right thing to do.

The first eight hours?

Not sure, but I’d be spending seven of them in jail.

I would gather up as much information as possible, print everything, make copies, etc. If I was otherwise happy in my marriage and wanted to try to keep it, I would confront my spouse without the documentation, and see what lie he tells, I would expect him to lie. If he actually told the truth, said he wants to repair things, I would actually have some hope that it can be worked through. If he lies, it’s up for grabs. If he lied, I would wait a few more days at least to present the evidence, I might never present the evidence. I would hope time would cause him to think things through and maybe approach me. I would also continue to snoop for those days.

I probably would make it harder for him to be online, giving him less time alone on his computer, see what a fucking asshole he becomes when I pull on his time and attention.

If I felt really sure this was nothing but a computer thing, I would contiue to push to find out what is missing between us, why we might be having trouble in our relationship. Try to solve it without revealing what I know.

If it were only an internet relationship as far as I could tell, I would still wonder who else he’s communicating with or meeting with. I would definitely print what I read, so if I needed it for any reason I would have a printed copy. I would definitely confront the husband and it would probably include a lot of tears and yelling.

I think it’s hard to say what one would really do unless you were in that relationship or in that position. People sometimes stay together for the sake of the kids, still with bitterness, still with resentment, still living their separate lives, but going through the motions till the kids get ouf of school.

@jonsblond has an excellent point. I have seen time and time again on Fluther responses saying it’s wrong and indicates lack of trust to snoop into someone else’s email. Lack of trust or not, when the “cheating” emails are discovered, they indicate why there was a suspicion in the first place.

I believe that spying into your spouses or partners email is wrong, EXCEPT when there is probable cause to do so. This is like obtaining a warrant for someones arrest. A judge or magistrate listens to your probable cause and decides wheter or not a warrant should be issued. Same should apply to a spouses or partners relationship. There should be probable cause, for one person to invade another persons emails.

Once proabale cause(evidence) has been validated, then proceed to checking their email.

I would be very cautious when making this move. Make absolutely sure you have a reason to invade your partners privacy. Witch hunts do not count.

@jonsblond I think @john65pennington said it well. If you are suspicious because there seems to be some hanky panky than why not. Same if you think your kids are doing drugs or something illegal that can harm you or your family. Our first instinct is always to protect ourselves from harm. Than destroy whatever its coming from. :D
A person always has the choice of not being spied upon by not doing anything stupid. That is a valid choice.
I don’t spy on my husband but he doesn’t give me anything to be suspicious of.

When people become suspicious enough to look through a celly or emails then in my observations and personal experiences, yeah, something hanky panky has been going on. It sucks to know that our instincts are usually right and that what we’ll discover is probably just the tip of an iceberg and whatever confessions or truths be told us are most likely the least hurtful the other person can make them.

I don’t have to feel like I invaded my husband’s privacy if I see his emails and I like it like that. I accidently see his emails all of the time, because on this crazy ipod both of our emails come up if I click on the wrong thing, which happens all the time, or if he just leaves his open the last time he uses it. Why would my husband have to hide who he communicates with?

I guess sure he might have an email address I don’t know about or an IM account? If he gets that sneaky I guess I would have to be sneaky to find it. I’m sure I would not go looking for something like that unless he was being evasive and withdrawn from the relationship. Then all bets are off, everything gets looked through to save my sanity. The argument that I would have no right to go through his things is ridiculous to me

This question seems to assume that having a spouse and an internet lover at the same time is automatically an illicit thing. If I found emails from or to an Internet lover, I’d probably ask my spouse to introduce me to his interlocutor, and ask him why he hadn’t done so already. However, in real life he probably would have done so already, because we had the discussion that covers such situations early on in our relationship. To wit – I don’t understand jealousy and I won’t put up with it from people who love me. The way I’ve always seen it, loving many people is a natural thing, and it only becomes bothersome if somebody lies about it.

@wildpotato That’s really interesting. Did you ever have an issue with jealousy? How do you account for it’s absence in your personality now?

@wundayatta Yes, i have had an issue with jealousy. I was hasty in saying, above, that I don’t understand jealousy – apologies. I do understand it, a little – from personal experience and from reading Proust. Both of which actually lead me to the thought that jealousy has to do not with love so much as with obsession.

My personal experience is twofold. The jealousy bit regarded a man I love very much. I was also obsessed with this particular guy – and when he chose to share himself with others over me, it did make me very jealous. I oppose this experience to coming back to college from one winter break, to have my boyfriend and best friend tell me they slept together. I remember sitting there and letting it sink in for a few minutes while my poor friends sat there nervously. It didn’t feel like anything. What eventually swam up to the surface was just concern that my boyfriend and best friend were worried I was angry. I figured that if anything, I was just happy they’d had a good drunken talk and night of fun. And that’s still how I feel about it.

As for Proust – he writes about what he calls love, but all his descriptions of Swann’s pining for Odette (and the narrator’s feeling for Gilberte and then Albertine) remind me more of my anxious, self-indulgent fantasizing and pining for my friend which I would describe as obsession, than the ever-delightful and luxurious feeling of adoring and being adored by my boyfriend, which I would describe as love. Proust’s ‘love’ – as he himself describes it – is a sickness, a drug, an arc from yearning to joy to rage to despair and then finally to boredom and indifference – and it is all underlied with, and perhaps given motive force by, jealousy and possessiveness.

I suppose that an account for the absence of jealousy in my life now – insofar as I believe it is absent, and not just dormant – rests upon my disdain for obsession itself, and my struggle to not indulge in it. But possibly it rests more so on my luck/circumstances of psychological development in not having had this condition creep up on me more than once.

Got angry. Cried a bit. Told the person if they weren’t ready for an exclusive relationship then they had no business asking me for it in the first place. Told them to fuck off repeatedly. Told them they not only made a fool of me for stepping up, they cost me the chance to be with other people who had also been interested and probably would have shown much better character. I told them if they didn’t want what they flapped their lips about then to let me go, I deserved much better than they served up. It was a rough time.

@wildpotato I’m trying to wrap my mind around your notion of obsession. I don’t quite think that’s what makes me jealous. I think I have a notion that this woman is mine and that if she isn’t mine, then she could easily just walk away and my world would turn upside down.

I think that if I had an affair with a married woman, the husband wouldn’t bother me so much because I would be second. He would be the one who didn’t know. I would still not want her to have sex with him, even if she had to in order to pull off the deception. But I would accept it. I wouldn’t want it to be something she enjoyed, though. I would want to be the only one who pleased her; the only one she wanted to be with. Which, of course, should be threatening to her husband.

Would that be an obsession? Wanting to be the first in her affections? Wanting her to be unable to think of anyone else or enjoy anyone else? And if it is an obsession, what is unhealthy about it? Is it that it causes strife?