When is he going to propose?

You shouldn’t begin your marriage by focusing so much on rules and engagement rings or it will fail. Trust me. Why don’t you instead try the revolutionary new concept of talking to your love about your future and your anxieties.

I didn’t really need any smart ass responses, Simone. I don’t want to tell him to propose because I want to know that he’s doing it because HE wants to, not because I keep nagging him about it…

Based on the question you asked last week about whether you should get back together with your on-again, off-again boyfriend (who I assume you’re talking about in this question) or start a new relationship with another guy, I’m going to take a wild guess.

I think your boyfriend is probably reluctant to propose because your relationship is less than stable, and because a week ago you were considering dating someone else with whom you “hit it off and ended up kissing and had a great time!”

Sorry, I know it’s not what you want to hear, but that’s my opinion.

How do we know what he is thinking? Maybe he has cancer and hasn’t told you yet.

I am assuming you are kind of young, maybe in your 20’s? I know people never think about this when they are young and in love, but you really need to look at the family, the parents and know these people will be in your life as long as you are married to their son. Is the mom someone you can put up with for 40 more years? I’m sure you are thinking it is no big deal, but trust me, it is. She will be pulling strings in your life that you never dreamed of. But to get back to your question, you will have to just ask him if this relationship is heading for marriage because you need to know.

@MtnCalling33 Yeah? What responses do you need, then? Would you like me to tell you he’s going to propose tomorrow or never? What could we possibly know about you and your fiancee. Maybe he’s tired of you nagging, maybe he’s cheating on you. Maybe you don’t really love him and just care about ‘getting the marriage thing’ started so you don’t feel like your friends are better than you? I wasn’t trying to be a smartass (though I am a smart ass, sometimes), I was trying to nicely tell you that you priorities are way off, in my opinion. But, gladly, if you’d like to sit there and wait until someone validates your already made up decision to have this guy either marry you immediately or you’ll kill him, by all means. Be my guest, someone will come along and read Cosmo with you.

If his mother is dictating whether or not her adult son can take a fiance to a family reunion, this dude is never going to marry you.

You could fake a pregnancy and see if that lights a fire under him.

Or you could just talk to him about it.

Seelix, yes, we’ve talked a lot about marriage and our future and yes it is the same guy. The main issue and cause for our break was because I didn’t think he wanted marriage, then he said that he does/did and doesn’t want to lose me. I decided on not giving up on this guy, who I do love. You have a point that maybe he is hesitant, but the reason we took that (almost) break up was directly related to the marriage issue.

Chyna has a good point about the family…and he is really upset about her too. It’s not his fault that he has a crazy mom. I think we can get past that issue…but sure, I don’t know what sorts of BS she may cause.

Bill, love your answer, LOL Well, his dad bought his plane ticket and it’s his dad’s part of the family and he doesn’t want to upset his dad based on his mom being a nut job.

Simone, I’m not going to argue with you. Sorry you are bored enough to lash out at me, a complete stranger. If it makes you feel better, please continue, I really don’t care.

@MtnCalling33 Hey, you’re a newbie here. Calm your shit. @Simone_De_Beauvoir was being sincere, not a smartass.

Let’s see—he’s the father of two children, and his parents are controlling his life. His dad buys his plane ticket, so you can’t go. His mother plays prima donna, so you can’t go. Is this guy like 23 years old, and knocked up two girls in high school? How did he come to have children of his own in the first place?

Man. You want to marry a man. Not a boy.

@MtnCalling33 We don’t know you, we really don’t know him, how on Earth could we possibly have more insight into his mind than you, his significant other, do?

But to sincerely answer your question, some men can’t really take a hint. It’s just best to let your relationship grow while you wait. Have you even asked him this question? Sometimes it’s best to be frank.

@MtnCalling33 I think @BarnacleBill makes a very good point and it is something you should seriously consider. Apart from that, the only way you can really know what is going on his head is to ask him. He may have a plan for when he wants to ask or he may be unsure. You need to talk to him, let him know how important this is to you and then make a decision about whether you want to keep waiting or to move on.

@Boobs, Is this not an advice/question site? Just had a question, looking for some advice. If you don’t have any, that’s cool. To the others offering advice, Thanks :) I’m just trying to figure this thing stuff out. Relationships are hard and confusing!!

@MtnCalling33 It is, but sometimes advice doesn’t come in the expected form, and we’re allowed to converse and try to ascertain more info so as to give the best advice we can.

Kate, yes I have told him word for word that I’m ready for marriage and if he doesn’t want the same things, then we should both move on. after a week or so he said he does want the same and even to have a kid with me and was just scared but doesn’t want to lose me, etc.. But…actions speak louder than words, right…

Yes they do. Draw a line in the sand and stick to it. Set a date for how long you will wait and then move on if marriage is so important to you.

Scared? Doesn’t want to lose you? Do you really want to ultimatum the guy into marriage? It’s over. Move on.

I wish there was a study about the success rate of shotgun marriages. That’s any kind of marriage that is the result of an ultimatum.

@MtnCalling33 Not to burst your bubble, but those words he said make him sounds like he is playing you for a fool. I’d suggest you move on.

Wundayatta, that’s exactly what I don’t want to happen. I want him to WANT it, not just say it in order to ‘keep’ me.
Mz Lizzy, I actually had that thought too.
Kate, yes….I wonder that myself… :(

@MtnCalling33 I’ve had experience with that type of relationship and it turned out he was cheating on me.

@wundayatta Really? I thought it was a marriage in which the father or bride forced the groom with a shotgun to wed the bride since the groom knocked the bride up

@MyNewtBoobs You are correct. I was just explaining how I was using the term—in a more general way.

@MtnCalling33 You wrote, ” I have told him word for word that I’m ready for marriage and if he doesn’t want the same things, then we should both move on. after a week or so he said he does want the same and even to have a kid with me and was just scared but doesn’t want to lose me, etc.”

How is that not an ultimatum? You told him to shit or get off the pot. Marry you or move on. He said he is scared and doesn’t want to lose you. I think that means he will say anything to make you stay, but it does not mean he really wants to marry you.

It’s too late for him to choose you on his own. You have already applied the screws. I don’t understand why you would want this guy around, unless you like someone you can bend to your will. Move on. This is not the guy for you. Even if he does marry you and give you a couple of kids, he’ll not stay the course. Probably be gone by the time the oldest is 7 or 8. Just a guess.

If you want him to want it, you’re going to have to wait until he does. You can’t make someone want to marry you.

It really sounds to me like he wants to be with you but isn’t ready to marry you. If he marries you just because you want him to, it won’t work.

Mz_Lizzy had a good idea. The only thing I would add is do not tell him. Set the date in your own head so you are not issuing an ultimatum to him (forcing his hand, so to speak); however, you will also not be living in limbo torturing yourself. It can give you a chance to relax a little knowing that if he does not propose by the date you set in your head you will move on. If he does not propose by that date, I highly suggest you move on unless you are at that point in time happy in the relationship without marriage.

I was just about to come and post that she shouldn’t tell him the date @optimisticpessimist. I agree wholeheartedly with you.

I should also say @MtnCalling33 my husband took his time proposing. We had talked about marriage, he said he wanted to get married but he didn’t ask. We had been on romantic holidays and I was really wondering if he ever would ask and then he came home out of the blue and asked. So in setting that date, give him time to make that decision and let the subject drop. Don’t mention it. See what happens.

I agree with all the ultimatium responses. But I did some thinking and figured out what I am looking for/want. And it’s not just to have a boyfriend, but that’s why I don’t want to keep bringing it up. Also, when he and his parents had the chat about the reunion trip; After his mom freaked out or whatever, he told them that he wanted me to go because I may be apart of the family soon. ha. and I guess that probably really worried the mom.

Lizzy and Optimistic, so I was thinking until the 1st of June… The reunion that I was going to is in June, so that was originally the timeframe (because of us wanting to go as engaged).

@MtnCalling33 Choose whatever date you are comfortable with. I stress comfortable because if he does not propose you really do need to either move on or accept the relationship as it is.

@MtnCalling33 My point is, if you’re looking to us for this answer instead of communicating with the person you are in a serious relationship with and are hoping to spend the rest of your life with on this issue, then maybe he hasn’t proposed because he doesn’t think you’re ready for marriage.

I’m looking for advice, suggestions, another view point from an outsider, NOT an answer ;)

Again, we communicate a lot…just don’t know what corner to turn next…

Maybe he is worried I’m not ready…I know marriage is a big decision..

Just wondering, @MtnCalling33 , why is it incumbent on him to propose to you? Not being a smartass, here, honestly curious. If you ask, how is that nagging? You know what you want, you have a time frame. I get that you love him, but there are so many factors at play, here, one of the biggest being his relationship with his family, that you need to figure out exactly what marriage to this man would entail. If you start out a (potential) life together leaving some of the most important proactive stuff solely in his hands, and he’s not stepping up, what does that bode for the future?
There’s nothing wrong with you wanting something concrete, but you need to step up yourself and try to make it happen.

I’ve been wondering the same thing, @JilltheTooth. Nowadays, it’s like the fifties. Women don’t mind being called girls. They no longer see it as demeaning. They seem to relish a subordinate role. Not like when I was growing up and women were fighting for equality.

Girls these days seem to voluntarily give up control of their lives because it is romantic. They can languish away waiting for their man to do something. It’s not just this OP. I see it over and over again here.

Is it fear to be assertive? Is it the myth of romance? Someone help me here.

OP: why not make the proposal yourself? Or is he a traditional man who would be emasculated if you ask?

@wundayatta You surprise me with that last comment of yours. Bravo.

He is pretty traditional. To tell you the truth, I hadn’t even thought about me doing the asking…not sure I like that idea. I mean he already said he wants to marry me…just hasn’t purchased the ring yet, ya know?

I’m the first one to stand behind equality and all that. I have always gone out of my way to do things just as well or better than any man. I shoot guns, used to play every sport there is and could hold my own with the boys. I went through basic training, served my country in a male demonated field (also work in architecture as well as what I did with the military). I have a good paying job and am the supervisor over 5 men.

So, not sure I would consider myself a subordinate because I don’t feel like I would want to propose. I also would want to take time if when I get pregnant and after to take care of the kiddo until he goes to school. Does that make me inferior too?

Additional question:
Does wanting a traditional proposal/roles make you an old-fashioned subordinate female?

Wait, don’t wait, it’s up to you. Your wording in the Q sounded like you felt a bit helpless in the process and alternatives were offered. As for being a stay at home mom, that’s an entirely different issue, having to do (again, as was mentioned often) with the choices you make, related to what you think is appropriate for your family. @wundayatta‘s point was valid, as you presented yourself that way in the Q.

And, BTW nobody used the word “inferior”. That’s your own interpretation. Interesting and telling.

@MtnCalling33 Ask that in a different question, not in this thread

‘subordinate’ means the same as ‘inferior’, just was looking for another word to use, lol