Can someone give me advice about love?

Is he aware of the situation? If so, have you tried all the usual means of reconnecting? Like taking a short trip, having a regular date night, or even counseling. Most importantly, do you still love him (even if you aren’t feeling “in love”)?

hey yeah he is aware, we went to see a counselor, we’ve done the date nights – we are complete opposites in everything and I mean everything, so we don’t quite get each other but for some reason we love each other, I still LOVE him yes, just not in love… my “desire” seems to have taken a vacation… and I can’t seem to find it….

I just dn’t know if i’m being cruel, my intention is right but am I being cruel by making him believe that I can love him again when I feel as though I can’t?
I think I’m over thinking but has anyone fallen out of love only to fall back again… a year later?

If you’ve already tried all of the usual stuff, it seems unlikely at this point. However, keep in mind that that euphoric feeling of falling in love and wanting to have sex every moment of every day generally doesn’t last. And that’s ok. As long as you still love one another and make each other happy, there’s nothing wrong with that. If, however, one or both of you are miserable, that’s no way to live. If that’s the case, it might be best to move on.

I like what @augustlan had to say and add that you may be over thinking it. If you stress about this, it will be hard to just enjoy.

People will. Can they? No. It’s a core attribute that make you yourself.

Try getting the book Getting the love You Want.. Do the exercises, That should show you whether he is the one or not. If he is, it should guide you back into love with him.

I think falling in love is just to bring people together, it doesn’t last, after five years of marriage you’re hardly going to still have butterflies in your stomach every time he walks into the room. As long as you love him, that’s the main thing. If you two are stuck in a rut, go do something diffferent, something romantic like a picnic on the beach or go on a horseriding treck.

Love is a decision. Sometimes we decide to love someone on a moment-to-moment basis. It sounds to me as if you’re saying that your “feelings” have changed. If you WANT to love him, then you can.

It might be easier to advise if you gave us more background…barring vague guidance, I would suggest kinky sex.

Wife and I have been married to each other for 45 years. Are we still in love with each other? Yes. Each time my wife flys to Seattle to babysit for our grandchildren and great grandchildren, I earnestly wait for her to land at our airport. Three days gone, seems like 3 months when you are away from the one you love.

Our romantic fire is stronger than ever.

I think you have had this feeling at one time in your relationship for him. But, you are now wondering, “where did our love go”?

Only you can answer this question. It’s torture to be stuck with someone, when love is only going down a one-way street. I know you have given this plenty of thought. I am wondering if this person left and never came back, how would you feel?

You need to ask yourself some serious questions, before you make some serious decisions in this relationship.

It’s really hard to fall out-of-love with a person, especially if children are involved.

Love sucks.

Thats pretty much all you need to know.

@CaptainHarley When it comes to love, there’s no need to put feelings in quotes. You can’t just love someone because you want to love them, that’s ridiculous. I mean, really, you think that I can begin to love another just because my head says I should. You can remain in a loveless marriage if you WANT to, but that’s all that it’ll be.

@augustlan Your words… However, keep in mind that that euphoric feeling of falling in love and wanting to have sex every moment of every day generally doesn’t last. And that’s ok. As long as you still love one another and make each other happy, there’s nothing wrong with that…. are so wise. Thanks.

Sure it’s possible. The parents of a friend of mine divorced when he was very young, and then re-married each other just a couple of years later. They are still married today. I do wonder, though, if they number their anniversaries from the first wedding or the second.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir

You kinda missed the entire point, but I’m on my way out the door to have a tooth pulled, so I don’t have enough time to explain just now. Perhaps later.

I think once you truly love someone, it’s impossible to fall OUT of love with them…

yeah I agree, I just find that i no longer have the desire to have sex or be intimate… and i’ve had this desire for a long time now, about 8 months, I just don’t want him touching me or kissing me but i love him .. and I“m not playing around either, I really want to love him but something feels wrong, it’s just the weirdest thing ever and I want to over come it, i’ve tried faking it but that didn’t work .. .maybe i’m doomed maybe i’m just terrible in relationships…. damn it

@tan235 I feel that it is very possible to love someone but not be in love with them. It took me a couple of years after a guy broke up with me to realize that, had we been married like I hoped, it would have been a huge mistake. We both would have been miserable despite respecting each other. Respect is important in a relationship, but it takes more than that to hold it together.

Like you, I once thought that I was terrible in relationships. I gave up looking and realized that I might be single forever. The focus turned to building up a financial portfolio that would support me after retirement, my career, and learning how to attend a social function without a date.

A few years ago, I met a man by pure accident. It only took a week to realize that he could be ‘the one’. My advice is to let this man go and hold out for the right one for you. Trust me…you won’t regret it in the long run.

hey @Pied_Pfeffer, thanks for such a personal story, actually the one thing i love about Fluther is that everyone is so honest, so thanks so much every one…. I hear you, I“m in my 30’s now and that makes me feel differently I guess, like if I let go now I’ll never be able to have children, or find my ‘mate’ ... etc etc which is a silly fair to have, I do love the person I“m with very much… but i’m not making him happy as there are things that I neglect because I don’t know where my heart is… wow life, love… the human heart… all great things I guess are worth the frustration

If you want to have children, then yes, of course you feel the clock ticking like many other women do, be it your age or younger. Mom was 37 when she had me and this was way back in the early ‘60s. A sister and a SIL both had a child in their early ‘40s. My best friend who was in her mid-30s at the time, woke up single and childless one day and became a parent caring parent before the day was over, although it took about six months before it was legal. Those two adore each other, and the daughter has a much better life than what would have transpired had she been left with her parents.

yeah that’s true, it is a selfish reason to hold onto someone, in saying that I just want to make it very clear that that is not the case with me, I’m just really confused and a little scared of making such a big change, worried that I will make the wrong choice.

You can’t make yourself love someone you stopped loving. You can respect him, trust him, admire him, care for him, etc., those things are under your control; but not love. Love is totally out of our control, it is a feeling that is either there or not. When you really love someone it is very clear to you that you do.
It seems to me that you have stopped loving him altogehter (8 months is a long time), but that for several reasons it would be easier for you to stay with him, so you are trying to convince yourself (and him) that you will love him again the way you once did. But you can’t force love or desire for someone.
It is what it is. You could stay there with him, hurting him and hurting yourself along the way. You can have a sexless marriage. You can have children and have a busy life. Unfortunately, you won’t be all that happy.
Being confused is the worst situation you can find yourself in. It stresses you out and it causes a great deal of anxiety. You need to weigh out the situation, what are the pros & cons of staying/leaving.
How strong a person are you? Do you feel you have the strength and the means to be on you own again? Do you feel attractive enough to find someone else? Have you had a serious conversation with him about all this? Do you know how he feels about your present situation? These are key questions for you to make a decision you won’t regret in the future.

thank you @Porifera… I’m going to re read this a few times…

@tan235

You might want to visit your physician. Sometimes an abrupt cessation of sexual interest can be due to physical factors.

what kind?
It’s not gone completely….. it’s still there, I just don’t act them out… as I“ve lost my libido… so to speak… I did just go and get all my bloods done and got a check up and everything was fine.

“The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: Avoid, if at all possible. Unfortunately, tan235 has never read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. ”

Adams’ humorous cynicism aside, though, it might be premature to give up; @augustlan has made a decent point.

yeah thanks @Nullo, humor is a good way to move forward on all decisions I believe… we need to be able to laugh at ourselves don’t we x

I was in this very situation with my ex of 2 and a half years. Know what I did? I decided to stay & try to get the “in love” feeling back. I ended up falling in love with a coworker, cheated 3 months later (held out until then), told boyfriend, he moved out. Guy #2 left (I loved him for about a year after contact stopped), I still tried with guy #1 for another 8 months, but it got to a point to where I couldnt stand even a hug.

I still love him as a person, I wish him the best, but it took a lot of effing up to accept that “we” had just ran it’s course.

Good luck!!

P.s. I haven’t been in a serious relationship since, but I am SO MUCH HAPPIER NOW! :D Best decision!