What's to become of the broken-hearted? Who will bring the entertainment?

Grey Goose and a straw. :)

It’s not bullshit, in my opinion. You’ll probably come to appreciate the closeness that comes from that kind of friendship later. For now, it sucks, yeah. I know from experience, seeing as I stayed friends with almost all of mine.

All I know is that when feelings were involved, I required a period of time and distance where I had no contact with them in order to heal without the wound continually being ripped back open.

As a consequence, I have some really close friends who care a lot about me and who know me better than my own family. So, hang in there.

In the interim, alcohol and drugs have always served me well. ;)

I never thought hatred was part of any healing. Whoa.

@Neizvestnaya I think it is actually anger not hatred like in the steps of grief.

Any remaining (non-valuable from a monetary or emotional perspective) ex person’s possessions and have a ceremonial and spiritual burning? You could add things you bought together but don’t really want or that are painful to look at.

Bit like a smudging ceremony (burning sage to clear the energy). In fact add some sage. Make it a positive rather than negative thing.

I’ve only had one break up that ended in anger, and the anger was only on his end. It was a short lived internet relationship, and I needed to end it because he got way too serious, and we both found people in “real life” anyway. (Yes I realize internet people are real too, but a California to Belgium long distance relationship isn’t going to happen for me. sorry dude.)

My first really big break up was with this guy I’d been with for six long years. I had felt like I wanted out for at least 2, but he was really unstable and I was afraid he would do something stupid either to himself or to someone else, so I waited way too long. I planned to ease him off slowly, by first saying that I wanted to see other people. This did not happen. I called him and told him that we needed to talk. He came and got me, and I told him all the things that I needed from him and that I wasn’t getting (I was tired of being his mommy, he was never there for me but I was always there for him, etc.) and when I was done he said “Well, you said you were going to lose weight and you never did. I don’t think we should go out any more.”

Inside my head I was like “yessssss!”

But it filled a void with excitement and fun @FluffyChicken and it still hurt when you had to call it quits.

For the record, this isn’t all about me. It’s a pattern I’ve seen on the flutherboards lately.

We all have our stories to share. We are not alone.

@MissAnthrope I know it’s been a while, but you know I still adore you, right?

Yeah, it hurt a little. But it brought me into a much better, more accessible relationship (the one that just ended after 2.5 years. I’m still in shock.)

@Blueroses according to this it’s break up season

I like the idea of a break-up party/get together with people you love. And @Blueroses is right. We all know how it feels.

@Blueroses – Awwwwshucks. ♥

I feel like I’m shriveling up and dying right now
There’s a vacuum where my heart used to be, and everything is caving in around it
I want to be held and kissed and comforted
but my holder-kisser-comforter-moral support-sounding board-companion… is no longer that.

@Mz_Lizzy I forgot about that, great idea ! I remember some college era breakup for which I held a burning ceremony on a beach at night. It’s less sinister than it sounds, wasn’t any kind of hexing or wishing ill. But a great severing and catharsis.

Vacuum is a good analogy @FluffyChicken. Your insides are Hoovered out and there’s nothing to fill that void. The one you would call is the one who caused it. How do we reverse the flow and fill you with confetti? Temporary, but bandaids are better than nothing.

@Neizvestnaya I didn’t really mean hatred, but that hardening that makes it possible to proceed.

The scab over the wound where one’s heart used to be before it was ripped out.

Don’t pick at the scabs. You remember that, right? It only leaves a scar.

It’s such fun though when they itch and get all dry and crusty…

Oh, I know! And delicious pain to peel them off and examine them again and again! Maybe even bite them to see how crunchy they are….

wait

is this metaphor or other?

lol!! And I thought I went too far… :-)

nope, nope
This is a party.

I will bring my backup dance team!

I broke up with my last boyfriend a year ago and I simultaneously miss him and hate his guts. He has a new girlfriend and I can’t muster a shred of happiness for him. I wish he was single and lonely.

I’ve stayed friends with most of my other exes and still like them and enjoy being friends with them. This one, though, I think it’s just easier to hate from afar. Talking to him sucks. (Not talking to him sucks too sometimes.)

A freakin’ year later, you guys. Dammit.

Oh, and: wine.

Optimally… I’d host a week-long, fully-loaded Caribbean cruise with my dearest and closest, making sure there was a DJ and an unlimited flow of margaritas. Par-tay!

I have never had hatred define my healing period post-break up.

Me neither.

Well, y’all who never had an “I hate all of your guts and your liver and spleen and your mama and your mama’s mama and your mama’s llama mama” moment over one who dumped you….

You’re a better man than I am..Gunga Din.

For the rest of us, I lift that glass @nikipedia and take that cruise @linguaphile

@Blueroses ...I am not a man. :)

I’m sitting here, trying to decide if what I’ve felt in the past regarding break-ups is actually hate. I mean, at the time, when I’m feeling really hurt and angry, it sure feeeels like hate, but like.. deep down, do I really actually hate them? Like, once the irrational emotion is past and the wounds are healed? Not really.

So, yeah.. no idea what you’d call that, but I’ll toast with the haters. ;)

@MissAnthrope you touch on some interesting and potentially valuable differences.
I think primal therapists would call hate a secondary emotion, derivative of anger.
Purists would call anger a secondary emotion, derived of pain/hurt. And by the time you get to ‘hate’ that’s tertiary and heaped with mental vibes on top of basic feelings.
If in a situation you figure out that what you’re dealing with is pain/hurt you can heal that and stop the further hurt. Anger and hate have mental supports that can be self-reinforcing and harder to settle and heal.

GA @dabbler Depending on the relationship, anger and hate can be an important part of healing. I think, anyway. If the relationship was abusive (mentally or physically), allowing yourself to feel anger at the person can lead to insights.

@Blueroses I agree completely that it’s good to be in touch with the emotions around abusive situations anger and/or pain so you can figure out that it needs to stop (not you don’t deserve it) and figure out how to stop it (confront &/or leave).
I think it is useful to understand that anger is a reaction to being in pain/hurt, because that’s where it has to stop. The power of anger can help someone be courageous enough to confront or escape the cause of the injury.

Excellent answer again @dabbler. I’m about to max out on my lurve for you.

There are times when you are in a relationship where you’ve justified your actions and the other person’s to a point where what looks crazy to anyone else becomes your normal. Being able to be angry and direct hatred can help with the “why did I allow that?”

A good book to read about anger and how to ‘interpret’ your own anger is “The Language of Emotions” by Karla McLaren. She’s one of the few people that I’ve read that do not negate the value of anger, or vilify it, but explains that we should use it as a tool to understand ourselves, to direct our actions, etc.
There was a phase in my life where I became extremely depressed for years and it was because I had repressed my anger for so long, not validating my frustrations because I bought into all that happy talk that’s going on—the “you are in charge of your emotions, happiness is your own responsibility, you are the one who makes yourself happy,’” etc etc. I think there’s some value in the ‘happy talk,’ but even that gets to a point where the price is the loss of validating true and honest emotions, like anger and hate. I think a lot of people are depressed because they are working too freaking hard trying to be happy, and not accepting that the negative emotions are a necessary part of the spectrum and our daily processes.
So, yes, in a breakup, I do think anger and hate are part of the process if, and especially if there was a great level of disrespect. I’ve had a breakup that went like this:
“Hey… I think you’re a bitch.” (matter of fact tone)
“I think you’re an asshole.” (laughing.)
“Friends?”
“Sure thing.”
And we’re still friends 23 years later. No anger, no hate, just total acceptance and respect that we didn’t fit each other. The worst breakup I had was when I was lied to, tricked, left in the dark, abandoned and lied about—took a long, long time to get over because I was emotionally violated and it was betrayal on many levels. Hatred and anger was a huge part of this breakup, but if all the cards had been on the table, I really think there would’ve been much different outcome.
I think it has a lot to do with what happens during the breakup—is it honest? Is there a level of mutual respect (even if the other person’s a total cad)? Is one person ripping the rug out from under the other and dancing in fiendish glee?
May the road rise up to meet you, may the sun be always at your back and jeez… may you always have a good breakup :)

@linguaphile
That.
Was an amazing answer.
Thank you so much for putting your time and thoughts into that response. I couldn’t agree more.

Agreed. I love all the eloquence and well thought out answers I encounter on this site. It makes me jolly.