How can I stop this cycle of petty arguments with my SO?

You two are stuck in a cycle. It happens. Instead of looking at the negative aspects of each other, why not sit down and write each other a note of what you like about each other?

Nagging and bickering will lead to further problems, if you do not act now.

The full moon is over, so start writing.

Not enough information. What is really eating at “Mike” and you? Money….jobs…sex…MIL’s…over due books??

Drop the ego. Arguing is always about being ‘right’, ‘winning.’

It’s all egoic bluster and defense. Try to get to the heart of the matter…LISTEN, really LISTEN for the messages behind ego.

Some things simply do not have a right/wrong polarity.

You know what they say about wanting to be happy or right?

If you can;t make any progress get into therapy.

Pride is the number one relationship killer.

I think it is smart of you to want to break this patterm as soon as possible. It could be nothing, just normal relationship frustrations. The worst case scenerio is he is cheating or thinking about cheating, the symptoms are the same. Is there any reason to suspect such a thing?

If it were me, I would during a calm time tell him you are concerned that you both have been fighting so much. The best time to talk is when the tension is not happening. Make sure you don’t accuse him of being the cause. Listen to whatever he has to say and try not to be defensive, because men tend to shut down fast. Ask him what you can do, if you seem to be getting into a fight, to deescalate it. Possibly it has little to do with your relationship but other outside pressures and you are just getting the brunt of his stress.

I’m big on the Enneagram profiling. I think becoming intimately aquainted with anothers personality ‘style’ is HUGE. An invaluable ‘tool’.

I am an assertive communicator and simply cannot deal with a hardcore passive, or worse yet, passive aggressive style. I can RESPECT how another shows up, but, when it comes to a good fit, gotta be on the same personality page.

Walk away. That is what my SO does. He simply does not participate in arguing. He just leaves the room or says nothing (which is very similar to the silent treatment).

First off I want to say, I respect that you despise asking a relationship question. I despise myself for answering. :D
Having been in cycles of arguments myself, I know how frustrating it can be. I can’t pretend I have the answers here but, the following are my thoughts:

-Stop being afraid. (Of his cold-shoulders or anything else.)
-Be patient, and reasonable. Play fair.
-Communicate. Listen, don’t defend. Talk slowly and quietly if you can.
-Laugh at yourselves, and at each other. Stop taking yourselves so damn seriously.
-Remember it’s ok to be wrong, and being right isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
-Give each other slack, but don’t hold back. Say what’s on your mind, don’t nag.
-Make time to be silent together. Being comfortable, being together.
-Eat good food, and have great sex. Or eat great food and have good sex, which ever really.
-Remember to purr. Attack with compassion and sweetness.
-Reward, don’t punish. Be openly grateful. Be kind, be gentle, no matter what.
-When you fight, fight like this, “No let me take out the trash, I’m up already… But you just washed the dishes, it’s my turn.”
-Push the good buttons. If you know the bad ones, don’t push them.
-You know each other, so don’t be insecure. Be a team. Working together you’ll kick more ass.
I promise I am Flunking. (I usually am.) Although that’s a new term for me.

@YARNLADY

You must have the patience of Jobe. Jeez…that passive aggressive stuff is the ONE thing that can really torque me! I do everything in my power to only associate with assertive, ‘lets get ‘er worked out NOW’ types. lol

No, but you could certainly provoke a huge argument about why it would be worthwhile doing so. :-)

@Coloma Can anyone deal with a passive aggressive type?

Remember that old saying,

It takes two to make an argument?

One of you will have to take the initiative to be quiet.
(Do you want to be right…or do you want to be happy?)

Get the cats to form a jury so they can decide which one of you stands in the corner. Either that or be like cats for a while, they do not talk to each other hence no fights. When was the last time you saw cats annoying each other? Don’t be like dogs who do petty barking at first which ends up in more serious biting sometimes. Awful analogy I know. Might work though.

I’m with @SABOTEUR . To make it happier around here, which matters a lot to me, I’m trying to listen more and disagree less. In fact, I even attempt to sort of agree when in reality I feel just the opposite. When dealing with the male ego, you have two choices: try to be quieter, agree more, and above all, act impressed with the sometimes BS they come up with. Your other choice ?
Raise your voice and disagree with any little snippet he says and interrupt him constantly. You may come out as the smarter one, and he may even notice it, but if the mood sucks and u can cut the tension with a knife—who really wins?

I don’t think you have to fake agree or dumb it down. I do think listening is key if he is willing to communicate. You have to believe him, take seriously what he complains about. If he won’t reveal what is bothering him, not good.

@Aster That’s so sad. I have other choices.

Thanks. Sad and pathetic. I thought about Choice #3 which is the frypan to the skull method but rejected it out of kindness.

@john65pennington Thanks for reminding me about relationship cycles. They are ever so changing. Any good policeman should know that the Moon affects domestic disputes, no? :)

@Coloma I know about pride killing relationships. My parents argued every night about money, what was right to teach us, and every damn thing since I was 13 or so, and they would not get a divorce because they were Evangelical Christians and thought that divorce was sacrilegious. I am trying really hard not to repeat patterns that my mother inflicted on my father of control, power, and being right.
Also, I like the Enneagram thing, but I also am into the Meyers-Briggs indicator. He and I are perfectly aware of how our personality types mingle…we are so alike, and yet so different. Both introverted and intuitive, but then he is more of a thinker and I am more of a feeler. He is rational and I am irrational. He is left and I am right. We find these patterns manifesting themselves in our marriage over and over. But in fundamental ways, we are very much the same.
And I have to have it worked out right now also, otherwise I can’t go to sleep!

@JLeslie No, we are both nauseated by infidelity. There isn’t any chance of that on either side. It’s more of a power struggle, I think.

@

@YARNLADY That is EXACTLY how he usually handles my rants, which is great, because it makes me look at exactly how I am acting,

@everephebe Wonderful, wonderful advice.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I would really like to hear your advice, if you have any. I don’t know if this kind of stuff sounds petty to you.

Well, that’s good infidelity isn’t a possibility. Good luck :). Hope everything smooths over. I think it will since you seem so aware and wanting to work it through.

@ladymia69 Petty arguments are a symptom of something else. You have to have a conversation with the end goal of stopping petty arguments and getting to the root of your problem (s) and from that point forward, you must work hard (both of you) to not go there again. You have to show effort to each other, when one sees their partner putting in effort into the relationship, they’re more likely to work on their own demons.

Thanks!

Sometimes petty arguements in long term realtionships occur when the relationship becomes stagnant.
Bored of each other, nothing new?
If you two were active in a hobby or exercise or whatever together, it might make things come together.
What attracted you to him in the first place?
And what attracted him to you in the first place too?
Bring that back into the picture to appreciate your beginnings as a couple.
Just find somthing outside of the relationship to share together and yet separate ( group activity) sports etc