Have you ever lived a lie without really knowing it?

Sounds to me like he’s playing games with you.
And as for your question, I’ve never lived a lie without knowing it.

Why on earth would anyone do that on purpose? I don’t think he MEANS to play games.

Gadzooks, it could be that he really do have feelings for you and was trying more for him than you to convince himself they were more than they was. Or maybe he was trying hard with you because the other gal was unavailable but he never purged her from his heart and when she came back on the market he didn’t want to lose the chance again, causing his feelings to drift further away from you. I don’t think he was living a lie I think he was in a long sleep of denial and settling. He does or did care because drum sets are not cheap neither is 6 months of support. And in this age sex is just sex, it is not like it used to be grounded in love or romantic feelings, it is just a mere commodity today, just part of the g/f b/f landscape. IMO that is what happened.

He never did purge her from his heart. I could tell after almost every time that we hung out with her, that there was something making him sad. Like an idiot, I always just assumed it was something I was doing wrong. I knew that he had feelings for her before me, but I thought he had let those go. I tried to do better and to be everything that he needed, but in the long run, it was all useless.

Well, if I am, then I’m still in the ‘not knowing’ stage. It’s not something you can prove either way so I’m just going to take it as axiomatic that I haven’t, and am not, living a lie.

The other thing to consider is that the period you are now thinking might have been a lie, actually wasn’t. Perhaps you are being lied to now. It’s a common enough trick people use to try and hurt others. It often works because we know we cannot change the past, so it can invoke feelings of regret. If we consider the lies to be happening in the present, we can take action to remove ourselves from the hurt and remember the better times with fondness. The other person wants to continue the hurt, so they project their current emotions back into the past to stop you thinking that you can change things and to spoil your otherwise happy memories.

@FluffyChicken It seems like he is not doing it on purpose but boy does he Not know what he wants. And you are obviously vulnerable to that.
Keep a bit of a guard up at least, he is unreliable even if well meaning.

I wouldn’t remain friends with someone who was so dishonest to me.

This is a serious case of a guy wanting to ‘have his cake and eat it’. Tell him to grow up, get a grip and leave you alone! I think no matter what you feel for him, he is always going to treat you like this because you’ve allowed it, and now he feels that’s OK. Time to show him the door and get yourself a real man!

Yes, and it’s practically impossible to know one is living a lie in these situations…where someone is keeping information from you – you’re not living the lie…he has and he’s been deceiving you. I would try to distance yourself from him as much as possible. I hope you feel better soon xxx

I left the man that had me duped for a long time and I just hope my eyes are open enough for it not to happen again, but also that keep my heart open to allow the right and trustworthy person in….

Oh, honey. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Know that as much as it hurts, you’re definitely better off knowing the truth and moving on with your life. Hang in there.

He is a fuckhead. I doubt he never cared about you; however, it does sound like you have been in a lie at least for a while now. He wants to break up. I think he has a new girlfriend probably, I could be wrong, and since you don’t want to lose him, he is saying what he needs to to get rid of you. He says it to convince homself he is doing the right thing and to convince you. The thing is, almost all break ups have months or years of a lie sort of. Married people, when things begin to deteriorate, spends years trying to decide should they divorce or not. Years unhappy, years wondering what changed, years wondring why the fuck they married that person, years thinking th entire relationship was a waste, never felt right, that they must have never really loved their SO.

I know you must miss him terribly, and in your mind he was always wonderful and sweet. But, I doubt that is the realty. There must have been things he did during your relationship that upset you. Your mind is playing tricks on you. I am not saying you shouldn’t be upset, it is always a tremendous loss to lose someone who is in our lives daily, and this is a loss, you are mourning your relationship.

I really feel for your pain. I think you must have gone through a lot. I hope your sharing it with us helps a bit dear.

Edited because @seazen_ edited.

Because I care.

Get him to go on Dr. Phil with you. Then kick his ass.

Good one

Sometimes people are really SICK and i’m not talking about health sickness.

Get away from him for a while [ not 2–3 days but a few months ]

Try to see how he acts in different circles. [ ask your common friends ]

Good luck though

Isn’t revisionist history a wonderful thing? I suspect he did love you and is now rewriting the story for some reason. I think you need to stay away from him for your own healing to take place and remember the relationship as it seemed to you.

The first thing that comes to mind is he’s saying this to try and get you to get over him, get angry with him even so he doesn’t have to feel bad for whatever he feels isn’t enough between you for him to want to stay together.

Is he so miserable right now and saying he misses the comfort of your relationship because he doesn’t have a chance with that girl afterall? Please consider that he may truly have believed he did have a chance with her and maybe, just maybe her “relationship fart” with bf has something to do with your bf; they may have had something going on for awhile you don’t/didn’t know about.

Whatever it is, that’s he’s saying he never loved you for farking 2.5 years of being together is CRUEL! Good riddance to him for yanking your chain and keeping you “off market” so long while honestly interested guys could have had a chance.

As for living a lie, yes I have. I was raised into my teens never knowing the full name of my biological father, not ever having seen a picture of him or knowing where he lived. All I was ever told about him was bad and the attitude of my family is that he ruined my mother’s life by marrying her and getting her pregnant… with me. As it turns out, my father was no saint but he did catch my mother in an infidelity so she left him and divorced him. I only learned the truth from him when I finally was allowed to meet him just a few years before he died.

I prefer to look at people’s behavior as the best indicator of what they mean and who they are. I am less inclined to believe what they say they believe.

So in this case, this man lived a life where he acted to you like the perfect lover. He loved you. What else can you say? As far as you are concerned, the feelings were real. Your feelings were real. What you got back from him met your needs.

Now all of a sudden, when his old flame looks like she’s free, he says he never loved you? What does that mean? Well, that kind of thing is very painful to the recipient, and he must know that, so I’d say he clearly wanted to cause you a lot of pain.

Why did he want to cause you pain? Who knows? Maybe he wanted to be free of you and shocking you was the best way to do that. Maybe he couldn’t handle the relationship any more. Maybe he has a mental illness. Maybe he freaked out. There are hundreds of maybes and you’re the only one with enough information to make an accurate guess.

I don’t think it is helpful to tell yourself you are or were living a lie. What you were living was real. I don’t think people can fake those things for so long, and I have no idea what would motivate someone to fake those things for so long. You weren’t living a lie. You were sincere.

Now he wants to remain friends. Why? What does that mean?

I would sit down with him to try to get some believable truth on why he did this. How could he fake it so well for so long? Why did he really break up with you? Tell him that if he can’t give a satisfactory answer, you can’t be friends with him, and even if he does give a good answer, you may still not want to be friends.

I would only do this if you care to find out what happened. If not, then stop responding to his texts and whatever else.

I 2nd what @wundayatta says about not needing this guy for a friend. With friends like that, you’ll never need for enemies. Gah.

From what you say it sounds like he is part pathalogical liar and someone who is simply using people to get thier own needs met by saying and doing whatever it is they think you need to hear.

He stated hurtful things because he wanted to see you in pain. Now he wants back???

If this happened to me, I wouldnt waste my time with him or trying to find out.

(NSFW) He may have been a good fuck, but he seems like he is better being a mind fuck.

He lied to you and wants to fuck your friend. What’s to think about here?

I am not aware that I’ve ever lived a lie, it would be too difficult but I’d like to know this guy’s phone number. He sounds like a blast if he likes old ladies. (; jk I“m really sorry this jerk has done this to you. He almost sounds mean.

What kind of ignorant prick is this guy? I mean, I’ve fallen out of love too (who hasn’t?) but when breaking off, I would never be so cruel as to rob someone of their future trust in love like that. That’s a selfish and horrible thing to do to a person you cared for – whether it was ever really love or not.
Don’t waste any more time pitying him sounding unhappy on the phone. He’s a hard-hearted child who broke his favorite toy because he didn’t want anyone else to have it.

I will echo what others have said and reiterate that you will NOT be able to heal with him still dicking you around. Maintain your distance from him, get away from him, and stay away from him. Then see what your heart says after you get some objectivity. I am so sorry that this is happening to you, but I think it might happen to everyone at some point, and it isn’t fair, and it isn’t right, but you will be better off without him.

Ditto to what most say above. Number one, get him out of your life, mourn the relationship, take a long deep breathe and get up tomorrow to continue to live life. I was in a very similar relationship in college and she told me with as much conviction that her relationship with me was all a big mistake. People that are weak to their deep selfish tendencies have to create and recreate rationalizations and personal history in their minds to get what they want in the moment.

You are real, what you did was real, what you felt was real. Look at it this way; in his entire selfish inadequate persona he coincidentally gave you a wonderful time together, too bad he was too fucking dumb to even know he was doing it right. He doesn’t deserve you and to spite his sorry ass, when life brings you another love, love without inhibitions or fears. Do this because of who you are. Love again, and don’t hold back. It was probably you who were bringing out the best in him and you know how you can know this is true. When he realizes what he gave up he will come crawling back to you. Don’t let him back in your life. All that you have written above proves you are beautiful, capable and worthy of true love!