What is going on with my fiancée in regards to my children?

You haven’t seen your own kids in four months??Your kids are already on the back burner. :(
Good luck with Prince Charming.

Some ideas: 1) they are also ½ your ex so he does not want to deal with them, 2) he wants you all to himself, 3) he does not really like your kids, or 4) he is selfish. These are all I can come up with. As @lucillelucillelucille said, “your kids are already on the back burner.” So, if I understand it correctly, 8 times in a row he has had a ‘reason’ for you not to have your kids (4 months x 2 times a month.) The prospects of you continuing with your fiance and having a relationship with your children is not good at all. It may have come down to choosing between your fiance and your children.

Any reason that I could come up with all led back to him being selfish and/or insecure. One weekend every two weeks is not a huge commitment on his part. I would think he should try to help make this happen instead of trying to stop it if he really loved you. So, he may be caring for you in some ways emotionally, but not to the fullest extent because if he were he would try to aid your relationship with your children not hinder it. June is fast approaching; I would not marry him if this trend continues unless you are willing to give up the time with your children. However, I also speak from the perspective of a mother not a man.

Big RED FLAG! If your kids are not important to him now, they never will be. Your children should be first and foremost in your life, not some man you are dating. He is slowly manipulating you into giving up your kids. Hold off on this marriage until your children are welcome with this man. That may be never.

You haven’t even been together for two years and you are still asking questions about a man you agreed to marry? Sounds like you need to get to know him better first and take some time to get to know your own kids while you are at it. They grow up fast!

Next time he says he is tired point out to him that when you both have a kid of your own, you can’t just put the kid away for the times he feels tired or whatever reason. Then bring your kids over. If he acts annoyed than I would reconsider things. If he still acts great with the kids than it may just be that he is simply inexperience with kids and hasn’t stop to think how putting the kids aside is hurtful. Especially if you aren’t really protesting. Point out that when he has his own child someday he wouldn’t want you to put that child aside for your other children. He is going to expect you to be that childs mother 24/7 and as it you don’t have full custody of your other children and the time you get with them is no less precious than with any other child you would have. Calling them your husbands puppies sounds like he may be jealous of their relationship with their dad. He may have unreasonable expectations of how they should feel about him. You need to talk things out and find out what his true feelings are before you commit all the way and end up divorcing him in the future or end up leaving your kids all together.
It could be your kids like him and act ok, but bring up their dad a lot to let him know they will not accept him as a replacement because they feel disloyal when they are having a good time with him. Or maybe he feels its unfair when your kids come over that you expect him to entertain them and you get to relax.
Just pointing out that you maybe need to look at the whole thing objectively. What happens when the kids come over? How do you behave? Has anything been said that maybe can make him feel like an outsider? How do you divide parental responsibility? Do you override decisions about how to disappline your kids and he feels its not fair? Do you see them as little angels when they really do their best to undermine your relationship?

@Cruiser – I’m asking because this is a (semi)recent thing…and I can’t figure it out. I know they grow up fast… They are 10, 12 and 13 yrs old.

@ Pandora – Thank you for the info. I hadn’t thought of it that way. I will be having a sit-down with him tonight though and will definitely bring some of these VERY valid points up. It’s my weekend with them coming up and come Hell or high-water I am going to see them. Thanks for the support! :)

@Twixt3 Forgive me if I come across judgmental but if I was divorced, I could not imagine not seeing my kids at least once a week. 4 months to me is unthinkable and I can only imagine there is more to your story. Good luck.

What?! You haven’t seen them in 4 months and he calls them puppies? DO NOT MARRY THIS PERSON! Trust me.

@Twixt3 I wish you the best of luck. I forgot to mention that you may want to go see a family counselor so that they can give you an objective point of view. You are not just bringing two people together, you are trying to blend a family together. Best to make sure that it is possible before you say I do.

I am wondering why you would let his excuses govern your visitation with your children. I understand you believe his excuses, but four months is not excusable. What do you think your children feel when you cancel on them constantly?

I can’t even imagine going four months without seeing my own children. The pain and hurt you have caused them by doing so is probably unimaginable and you have undoubtedly damaged your relationship with them. I am sure they feel this man is more important to you than they are because that is the message you have sent through your actions. Fix your relationship with your children now before it is too late. If I were you, I would reconsider marrying a man who would behave in this way toward your children and who would sit by and allow you to do the same. He should be encouraging your relationship with your children and developing his own, not complaining about them and/or standing by while you shrug them off to placate him. If any man called my children “puppies” I’d break his nose.

You are also leaving your ex-husband an open playing field to go back to court and have your parental rights terminated for abandonment and neglect.

Honestly, it sounds like your fiancee doesn’t really like to be around your children. Personally, I would’ve never married my husband if he pulled any of the crap your fiancee is pulling. You definitely need to talk to him about it and get to the bottom of it before you marry him and before you have children with him.

Personally, I’d put my foot down and say ‘my children are coming, if you don’t like it, you can leave for the weekend’.

The “puppy” thing is extremely bothersome to me.

It doesn’t sound like he’s truly accepted your kids. Not if he refers to them as possessions of your ex instead of “his” or “ours”. They are things that don’t belong to him and he doesn’t associate with. I’d bet a cookie that if you had kids with him, your kids will not be treated equally.

That, and the implication is just extermely disrespectful. As if they were the products of breeding . And if they’re the pups, wouldn’t that imply their mom is a bitch? :S

In thinking about this further, I am guessing he does not really like your kids but does not want to admit it. He may put on an act like he likes them, or he may realize when he is actually with them that he’s not having a bad time, but if he really liked them, and if he truly loved you he would not even allow you to not see them for four months. He would be asking “when are your kids coming over?”

If you had a kid with him, he would love that one and really never want to see your kids.

Nip this in the bud now. Don’t be fooled by someone who takes care of you “emotionally, physically and financially.” If he cared for your emotions, you would not have to resort to tears (as you said you have) to get through to him. If he cared for your emotions, he would want the whole package, not just you, since your kids are a part of you.

As someone above said, also, this is reflecting upon you for family court, as well.

If he has this attitude about your children now, it will not improve once you two are married.

I have seen this so many times in domestic calls. A special problem is who dishes out the punishment. You punish your children and he punishes his. One day, if you two marry, you will get your fill of him punishing your children and then comes the divorce. Blood is thicker than water and your children will come first.

I wish this would work for you, but from what you have described, its only going to get worse.

This is a doomed relationship. Do Not Marry Him His behavior towards your children is un-acceptable and is a huge red flag. And the fact that you’ve allowed this situation to continue is pretty bad too. Your kids are and should be the most important thing to you, not a man that you might marry.

It’s unfortunate that you didn’t really get to know this man before you became engaged. There’s probably a lot of other things about him that you are currently unaware of.

If you marry him and add another child into this mix, the whole ugly situation is just going to get a whole lot worse. He doesn’t see your kids as his kids. He barely even recognizes that they are your kids. He has made it loud and clear that your kids are not a priority for him. Like some of the others have already stated, if he tired or not feeling well, that is absolutely NO excuse for not caring for one’s children.

Sounds like he likes the idea of having a child with you, but he is clearly not up to the task of being a parent and he will make a really sh*tty husband, because he is already not living up to the standards which will be necessary for him to take on you and your children.

I don’t see any hope for this marriage working out. But if you are bound and determined to give it a try, things will need to change drastically and immediately. The only chance I see for you is if you both, along with the children, start taking parenting classes and family therapy together right now. But my guess is that your fiance will not be willing to do that.

You should be prepared to break it off with him and move on with your life. And learn to make your children your first priority. Sorry, that’s just the way it needs to be.

Please feel free to post an update if you would like, to let us know what you decide to do and how things turn out. Best of luck to you and your family.

JCA
The Update Lady

I think that the point of the question is being missed here…I want suggestions as to why this is an all of a sudden thing. The entire time we have been together before this NEVER happened. I’m wondering why he may be doing this now?
@cardamom – we have known eachither very well since I was 5 and he was 12.

Seeing the ages of the kids, it may be because they are almost done with the cute little kid stage and onto the teenage years. Or, it could be because your wedding is just around the corner. He may be focusing on a family with you which does not include your ex’s kids.

Did anything unusual happen around Christmas time as 4 months ago was around Christmas?

@Twixt3 : I think you answered that yourself: “We are supposed to be married this coming June”

Either he’s deciding to show his true colors now before it all happens, or he’s unable to keep up his facade because now the prospect of being stuck with kids that don’t belong to him is now becoming very real. Either he’s not ready to be a parent, or his ideal situation of a marriage with you is one where your “baggage” does not exist.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you are able to get through to him because this is NOT good. I agree with the others that having a child with him is a horrible idea and marriage is just as bad of an idea.
I feel as there is more to this story possibly? Has he really encouraged you to see or call your kids since you don’t see them? Does he want you to just forget them and start“fresh” and have a new baby with him? Has he done this to any of his ex’s? Have you had a chance to talk with any of them and see if this is a pattern? Is there any domestic violence issues from his past? Does he give you a hard time about seeing your family or friends too? Has he postponed your wedding? Is he full of excuses and a sweet talker?
I was a domestic violence counselor in my past and I see familiar things in your story.
As far as your last post is concerned, I wonder if this “sudden” thing is really all that sudden. Is it possible he just has more control over you and is now able to just get away with this behavior MORE?
Perhaps his true intentions were not conscious and he didn’t realize what he was getting into? Maybe he thought that a wedding and a baby and lots of fluffy stuff would gradually let you forget about your “old” kids and just start a “new” family?
If he loves you he will do anything for you, include accepting your children. They are children, they have feelings, needs, they are people-NOT PUPPIES! He can’t continue being so selfish and heartless. You can’t continue to either.
Your kids are probably scarred deeply from this and most likely will feel pain for a very long time. I saw that you only see them every other weekend? Could you visit with them after school at the mall or a park or somewhere other than your home so they at least can see you? Or does he want you to just cut them off completely but just doesn’t want to say that? Can you try to talk to your ex about the situation at all? Maybe so he can help the kids through this period? Have you apologized to your kids yet? Have you apologized and thanked the people who are picking up the slack for you? Have you considered how you plan to stop this and change being an inconsistent presence in their lives?
Do YOU really want to commit to that?
I think you need to learn to stand on your own two feet and stop having him support you so much and in so many ways, it’s OK to love someone while allowing them to be their own person. All the “support” he is giving you is a way for him to control you

In reference that people are missing the point of the question, I don’t think anyone is missing the point here. Didn’t you come on here to get an unbiased answer? I think we all know that the truth hurts sometimes but it sounds like you need to not only hear it, but accept it and own it. I think you need to see that point is that it doesn’t matter WHY he is doing it, it matters that it is happening, that YOU are allowing it to happen, and it’s both of your behaviors that are cruel, unnecessary and completely inconsiderate.
You need to stop hurting your children. Be their mom or be upfront and tell them you can’t so they can heal.

@optimisticpessimist – the only thing that happened about Christmas time was that the boys father took them to TX to visit his side of the family over Christmas break. They were gone for two weeks.

- on a side note; my fiancée has been diagnosed with an endocrine disease about 2 months ago…so his illness isn’t a bluff. He has been having symptoms of it for quite a while but he thought it was due to a medication he was on. I’m not making any excuses. Just trying to give all the facts.
Thank you for the honest replies from you all so far.

I am sorry to he has been diagnosed with an illness. It is probably easier for him to not have your kids around; however, parenting is not a ‘when I feel up to it responsibility.’ I know you said you were not making excuses, but you also talked about you and he having a child.

I asked about Christmas because it can be a joyous time or it can be fraught with family drama. I did not know if there was a family argument or even the boys not being appreciative of presents from you and your fiance.