When does loneliness become too much to take?

I do not know, that point is different for different people.

I think you answered your own question there, at least for you. You enjoy being alone, but when you’ve got a jones for some form of intimacy, that’s when you visit or call someone, or go hang out where there are friendly people.

I don’t have anyone I can visit or call who isn’t too busy with their own lives to pay me some attention…

When you’re ready to kill yourself.

Or maybe before, if you want to try to stave that other moment away.

Stop thinking about it so much. I know, I know—much easier said than done.

One of the keys to happiness (in my own experiences, as a happy, content, single middle-aged man) is to fill your days with things you like to do. I get up about 4 hours before I leave for work. I spend that time doing things which make me happy (for me, that’s playing a computer game or catching up on things on my DVR or just watching a morning show). It’s a few hours of me time that I find really valuable.

Then I go spend 10 hours at the office. But it’s a job I love, and that’s another important facet of a happy life—going to work at a place you don’t hate. Most of us have to work, but it’s important that we find a place to work where we can, at the very least, not be unhappy. If we’re lucky enough to find work that’s personally fulfilling, even better. But in many cases (not all; many) you have no excuse to continue working at a place you hate.

Then I go home and spend more quality me time. Or I go to a bar I like that’s near my home and office that has a vibe I like. Or I go to friends’ houses and spend time with them. Or I go out on a date and try (and fail at) that. Or I take myself to see a movie I really want to see. Or I go for a drive (in the summertime) because it’s a nice excuse to listen to good music and just unwind.

And you do this every day and it fills your day and if you’re lucky, along the way you make some friends and maybe even fall in love a time or three.

Thanks @Neurotic_David…

I missed the main point of my post. (Because someone walked into my office while I was typing that last bit. Ahh, the dangers of Fluthering while working :D ). What I described above is what makes me happy. The key to happiness as a single adult, in my experiences, is to fill your days with things you enjoy. I spend weekends with my horses. You might spend weekends gardening or going to sporting events or whatever. I spend nights watching good films, reading books, playing computer games, or going out. You might spend nights smoking pot. Whatever it is that you enjoy, you should do, as much as possible.

And while enjoying your day-to-day life, the loneliness bit will take care of itself.

Just my opinion, based on my experiences as a middle-aged man. Your mileage may vary. Past performance is not an indicator of future success. Professional stunt man on closed course. Do not try this at home. Unless you really want to. In which case, have someone film you so we can see it on YouTube.

I think as humans its a nature thing to be with someone. We weren’t created to be alone, thats why we feel lonely and helpless when alone for a long time.

All those things generally work for me, @Neurotic_David. (Well, I don’t have horses, so no that one). Lately, nothing is working to distract me, and I find very little interest in anything…

@yankeetooter—... “ow” to your first response. That is a sucky place to be. Been there myself, and still return to it at times.
@Neurotic_David—you, sir, are an inspiration. :)

@yankeetooter hrm, that’s not good. I’m not going to be tactful about it – trying to help here. If you’re a well-adjusted adult and you, you know, “have a life” and that life isn’t bringing you joy because you just can’t get over feeling alone, then there’s something wrong. My first response (because it’s just how I’m conditioned) is “wow, you need to be in therapy, because there’s something deep-seeded that’s causing you to not enjoy life right now, and you need to bring it to the surface”. But that’s a bit of a cop out Fluther answer, so I hate saying it. There’s gotta be a better answer than that.

So, I’m assuming you don’t go on dates frequently. If you did, I’d think you’d have phrased the question a bit differently, right? (“I keep dating, but I’m not finding the one who does it for me, and now I feel lonely, blah blah blah”)

So here’s a crazy, off-the-top-of-my-head idea (and trust me, it makes me cringe, too, but bear with me). Have you tried internet dating? The chances it succeeds are low, and its fraught with perils, but you need to get out there and start meeting people. You need to change things up a little, because your day-to-day isn’t working right now, and you’re on an internet question board asking things like “when is lonely too lonely”, which means you’re feeling awfully low. So one way to spice things up is to something totally new; something you’d never, ever try in your day-to-day life. And since we want you to stop being lonely, what better way than to put yourself out there, prominently? :)

Internet dating is not something I’ve seriously thought about before, except in distaste. My sister met someone online, got married, and he’s turned out to be a creep and deadbeat father. I guess I always envisioned knowing someone for a while before starting to date them, but that’s obviously not working out, it it? I’m not exactly a “looker” either, so I don’t think that guys, internet or otherwise, look at me that way…

So I just read your bio. Substitute my therapy idea with talking with your pastor. If you have a good pastor, perhaps you and he can spend some quality hours at a baseball game or at a diner or wherever just sitting and talking a few times a week for a while. He’ll listen carefully, and hopefully give you some good things to think about. You’re lucky, in that you’re part of a church community, and when you need them most, they’ll be there for you. And you’re not doing so well right now, so now’s a good time to avail yourself of their faith and love.

BTW, I don’t know you, but from reading your bio, I want to say you’re a special person. Why? Because you’re a teacher. You’ve sacrificed a lot things to teach children, which is one of the most important jobs a member of society can have. So thanks for being a teacher for 20 years. I appreciate you!

Thanks, but I don’t think talking to my pastor would help…I mainly go to that church still because of being involved in the music program. I have friends at church, but they are always so wrapped up in their problems, that they seem unapproachable. I had one good friend there, but he seems to have grown more distant as time goes on, and I no longer feel like I can talk to him about stuff like this.

Thanks for the postive input on teaching…I’m a teacher’s assistant right now, but am going back to school to get my teaching degree…

@yankeetooter I’m going to type something I’ve probably never typed here before. Ready? (cringes as he types this) You’re wrong. You absolutely should talk with your pastor. Pastors are counsellors, and are there to help cure what ails your soul. He’s been called by god to be your pastor, and you must allow him to fulfill his role in your life. His role is not limited to standing at the dais and preaching to you each Sunday. It’s more, and this is part of it. You’re hurting, and you don’t have to hurt. And he can help you, I promise. :)

Our pastor is not such a good one, @Neurotic_David, and I don’t really feel as if I can talk to him…

Your best bet is to get involved with activities that are meaningful and enjoyable for you. And it’s best to try to find activities that you can engage in with other people. Then you will be leading a happy life, anyway, and you will meet like minded people, whether or not they become your spouse. But you are very likely to find a few great close friends, and if you put yourelf out there a bit (and let these new friends know that you are also interested in romance) then they can help you out with that too. One person in the group always knows some fellow who’s also looking to find that special someone.

So what do you like to do? Needlework, reading, photography, hiking, animals, art, cooking, sports, dancing, crafting, camping, swimming, do it yourself home projects, singing, acting??? All of these activities and many more can be done with groups, whether it’s by taking a class, joining a club, volunteering for a project or forming your own group.

Make a list of 100 activities that are fun for you, then narrow it down to some that are both fun and meaningful and then start figuring out what kind of groups you are going to get involved with.

And please don’t say that you don’t think this will work for you or else you’ll be back at square one. Give this method a try for one year and see what happens. If you give it up after a week or a couple of months, you’re right, it won’t work. You have to go into it with a positive outlook and without desperation. Do these activities for the fun of it. And if you can help somebody else by some of these activities, then that’s even better.

Just don’t pick an activity that forces you to sit at home by yourself.

Oh. Sorry to hear that. I retract my statement then. :(

It’s okay, @Neurotic_David. It’s just that I’ve worked through all of these possibilities and nothing seems feasible right now. I’m hoping tomorrow won’t be so bad…I’ve haven’t had a day this bad in a while…

I appreciate all of your good advice, and I have taken it to heart…right now everything just seems a bit unattainable.

@yankeetooter You have to start somewhere. Just for today make out your list of 100 enjoyable activities today.

Narrow them down tomorrow.

And then the next day go online and start researching what kinds of classes, clubs and projects that are available (most will be free).

That’s 3 days worth of Kardmom led exercises. I know you can do those : )

Was there anything on my list of possibilites that sounded interesting to you at all?

Yeah, @Kardamom. But it’s too much for today…I just want to go to bed when I get home…

I also live alone.It is realy hard for human nature.I can t tell you the solutione for this.It is like to be empty.Like some part of you is missing.Be strong and never give up like me.

@pathfinder, @yankeetooter, I used to live alone. For me it was hard and not something that I would like to repeat. @yankeetooter, I can’t really add much new advice. For me, though, one thing that helped was to join activities where I would have contact with the same people week in, week out. I joined book clubs where I taught on stories, groups that learned to cook yummy food, anything that would require me to go out and talk to people. Having things that required me to interact with other people helped when I thought life was to difficult and was ready to give up.
I will pray for you.

Thanks, everyone…and I’m feeling better today, but yesterday was the roughest day in a long time…

No one likes to hear this,but when you’re down for a long time, your brain chemistry settles into that groove. To kickstart a change, consider talking with your primary-care doc about an antidepressant. Could be temporary, or you could need to continue to keep the euphoria rolling. Half the smart, fun-loving, socialized people here on Fluther are probably knocking back antidepressants joyfully every day.