(NSFW) How do I help my boyfriend to be able to properly clean his genitals?

This is kind of an elliptical way of approaching it, but it’s the best I can do:

There are rape-crisis resources available (I hope that’s true in your area). Men have childhood sexual traumas, even though they’re not as up for discussion as those of women. Without violating anyone’s privacy, see if you can arrange to talk with someone who’s worked with a man (name and etc. withheld) and made some progress with him. Alternatively, you could try the same thing, only in regards to a female (anonymous) client, and ask how you could modify that for a man you know who’s had some trauma.

Gah, I wish I could offer better than that… but blessings upon you for trying to help your poor man get past what is obviously a painful issue. Good luck!

@peridot That thought did cross my mind, but I don’t really would wish for him to have to tell his story fully to someone. He hasn’t even told me in detail.
I would much rather like to educate myself on how I should deal with this problem step-wise..
I already had to leave one boyfriend because the sex wasn’t good, but everything else is good with him.

I was hoping someone who experienced something likely in their childhood, to give me some pointers on what I most definetly should not do, and what I could try.

He trusts me, and I don’t want to do anything to dent his trust.

You could always convince him to take a steamy, sexy shower with you. Then you can be sly and force him to clean it.

@KatetheGreat now that sounds like alot more fun! =D

Wow, re-prioritize here. He clearly is very traumatized from what happened to him as a child so I’d put my issue about his cleanliness on the backburner (also circumcision doesn’t ensure hygiene and the reverse isn’t true either). If he is unable to pull his foreskin for physical reasons, he might need to see a doctor.

With your mouth. (Yes, I’m serious)

Can you show him this thread?

If he is willing, tell him that you have been reading up about certain diseases that he can contract by not keeping his penis clean, and that you are concerned about the fact that he seemed to have trouble pulling the foreskins back, which makes me think that he has sustained an injury (probably caused by the trauma from his childhood).

Tell him that you would like to go with him to see his primary care physican (you may have to make the appt for him), just to chat about the whole thing first, and then see if the doctor wants to recommend that he see a urologist. I think you should go with him, because most men are horribly embarrassed to talk about such things in the first place, so you can have a pre-made list made up, and if he can’t manage to verbablize the problem to the doc, then you can do it. You might even be able to see the doctor privately, while you voice your concerns, then let your boyfriend go in afterwards, privately.

Remind your boyfriend that you love him and care for his well being. And remind him that women have to go see their OB gyns on an annual basis.

Poor guy, I hope it all works out.

Have you ever seen the foreskin fully pulled back? In some cases the foreskin is too tight or the frenulum too short to allow the foreskin to fully retract. (The frenulum is that little bit of skin that attaches the foreskin to glans -funny story I once managed to tear it during particulalry vigorous intercourse. The pain was unbelieveable.) Either way a visit to the doc is in order but there are other treatments than the usual surgical aproach.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Re-prioritize? I made it clear that what happened to him as a child does not influence him currently. If that would be the case, then I would have noticed it in other situations too.
The circumcision-thing was only used as an example.
He’s unable to pull his foreskin back for psychological reasons. And I’m in a better position to help him with that then a doctor he is not familiar with.
Also, due to another experiene, he does not like hospitals.
I had to visit the gynecologist two days ago, and he went with me to the hospital but he didn’t come inside.
He had an accident at work where he got a metal bar in his eyesocket, but he didn’t lose his eye. He had to lie in the hospital, further away from his family, who didn’t visit him alot, for a few months. His left eye is tattooed black. He can still see a bit with it.
So, that’s why I don’t wish to involve doctors or the hospital or anything like that.

@Lightlyseared I think I did, once when he was very horny, he pulled it back himself..
And when I perform oral sex then he seems to have less trouble with it being pulled back too..
So no, it’s not because of the foreskin being too tight.
But thanks for your input!

@whyigottajoin re: your first response: Sorry, I wasn’t clear. Wasn’t suggesting that he get counseling or tell anyone his story. I was thinking researching other mens’ situations—anonymously all round—would help with insights on how to deal with it.

Also, not to sound flip, but there could also be Google, Bing, etc. Just any source where you can get some illumination.

@peridot yes but I wouldn’t know what to google for..? “sexual abuse men” is too broad..
I’m normally good at google-ing stuff but with shit like this I go blank.

@whyigottajoin Just because he doesn’t want to see a doctor, doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to see a doctor. He has a problem, and just by you loving him, that isn’t going to solve the problem, especially since you don’t know exactly what the problem is.

Everyone should get a physical, first when they are a young adult, so that the doctor has a base-line for what his “normal” is. And then when you get to be about 40, you need to get one every year. But your fellow needs to see one now, because he has a problem that needs to be addressed.

He may also need to see a therapist, because he seems to have psychological trauma that has not been dealt with.

@Kardamom If there was a severe problem then yes, I would take him to see a doctor.
but this is not life-threatening, it’s just him not being used to pulling his foreskin back, because it’s not listed as a good experience in his reference-model.
To take him to a doctor for THIS, will only cause more psychological trauma.

I was looking for creative input, like trying to clean it with my mouth, during a hot steamy sexy shower! And I think I’m going to try that. I’ll just get all the nasty stuff in my mouth and then rinse that out of my mouth again with water.. It’s not the most tasteful experience but at least it’ll be clean afterwards.

.

Are you sure the white stuff you are seeing under the foreskin is from your past sexual encounters? Men also have a natural lubricant that forms under the foreskin that is meant to keep the area clean and lubricate the area. I understand that it may not look pleasant, but if it is indeed smegma and not old fluids from the two of you, it’s actually clean and helps keep him from getting infections, keeps the area smooth, soft, and moisturized, and provides a lubricant for sex.

Why is the truth not an option? Both about how you feel and about the health consequences? If you guys can’t talk about this, what will happen when something serious shows up?

To be perfectly honest and blunt- you need to tell him exactly how you feel, or the relationship is not going to work. Ask him if he prefers your jayjay to be clean or if he wants to lick it while it’s dirty.

I don’t understand how you could put your own personal health and well being at jeopardy just to please a man who won’t clean his self up for you. Wake up, clean it up yourself if you need to give him a blow job that bad. But you also need to insist that he see a doctor to get a clean bill of health.

Looks like its condom city for you and him until he figures his shit out.
Get him to a fucking doctor. That level of poor hygiene is dangerous for him and for you. Seriously, it is. No four day old dirty penis is coming anywhere near me, least of all my mouth or vagina.

Christ. I wouldn’t even touch it. That’s just loaded with bacteria, and all sorts of nasty stuff by then. And it will all have been sitting in a moist, warm and dark environment.

I’m actually kind of grossed out physically just reading this thread.

Get some perspective. The only reason you’re putting up with it is because you love him, but at a certain point people need to be pushed in the right direction, not accepted as they are. If he won’t go to a doctor and you both still need to interact sexually, please god use a condom.

I realize he has some trauma to get over, but you need to be brutally honest about this for the good of both of you. Maybe the situation with you can be the catalyst for him to get some healing done.

Seriously though, I would buy some condoms at Costco.

@whyigottajoin You are not a doctor and you have no idea whether his condition is life threatening or not. If his penis is that dirty, he may have some type of infection that you are completely unaware of and that is a perfect way to spread something to you, that could be life-threatening, such as cervical cancer.

And the fact that he is so messed up psychologically about this trauma, that he can’t even tell you the details, makes it pretty clear that he needs some therapy.

He might be scared shitless, but you are the adult in this situation and you have to make sure that he gets taken care of by a doctor. It seems like your resistance to see the truth of this matter is that you are extremely horny and not being able to get what you want right now. Stop thinking about that and think about his health. You have no idea what might be wrong with him and just trying to wish it away is not going to help.

I hate to say this but, “What kind of fool are you?” God! If ANY guy I was with for the first time wasn’t impecably, squeaky clean and smelling incredible, like I am for him, THAT would be the end of it right there! I mean shit! The ONLY kind of people that should need instructions on how to wash their stuff or ANYTHING on their body are children or mentally challenged individuals! Any adult who can’t or even worse refuses to clean themselves before sex, is totally inconsiderate and definitely has something wrong that needs to be addressed by a professional in my opinion. Hope you didn’t have to show him how to wash his ass as well! My God woman…Get a clue!

I’m a guy and I’m real glad I didn’t have to say to you what @shariw said. She is 1000% right. Get a clue, Honey. And I would also raise the issue of what is it in you that makes you feel like you have to fix it. Hell, it’s his body. If he cannot make himself smell absolutely great for you, whatever the reason, drop him.