Can a relationship with an alcoholic in it really work?

It can only work if the alcoholic gives up drink permanently. If he is not prepared to do that then you must leave him permanently.

Get out now, while you still can.
Love makes blind, do not do this to yourself.
You deserve a good man, just like any other woman does.
Do not lower your standards.
You will regret it if you do.

The fact that you’ve stated that he is “inconsistent and rude at times” is the thing that raises the biggest red flag here. Those traits may or may not be caused by the drinking, but my guess is that the drinking makes those traits come out more strongly and more often.

Unless your boyfriend decides to get treatment for his alcoholism, immediately, the situation is likely to get worse. You should let him know that you will begin attending Al-Anon and you hope that he will join an alcohol treatment program. If he doesn’t, you should probably break up with him.

By you attending Al-Anon, you will learn all about what it can be like to live with an alcoholic. They can also help you to try to persuade him to get treatment.

You’ve only been with him a few months?
I know the rudeness and inconsistency is very tempting…but run away while you can. ;)

He will not change unless he wants to change. Don’t sit around and wait for him to change.
Find a man who you feel, you wouldn’t want to change a thing about.

You are smart, beautiful, you’re not poor, and you are well capable of providing for yourself.

Why would you want to put up with someone who is not nice to you and then blames you for his actions?

The relationship can and will work if you put him and his needs always before yours, if you tolerate behavior that only a fool or a desperate person would put up with (like being stood up because he can’t get out of the bar or he’s having too much fun with his friends to leave and join you), if you can put up with him wanting to sit home on a holiday and be miserable instead of going to see your family or whatever you do on holidays, if you are willing to take care of someone who will develop health problems like scirrhosis of the liver due to his drinking too much. Yes, if you are interested in having a relationship with someone like that, it will definitely work out.

Any relationship can work, sure. But you will get sick of this habit and he will get sick of you.

It can “work,” but why waste your energy if you’ve only been together a few months? Find someone with less damaging issues.

Been there, done that, run away. Now.

He’s sending you all kinds of red flags. He admits he drinks too much, but blames it on you. It’s early in the relationship and he’s choosing the alcohol over you. He should be going for you this early. Imagine what it’ll be like after the relationship is developed and the newness wears off. He’s rude at times? He’s not in a place to face his issues, so stay as far away as possible.

Alcohol is already an issue in the relationship; it is not that it is a future issue. Get out now, if you want you can say call me if you ever get sober for more than a year.

The short answer to your question is no. No, it can’t. I’m a recovered alcoholic, and I can tell you beyond the shadow of a doubt that in my drinking days, nothing came between me and my bottle. Period.

@ kardashian, thank you the info ia helpful. @ whyigottajoin, thanks you’re right. I think ita not worth it for what I can hear. Ive only known him for 4 months and started a relationship recently. Its the perfect time to run away. It sounds like a lot of work to deal with id I stay and not sure if I want that. Thank you all. Your info was really helpful.

Two of our biological aunts married men who turned out to be alcoholics. One aunt finally put her foot down, and her husband got help. He has been alcohol-free for years, and they are still happily together. One of their sons is also an alcoholic, and he sought help as well.

The other aunt put up with her beloved husband who turned into a condescending, loud-mouth, and obnoxious SOB when he drank. From what I know, he never tried to change his ways, no matter how much it was hurting not only himself, but his family.

Listen to those that say that you cannot make someone change their own habits. They have to make that effort themselves. Listen to those that tell you that the side you see when he is drinking is probably there anyway; he has just learned how to keep it in check when he is sober. And if you really care about him, the suggestion of attending Al-Anon might help both of you in some capacity.

If it seems like too much to take on, then it is time to walk away. Let him know why. There is the possibility that this might be the wake-up call he needs to take action.

Many alcoholics are very sweet, charming, intelligent people but not when they are drinking. They are generally not inherently evil but the have a serious problem that can make them do bad and evil things. And this guy blaming you for the problems in the relationship is very typical of alcoholics, I think, blaming everyone else for the problems, for their problems. It’s just not worth it. Tell him to come back when he’s been sober for a year. You should get out while you can because they can suck you in and you could be setting yourself up for years, if not decades of misery.

No. And yes. Depends on him.

I would get out now.

An alcoholic can never be a good partner. Just watch – he’ll be “rude and inconsistent” now and it will just be a matter of time before he gets drunk and starts beating you.

You guys haven’t been together that long. You can’t really change him so I would just cut your losses now before you visit anymore into this relationship.

His Significant Other is the bottle of booze…until he gets a grip you will only be the other woman. ;)

Just as @whyigottajoin has said…
Get out while you can and don’t go back!
My mother married an alcoholic who promised her he wouldn’t drink ever again.
20 years later, he’s still an alcoholic and she doesn’t want to leave him (and he refuses to get help).... even if her kids are negatively affected by it.

You don’t know if he’s going to seek help. It’s a bad gamble.

I’ll reiterate the good advice above, get out while you can.
Unless of course you want a relationship filled with pain and suffering. Alcoholics aren’t capable of thinking or caring about others while they’re in the midst of their addiction.

Get the fuck out.

I mean, really? You should know better.

ask @jonsblond

I have personally been in a relationship with an alcoholic. Yes, he was a great guy in every aspect, when he was not drinking (which was not often). If you don’t want to be drained of all your good senses and the person you know as you, you should consider moving on. Trust me.

Thank you. There’s no dubt about it, I want no part in that relatinship. Thanks everyone for the good advise. Many people can’t be wrong. :)

Alcohol will always be his 1st love, his mistress. If you don’t mind being the ‘other’ woman..next to the seductive shape of his bottle or can of choice.

Sooo, if you want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years vying for attention with that liquid temptress….while you gain 40 lbs. because YOUR love and comfort comes in a Chips Ahoy bag, raise the kids by yourself and keep ‘hoping’, that someday he might pick you and the family first, well….live it up in the best masochistic ways you can.

Remove this as unhelpful if you like but a lot of this thread is based on broad generalizations, stereotypes, and bad relationship decisions.

The advice is strong and, for the most part, good but seriously, a dick is a dick whether you add alcohol or not. I know that this is a gray area in the world of black and white absolutes you live in but there it is. It exists. Some folks drink and function well.

plus, didn’t i see half of you dressed up like @yarnlady and shouting about how much fun it was to cut loose and drunk fluther just a couple of days ago?

@Blondesjon not me. And sometimes a drunk dick is a limp dick and not worth two dead flies. tehehe

can you giggle the same way about the bad relationship decisions? :)

Oh hellz yes! I can now. I try to never let life get me down. tehehe

@Blondesjon “Some folks drink and function well.” is just another broad generalization. While that may hold true for some folks as you say, Someone who is abusing alcohol is probably in denial and not only hurting themselves but their loved ones and probably a few good friends too. Functioning well as you put it may allow that person a pass in their own mind, but over time, the consistent abuse of alcohol will take it’s toll and often a very lasting deep and hurtful toll at that.

@Cruiser . . . That is all well and good but how do you define “consistent abuse of alcohol” or base your advice to a woman, about a man you’ve never met, on the phrase “alcohol excess”? Is this the basis that all alcohol/drug evaluations should be made? What are your credentials to make you such an expert?

Who decides how much is too much? You all are condemning a faceless individual based on the words of another faceless individual. How much of it is sound advice and how much of it is plain old self righteous bullshit?

In fact, @allofyou, how much of it his just echoing the tired old bullshit you’ve been fed your whole life in after school specials and “very special episodes of”? How much of it is anger over the fact that perhaps you chose wrong in your life or maybe you had a problem with it and can’t stand the thought of someone else enjoying what you can no longer have? How much of it is just to suck up some lurve by going along with the collective?

There are many, many people who use alcohol that have a serious problem with it. There are also a great deal of people who use it that don’t.

Again, I’m sorry your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/prom date was a dick after a few but don’t take it out on everybody that likes to crack a cold one.

@Blondesjon The original poster defined the terms: he drinks to excess around her, it is already an issue in their relationship, and he does not accept responsibility for his action but blames it on her.

He may very well be a highly functioning drinker, he may not be an alcoholic at all, but for the original poster, the collective advice is to disengage herself now before she gets more involved in a relationship that is already strained by his alcohol use.

@zenvelo . . . Exactly. This is the collective’s advice after hearing just the angry girlfriend’s side of the story.

More importantly, this is the collective’s advice to anyone who posts a one sided question about relationships and drinking. Would you dole out such absolutes in real life after hearing only one side of the story?

@Blondesjon : You wrote, “In fact, @allofyou,...” Did you read the thread?

The OP is looking for help with a tricky situation. While we can’t know all the details of their lives in the short amount of information given here, we can make suggestions based on what is shared. Does that mean we are—as you put it—spouting bullshit or sucking up some lurve?

You also wrote, “Who decides how much is too much?” I’ve learned through 11 years, 11 months, and 23 days of sobriety that people who continue to drink once they’re already drunk have a problem. It’s that simple.

My active alcoholic drinking lasted between 16 to 18 years, and it ruined my life to be blunt about it. I hurt countless people around me. I will be making amends for the rest of my days. One of the ways I make amends is by answering questions like this one on sites like Fluther by sticking to my personal experience with alcoholism.

In my experience, it’s best to get out of a relationship with people who show signs of alcohol abuse as quickly as possible. It doesn’t matter what form that relationship takes. It may be personal or professional or something else.

@Blondesjon Yes, actually, I would dole out the same advice in real life, in fact I have. It’s not a critique or judgment of him, it’s a judgment of the relationship and its ability to be a healthy relationship.

They are beyond that point unless he does something to address the influence of his drinking on the relationship. For all I know she may be a teetotaler, and he just likes a beer or two with dinner; nevertheless it is already an issue.

He doesn’t have to do anything, and she does not have to change her standards, it’s the relationship that is in trouble.

@Blondesjon I know because I am the very person you and everyone here described. I am an extremely high functioning alcoholic who is acutely aware of the turmoil that booze can cause. You want the gory details of what booze can do to these “some folks who drink and function well” I am your man who can testify first hand to what all these other Jellies have warned @Amazebyu all about. What do you want to know?

@hawaii_jake . . . Than you would fall under the, How much of it is anger over the fact that perhaps you chose wrong in your life or maybe you had a problem with it and can’t stand the thought of someone else enjoying what you can no longer have?, part of my thread.

Did you read the post?

@Cruiser . . . But that’s just you. You don’t let Christians and vacuum cleaner salesmen sway your opinion when they “testify”. How is this any different?

I’m not trying to change any minds here. I’m just letting everyone know that I, personally, am tired of seeing all encompassing, self righteous, one sided bullshit like this being passed off as sage words of wisdom.

@Blondesjon : I think my citations of your post are proof enough that I read it.

Your assigning to me emotions or motives that I don’t have reflects more on you. I don’t deny anyone the enjoyment of alcoholic beverages. I don’t even deny anyone the right to become an alcoholic. Drink, if you want to. By all means.

If you want to stop, then it becomes my concern, and if you want help with someone else’s drinking, I can offer words then, too.

[Edit to add: The OP is asking for help with someone else’s drinking, and I offered my personal experience.]

@Blondesjon There is nothing all encompassing nor self-righteous about the facts and realities of what alcohol abuse can and will do…just tragedy and pain. The boozer won’t know this as they are too stoned to really truly give a shit…the people that they pretend to care for and love will and do catch on to the lies and broken promises. Or they will compromise to a point where they are as numb to the problem as the person always raising the glass to their lips. As long as they provide, bring home the paycheck and “get ‘er done” the boozer has all the proof they need they don’t have a problem they need to worry about.

Getting the crap away from an alcoholic when you’re looking for a partner seems to be pretty sage advice to me. Who cares if it’s broad? I’m sorry, but what will someone be missing out on? A shoddy relationship?

“Oh I’m so glad I never listened to those who told me not to get involved with an alcoholic. Our relationship is great! It’s wonderful!”

I’ll eat my shoe before that happens.

May I ask how old you are and how much is excess? Nobody is perfect. You said he’s a sweetheart but rude at times. Doesn’t everyone have their moments? He’s not hitting you or mentally/physically abusive, is he? Do you have issues from your past? We are only hearing one side to the story.

To me this sounds like a young relationship, but if you weren’t completely happy and smitten from day one, you’ll never be happy.

I’m 21 (young) and wouldn’t tolerate lots of inconsistency or alcohol in excess in my relationship.

“Young” relationships need to be held to the same high standards that “adult” relationships are. If you don’t, then that’s when you run into problems.

@seekingwolf I’m generalizing, I’ll admit it. Young relationships don’t have the experience to know that not everyone is perfect. It takes time to realize that unfortunately. Of course this doesn’t apply to everyone, but it does apply to most young people. You and I are the fortunate ones. I was 20 when I met my love of my life. That was 20 years ago and we’re still together.

@seekingwolf

Very wise young grasshopper. :-)
My daughter is 23 and she and her boyfriend drink on occasion, maaaybe every few months they have a little party. I speak from the voice of experience being married to a problem drinker for over 20 years and divorced for 8.

My words are reflective of truth, and I have spent the last decade in my recovery process of codependancy. There can be no intimacy with an addict of any kind, their emotional life is stunted and they never mature beyond the levels of when their addictions began.

My ex was emotionally stunted at about the age of 16. Not easy to be the only adult in a relationship.

@jonsblond, I am 34 and He is 40. We are both divorced w/kids. As a parent it is a big concernt to me to spend my future eith someone who has an addiction. About his drinking routine: everyday pretty much, from wine to hard liqour. He drinks alcohol like water during dinner. In one night while we wore out he had close to 10 drinks, seems pretty much to me. I don’t think I’m exajereting. When he’s on his buzz he is a loving sweetheart when I’m with him. But if he is out and drinking he would sometimes send me rude texts late at night while I’m at home sleeping with my kids. Than he apologizes the next day. He is a parent himself, I haven’t met his kids but when he spends time with then on Saturdays still has a glass of whine at home and stuff. Issues from my past? Not of that kind. Of course I went through a divorce which wasn’t easy but it’s been a decade, not a prob anymore. I never dealt with partners with alcohol or drug problems. That is why I’m asking for advice. And honestly I’ve seen enough through others’ peoples experience that I would not put myself or my kids in that situation. I just can’t take a risk like that. Is not worth it.

@Amazebyu I think you know then what you need to do and what would be right for you and your children. I’m sorry you are struggling with this. I know it can’t be easy.

That’s awful. It really sounds like he has a serious problem. I’m sad to hear that his kids have to deal with that. Yours shouldn’t have to. Please stay away from this man. I’m really sorry.

I think it’s quite clear that you are the one holding on to make things work out while he, most likely, is not that concerned about things. I can understand it’s not easy but at times you need to think beyond the comfort zone and work out things for the good of everyone involved. Alcoholics are usually frustrated about things in life and when they drink they tend to defy those frustrations and usually turn to someone totally different. I think he needs help and unless he’s really committed to give a sincere effort, it’s not going to be easy.

As a recovering Alcoholic and drug addict for 18 years, I must say one thing….if you drink or use any drugs, no, it will not work. You see, what we tell the peeps coming in new to the AA or NA program (where hopefully this person is attending daily), is to stay away from People, Places and Things you used with or at. That’s it. If they don’t follow the program, they will relapse and their life is in danger. It’s not really you, that I am worried about, it would be your partner. If you are not a drinker, then yes, you have a chance of a life beyond your wildest dreams. There is a “magic” that happens when an alcohlic gets clean; a God of their understanding enters the picture. It’s not religion we are talking about here. But we do turn our will and our life over to a power greater than ourselves. It’s a program, I feel, the entire world would benefit from. Read the 12 Steps, and tell me otherwise. Only if your partner enters AA, would there be a shot. xoxo

I have been in a relationship for three years with a man who I believe abuses alchol (maybe someone can confirm or dismiss that for me). This is the first time I have been in a relationship with someone having a substance issue and I am confused as to how to deal with it. He was unemployed and living at home when we met. He has finally, in the last 7mo, found a good job that he seems happy with. Prior to that our issues started with his inability to find time for us… There was always a reason that was out if his control and “just the way it is”. He also never had money to take me out. It’s not that I minded paying, I have a good career, or that I couldn’t work with a busy schedule and only seeing each other one night a week. It was that he could go to the bar, and have money to buy beer and liquor. The one night a week we saw each other turned into a routine of him coming over and having 5–6 beers and 2–3 shots, getting very drunk, and sleeping till 11 the next morning… Then our time together was over till next week. I felt lonely and when I would tell him I was lonely he would say I just needed to focus on the next time I would see him. He didn’t see the lack of intimacy. We would have good times. We share the same kind of humor and creative personality but outings always consist of drinking in some manner and if we ever went out with his friends I insisted on driving because I don’t trust that he will slow down so he can get me home safely. I have been stood up several times for drinking with friends. It took me three years to tell him (and say out loud to myself) that it his drinking that is the issue, that has kept us from getting closer. I broke up with him (this would be the second time) last week and finally told him my concern with his drinking… The biggest issue being he has 2 DUIs. It has been 7 years sense his last one but he has a child that he has custody of (his ex is not a good situation for his child). A third would mean jail, loss of custody, losing his car, his job, never having financial independence. With so much to lose he still drinks and drives. I’ve noticed he has been shaky lately and just doesn’t look well. I want him to get help. I told him this and he said he wanted to make changes. He said he realizes he has gotten into some bad patterns of behavior and wants to change those patterns. He described a life he wants me to be a part of that sounds so nice…. But I can’t help but think he needs help. Simply changing patterns without someone helping him focus and find new behaviors and find out WHY he made those decisions in the first place, it will just return at some point. So I am at this point… Do I walk away? Do I stay if he gets help? Walking away will hurt because I love him but staying would put me at risk for a roller coaster ride, or if he does seek treatment he needs to focus on his health not me. I have three children of my own and am concerned how my relationship will impact them but I love him and letting go of that would be painful. Insight would be greatly appreciated. I feel torn in two directions, the picture he painted and the past experiences I have In my memory.

@DaisyK Welcome to fluther. Until he admits he has a problem nothing is going to change. The drinking and driving really concerns me. He’s putting others at risk so he can enjoy his addiction. I would get out. Not because you don’t love him, but the risks are too high. What if he picks up your children sometime and he’s been drinking?