Why would you voluntarily go into counseling and not tell your therapist the whole truth?

Fear of judgement, being looked down upon, shame, etc. It is just basic human nature.
Instinct tends to override reason.

I just learned a few months ago people lie in therapy. Not only people in relationship therapy, but people in individual therapy also. I was shocked.

I think it ks because they want someone on their side, so they lresent their situation in a way that they believe the therapist will definitely side with them. I see this most with people who feel they have been mistreated.

Just what I gather from what I have observed, not sure if it is correct. I am not even sure they do it consciously.

Human nature for one, and the overwhelming feeling of shame.

Well, it’s awkward because therapists are still people and they’re strangers and no matter how much you hope they would never reveal what you say to anyone, you just don’t have that guarantee.

Fear.

I did, at one point (hide the truth), mainly because I wasn’t able to voice the truth to my therapist…it takes a long time for me to open up to somebody, let alone a stanger…

As @the100thmonkey stated it is just fear.
People that lie to their physicians amaze me too.
People want a miracle cure and expect it to be painless.

People going to couples counseling may try to water down their truths by how they gauge their partner will react. If you know it’s going to be bad (infidelity) you don’t necessarily want to torture them with all your ugly details, right? I’m pretty sure therapists assume you’re lying to them a good percentage of the time also and they hope in time you can find ways to work it all out.

Example:
Bad: Honey I cheated. Several times. Yes, it’s your best friend.
Superbad: We went to gorgeous places I’ve never taken you, sorry. I bought her flowers, jewelry, clothes, car, etc. even though I’ve been very frugal with you.

Simple.

They don’t want to reveal anything that can be used against them later; so it’s fairly obvious the person who holds back doesn’t have complete faith in the long term results of therapy.

Once you put it out there, there ain’t no pullin’ it back.

That’s couples therapy. If a person is seeing a therapist alone, he holds back ‘cause he doesn’t want the therapist to see how screwed up he already knows he is.

I told my therapist everything, once I realized that I could trust him, he was not hearing anything new, he had heard far worse (if you’re being judgmental) and he would never share this info.

This was, however, individual counselng, and when my ex-husband and I were in couples’ counseling, I told the truth but not all of it.

Sometimes there are things you can’t even admit to yourself, let alone a stranger. Sometimes it takes time.

I think its beyond just fear.
I think that in many cases it is shame. It is in that they have not accepted themselves the actions they did.
There also is a sense of not wanting to be looked down on or be told they did something wrong.
These all go against the work that is trying to be done and if they still live in a bubble or retain some things as unsaid is a reflection that they truly are not ready to let go of the reasons they are there for.

Pride can be such a wall to being able to enjoy a fulfilling happy life.

There is quite a difference between covering up things with your therapist and being totally honest with your partner in a couple’s therapy session. There may be some good reasons for dissembling there (such as causing great pain.) I wouldn’t make a blanket pronouncement.

I know someone who has been in therapy for years who has never revealed his pyschopathic side. The therapist thinks that he doesn’t have a problem because he tells him what he wants to hear. Therapy only helps you if your upfront and honest not when you lie about everything and everyone you have hurt. Forgive me if this sounds bitter but it makes me disgusted to know that there are sick, hurtful people out there who continue to do what they do while saying that they are in’‘therapy’’.

This is a great question. I would love to know the answer in my particular situation.

My ex-wife, who had just been diagnosed with bipolar depression based on the little she was telling her psychiatrist, was having an affair with our next door neighbor while she was in counseling. I went with her one session, trying to figure out what was going on with her and us, and to try to help her. Her therapist asked her point blank “are you having an affair?” and she denied it.

We went to marriage counseling after that session, and she still denied having an affair.

When I found a second phone with messages that left no doubt that she was indeed fucking our married next door neighbor, obviously the shit hit the fan. We separated at that point.

A month later she asked me to go with her to see her shrink, I guess in the hopes of trying to fix what had been broken with us, after she slept with the neighbor again. I did, and while we were there, it came out that she had slept with him again. The shrink was caught unaware (but said it wasn’t relevant because we were separated…seriously).

She also had been telling the pyschiatrist that she wasn’t drinking, which doesn’t mix well with the bipolar medicine she’d been taking, and she was and still is drinking.

Anyway, my ex lied to me to protect her affair, but she lied to her shrink and our marriage counselor as well. I know why she lied to me, and I have an idea why she lied to our marriage counselor, but she knew there was something wrong with her which is why she went to the psychiatrist. Why bother going if she was going to lie to the shrink?

One thing that I am getting out of this discussion is that it seems like there are people who go into therapy for form’s sake, not because they want to actually change anything. This might not be entirely hypocritical. Transitions from one form of relationship to another are notoriously difficult. “Playing” at couples counseling can pave the way for “irreconcilable differences” to pop up.

Men are often much more distrustful of therapy than women. So I suspect a lot of men let themselves be dragged to counselling so they can give it the good old college try and then say, “See, honey? It doesn’t work. In fact. It made things worse.” Or a wife could do the same thing.

I’m sure there are other things that people want to figure out that are different from the overt reason for the therapy. Maybe someone wants to try to figure out if they want in or out. In that case, telling the truth about an affair is unnecessary, unless the person decides they want to try to fix the marriage.

My marriage counselor, as I said, didn’t believe therapy could do much of anything unless both parties believed the other was telling the truth. It is generally pretty obvious when someone is having an affair, even when they deny it. The more they deny it, the worse it gets. The denial of truth drives the wedge further and further between people

I guess most people don’t know this, or they wouldn’t try it. They are seeking justification for what they’ve done. Maybe absolution. Maybe they can get away with it.

With single therapy, it is similar and different. When someone is forced into therapy, they have to perform, so they can get a clean bill of health and stop. Oftentimes people are strongly urged by people in their families to go.

However, when you choose therapy on your own, it could still be a performance for others. You show how much of a sensitive person you are. It “looks” like you are doing something. But, of course, you aren’t telling your therapist the truth so you limit what you can get out of the therapy.

I knew that not telling the truth limited what I could get out of therapy. I know that HIPPA regs make it so the therapist can lose their license if they share anything you say with anyone else. I also knew I was wasting my own money if I didn’t put my best effort into it.

Therapy is work. Willingness to go to therapy is a big step for many people. The unfolding and trust sometimes take years to develop. Whenever one reveals an uncomfortable fact to a therapist, it means the person has come to the point of being willing to look at the situation and do work on it. And that can be extremely painful.

A good therapist is one that builds the level of trust and communication so that the client is willing to risk disclosure and become willing to do the work.

It’s not easy to tell others about your true feelings [ not to mention that you share your deepest thoughts with a complete stranger wich sometimes it’s not easy ]

Oh and the trust building takes time [ better make a friend with some knowledge of such things ... it will be cheaper in the long run ]

@wundayatta Your conclusions so far are very interesting to me. This question has been very helpful for my personal life.

@wundayatta and @JLeslie From my own experience, I know that I went into therapy with specific areas I was trying to figure out, specifically trusting my feelings and setting boundaries. As my marriage got worse and worse, I really needed a therapist to give me objective feedback and validation.

But entering therapy was not intended by me to address all my flaws, just the most troubling issues. There were parts of me that I did not want explored. I have been going for a long time, and there are still some things I don’t like to discuss. It’s like “I am doing okay there, no need to make a fuss.”

@zenvelo That is not lying. That is stating you don’t want to explore that area. Unless of course there was a need for concern in the areas you don’t want to talk about.

I was relieve and thrilled to be able to discuss my issues, finally.

Weird! That would be like going to the doctor and lying about your symptoms. If you don’t want to be diagnosed, then why go at all?

It’s really not that strange – holding back the truth that is. Blatantly lying is another thing I suppose. Fear of rejection is probably a huge factor. Shame, as has been mentioned is quite a powerful feeling. I think building up trust is hugely important and most definitely a slow process. Again, admitting something out loud to another person when one isn’t comfortable with it yet is a tough step to take. If a person is telling lies to a therapist, then I suppose there’s a lot of money being poured down the drain!

In some ways, I’m amazed that my attitude seems to be so different. I feel like the psychologist is my employee. I believe that giving them all the information up front provides them the best material for them to help me most quickly. I do things that not a lot of people would approve of, but my therapist is professional and sees her job as to help me avoid hurt and to try to earn more pleasure.

So I tell her all my shit, and she may direct my thinking or she might tell stories about her life that may shed light on my life. I felt like I had to tell her everything or else I’d be wasting my money. I hate to waste money.

I hate lying. But I have done it in couples counseling, quite often at the suggestion of my personal therapist. She didn’t see how telling certain information could help my relationship to my wife. It could only hurt things, and that wasn’t the goal.

So it was interesting. Two different therapists saying two different things. Sometimes I lean one way an sometimes the other. As a humanist, I believe the people I love should have the fullest possible information about me and my behavior. As a selfish person, I want to protect myself and not give out ready-made excuses so someone can beat me up, and I also don’t want to hurt anyone. Sometimes it’s a pretty tough call.

@wundayatta I am pretty much with you. I had a relative tell me her therapist told her it is ok to lie to me. Our relationship and frustrations are not things like cheating, she could simply say she doesn’t want to say or answer a question I might ask. But, her therapist said if I am asking a question that is overstepping what she considers to be private, ok to lie. I used to be very very close to this relative, we spoke all the time and shared almost everything. I think the therapist is an idiot, because I feel I can no longer trust my relative, I can never know if she is telling me the truth or not.

It is probably a little different in your situation, I do think sometimes sharing certain details can only hurt the other person. But, nothing in my case is so severe that it warrants a lie in my opinion. I know when she is lying a lot of the time, and I probably think she is lying when she isn’t because of how she functions now.