What should I say about my cousin coming to live with my family?

I think a lot of it depends on what kind of relationship you all share already. I know as a kid, I would’ve liked living with some cousins compared to others. One set of cousins, I simply did not get along with but I loved my aunt. The other I loved them all except for my uncle by marriage. (he was always drunk), but even then he was always kind to me and my cousins always made me laugh. Another set of cousins, I also loved and adored even though we lived miles apart. Their mom was a bit annoying but they would’ve made great siblings. What I’m saying is that a lot depends on your reception of her. It doesn’t always work. My niece although well received by us did not get along that well with our rules. I’m sure she felt unloved but she wanted to live under our roof with her parents rules (which were non-existant). The rules for her were the same as for our own children. I think you all should sit down and have a talk with her to find out what would be her expectations. Can you ask your parents if its possible to sit with a family counselor and talk things over. Obviously they are concerned for your well being or they would not have asked you all. Nothing wrong with you hesitating and wishing for your family to stay the same.
We all have a role we play in our family and your real issues may be that your not sure what your role would be once she comes.
As I explained to my children. My love and attention will not change. Yes, I did expect them to help out and watch over her as well but only in the same sense I expected to watch over each other. But I really did not expect them to do my job as a parent. We all tried our best but in the end it did not work. Her dad was push over and out of guilt he always gave into her and let her dictate how she wanted things to be so he always interfered. And she felt extremely rejected by her mom and I think that was always the problem between she and I. She always thought my kids were lucky to have me as a mom but she didn’t want a substitute.
If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve probably tried counseling.
But for my children it was a great learning experience. They learned to appreciate what they have and that sharing their love and home can only make their lives richer.
(BTW, my neice was also boy crazy)

You have wonderful parents that, a.) are willing to take a troubled child into their home and nurture her; b.) That they asked their own children for their feedback first.

It sounds as if you have thought through what the pros and cons might be from your perspective. I ask that you also think about what you might be able to do to help your cousin. Her situation does not sound like one that any teen her age really wants to be in. Should she accept your parents offer, she will be stepping into a lifestyle that is alien and already working like a well-oiled machine. It will mean that you will need to (or at least should) take on the responsibility of being a role model for her just like you probably are for your younger sister.

So, what would I do in your situation? Conclude that the brother’s vote doesn’t really count since he is leaving soon and the sister is probably too young to comprehend the change in lifestyle that may occur. I would sit down with my parents privately and talk to them openly about my concerns. They need to hear your point-of-view, as you do on theirs.

Please let us know what happens. My SO and I have discussed offering to take in his nephew, and you may be able to provide advice for us.

I agree your 2nd cousin does need love and at her age she will possibly look for it in all the wrong places. She should not be living with a 21 year old man at her age, and if your parents are serious about being her guardian they should take action now. It was commendable of your parents to ask everyone’s advice on the situation but if you and your siblings said “no”, because your space is being threatened, are your parents going to just leave the cousin out there hanging? Not saying there’s anything wrong with that, you can’t help everyone. But the fact that they even approached the subject is because they care. Put your feelings aside and try the situation out.

I think you sound like a realist. It’s one thing for your parents to think that it would be wonderful to take Charli in because they’re done a great job with you and your siblings, but it’s another to take in a teenager that doesn’t want to be there. If she’s 14 and has a 21 year old man as a boyfriend, then your parents are probably going to be facing parenting issues that they’re not familiar with. The change that Charli is going to have to adapt to because of living by family rules may introduce a lot of conflict into the household. I can see your apprehension.

It’s a wonderful thing that your parents want to do, and it will be a wonderful thing for your cousin. I hope your parents will put Charli into counseling, because it sounds like she has things that she is going to need to work on inside herself to become emotionally healthy. It will be easier for her to do that in a stable home environment.

And it could be good for you, too. It will give you a perspective on how people can better or improve their lives, and the importance of giving of yourself. It will be disruptive to your life, but ultimately, you are not your cousin’s keeper. Which is why counseling for her is such an important part of this equation. She will need you as a friend, and someone to help her make better choices. You will be able to encourage her to develop some of her own interests so that you have separate lives and friends, but set a good example of what that should be like.

It’s a good idea to establish your boundaries with her-what you will and will not do, how you will help, and how you won’t. For example, if you allow her to borrow your clothes one time, it may send her the message that she can do it again and again, especially since she has NO boundaries at the moment. Because she has no boundaries to speak of, you and your parents may also need to take extra care to make sure yours are not violated (a lock on your bedroom for privacy for example, but I wouldn’t take a step like that unless it was necessary).

Take your time and think things through. Counseling is a must for her, and probably for the whole family for at least a period of time. Ask Mom and Dad to set up house rules, and be clear about the consequences. These house rules will also have to be spelled out for you as well, not that you have to have the exact same rules, but that the consequences need to be clear and consistent for everyone.

Well she has sent a text to my dad after they got off the phone when they were talking about it, and she said she would love to come. My dad has rang the school and they said they would take her in get her some aboriginal counselling and extra tutors to help her catch up to anything she is behind in. Dad said she will be here some time through the week, so alot will eb changing in my house.
And @snowberry mum and dad have some pretty strict rules that we follow already and Charli is going to have to obey, except mum said it will be okay for her to bring boyfriends home and in her room but its not okay for us which i dont understand but anyway…

Will she be sharing a bedroom with you? I just wonder because you speak of her being in your space. If your brother will be leaving won’t that create more space again?

I would welcome her with open arms. The only way I would be hesitant in your spot is if the girl was violent. That doesn’t seem to be the case. I wish I had had more siblings, more family around.

@takeachance Wow, that bit about boys in her bedroom is a huge red flag! This girl is sexually active. It would NOT fly in my house (how comfortable would you be having that nonsense going on down the hall from your own bedroom?), and if I were in your shoes, I’d say, “Sorry Mom and Dad, but that’s a deal breaker for me!”

@JLeslie no we have a spare room down stairs which mum and dad will be moving into then i will get mum and dads old room so i have a bigger room.
@snowberry yeah mum knows im not happy with the different rules and she said well i cant do much but she did say she will be puttiner her on the pill.

putting her****

She is not going to live with your parents for the rest of her life. For that matter, neither are you. Living with parents/foster parents is a passage.

Unless your concerns really center around the “space” you are “due” in your family home, or you REALLY do not like her because of her behavior or other reasons, embrace her.

You may get tired of her just as you may get tired of your siblings sometimes. But if “Charli” is a person you care about, just like a pet you care about, she should not be disposable when you feel “tired” of her.

Either you love her and want her or you don’t but face the truth and own up to it.

I can’t imagine she can have boys in her room and you can’t. That makes no sense. Maybe you misunderstood.

@snowberry I don’t think you have be concerned about Charli being a bad influence. A few days ago my sentence to @takeachance was, “please please don’t give that boy head, he doesn’t care about you, he isn’t even your boyfriend.”

@takeachance “some aboriginal counselling”? is this an oblique character assessment?

wat does ‘oblique character assessment’ mean?

@JLeslie Actually I’m more concerned for the safety of the rest of the house. This girl is likely to bring home anyone who would bed her, and she could bring home drug addicts, thieves, gang members, you name it. It’s unlikely she’d stop at just high school boys, but take on men as well. This is an unacceptable situation.

For crying out loud, people! Think!

@snowberry just so you know she is not into the drugs or alcohol or any bad people just she is a bit of a sl*t.

@takeachance Is your mom home during the day? Or, are you and your siblings on your own after school.

Isn’t it against the law for a 14 year old girl to have sex with a 21 year old man where you live? Does Charli profess to love this guy?

My mum is home all the time she works from home so yes when we come home she is there. And yes it is illegal but under mum and dads roof they wont be having sex, but she will still allow her to have guys in her room. Im not sure how that will work but i guess my parents will figure that out.

That makes no difference if she’s into drugs or not. She’s a slut, as you said, and will bring anyone home who will go to bed with her.

It’s unsafe for the rest of the family…But if you and your parents are OK with that, who am I to steer you away?

@snowberry Gawd, she is 14. She is acting out. Hopefully once she is in a stable home she will calm down. The mother is home and will see who Charli is bringing into the house. If she continues to be a mess they can kuck her out, but I think give the girl a chance. She doesn’t really know what he is doing at such a young age.

First, give her a chance.

Second, get her away from her 21 year old boyfried. Sex between those two is rape of a child and I hope this never happens.

Yep. She does not know. And she is acting out. And children who do these kinds of things can bring danger to a family. For crying out loud. She’s already lived with a man. At age 14. That’s called a pedophile. She’s allowed to have guys in her room. What are they going to do? Say, “You can’t go in there unless we see your ID?” She will invite ANYONE in there. And we already know she likes the older ones (pedophiles). As much as I’d like to help this kid, I’d not be having her in my home. But to each their own.

I understand your parents compassion but this could be a disaster for your little sister, especially if she looks up to her.
The Beatles were overstating things when they said “All You Need Is Love”

I’d tell your parents now how much you appreciate them and feel good about your family dynamic. So many kids don’t talk like you do about your siblings and parents. Tell them you think it’s a wonderful idea to want to reach out to your cousin and offer her the environment you all share but also the fact the cousin is almost guaranteed to bring chaos to you all to where your lives as you’ve enjoyed them at home will not ever be the same.

Your cousin is 14 but she’s already having sex, crossing age boundaries and the fact your parents will allow her to bring boys/men into your family home- I think that’s dangerous. Your entire family and your previously stable, safe home (assumptions here) will now be open to strangers with actions and values your parents haven’t approved for you and your siblings. You will have no idea which visitors are druggies, thieves or abusers but any man who will flaunt the laws to have sex with a 14 year old? I’d be wary.

Yep to @Neizvestnaya You said it right.

@anartist

Regarding the use of the term aboriginal: I’m assuming (from language inferences) that the OP is most likely Australian, rather than American.

I think she means the word in it’s very literal sense in that the girl is of (partial or whole) Aboriginal descent and that the school most likely has special counseling services in place aimed at that population to get them up to speed academically.

At least, that was my take on it. If I’m incorrect in my interpretation, I’m assuming the OP can set us straight.

You might want to ask your mom if she understands the example having the 21 year old boyfriend in the bedroom sets for your little sister. I’m not sure how it is where you are, but a 21 year old man having sex with a 14 year old girl is statutory rape, and an adult who is party to allowing that can face legal consequences as well.

@BarnacleBill Absolutely! Excellent point!

@Buttonstc you are correct, she is an aboriginal and there is special help out there for us (i am aswell).
Also when she moves down here her boyfriend will not be coming. She will be going to the same school as me just a year below so i can watch who she hangs out with and what she does. Mum also just said before when we were talking that when she has guys over they cant be alot older then her so like 15/16 yrs old at the most and when she does that their door MUST remain open.

And may I add that if she’s home, there needs to be an adult home? The reason why is that she would quickly learn to invite her guys over when your folks aren’t home, and then you’d have to deal with it on your own. Not a good scenario.

The OP was concerned about sharing her space and it seemed sharing in general. Parents time, her own time. Somehow this thread turned into advice that should be targeted at the parents if they were even interested.

If the parents don’t already have a clue that this child will need boundaies and rules, then the household already probably has some problems. But it seems like they do. It seems like they are trying to help Charli out of her situation, and Charli seems willing to leave this 21 year old guy and her circumstance, even wants to.

I say let’s give the parents credit for knowing some of the things to watch out for, applaud them for their generousity, and hope for the best.

What if this was a good girl who lost her parents, and @takeachance‘s family is thinking about taking her in, then how does everyone answer the OP’s question? The answer is, you help family. The OP sounds a little selfish to me. I don’t think she was all worried about Charli’s sexual antics when she wrote the question, or if untrustworthy people might be brought into the house.

@JLeslie I sure hope so. I didn’t exactly get that impression when she first stated her question. But the truth is the people who were/are concerned have good reason to be, and she got excellent advice.

mum will be home all the time and she would be having to ask to have people over.
to make the situation worse dad just go off the phone to her and she thiks shes pregnant. mum and dad are now thiking that they might not take her in if she is going to be sleeping around and have a baby on the way. my parents are now thinking that it isnt a good idea cos it wont be a good role model for my lil sister and for our family

That does happen, and it doesn’t mean she will continue to sleep around. But it does complicate things for your family. It sounds like she needs a stable place to be more than ever. She is still just 14. She will need help being a good parent, and in finishing growing up herself.

Dad was also saying having both parents – a mother and father, will help her lot because she has only ever had a mum, who isnt even really her mum its her great aunty. (its complicated)