Why do men "test" women?

It’s not a “man” thing, it’s a “people” thing, and an unhealthy one at that.

They want the woman to prove to more and more challenges that she’s not going to mess him over. What usually happens though is the woman begins to think the guy is a real jerk and ditches him in favor of a guy who doesn’t feel the need to test.

This was the scenario for a little bit with my now fiancée. He’d been horribly taken advantage of, betrayed, humiliated and hurt by his ex and so I was the testing ground for his recovery into faith again. It wasn’t the fun part of our courtship and I flat out told him I was not deserving of that kind of treatment and more and more driven to throw in the towel and give another guy a chance.

Like mad scientists, people usually stop testing at some point and make a judgement and/or discovery. Those who play games really gamble on losing the respect and trust of good people. Kind of that self fulfilling prophecy thing.

Neizvestnaya, you knew what I was talking about without even saying so. I am the testing ground, and it has been making me upset so I think I’ve become cold and now he’s gving me the silent treatment. I feel like I should talk to him about not feeling he needs to “test” me, but I don’t know how without making him feel upset.

I don’t think most men are testing their girlfriends and wives by showing other women attention or by acting disinterested. I think when most men do these things it means that they “just aren’t into them” that much. Women, on the other hand are more likely to “test” men by playing those kinds of games. Men usually just don’t care whether or not the women that they are sleeping with are in love with them or are comitted to them. Women usually do, and if they think they aren’t getting mutual love and respect, they will often resort to games. The kind of games that men play are usually of the nature of convincing their wives and girlfriends that they are faithful, when they really aren’t. But it’s not to test them, it’s just because they are horny and really don’t care that much.

Because they don’t feel secure in their relationships, in themselves.

The same reason women test men.

Why do women test men? I think it is stupid when women think that men are horrible and women are angels.

I’m going to give you some advice from a mishmash of anecdotal evidence I have gathered over the years. Men (myself included) are really simple. We don’t really play games or try to manipulate people. It really is that simple. Don’t over-think this plate of beans and a frank. Men rarely play games unless it is on a XBOX.

If he is flirting he is probably flirting.

@Kokoro: It’s so much easier to speak up and tell him it’s making you nuts that he can’t just relax and enjoy what builds between you two. Don’t let it ride because there are so many things he’ll just spin out on, thinking you’re not getting what he’s trying to convey, thinking maybe you just don’t care enough to pay attention, blah blah. Tell him you really like him (if you do) and because you care, you want to talk these things out.

It’s the availability principle at work. People value something more when they can’t get it or when someone else wants it. Both men and women exploit this principle to attract a romantic partner, because it works!

@lonelydragon: Does it really? I always found it built contempt which is scary when it starts to weigh against how much you think you like that person.

Dating sucks but a good relationship feels like it negates all the BS.

@Neizvestnaya You raise a good point. I suppose I should’ve clarified and said that it works on many, but not all, people. This isn’t a representative sample, but it seems to me that younger people are more likely to to respond to this technique, as older people are generally tired of the whole ”(s)he likes me, (s)he likes me not” game.