Does comfort make us forget our manners?

Yes. Hopefully not reaching a point that the saying “Familiarity breeds contempt” is reached.

Was he suggesting that you need a week at the beach? Pack the bags!

Familiarity can cause people to forget that when the unspoken thought becomes spoken, it isn’t always well received. Of course your legs are pale – it’s spring, and you have other things to do than go to a tanning bed all winter.

@BarnacleBill ooh, a vacation would be phenomenal! I like the way you think.

Ha… are you sure he wasn’t looking at my legs? He’d have added, “Hairy, too”, if so!

It’s true, we do tend to be less mindful of our manners with those closest to us. Even stuff like going to the bathroom or farting in front of your spouse. Before husband #2 and I got married, we decided to never get to that level of comfort with one another. So far, so good! It takes an effort, though, to maintain that courtesy with each other. It’s a bit of a trade-off, too. I mean, let’s face it, there’s a certain freedom that comes from not having to censor yourself. It can even be fun! Still, it’s been interesting to see how this marriage is playing out compared to my first. I’d definitely say we show each other more respect than husband #1 and I did.

@augustlan I can’t pretend that I’m innocent in this. I’m fairly certain that something along the lines of “is that a woodland creature on your face, or do you just really need to shave?” has come out of my mouth at some point.

@ANef_is_Enuf I’m certain we’re not perfect in this regard, either. A fart here and there has definitely slipped out. :p

No. You don’t forget them, you actively disregard them for something better. Manners are a social contract to keep people from accidentally hurting people they don’t know well. If you know each other well, you can create your own contract between just the two of you, instead of sticking with a one-size-fits-all version.

My husband definitely does it to me. He tells me when he sees a grey hair, if I am gaining weight, when I don’t stand up straight. Gawd, I do live with my mother. Thank goodness he also tells me I look beautiful, when he likes my outfit or my make-up. I guess he hands out enough compliements that it balances things. Plus, I do want him to tell me some of the negatives he tells me; I think with the people we trust the most we can hear it, because we know they mean no malice.

However, I don’t like being told I look really white or pasty. I am very pale, and I always feel bad about it. I ruined the skin on parts of my body trying to be tan when I was younger. My husband has a gorgeous skin color, darker than mine, and I look like I am glowing practically in many photos with him. Sometimes the makeup makes it worse, because SPF can make you appear much whiter. Sometimes I see women with very pale skin and they look beautiful, but I never feel that way about myself.

Well, if farting whilst sharing a bathtub with the wife counts, then i’m guilty as charged. “Ooh, look at the bubbles darling!”

Instant jacuzzi.

@MyNewtBoobs put it very well. When you don’t know where a person’s sensitivities lie, you have to be very guarded with your comments. But as you learn what the other’s particular vulnerabilities are and what they’re more cavalier about, then you have a map of the mine field, so to speak, and can tread more confidently on areas you might have avoided before.

This is important because while that generic social template keeps us from stepping on each other’s toes, it’s also a barrier to intimacy. And frankly, the more one feels one has to “mind one’s manners” in a relationship, the more energy is required to sustain it. Being around people who have lots of “no go” areas can be exhausting in the long run because it demands a high level of attention. Going to a black tie restaurant is fun every now and then, but you wouldn’t want to eat every meal like that; most of the time, you want to be able to eat in comfortable clothes, not worry about the rules, and just enjoy the food.

When you’re dealing with someone you don’t know well and they transgress the conventions of civility, you have no historical context for interpreting that behavior. It makes you wonder what that person’s motives are, and you may suspect that this person is generally uncaring about the feelings of others and so not to be trusted. But when some little faux pas can be situated in the context of a long history of caring words and actions, then it’s less likely to raise red flags.

The key to your question has two answers:

1. Think before you speak

2. Know which buttons to NOT push with your mate

My wife accepts compliments from me very well. She has tender feelings, so I have to think before I speak. I have been known to put my foot in my mouth and say exactly what is on my mind. As I have progressed in years, wisdom has taught me which buttons not to push with my wife.

Its not being too comfortable with each other, instead, its respect that needs a refresher course.

@john65pennington -Well said :)

Morning Lucy!!.

@john65pennington Hey John! Good to see you! You always brighten my day :)

It could. I like to think comfort opens us up to speak our minds as long as there is good intent behind what we say. For example, I ask my guy to let me know if he ever sees something in my teeth or nostrils and I do the same for him along with zipper watch and dirty nails, that kind of thing. We also have agreed to be honest with each other about fluctuating weight as we age but short of insult. It’s probably a fine line with most couples.

@noelleptc You could have GERD, which my sister had starting when she was a infant. She could belch significantly louder than my father at age 3, and there are quite a few stories of her having some random projectile vomit issues because of it. Sometimes, like with her, it gets better after a couple decades, other times, not so much.`

@noelleptc your mom sounds like a sweetie. ;)