A teacher "Call me by my first name otherwise I feel old" What is more important, students right or his issue?

First, I find it ludicrous that a student has a “right” to call a teacher what the student wants to call him/her.

Second, you should always address someone the way they want to be addressed. That’s simple common courtesy.

Ask if you could all him sir rather than Mr…

I do feel it is important to call teachers by their surnames, unless you are a mature student. I think I would have felt strange calling my lecturer Mr… or sir, when I was 25 and he wasn’t much older!

Personally, I feel it’s a mark of respect for a teacher, and draws the bounderies between student/teacher

As a student, I would choose to defer to what my teacher feels comfortable with, especially if they point it out/request it.

@MrItty a student shouldn’t have to contemplate his issue. The teachers job is to show by example what boundries are how to not burden others with your issues. I mean I’m talking making a big deal of it, spending a lot of time on it. That is inappropriate. He is in a power position. If the message he sends is “Call me by my first name or I willl be mad at you” that is wrong. Leave out the word “right”, if that helps.

@sakura I couldn’t have put it better myself. Boundries are important.

@Neizvestnaya it is the insistance the pressure that is the problem.

When someone asks to be called by a certain name,that is what I will call them by.
I don’t see the big deal at all.

How old are the students? What type of school is this (traditional or progressive)? Do other teachers asked to be called by their first name?

Everybody calls each other by their first name these days. I think it’s a good sign that some teachers are doing the same.

@flo it seems that he’s not asking you to contemplate it. He’s saying, “Call me, X instead of Mr. YZABC.” Out of respect to him, and out of politeness, you should call him X. If that’s uncomfortable for you, just use the term mentioned by @sakura: “sir.” If you have a question, just say, “Excuse me, sir, but could you explain that again?” Or whatever the request may be. It’s polite, it gives you the boundary you want, but it’s not calling him “Mr. YZABC.” Really, nothing to contemplate.

For what it’s worth, he didn’t need to tell you that it makes him feel old to be called mister. But it’s also nothing for you or your classmates to worry about.

@flo You are taking him way too seriously. I doubt that his saying “otherwise I feel old” was him confessing some deep-seated psychological issue with which he needs your help. It’s an off-handed way of expressing that he is more comfortable being called by his first name. If you have some sort of deep-seated psychological issue with doing so, talk to him. I’m sure he’d be willing to accommodate you.

How much time is “spending a lot of time on it”? I’m not sure how asking a class to call him by his first name is inappropriate. Maybe he spent a few minutes discussing it so everyone would understand his position and be comfortable with calling him by his first name so there would be no questions later as to why he wants to be addressed as such.

@flo: Why students would take issue with how their teacher wishes to be addressed is beyond me. I thought people would have enough respect to at least bend to how another wants to be addressed. Why is this such a problem? If students are picking nits over something like this then I worry how they’ll ever get along outside of school.

You don’t have to like someone in order to show them professional/social courtesy in front of others.

I’m also curious what age group this is, but in the end, I think the teacher should be called what he/she wants to be called. The teacher needs to be shown some respect here.

Ih the urban Quaker school where I spent many years, there was a comfortable way of calling most of the faculty, particularly the younger ones, by their first names.

This sprang from the egalitarian tradition of not using honorifics but addressing teachers as master Stanley, brother Fred or sister Gail.

All the students called me Gail. I and everyone felt comfortable. It helped that I had my two kids and my three step-kids there so knew dozens of students informally and outside the school setting.

Personally, I’ve never had a good experience with a teacher that wanted to be called by his first name. They were usually the type to think that they had to be cool with the kids to be liked and usually were the ones who taught the least because they were more caring about what the kids thought than the topic they were there to teach.
I think if a child is taught that it be respectful to call an adult Sir or by their last name or whatever to show respect than I don’t think its the teachers place to over-ride what is taught at home as being polite. So long as the child isn’t calling him anything other than his name or Sir, I don’t see how that is impolite.
My daughter had a teacher like that, who gave her a hard time about calling him Mr. in front of his last name and he wanted everyone to call him by his first name. I told her that if he insisted than he was to call her miss followed by her last name. He did and the rest of the kids started to wonder why she was special. So he had to let it go and let her call him Mr. and his last name.
He asked me later what was the big deal. I told him that she is never to think of teachers as being her equal. They are to always be shown respect and by never thinking of him as a friend she won’t make the mistake of stepping out of bounds. Plus if a teacher is your equal than you must have the same knowledge and he has nothing to teach her that she doesn’t already know.
I never allowed my children to call me by my first name. Mom is the name I earned when I pushed their heads out of my privates.
I was their mom first not their best friends. Friendship didn’t come till later when they were grown. We all have roles to play and a teacher is their to teach not make friends.
Ever wonder how some teachers end up sleeping with the kids they teach? I bet it started with their first name.

@Pandora I’ve had a different experience. I don’t think it has anything to do with being equal, but being more human. Haven’t you had a boring stiff for a teacher that just recited from the text book? My teachers that liked to be called by their first name were teachers that made the classroom experience more interesting. It was refreshing, which made me want to learn from them, not fall asleep. and how many children want to call their parents by their first name? that’s a first for me

@Pandora That’s a bit of a generalization. There are different kinds of teachers, and a lot of different teaching environments. I teach philosophy, but I am a graduate student. Plenty of students feel more comfortable calling me “Mister,” but I have also told them it’s fine to use my first name. They wouldn’t do that with the professor who conducts the lecture part of the course, but they can do so with me.

Similarly, I call my professors by their first names—at their insistence. This is because I am both a student and a colleague to them. Indeed, one might think that in my discussion sections, I am both teacher and colleague since I am still a student just like those I am instructing.

And I’m definitely not trying to sleep with any of my students, thanks.

@flo I agree. A student shouldn’t be contemplating it at all. The teacher tells you “I want to be called this”, you call him this. End of contemplation.

My mother told me this story; I don’t recall it.

When I started kindergarten I was the youngest kid in the class, having just made the age cutoff date. As it happened, the primary kindergarten teacher was a neighbor of ours, and had at least one kid in the class with us. When the class started she introduced herself to all of the kids as Mrs. Grubbs.

Apparently at some time during the first few days of the class I was trying to get her attention, and failing, so I just called out from one end of the classroom to the other, “Hey, Grubbs!” I guess that got her attention.

Mom laughed when she recalled that story, to the end of her life. I wish I could have remembered it.

I’m with @MrItty on this. There’s a default form of address that we’re taught when we’re young in how to address superiors, including teachers and others in positions of authority over us. The default should be used unless that person requests a modification. Otherwise, ‘Ms.’ never would have caught on, for example.

The key thing is that it is him who is making it the thing to rememeber very well. He can just say “My name is Mr. ...... .” (both names). and that is it, just like most teachers do. But if he introduces himself on the first day and he spends time saying “I don’t recognize my last name”, “I feel old” that is different. It is not like either way he is okay with it. A student shouldn’t have to spend a second thinking why he got an B minus instead of a B on an essay.

I love your answer @Pandora. It saves so much energy.

@flo What does the grade have to do with anything? I see no reason to think he’s going to grade anyone lower for using his last name. And quite frankly, a student who doesn’t spend time thinking about why he got a B- instead of a B is a bad student. Perhaps the grade was expected, but it’s worth looking at whatever comments were given and seeing how to improve. So again, I don’t get your point.

One of the answers sounds like someone who would punch you out if you called him by his last name. See that doesn’t even sound like exchange of ideas

@SavoirFaire “Plenty of students feel more comfortable calling me “Mister,” but I have also told them it’s fine to use my first name” If you know they are more comfortable calling you by Mister .. then why would you tell them that they can call you by your first name? It is not like they didn’t know right? They are just more comfortable. The teacher has the power position.

I have a feeling there is more to this story than what the teacher wants to be called.

We live in a society where social norms are somewhat fluid. Some people think that formal relationships are important to maintain and that there should be no fraternization—which, is, I think, a military concept. I have found that most people who call me sir have a Southern or military background.

There is a charming tradition I have found amongst blacks who have come North after growing up in the South. Instead of saying Mr. Atta, they will say, “Mr. Wundy.” For the longest time this bothered me when the Starbucks barista called me Mr first name. Finally I asked her where this came from, and she told me that she was from the South and that it seemed to arise out of a need to have something between formal (Mr. last name) and informal. This way they could use your first name, but also add a little formality. A nice compromise.

Personally, I hate the idea that some people are more equal than others. I think that as human beings, we are all equal. Calling each other by first names recognizes our essential humanity. None of us are slaves or subordinate to anyone else based on birth.

I also think that it is entirely appropriate to recognize expertise or knowledge of others and to respect that. The respect, however, is not indicated by forms of address. It is indicated more complexly when you establish your bona fides by demonstrating your knowledge.

I never assume that someone’s title means they are good at something. They have to prove that to me through action. Similarly, I never expect someone to assume I’m any good at anything just because my title says something. I expect to prove myself to a kid as much as I do to the President of the university.

I think respect for knowledge and skill is born out of equality. To automatically respect someone for knowledge or skill that appears on paper is foolish. I believe we should respect others as humans from the beginning. But to respect them for some skill or ability must build on the initial presumption of equality.

@wundayatta I don’t think “My name is Mr. ....” and then moving on to the next thing leaves an impression on the students that the teacher thinks that we are not equal to him as human beings. On the other hand if he makes us call him by his first name then…

@jonsblond The teachers who were effective we so because they were talented as teachers don’t you think? I had a lot of teachers like that and they were all called by their last name.

I am often very happy for my students to call me by my first name. In certain settings I may want to create an environment where we are all adults, sharing ideas in a respectful, equal way. It isn’t about being familiar but more about encouraging a respectful space where adults can equally share ideas and information.

I think however to answer this question, we need more information. Someone has already asked how old the students are and I think this is a key piece of information here. If we are talking little children, who are learning about protocols in an education setting, it might be better to stick to using honorifics, but if we are talking about teenagers or adults, not necessarily so. It comes down to the teaching environment, the people involved and the individual teacher’s style. Using a person’s first name in no way suggests the requirement to behave respectfully is removed. I agree with @SavoirFaire too. The “it makes me feel old” was probably just a throw away line. I have probably used it myself because at times, rather than being referred to as Dr xxx, I want students to feel able to use my first name and to see me as approachable and to set the scene as a mutually respectful arena.

@flo I would love to hear the answers to the questions I posted earlier. I think that might provide assistance in answer the questions to the specific scenario.

I agree @Pied_Pfeffer. I should have scrolled back and mentioned it was you that asked this.

There are tons of ways to maintain formality and ensure healthy boundaries without having to call someone by their last name. Calling someone ‘Mr. Doe’ is simply a socially agreed upon way to show respect – it is not respect itself. You’re insisting that without this tree, there is no forest – I promise you, there is.

@Pandora There are teachers who sleep with their students who prefer the intimacy of calling someone by their first name, but there are also those who sleep with students and get off on students recognizing their authority. Either way, it’s a bit like saying that if a male is white, 35, has some anger issues, and lives with his mom, he’s also a serial killer because he fits the profile.

I’ve been agreeing with @jonsblond since before she made her comment. We keep seeing more and more ‘attitude’ applied to this, in terms of ‘force’ and ‘questioning grades’ and ‘feelings’ and ‘exchange of ideas’. There’s more (and more with every response from the OP) to this than is in the question.

Call people what they request that you call them and move on.

@flo Is there anyone else you insist on calling by a name they don’t like? Because that seems like actually being disrespectful to them instead of using it as a way of respect – you’re saying that respect happens your way, and this relationship is a one-way street – your way street. But seriously, is he forcing you to call him this? It seems from your details he only said it the once. You can question your grades all you want – if you’re someone who looks for a personal reason why your grade was low, you’ll find a way even without him asking to be called by his first name.

Calling anyone by something other than what they want to be called by is disrespectful.

Some people seem to have this idea that there is a set definition of disrespect and that it can never change, even given unique circumstances. Calling someone something they don’t prefer to be called is not “respectful” because it honors social norms, it’s quite the opposite.

It’s up to the person who is being addressed, especially if they are an authority figure.

I remember I had a professor last year who said “You can call me Professor Lastname or you can call me Firstname. But don’t call me Mrs. Lastname. I’m not your high school history teacher” and I was just like ”dayum…”

@SavoirFaire I meant the remark more of a snide remark about teachers sleeping with their students.
I did always find that the teachers who weren’t trying to be my buddy taught me more and the same went with my kids teachers. As @flo stated there is the added concern about why one student may get a grade better than another. Originally that is what happened with my daughter. The teacher didn’t like that she didn’t feel comfortable calling him by his first name (btw, she was also a very shy student but always did well in class) and as a result he would grade her harsher than all the other students who thought he was cool. She was shy but she still stuck to her guns and wouldn’t compromise. The way I found out what was going on was because one day she wasn’t allowed to participate in class because she refused to call him by his first name. He said that her behavior was disruptive because she refused call him by his first name, so he gave her detention and of course it was a mark against her on her report card. She was very upset and told me but didn’t want me to get involved. She didn’t want her teacher to hate her more than he already did.
But no matter the reason. A teacher is there to teach. If his little personal ideas about feeling old when a student calls him Mr. or by his last name bugs him, than he needs to get over it an not take it personally. If someone wants to call me Mrs. or miss, or Ms. or by my last name instead of my first, I would not take it personally. Now, if they call me a cuss word then I would. But I don’t understand why calling someone by their last name would be offensive. It is still your name. I understand if you have a weird name like Butthead (I know its not a real name) than I can understand them prefering to be called something. My kids friends always called me Mrs. C.
I like to reserve my first name for people who are familiar with me. Friends, family and co-workers, and neighbors.

@Pandora

How does a teacher wanting to be called by their first name indicate that they’re not there to teach? Some people just prefer to be called by something else. It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re trying to be “cool” and aren’t an effective teacher. Everything you’re saying could also be said for the flip side. People should call the teacher by what they want to be called and get over it. It’s not offensive.

@Pandora Have you considered that maybe the issue wasn’t the first name, but rather that your daughter refused to show him the basic respect he deserves as a human being? Or that maybe she deserved the grades she got based on her academic performance, not because of what she called him? You seem to be letting one bad situation be representative of the whole.

Is the OP the one in this situation or asking in regards to a situation involving someone else? I seemed to have missed this.

Overall, I believe people should be addressed by the name/title they prefer. I can see where this could be grey area in a school system or other structured child/adult situation, though.

The answer depends heavily on age and school level. If this is in college, how about “Professor”? If this is at the high school level and it is bothersome to the point of distraction, the principal should be involved to get the issue resolved once and for all – obviously, the parent should be the one to tackle this if the child is younger or is the one who is upset about it. Unless the child in college – if that is the case, the parent needs to butt out.

@flo I’ve put two sons through high school and I have a daughter in elementary school. I also have a college degree. I’ve dealt with talented, effective teachers wanting to be called by their first name at all grade levels. Not once did any student question whether they should call the instructor something other than what the instructor wanted. btw, my name is Janet. If you call me Jan, I’ll correct you. :P

@jonsblond You seem like you’d have just the right amount of spunk in correcting someone, too. Now I want to call you Jan, because I’m a bit kinky like that ;)

@MyNewtBoobs How is it to call a teacher by their last name or Mr or Ms, or Miss followed by their first name or what have you not treating someone as a human. When I say Mr. or Mrs or Miss to someone, I do not say it to be disrespectful. I can see if you know this person for some time and was already calling them by their first name and then you change it to be more formal, how that can then be considered a slap in the face and disrespectful, but if that was never the case than I don’t see how that would be. The only other acception I can see is if the person is a transgender and they feel they are one sex vice another. In which case calling them by their last name would be fine. But in this case it is simply because the teacher feels old if the kids treat him more formally. I am assuming the teacher in this case is teaching elementary students. And it may be the case the kid in this situation doesn’t feel comforable in using his first name.
So the teachers right to feel comfortable in this situation supercedes the students right to feel comfortable doing what they feel is right?
As for college anything goes, simply because a student is their of their own volitition. In Elementary kids must go to class and have less choices. In college if you don’t feel comfortable in a class you can usually transfer out or in some cases teachers only require students to hand in assignments and take exams to pass. They don’t have to be present everyday.
Anyway guys this has been interesting but I’m tired and must go to bed.

@Pandora The OP mentioned essays, so I doubt it’s elementary. I asked the OP what grade she is dealing with because this is usually the case with older students. Most elementary schools have all the teachers called the same way. In the town we just moved from the teachers were called Miss Julie or Miss Sarah. This was in kindergarten, at an elementary school. My daughter is now in first grade at a different school and all the teachers are called by their last name.

@flo I tell my students that it’s okay to call me by my first name before I know their preference. They don’t typically talk before I do on the first day of class, after all. I learn that they prefer to call me “Mister” because they do it despite the fact that I said it was okay not to when class began. And in fact, they don’t know it’s fine until I tell them. I have several colleagues who insist on being called by their last name whether they are dealing with students, professors, or the department’s administrative staff. They are typically older, though some of them just have self-esteem problems.

By the way, I agree with several of the other respondents: if there is more to this situation than you are letting on, it would be rather helpful of you to let us know.

@Pandora You may notice that I only responded to the comment about sleeping with students in a whisper. It is the bulk of your post that I find to be an over-generalization, and I think the same goes for your response to me. I’m not trying to be anyone’s buddy when I let my students call me by my first name. It’s quite common for graduate teaching assistants to be called by their first names. That’s how it was when I was an undergraduate, and that’s how I operate now. In part, it seems to be a concession to the fact that I am an assistant in the class: I am a person without a PhD who handles discussion sections on behalf of the fully qualified professor who is running the course.

Moreover, my professors ask me to call them by their first names not to be friendly, but as a mark of respect. They are treating me as a colleague and an equal. The one professor who insisted that I call her by her first name was teaching me a lesson: you are in graduate school learning to be a professional, so act like a professional; if you act like an amateur, you’ll be treated like one. It was a good lesson.

Using a single teacher with whom your daughter had a bad experience simply doesn’t make the case for anything. In fact, I’m not exactly sure what you’re even trying to argue. Yes, your daughter had a bad teacher. That doesn’t mean every other teacher who has any similar behaviors is bad. He probably ate cereal for breakfast from time to time, too—should we all be wary of cereal-eating teachers, then?

@Pandora I hate, hate, hate my full name. If you call me by it instead of my nickname, even when I’ve never, ever introduced myself to you as that (but many find out because I still have to use it for legal things), what you’re saying to me is that you don’t think I’m capable of deciding how I want to be addressed, and you must decide for me – a very patronizing view. So if this teacher decided they didn’t want to be called Mr. Doe, and instead wanted to be called John, then your daughter was saying she didn’t think highly enough of him to respect his basic wishes on how he wished to be addressed.

@SavoirFaire Course we should. Cereal eaters, with their spoons, they go round to your house and molest your children! ::Shakes fist at cereal eaters:: But really – the best teacher I’ve ever had I call by her first name, and her approach is one that we’re all equals. Sure, she has the authority to grade us, but we pay her indirectly, so it evens out, and in the end, the point is that we’re all on a journey of learning – it isn’t about who’s superior, but rather about a sharing of knowledge and experience. It helps that the class isn’t 99% 18–22 year olds, but rather most are 23+, with several in their 30s, 40s, 50s, one 70 year old, one 85 year old.

Wow…are students really this over sensitive these days? So what if he spent a little bit longer explaining why he wants to be addressed in a certain way? Once he’s finished explaining, address him the way he wants and then spend the energy you would have wasted on feeling uncomfortable addressing him that way on something far more constructive.

@Leanne1986 Not sure it’s “students” so much as “student”. Singular.

It’s a form of disrespect to call someone anything other than what they have requested to be called. And maybe in @flo‘s case, weather it is @flo or one of her kids, it comes off as smart alec. We’ve all seen movies where someone will say “Call me John” and the other person will say “Mr. Smith” in a sarcastic voice. Maybe this is how it is coming off to the teacher. And maybe the B- was truly earned or maybe some points were taken off for attitude. Either way, why is this such a big deal? Call the man what he wants to be called and move on. It doe not mean the teacher wants sex as @Pandora has suggested.

@Pied_Pfeffer @Bellatrix you wanted to know re. the ages, if they are elementary or not. I wanted not to just focus in one case, since it can’t be one case in existance. I wanted to let you to state whatever you think should apply in whatever situation.

@jonsblond in a lot of regions/schools, elementary students do essays.

Okay to those of you who seem to say go with what the teacher wants, you are for putting teacher’s feeling above the student/students feelings/judgememt. So not exactly egalitarian, friendly, respectfull etc. since it is at the expense of the student/s (all over the world) who don’t want to.

How do we distinguish the lousey teachers who try to compensate/cover up by being entertaining, lax etc. to be liked by the students? I am not talking about the ones who are gregarious and great like the one described in @Bellatrix post.

@SavoirFaire at the risk of repeating myself, “Plenty of students feel more comfortable calling me “Mister,” but I have also told them it’s fine to use my first name” If you know they are more comfortable calling you by Mister .. then why would you tell them that they can call you by your first name? It is not like they didn’t know right? They are just more comfortable. The teacher has the power position.

The teacher never reveals what he/she prefers, just informs them of both names and then moves on to the teaching and does everything that excellent teachers do. Go ahead and try and argue with that.

@flo The teacher, like all other humans, has the right to determine what they want to be called. The students are free to determine what they want to be called in return. When one doesn’t want to call another person as they wished to be called, that’s not trampling on their god-given right to call people whatever the hell they want, that’s being disrespectful. The teacher is not disrespecting students, the student is disrespecting the teacher.

@flo I am quite disappointed with your response. I answered that bit of your previous reply already and quite explicitly:

“I tell my students that it’s okay to call me by my first name before I know their preference. They don’t typically talk before I do on the first day of class, after all. I learn that they prefer to call me ‘Mister’ because they do it despite the fact that I said it was okay not to when class began. And in fact, they don’t know it’s fine until I tell them.”

But since you need it spelled out for you:

(1) You ask why I tell them that they can call me by my first name if I know they are more comfortable calling me Mister. I reply that I do not know this before I tell them they can call me by my first name; that this is so only becomes clear as I observe their behavior over the course of a semester.

(2) You say it’s not like they didn’t already know they could call me by my first name. I reply that this is not so. Students don’t know my policies until after I tell them, and not all graduate teaching assistants allow students to call them by their first names. Surely, you don’t think I should just surprise students with my policies after the fact? That would seem most unfair.

Finally, you present a possible alternative policy and ask me to argue with it. If that’s what you feel most comfortable with, you are free to do so if you are ever in a teaching situation. One reason I wouldn’t do it, however, is that a teacher who did so would make me uncomfortable. I want to know what I can call my teachers. If someone says “I am John Smith,” that does not tell me whether I should call him “John” or “Mr. Smith.” As such, I will inevitably have to ask—which just leads us back to the original situation where John Smith has to inform me of his preference. So really, your alternative policy is a bit self-defeating.

Finally, I see no reason to think I cannot say to a class “My name is John Smith, but feel free to call me John” and then still go on to do everything that excellent teachers do. And since it is this latter part that seems important, and not what I allow people to call me, you really seem to be focused on quite the wrong thing.

@Flo Okay to those of you who seem to say go with what the teacher wants, you are for putting teacher’s feeling above the student/students feelings/judgememt. So not exactly egalitarian, friendly, respectfull etc. since it is at the expense of the student/s (all over the world) who don’t want to.

Really? I think you are putting way too much thought into what a kid calls a teacher and you seem to think this will be detrimental to the student and follow him/her the rest of his life. It’s not a matter of putting a teacher’s feelings above a student, it is about a student respecting a teacher or any other person that requests he be called by a certain name.

OMG! @SavoirFaire sorry soryy sorry. I missed that post where you did respond.
I have to respond later, although I can’t imagine improving on @Pandora‘s postings.
Also I should have separated the last paragraph, since it wasn’t addressing just you.

The teacher never reveals what he/she prefers, just informs them of both names and then moves on to the teaching and does everything that excellent teachers do. Go ahead and try and argue with that.

@SavoirFaire ”...is that a teacher who did so would make me uncomfortable”
”...I will inevitably have to ask—which just leads us back to the original situation where John Smith has to inform me of his preference. So really, your alternative policy is a bit self-defeating.” what if he asks “why do you ask?”

@flo The question I am asking him is “What should I call you?” If he then replies “Why do you ask?” then he’s either being incredibly cagey or incredibly stupid. I’m asking what I should call him because I need to call him something. Such a response, then, means either that he doesn’t trust me or that I shouldn’t trust him to teach me. As I wouldn’t want to undermine my own credibility as a teacher, I would never give such a response.

@SavoirFaire the question “why do you ask? It could be to make the students think about it. The bright and sensitive ones would ask themselves ”Why is it imporant to me? Obviously if it mattered to him he would have informed us. His question “why do you ask?” says he is not interested in telling us what he likes better. Hmm…? What was I hoping he would say? Was I planning to give him what he like so that I don’t have to work as hard as student, or so he can go easy on me if he sees me do something wrong? Was I trying to make myself standout in other ways?” Subconciously or otherwise. In short there is no need to ask the question. So it is a teaching moment.

@flo You’re making this all too hard. No one else has this big an issue with names; you’re the only one standing in the way of your own happiness.

The bright and sensitive ones would work harder to get an A instead of a B- and just call the teacher sir or ma’am if they were conflicted as to what to call the instructor.

@jonsblond Or, simply avoid calling them anything – instead of “Mr. Smith, did you want this in APA or MLA” you simply say “Did you want this in APA or MLA?” while smiling. It’s what I do when I’ve forgotten someone’s name at a party.

@jonsblond That’s me. My memory is terrible. I remember a face, but never names. I usually just say hello. Now I have Lionel Ritchie stuck in my head. lol

@MyNewtBoobs See. I forgot your name and called you jonsblond. wth? haha

@jonsblond I knew what you meant. Plus, I just assume that you’re as tired and out of it as I am – then you can basically say anything and I’ll be like “coooollll…”.

@flo I have to agree with @MyNewtBoobs: you are making way too big a deal out of this. People have preferences, and they inform you of them. That’s their right. If we wanted to make a big deal out of this in response, we could probably harangue you for another 60+ responses by calling you a fascist, claiming you want to deny teachers their rights, and suggesting there is something deeply wrong with your morals. But we’re not going to because we realize these things probably aren’t true and we are treating you with much more charity than you are willing to afford your teacher.

Moreover, charity is definitely the correct word because the accusations we could make would be quite parallel to the generalizations you are making about teachers as a group on the basis of one experience that rubbed you the wrong way—and even more importantly, the accusations would be equally as well-founded as your own.

Alternatively, however, we could just relax and recognize that not everything we dislike is a giant conspiracy for us to uncover and expose. Besides, undergraduate students often just want direction. Not every teaching moment has to be some monumental revelation ending in hugging and tears. Some questions just have straightforward answers, and “what shall I call you?” is one such question.

I’m with those that suggest to just not call him anything. My brother-in-law has gotten away with it for over 25 years with my mother, and they communicate with each other really well.

Sometimes, you just have to move on. Unless you feel differently, this doesn’t seem like a worthy battle to pick with your teacher.

@Pied_Pfeffer I never knew what to call my ex MIL either, so I didn’t call her anything. I liked her, just didn’t call her anything.

Thank you all for participating esp. those who addressed it as topic without getting personal. I think I might have gotten personal somewhere. Feel free to point it out to me. I know I was trying hard to address the topic in general. I would like to perfect the skill of debating without getting personal, angry, getting others to gang up with me , etc.

The teachers who have no problem with their Mr. last name, or ma’am or sir have got it together for sure.

@flo This last comment is the kind of thing that makes it personal. There are teachers on this site. I am one of them. When you generalize to all teachers on the basis of a single comment made by someone else, and when you suggest we are morally deficient for having the gall to prefer certain names to others, you are being insulting. I don’t have a problem being called “Mr. Lastname,” but I see no reason not to have a preference.

That said, I do not think my answers have “gotten personal.” I have given rational answers to your questions—they’re just answers you don’t want to see.

@SavoirFaire Damn straight. Judge a teacher by their ability to effectively create a curriculum, communicate ideas and thoughts, answer questions and help students understand the material, create an environment of open thought and engaged learning, and devise ways to evaluate student’s progress – not on how they choose to be addressed.

@SavoirFaire “I don’t have a problem being called “Mr. Lastname”? We just wasted a lot of time for nothing then.

By the way the conflicted one as to what to call the teacher is @SavoirFaire . (“what should I call you?”) not me.

@flo If we’ve wasted time, you’re the one who has been wasting it. I made it very clear upfront that I personally have no problem being called “Mr. Lastname.” But surely this conversation is not about me. I have not just been talking about myself alone, after all, but also about your teacher and his right to express his preferences. Nor am I conflicted as to what to call my teachers. I am very clear on what I want to call them: their preferred name. So I ask to find out what that is.

It seems you have run out of argument and so now want to snipe at me and send veiled insults my way instead of offering points for discussion. I’m sorry that you feel this is appropriate. Moreover, your behavior seems to belie your claim that you don’t want to make things personal. If you have something substantive to say in the future, however, I’d be happy to address it.

@SavoirFaire
I wished I had the “The teachers who have no problem with their Mr. last name, or ma’am or sir have got it together for sure.” in my OP_ it wouldn’t have looked like it was a veiled insult at you. But any way, I was sooo struck by the “I don’t have a problem being called “Mr. Lastname thing.
My inarguable substance was posted 2 days ago (the one in the middle).

I think that’s awesome that a prof wants to be called by their first name. I come from a very traditional family with a lot of formality and living beside a military base made me acquire the habit of calling people “sir/ma’am” without thinking.

When I went off to a small, Christian university with small class sizes (especially in the upper years), there were many profs who were informal and jovial enough to be addressed by their first names. On the other hand, there were supercilious professors who would ask to be addressed only as “Dr. X” because that was their right since they had attained their doctorate. I think that whatever a professors asks you to do, you should follow that out of respect for them. If it’s their first name, use their first name. If they prefer the traditional title, let them have it.