How do I tell my atheist family that I am religious?

I would just tell them and deal with whatever it is they say.I wouldn’t waste time trying to convince them of anything…even respecting your views.

@lucillelucillelucille I was thinking something along the lines of just saying to the family you know I respect your views, do you respect mine? And then adding I’m interested in learning a little more about religion. Kind of going for the repect right off.

Should be no problem at all. Most atheists are very open minded. Just tell ‘em.

Just tell them. I’m agnostic and I wouldn’t care what my kid choose as long as they didn’t choose Mormonism.

Usually the anger comes from telling your religious parents that the bible is retarded.

Just tell them. I’m a convinced atheist, but I respect people who are religious (although i can’t see why they are – and I love to debate with them to test the validity of my standpoint).

I’m also a firm believer in that each needs to find his own truths. Im sure they would be interested in your reasons for why you’ve beome a believer, i’m sure I would be.

Your parents might mock religion but I’m thinking they have thought seriously about it. You know how they feel about you and how much they care for you. Do you think you will be able to tell them and have a serious discussion with them? Then tell them. Are they the kind of parents that don’t listen to what you say? Then leave it for a while, until you are older and can stand your ground better.

I am bringing up my kids without religion but always say to them, when they ask that when they are old enough to make up their own mind, then they can chose. 17 I would say is old enough. My catholic mother let me stop going to church at 14!

Well, at least Judaism does not condemn other religions or try to convert others, so they will not have to worry about you going on and on about religion.

Are you considering Reformed, Conservative, or Orthodox Judaism? I’m guessing Reformed, because it would be tough to keep kosher while still living at home. A large portion of Reformed Jews are athiest, and I can see why that might feel like a good fit for you, because it is not a huge leap from your upbringing in a practical sense.

I would just tell them you are very interested in Judaism and why.

Does it really have to do with atheism and theism? Or, is it more like the history and the traditions makes sense to you, and you want to be a part of it?

I would not rush to tell them. Wait until you actually convert and present them with a fait accompli.

Then do not argue about it. Simply tell them that you have made your choice like they have made theirs.

@marinelife Wow. I never would have thought of that answer. I would be pretty upset if my child did that.

@JLeslie Considering Reform Judaism, for the same reasons that you stated – it’s not too big a leap, which would be difficult considering my upbringing! Mainly the traditions make sense to me but growing apart from my original agnosticism, I feel as if God really is there, watching over us. I don’t know everything about Judaism but it’s early days so of course I have to study and learn if I take this further. I hope my family can accept it.. I know that it’s primarily about my beliefs but I’m kinda worried about their reaction! Luckily I think I already know how they might feel because I’ve been athiest myself.. so I can see from both ends. Thankyou for your answer!

@Adirondackwannabe My point is that he should not care either way what his family thinks of his religious views ;)

@JLeslie You would have no right to be upset. Her family is very vocal about atheism and mocking of religion. I don’t think she should have to expose her tender feelings toward that, It would be one thing if her family would respect her beliefs as her beliefs, but she has said that they won’t. I think they then lose the right to know what she is feeling and planning.

@lucillelucillelucille In a perfect world I’d say yes, I agree 100 percent. I don’t think he/she would be asking this question if the world was perfect though.

@Adirondackwannabe -The best solution though,is to not place too much importance on what other people think. ;)

Good point. Let’s ask @froovyjosie. I think at 17 it’s a little tougher. @froovyjosie How important is the family’s acceptance and or rejection in your decision? (If anybody can phrase that better please feel free)

For me, it’s most important that I live my life how I choose to. If they can’t respect that, I think I’d be devastated.. furthermore at 17 I’m still dependent on my family so there isn’t much space for rejection. I think they’d try to persuade me out of it. I’m moving out in September to go to university, perhaps if they could see from a distance how my decision affects my life they would be more accepting. I don’t know. But yes, familial acceptance is important to me.

@froovyjosie Is there any one member of the family that might support your decision? I have a little of this issue going on in my family. I come from a long line of nonbelievers and one member of the family made a similar decision. Her mother supported her and stood up to the other family members that disapproved and made them back off. She basically said it’s her decision let her make it.

In all honesty, I don’t know. My grandmother might support me but I highly doubt it as her opinions on religion aren’t exactly positive. Perhaps I should just tell them and see what happens! How did your family member feel about her decision? It’d be wonderful to know more about this from someone who has already experienced telling the family! I think my main concern is that they will not take me seriously or that they will be upset by it.

I’m a life long atheist. If I had kids, and one of them told me they were religious, my first reaction would probably be one of surprise, perhapes even disbelief. I would probably think you were joking, then when I realized you were serious I would probably be lost for words at the irony of it all.

At no point would it anger me, or cause me to think about disowning my kid, but there probably would be a bit of a lecture. However, should the lecture fail, then that would be the last that you hear of it.

I think it depends on how cool your family is.

I’ve heard of people in your situation (but reversed, coming out as atheists to religious parents) get disowned or abused. On the other hand, some parents are cool about it. I’m sure they’ll be disappointed that they disagree with their kids about something so fundamental, but if you’re sure they’ll still love you, why be afraid of telling them?

But if you think they’ll be dicks about it, you don’t have to tell them and you shouldn’t feel guilty about not telling them.

@froovyjosie I have never asked her how she felt about her decision. I just accepted it right off so it never came up between us. I’ll see her this weekend and I’ll remember to ask. She started attending church with one of her friends occassionally, and then it became a regular occurence. Her mother supported her from the beginning, so it wasn’t much of an issue. When she wanted to be baptized she ran into some resistance but her mother stood up for her again. I think having an advocate really helped make the entire thing easier for her.

I think you should mention it soon, just mention it and try not to make a big deal out of it, let them get used to the idea slowely, instead of one day just out of the blue announcing that you’re a jew now. Tell them you actually do believe in God, start with that…they may ask ‘why, what happened!’ though.

@Adirondackwannabe I hope that it’ll work out similarly for me! I’d be very grateful if you could let me know what she says! :) Thankyou very much!

@lemming that’s a great idea. I could try discussing a few ideas with them and gradually explaining how I feel about it.. hope they will get used to it!

At 17 you are not too young to make a decision about what you want to believe. You should tell them and if they respect you they will respect how you feel about religion. If mocking the beliefs of others than the respect the have for their daughter then they should be ashamed of themselves.

All atheists aren’t the same, obviously. Since we don’t know how open-minded your parents are to differing views, we can’t really judge if this is something you will have trouble with. My partner and I are atheists, we don’t impose it on our children, we talk about different religions (though we do mention that that’s for other people, not for us) and if they choose to have a religion, should be fine by me as long as they don’t use it to support their homophobia or whatever. I wouldn’t be okay with my kids being sexist or homophobic, regardless of their religious ideas but certainly if they gave religion as an excuse. I’d lose respect for them.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I concur. I am not homophobic or sexist, and I would also lose respect fo someone who had that view. Thanks for your answer, I hope my parents can be as respectful towards my beliefs as you would be towards your kids!

@froovyjosie So, at this point you are in a space where you want to explore Judaism more. You also seem to want your parents to know and to approve. Along the lines of what @lucillelucillelucille said, beliefs are very personal, and so in the end this is your decision and your life.

Regading what @marinelife said, I prefer to be open with the people closest to me, to share my life. I prefer to give them the chance to be accepting. I feel like this has risen to the level of a secret right now in your mind, and secrets can be a big burden. I am going to compare it to a child who thinks they are gay. I know many people who waited to tell their parents they were gay much longer than necessary. So worried about what their parents would think. Their lives and feelings had to be a secret, even in the one place that should make us feel the most secure, our homes with our parents, who love us more than children can ever know. Eventually the truth is usually told or comes out, and usually the parents accept it, many say they always knew and its fine, although there are some parents that do reject the idea and it causes a bad rift. Usually there is no bad rift though or complete rejection. But, I find these adults tend to be more to themselves about private matters, don’t reach out to family for help and support when in need, and carry that into their SO relationships. I know I am going to get slammed by people on this thread for saying all that, and of course this is not true for everyone, but that has been my observation.

It is not a judgment, I am not saying people who are more private and to themselves are wrong or bad, but I like being able to be completely honest with the people closest to me, especially when living with them. I feel it builds better bonds and closer relationships. You seem to be the same. And, I should say that sometimes it really is better not to tell parents who will be awful, but I assume if you are considering telling them they are not going to do anything extreme. Most atheists I know don’t dislike theists, they dislike people who want to convert everyone, and who let what they feel is magical thinking interfere with life and learning, or who are hateful and judgmental. Reformed Judaism does none of these negative things.

Sometimes people say things behind closed doors, because there is no one around it might offend, but it does not necessarily mean they judge or are hateful. I hear people all the time say things that would be perceived as racist, but I know them well enough, and their actions, to know they aren’t. So, your fear of telling them might be worse than the reality.

You are still exploring, just tell your parents that, read some books. Buy the Idiots Guide to Jewish History and Culture. It is funny and informative about the culture of American Jews. A temple where I lived in FL gave an introduction to Judaism class for Jews and gentiles, not a class to convert people, and it was very good for the basics. Maybe a temple near you has something similar, or a college level course in a local college. There is no rush, take your time. Religion and beliefs is a process over a lifetime usually.

Were your parents raised atheists when they were children?

@Mikewlf337 I think that we talk/behave differently when we are in the company of those whose views we think are the same as ours, it being a safe place to vent our spleens. i don’t think that froovyjosie was saying that they were mocking her. They don’t know that she is thinking about this stuff – they are still assuming that she believes what she believed before. I would like to think that her parents will respect her decision, since it is heartfelt and not taken lightly. I don’t think that they should be ashamed of themselves for passing on their beliefs to their kids. Maybe mocking religion isn’t the most mature way to express yourself but I wouldn’t like to judge them, having mocked many things myself.

sorry if this is repeating what @JLeslie expressed just now

Oh, and what @lemming said, he makes a good point, they will probably ask questions. Try not to take that as them being dissapproving, they are just trying to understand what exactly you are thinking. How that happened.

Yes, my parents were also raised as atheists, as were my grandparents! I haven’t had any religious education other than some brief classes back in junior school. As I’m kind of starting from scratch, I guess it might be confusing for my parents as @lemming said. I agree with @JLeslie – I am close to my family and I do want to be honest with them. Everybody on this thread has given excellent advice – I think I will take @lemming ‘s approach, slowly letting them get used to the idea. As I said previously, I have also been atheist so I will be able to understand where they are coming from if they do disapprove (which I desperately hope they do not!).

@JLeslie just to clarify, I’m a she

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

@lemming sorry for the mistake.

@JLeslie thankyou! I will let you know how it goes. :)

Thanks for all of your answers everyone, I’m feeling much better about this whole situation! Thankyou.

Stick around fluther. I think you will like some of the religious discussions.

@froovyjosie – I can sort of understand where you are coming from. While I was raised in a Jewish home, when I went away to college, I started to become more religiously observant—keeping Shabbat and kashrut, for example. Over the years, I have made the move toward Orthodoxy fairly slowly, I would say. Anyway, when I first started getting more interested in traditional Judaism, my parents were worried that I would be “boxing myself in” by potentially turning away from other people and interests that were important in my life. Since that time (I am now in my 30’s), they have seen that I am still “me” and that I have kept my old friends and not turned away from my family and that I have accomplished a lot in my secular education (something else that is important to them) and I don’t think that they worry about that so much anymore. (Well, my mom is a little worried that maybe I am limiting myself too much in whom I date…) One thing that has also helped is that I have made some compromises when it comes to how I “do Judaism” when it involves my family. For example, when I am on my own in my own apartment, I keep Shabbat the Orthodox way. When I go to visit them, I still continue almost all of my practices, however, if they want to drive to synagogue or a seder or something, I will go in the car with them, if the trip is too far for me to walk. Also, I eat some things in their home that I would not eat otherwise. One of the things that I like to keep in mind is the important Jewish idea of “shalom bayit”—peace in the home. In short, if you decide to explore Judaism more and your parents see that things are working out ok for you, then they might not have as many reservations.

Shalom @answerjill thankyou for your answer. I guess that I will be able to explore Judaism more when I move away to college in September, and I’m hoping that my family will be able to respect my decision. I’m glad that your family were able to accept your more Orthodox beliefs!

@froovyjosie – Great, I hope that helps. Also, please do not take my above answer as encouraging anybody to take on Orthodox Judaism—or any kind of religion at all. I like @JLeslie ‘s idea of starting out by reading books about religion and then, if you decide that you are most interested in Judaism, checking out synagogues and student groups that represent different denominations of Judaism (Conservative, Reform, etc.) Also, from a traditional standpoint, if someone comes to a rabbi and says that s/he would like to convert, the rabbi is supposed to try to discourage the person, at first. I am not sure if this is still done—or still done outside of the more traditional communities. You might already know that, but I thought that I would mention it just in case….

@answerjill Don’t worry, I didn’t see your answer as encouragement! :) Currently I’m reading the Torah and I’m finding it fascinating. I’ve yet to learn so much but definitely something I’m serious about. There are many Jewish values that I agree with and I want to live my life in such a way. Yes, I know about the rabbi turning people away – it would certainly test someone’s intent! Thankyou for your advice :)

@froovyjosie –
Hatzlacha! (good luck!)

Make sure you read Deuteronomy and Joshua closely before you decide you agree with its “values.”

@Qingu I shall!

Oy. Just a warning @Qingu tends to be pretty negative about religion and biblical text. Lol. But, he does have incredible knowledge of the holy books.

@JLeslie haha, I see! But he’s right. I will read the Torah and study very carefully before I decide if I can really convert or not!

@froovyjosie Yes, I was not trying to discourage you from reading or learning. Do you know a lot of Jewish people? Or, did you come to this decision just from your studies?

@JLeslie I don’t know any Jewish people at all. I’m hoping to meet some Jewish people and other would-be converts because I know they’ll understand my reasons for doing so. I came to this decision mainly from my studies, as you said. Judaism makes a lot of sense to me, I really feel that this could be the right path for me to follow. (I never thought I’d get this many responses.. fluther really feels like a community!)

@froovyjosie Oh. Well, that is really something. You don’t know any Jewish people, except for @answerjill, me, I think @Qingu might be from a Jewish family? But, I don’t think he identifies with judaism at all anymore. My memory might be faulty there. And there are many other Jews here on fluther, mostly atheists, mostly reformed.

But, fluther is not like knowing them in real life.

Definitely go meet some Jewish people. Or, ask some more question here maybe.

Reformed Jews tend to be less concerned with the religious stuff. They are more into the traditions and having a Jewish identity.

While you are studying the Torah (by which I assume you mean the 5 Books of Moses), you might also want to read something that explains the wide range of other texts and interpretations that are also considered “Torah” (such as the Talmud or “Oral Law”). There are many places in the 5 Books where laws are given, but you need to read other texts to find out the way(s) in which those laws have been interpreted and actually play out in real life. For example, there is a line that says something about how you should stone a stubborn and rebellious son. Sages have interpreted that law in such a way that it is has never been allowed for a parent to do such a thing.

@JLeslie that’s how I feel – more interested in the traditions and identity. But in order to understand that stuff I feel I should study the Torah as much as I can. (@answerjill yes, I mean the 5 Books of Moses :)) There is a Jewish Society at the university I will be studying at, I figure I will be able to learn a lot from them, and from you guys!

@answerjill which texts do you recommend? Honestly I wasn’t really sure where else to begin my studies apart from reading the Torah!

Good, @Qingu is writing, so he can clarify.

@froovyjosie What college are you going to? If you prefer not to say I understand.

@froovyjosie, I was raised Jewish but I became an atheist after I actually sat down and started reading the Bible while studying for my bar Mitzvah. (My family, if anything were reform Jews; my dad probably never really believed; and in any case none of them believe in Yahweh anymore).

I don’t identify myself as “Jewish” because I don’t believe in the Jewish god, Yahweh, and I think much of the Jewish religion as codified in the Bible is both obviously false and morally despicable. I also refuse to buy into the idea that Judaism is a race, which is after all what Hitler believed.

Also, I believe @answerjill is referring to the Talmud. The Talmud is basically a bunch of legends and interpretations written by rabbis that add on to the Biblical text.

@JLeslie I’d prefer not to say, but it’s in London. It’s kind of an alternative university!
@Qingu I see. I concur that Judaism is not a race, even though many people are “born” into Judaism etc etc. If Judaism were a race, conversion would be impossible! But your beliefs are yours alone, I’m glad that you have been able to give me your view of things. Thankyou!

I would discuss it with your family, though not knowing your family I don’t know how practical that would be. When you are 17 you look for your own identity and values and that often means rebelling against your parents. You are not too young to follow your own star.

@froovyjosie I think most of us are American on this Q so Judaism might be a little different in England. What I mean is people here call themselves Reformed Jews and can be atheist and do nothing in terms of practicing the religion and never have studied Judaism at all, we are just born into it, or like my husband who was a not very religious Catholic and converted when we got married to be a not religious Jew. I do know a few people who are Jewish and their family is from England, but no one who lives there now. My husband is from Mexico, and there basically was no such thing as Reformed Judaism, that might have changed though.

There are all sorts of Jews in the UK. In London, a lot of the Orthodox ones are in Hendon and Golders Green. One thing that I learned while I was there was that in addition to the Reform movement, the British also have something similar to it that they call Liberal Judaism. They are not exactly the same thing and I don’t know much about the differences, but I do know that Reform in the US is not the same as Reform in the UK. I believe that Liberal in the UK is more like Reform in the US. If you do get more involved in Judaism, you might want to look into a pluralistic Jewish group called Limmud. The main group of Limmud is based in the UK and has a wonderful social and educational conference every year at Christmas-time. I went to it a couple of years ago: www.limmud.org In answer to your question about books to read, I don’t have any ideas at the moment, but if I think of anything, I will let you know.

Keep in mind that religious people think you will burn in hell. Non-religious people just think you wasted a Sunday morning. There is a bit of a difference.

@answerjill Very interesting.

The whole conversion process will take some time, with classes and advisement. Judaism isn’t exactly known for evangelism, so I can’t imagine you being hurried in your decision.

@johnpowell – Is there a hell? I was not aware of it.

If one of my children became religious as an adult, I would expect him to have no difficulty telling me about it. I hope they know that my loyalty to them and my interest in their well-being matter more than what beliefs they choose to subscribe to.

I would keep my doubts and probable disappointment (because I am a sincere, committed atheist) to myself and instead say honestly that I’m glad they have found a spiritual practice that has meaning for them.

Possibly your parents would say the same, @froovyjosie. Why not give them the opportunity?

You can also reconsider your religious position further down the road if the choice you make now doesn’t stand up over time.

@answerjill thanks for that, I’ll definitely check them out!

Thankyou everyone for your respectful and honest answers!