NSFW If you find that your partner is getting sexually satisfied elsewhere, do you class that as cheating?
Say you find out that your partner is watching porn, ringing sex lines, dirty magazines or talking to other women on the net (not all of these maybe just one or two) and made a point of hiding it from you, would you feel as though they are cheating on you. Do you think that they are doing it because they don’t find you satisfying? Would you take it personally, I would like to stress the point that you find all this out, not that it’s just something they do, they do it to excess?
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Yes, if he is hiding it, it is cheating. We have an open relationship, we have to be able to talk to each other about anything: people we want, things we want to do, desires we have, etc. I wouldn’t immediately think I’m not satisfying him because I’d be living that he’s lying to me – principles mean more to me than whatever light this would shed on my sense of self. I would demand an immediate explanation, remorse, a plan of change and then MAYBE, I’d reconcile with my partner.
See I agree with that, if he/she is hiding it regardless of how a relationship is sexually, if you hide something then it’s classed as cheating. I was talking about this with a few of my girlfriends today, and they brushed it off as it being “just a man thing”, my argument was but if it makes you feel deceived and your hurt by it, and the person has to hide it then it has to be classed as cheating?
I think you can hung up on the issue of whether or not it is cheating, but the point is that if it hurts you, you need to talk to him about it and come to some kind of agreement.
@janbb This is not a personal thing, something that i just can’t get my head around. But thanks anyway.
According to this we can add as cheating a lot of things not mentioned here.
But since men think of sex only 3 seconds I should say it’s normal.
Dear @BeccaBoo I’m sorry to say this…. maybe it’s your fault that your man is not thinking of you ... maybe he’s not 100% satisfied [ not only sex ] about all things relating to you two.
And anyway you should talk to him about this to resolve the issue sooner because time makes things worse.
@Hibernate whooooooaaaa way to smash my self confidence ;-)
As I said before this is not a personally related question, it’s happened to a close friend of mine, she was devastated and described it as being cheated on although her SO had not actually done the act physically. I understand this and just wondered if any other women felt that they could related to this too, but only from the deceit point of view.
So sorry :p
But it’s true .. she needs to understand that men think different and act way different that women. Sooner or later she’ll become jealous when he’ll look after other women on the street and to take this to another level she’ll feel even more jealous when he’s going to be day dreaming.
But sometimes men are jerk and start by looking then go and do the whole deed.
Tell her to have a serious talk with him and ask why he’s doing it.
Sorry again.
@Hibernate No worries, am thick skinned.
Done the whole girl therapy thing with her today, but just seems out of the 8 of us only 3 of us agree that it could be classed as cheating, and perhaps would lead to other things. The others just brush it off as something that men do? Well I disagree, most men do it, but mine never hides it from me, he is not bothered if I know or not, so I am not. But I would be if I found out he was doing it and then lying about it and hiding it!
@mazingerz88 I never said I liked it or happy about him doing it ;-)
@BeccaBoo I wasn’t saying that it wasn’t cheating or something that men always do; I just feel that the more salient fact in the case is that it bothers her. Some of us – men and women – have private fantasy lives; it’s what we do with them and how they impact our real life relationships that matter the most.
I think that sex lines and talking to strangers on the net might be taking it too far. Even there is no physical person-to-person contact, there is still another human being involved.
On the other hand, I believe that watching porn should be allowed and encouraged in a relationship, especially if one partner has a kink that the other partner is not willing to gratify, of if the two people have different libido levels. Saying no to porn is just one step above saying no to masturbation, because it comes from the desire to control a partner’s fantasy life. Even in close relationships, there should be room for a little bit of mental and physical privacy. To me, cheating is getting emotional or physical gratification from another person; porn is just a visual aid. Big difference.
I don’t think watching/viewing porn/magazines or masturbation are cheating. I don’t think hiding those things is cheating either. It could be deception, but not cheating (to me). I would be hurt if my husband felt he had to hide things from me and I would worry that I was not satisfying him, but I wouldn’t say he was cheating on me. That being said, we are very open and honest with each other about that stuff, so I don’t have to worry about it.
Talking to an actual other person though, I would view as cheating and so would he. The thing with cheating, is that it really comes down to the individuals in the relationships definition of cheating. Personally, it’s something I think everyone in a relationship should talk about so that they are on the same page about what is and isn’t cheating.
Watching porn or reading porn is not cheating. Calling phone sex lines or sex talking with other women in chat rooms or whatever- THAT is cheating and that would be the end of our marriage.
If he is doing this without your knowledge you are not curious enough or asking enough questions. It’s all about communicating.
Why isn’t he “doing it” with her?
That’s not something one does alone when they are supposedly in a monogamous relationship.
Yes in the context that you put it. If he is doing all of that than he is probably a sex addict and is already having affairs. With the need to fantasize that much he is either having an affair or is on break from one and needs to get his fix someway.
watching some porn and hiding it is not cheating. Plain and simple its a means to an end.
watching excessive amount may be a different thing.
Chatting online or phone is moving into an area where a form of reality is there and can draw a person emotionaly away from your relationship. I don’t know if I would classify it as cheating, but I can understand how it is more hurtful.
Bottom line, you need to have a discussion and understand openly what is going on. Do it in a supportive way as opposed to it being something bad and terrible. Try to find out why these things are done so you might have a chance of understanding and potentially helping things.
Certainly convey that it hurts, but first try to understand the reasons.
No. It’s something to discuss – and it’s kind of lying and hiding – but cheating on someone requires you to cheat with someone. This is watching porn – everyone does it – if you say you don’t you’re lying. Guys, fluthering here right now, also have another tab open on youporn.com
Right? Liars.
I don’t surf porn anymore @zen. Sure I’ve had my curiosities and have heard about that link, but refuse to click it. I don’t like what pornography did to my mind. I gave fantasy more legitimacy than reality. And I don’t believe that’s a healthy mental condition for me.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are plenty of folk who don’t get so caught up in fantasy. Or if they do, exhibit control over it. I’m just not one of those people.
I found it to be a trap. I’m much happier, and healthier in every way, without porn in my life.
Maybe I’m a liar.
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