If you think someone in your life (someone you really care for) is upset with you, but you're not sure...and this person seems to be avoiding you lately...would it be appropriate to send them a brief e-mail apologizing?

I don’t know if I would apologize first if I didn’t know what was going on… Better to ask what’s up. You never know what’s going on with a person, and it really isn’t your responsibility. That’s just my opinion. I used to do this with my ex. If I was in a pissy mood, I would just ignore people. That was in highschool. I don’t do that anymore because I know how lame it is to not give anyone reason to know why I’m pissed… and to just leave them not knowing o_O

You could ask what’s up? If you’re curious. To make sure they’re ok and feeling ok.

Well, although I acknowledge the possibility that it might not be me, I’m pretty sure it is…I just wanted to examine all possibilities…

If this is the dude you keep talking about, I think you need to stop obsessing and move on.

If it’s someone else, please post more details.

I agree with @EtherRoom. Don’t assume and don’t apologize. Open up a dialog if you are uncomfortable with the dynamic between you and your friend.

Well, @tom_g , he seems to be avoiding me, so I was hoping to open up a dialog by sending the e-mail…

As the others advise, I would just send an e-mail and ask if anything is up. You could say that you’ve noticed he isn’t around as much. I wouldn’t apologize for anything before I knew if there was anything to apologize for.

Sorry, @yankeetooter, this can be tough. I meant to say that the email itself might be the first step in opening that dialog. You mentioned that he seems to be avoiding you. He may not be – or it may not be intentional. Or, it could be that he’s furious at you for something you haven’t even thought of.
I have found that if I send an email to a friend, stating that I am concerned that I haven’t seen x friend, etc., it has worked best. Sometimes letting a friend know that you are there, you are thinking of him/her, and you are open to discussion of anything, is enough to get any necessary dialog started.

I have a friend who is being, she feels, harassed by someone she’s decided to cut ties with somewhat. Which resulted in her cutting off this person completely for being a needy, whiny bitch. Just an different perspective.

There can be things going on in someone’s life that have nothing to do with you that leads them to stop dealing with nonessential things, like friends, when they have more essential things to deal with. These people can often feel like they’re being harassed by someone being needy if they get an e-mail.

How long has he been avoiding you? What happened just before he started avoiding you? If you should reach out to him or not really depends on what happened before he started avoiding you. If you did something that could have caused him to want to avoid you, then you could try apologizing, but if you didn’t do anything, the apology isn’t really going to do anything. If you just want closure and to know what happened, you could just flat out ask what’s going on. How I would personally handle it would greatly depend on who the person was and what happened.

Hopefully, that’s not how he considers me, @klutzaroo. On the off chance that he does think I am being a pest by hanging around a bit too much, I want to play my cards very carefully…

@tom_g We are probably not to the friend stage at this point…he’s someone I like a lot. I don’t know if he is interested in me, but I don’t want him to be mad at me, even if things aren’t going to happen. That’s why I feel the need to apologize…

@Seaofclouds I’m not sure what happened. We would see each other maybe once or twice a week, and say hi, how you doing, etc., and maybe talk for five minutes or so…

Then, as time went on, he seemed to be avoiding me more and more, and I don’t know how to take that…last couple of times he has seemed to be more actively avoiding me, and I worried that I offended him or ticked him off somehow, or that maybe he just doesn’t like me.

Just from reading your other questions… do not email him. If you feel the need, talk to him. However, IMHO, you need to back off or go for it. He is either interested in you or not. If he is and is not in a position to do anything about it right now, you still need to back off. If he is not, you will find out for sure. It is better to know and move on than to keep torturing yourself with uncertainty.

@yankeetooter Could he have found out how you feel about him and be avoiding you because he doesn’t feel the same? I’m not sure if I’m remembering correctly or not, but wasn’t he your teacher or something like that? Perhaps he’s avoiding you because it would be inappropriate for things to go any further right now?

I would not apologize unless I knew I had done something wrong. If someone was acting as you indicated, I would ask them what was wrong and if I had offended them in some way.

A lot depends on your approach. Don’t be presumputious about anything. Just ask general questions about what you are experiencing. “You seem distant lately, is anything wrong” They will either cut loose and let it all out, in which case you need to only listen, don’t defend just listen and repeat back to them what you heard.
or they will say nothing is wrong and might be lying, or they will say nothing is wrong and it be the truth.

The last two situations will need time to determine which is the case.

Most people avoiding something will continue avoidence if you try to broach the subject. Sometimes you just have to concede and give this person space and time. I personally hate when this happens and it drives me nuts.

Good luck. I’m at work and not taking the time to edit, sorry

I wouldn’t apologize without knowing what was up. Be patient, and kind.
“No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize.”-Julia Child

@optimisticpessimist How do I approach him to talk to him when he is avoiding me? I figure, send a brief e-mail and leave the ball in his court. If he wants to respond, either by e-mail or in person, then he can with minimal effort. If he doesn’t respond, well then I pretty much have my answer…

@Seaofclouds That’s what I’m thinking, but I’m driving myself crazy not knowing for sure what the reasons are behind his actions…

@marinelife I would probably word the e-mail in some similar way to what you suggest, thanks…

@Season_of_Fall You’re fine…I appreciate the feedback, and from everyone else too. I am going slowly crazy, that’s for sure…

@everephebe Nice quote, I love Julia Child…

I recommend talking to him because you can also read body language and tone in a face to face conversation. However, you could send an email saying something like… I haven’t seen you in awhile. I hope everything is okay. I was wondering if you would like to grab a cup of coffee with me?

Pretty much my opinion is you need to quit pussy footing around. I realize this is easier to say than do, but you really need an answer. If you have not already, you are probably getting dangerously close to crossing the line and becoming that crazy stalker. Not to say you really are, but perception counts for a lot. If he is not interested or cannot be at this time, act like the mature lady you are and then come here and we will let you cry on our shoulders.

The more I read, the more I think you’re probably annoying the shit out of him. It sucks, but it happens a lot when there’s a one-sided relationship where someone fancies themselves in love with someone they don’t know well enough to love and pursue them without catching any hints from the other person. @yankeetooter, the hard truth is that you’re not in a relationship with this person. You’re probably acting like an obsessive teenager (according to what you’ve been writing here). You’re probably being creepy. Which is probably why he’s trying to back away slowly.

Please do something soon and find out one way or the other. You are clearly continuing to drive yourself crazy (and me) and have asked a version of this question more times than I want to count. How many packets of good advice from the collective do you need?

If you can’t get unstuck on your own, find a new therapist, deal with your issues and start having a better, happier, more satisfying and fulfilling life. Every second that ticks by moves you closer to the grave.

You’re more than old enough to grow up and act like an adult. Do it.

Thanks, @optimisticpessimist I may need to do that (cry on your collective shoulders) the way things are looking…

Tough words, @klutzaroo, but thanks for having the courage to be honest…I don’t think it’s as bad as all that, but there probably is at least an element of truth in what you said…that’s why I just want to send an e-mail apologizing, and then leave him alone. If he wants to talk further, he knows how to reach me…

@gailcalled Ouch! You too @klutzaroo on the second response…talk about tough love…

Everyone, I have a lot in my life that I am trying to deal with right now…I’m sorry if I’m annoying people with asking a lot of questions about my situation. If you all don’t want me to ask any more questions regarding this situation I won’t, but I’ve come to enjoy the fact that Fluther.com is a place where I can get intelligent and well thought out advice; nevertheless, I’m not trying to be a burden to anyone…

@yankeetooter; You have not been listening or else you hope to hear some news that is not forthcoming. Please reread all this and particularly reread your answers. Among other things, you are repeating yourself.

if I got an email from someone who felt the need to apologize for my lack of interest in her, would that make me change my mind or make me run far, far away?

You are treating fluther as a group therapy session. You might be better off with the real thing.

You yesterday

Two days ago

And it is telling that you are now apologizing to the collective instead of taking care of youself in a way that promotes healing.

Thanks, @gailcalled…I am well aware of past posts…

Seeing some of the responses, and getting some more details, has me thinking that @klutzaroo is onto something, despite his rather harsh tone.

I’d like to think that sincerity is always the best route. Scheming – even if for the “right” reasons infrequently comes to any good (in my opinion). If you are honest – and give people the benefit of the doubt – you will make great, genuine connections with people who are compatible with you. The incompatible ones will naturally fall away, and you can feel good knowing that you sacrificed or lost nothing in the process.

I think you should just leave him alone,dear. :)

Thank you @tom_g, but apparently I need therapy and am not welcome to continue posting on here. Your honest, but kind responses on here (and that includes many others) are much appreciated, but some obviously do not feel that I should be airing my problems on here. It is okay to talk about any and all sexual escapades, but if someone’s heart is hurting this is not the place for it. I’ll just go back to writing limericks, I guess…

You’re no doubt right @lucillelucillelucille, and I have pretty much reached that conclusion myself. I’m just tryng to reach some sort of closure…

I feel the need to apologize @gailcalled because of your comments on my apparently tiresome posts. Who knows how many others on here feel the same but are not saying so? Hence the apology.

Thanks, @noelleptc…that’s the plan from here on out…

Unless you are absolutely positive that you did something specific to hurt him or anger him (and can verbalize exactly what it is that you did), do not apologize. You’re assuming way too much and it will make you look like a weak door mat, and rather silly.

In your mind, this guy is the King of the World and you are groveling at his feet. At this point, because you aren’t really even friends with him and you have stated that you are too shy to talk to him, at this point, you may just be a blip on his radar screen. You can’t know what he is thinking or why he is avoiding you, or even if he is actually avoiding you.

Once again, the only way to find out, is to either go to him directly, send him a note or an e-mail (with no apologies) or send your friend over there to talk to him for you (which in your case seems like the best way).

If you send the e-mail or the note, say something like this, “Hi George, I haven’t seen you for awhile, I hope everything’s OK. Maybe we could get together for coffee this week just to chat. Let me know.”

If you just assume that he’s mad at you, you will never learn the truth. He could be mad at you for “stalking” him (which I doubt) but he probably doesn’t even realize that you have any interest in him, because you won’t talk to him. You guys aren’t even friends, so in his day to day life, it probably doesn’t even occur to him to attempt to find you.

If you don’t act soon (and I’m talking like a week here) you will go mad and everything that happens after this event will color your world from here on out. If you find out for certain (through one of our methods) even if he doesn’t feel the same way about you, you will know for sure and then you can move forward. And maybe you should get a little bit of short term therapy to help you with your shyness and excessive worrying. Your school’s health department should be able to help you with that. I know that you are suffering, but you need to take steps to help yourself. We’ll still be here to help prod you along. : )

@yankeetooter I think you are misunderstanding @gailcalled. She was not saying that you are not welcome to post here. She was pointing out that you have asked numerous times what to do about this guy and each time you’ve been given some really great advice, but it seems you haven’t really listened to any of it. That’s your choice, but people’s advice really isn’t going to change, other than getting a bit more harsh as you continue on with the same things.

I hope you’ll stick around and not let this take you away from Fluther. It really may be best for you to move on from this guy though…

@yankeetooter—I wouldn’t bother trying to get closure from him.I dont think you will get what you want and besides,and why be miserable?
Make your own closure by getting on with your life and the things you like to do.See your friends,take up a new hobby.Just get busy and soon he’ll fade from your mind!
Besides,there are other guys out there that are more suited for you and that will take a real interest in you.
You don’t need to chase anyone,dagnabit! ;)

I don’t know, @Seaofclouds, telling me I need therapy and that I keep posting on the same question, and then reposting my questions as if I had forgotten them kind of hurt…but thanks for trying to be a mediator. I know I have asked questions that seem similar ad nauseum, but I am working through some things in my mind, and as different aspects arise, I like getting people’s feedback. No one is forced to respond on this website, but I’m not trying to be a pain either. I love it here…

They’re not exactly lining up, @lucillelucillelucille…and it’s been a long time since I felt this strongly about someone….but I’ll try…

Don’t worry, no one thinks you should stop posting here. Some of the jellies just get very frustrated when they see the same things cycling over and over again and the OP’s just don’t seem to want to take any of the suggestions on how to fix their problem.

I know, and so do a lot of the others, that you are having a really difficult time with this situation. We’re all trying to help you. I’m afraid you’ve gotten yourself so worked up into a tizzy that you can’t see straight.

You should really call up that friend of yours (the one who offered to help out) and just have a nice good cry and a real conversation, with him/her. Then after you’ve calmed yourself down a little bit, try one of the options that we talked about last night. You seemed pretty open to it then.

Sometimes reading words on a screen can seem much more brutal than if these same people (us jellies) were actually talking to you in person. Everyone on this thread really wants to help you.

I know @Kardamom, and thanks. I’m in a lot of pain right now, and I’m not always taking stuff in the best way…

@yankeetooter No one is telling you to stop using fluther. What’s being suggested is that you stop asking the same question over and over and over and over and over again and hoping for a different answer. Its not going to happen. You’ve received a lot of good advice, but keep ignoring it since you’re not hearing what you want to hear. The situation isn’t going to change unless you do something positive about it or push him to the point with your behavior that he does something drastic. Whereupon, if you don’t see a problem with posting the same thing over and over, you’ll post a series of questions about “Why was he so mean to me?” and “What did I do to make him last out?” and “What can I do to make him like me and not be mad at me?”

If you stop acting like a 14 year old (how old I thought you were from your questions before I read your age in your “about me”) and started acting like an adult, you’d probably get a MUCH different reaction. From everyone.

Leave. him. alone. Get therapy, move on. Whatever you need to do. But sitting here asking the same question over and over again is not productive in any way.

@yankeetooter, you seem to have an incredibly tragic narrative of your life. We all want to help you, but you don’t seem interested in being helped. The language you use and the sentiments you express scream loudly and clearly of clinical depression.

This thread is a perfect example. You are having ruminating and perseverative thoughts about this one person (symptom of depression); you immediately blame yourself for his perceived absence (symptom of depression); you catastrophize gailcalled’s comment and jump to the conclusion that people think you should stop posting here altogether (symptom of depression); you seem to feel that things will never get better for you (symptom of depression); in previous posts you’ve indicated that no one cares about you (symptom of depression) and that you don’t enjoy things in your life anymore (symptom of depression).

You are welcome to keep posting here all you want, but don’t be surprised when people respond to the loud and clear signals you are sending. You need to get counseling, not because you are a terrible person or unfixable, but exactly the opposite: because you have inherent worth, and this is a solvable problem.

Brava, @nikipedia. I would also suggest that there might be something of BPD at work.

Excuse me, “lash” out.

Rather than apologize arbitrarily, I would pump the person for information. There is nothing wrong with asking them “are you mad at me?” If they say “no” then keep poking them (verbally, that is) until they get exasperated enough to come clean. I have done this before, and finally the person told me that they were having personal problems at home, and that is why they had been acting “off.” I was glad to get that cleared up.

@Skaggfacemutt Good idea if one is having a face-to-face, but a little harder to pull off through e-mail (although you can “poke” someone on FaceBook, lol!). He always has the option of not responding to my e-mail, at which point I am throwing in the towel…

@noelleptc Lol! I do this all the time…respond to a question without catching up on the details…I still appreciate the feedback, @Skaggfacemutt!

@yankeetooter Probably not the best idea to take the advice of someone who obviously has not read anything other than the question.

Ok, now tell us what you are going to do. Did you pick one of the suggestions from our conversation last night?

And just remember, we are all right there with you. Just put one foot in front of the other, now go! : )

@klutzaroo Perhaps, but you never know what us depressed, BPD (yes, I know what that means) people will do for support…

@yankeetooter Oh please, don’t go all “tragic victim” here. The only thing you’re the victim of right now is yourself.

@Kardamom Are we all behind me? I guess so, but it doesn’t feel like it…I appreciate your encouragement, but everyone here thinks I should just forget about him and leave him alone, so maybe that’s the way to go. Might as well play the part of the “tragic victim”, since that’s what I’ve been branded…

@klutzaroo Don’t expect me not to feel hurt…when people are hurting, ungentle words can feel like an attack…

I am truly sorry for your pain. I remember what it feels like to care so much for someone.

Thanks, @janbb…I am working through it, but it doesn’t go away overnight, as you will know if you have experienced this…

Sorry, I did only read the question and a few responses. Didn’t have time to read the whole thing. Let me go back and see what I missed.

Okay, I will admit I stopped reading all of your questions and the responses a little while back because they were all similar with similar advice. I was just curious if this was still the same guy/situation. I am explaining that to say if anything new happened i.e. if you actually asked him out and he said no, I am unaware (and I am not going to reread everything just to find out.) I am not telling you to stop talking to him. I am telling you to either (wo)man up and ask him out or let it go.

You are welcome to continue posting here (like I have to give permission or something.) However, you have to expect people to get tired of giving the same advice to the same person about the same situation. What is the worst that could happen if you actually asked him out and he said no? You would be a little embarrassed for a little while. It has to be better than your current position.

@yankeetooter You brand yourself repeatedly, you get mad when you’re called on it, and then you want to blame everything on everyone else while you’re the victim of everyone else being against you… the same thing that you got offended when you were called on it. While simultaneously basking in the attention of people over the internet and reinforcing your issues rather than doing something about them.

People have been indulging you for days. Its finally got to the point now where people are being straight up with you. Stop focusing on “poor abused me” and go do something constructive. We can’t do anything for you. You have to grow up and deal with your issues and your problems yourself.

No one is doing anything to you. You are doing everything to yourself. You refuse to help yourself in any way. Fewer and fewer people are going to sit here and join in on the pity party until the point where “You’re all against me, I’m gonna take my toys and go home and cry in a corner.”

@optimisticpessimist You’re right…I only suggested the e-mail venue because he doesn’t seem to be around like he used to…

People are not required to give their advice on any question, I’m just asking that if they choose to do so, that they keep in mind they are dealing with a hurting person. I am feeling very vulnerable right now…and am probably oversensitive as a result. I know people have the best intentions, but complaining that I am being repetitious when I am trying to verbalize how I am feeling is not helping…

I know I am doing this…it’s a way of thinking out loud and hearing some feedback…but no one has to pay attention if they don’t want…then it will really feel like my outside family…

@yankeetooter: Good luck to you. I’m off to walk on some hot coals now.

Sorry for any hard feelings between us, @gailcalled, for what it’s worth. I guess I deserve that parting shot.

Feel free to be one of the first to leave, @klutzaroo. You’re obviously tired of me, but you keep responding…why is that?

Email him what I said earlier… “Hi! I haven’t seen you in a while. I hope everything is going well with you. Would you like to get some coffee with me?”

If he responds but declines your invitation to coffee, he does not want to go out with you for whatever reason. It is over; you have your answer without having to put yourself too far out there. If he agrees to meet for coffee, you can find out if he would like to make a regular date of having coffee with you.

Stand up and quit apologizing, but if you keep posting the same questions, expect people to get annoyed or quit answering.

Not funny @noelleptc, but I still had to laugh any way…

@yankeetooter Before you decide to send him an email, ask yourself this and be honest with yourself… If you send him the email, how are you going to feel if you don’t get a response? Are you going to be able to just let it go at that point? Will you be asking yourself why he hasn’t responded yet? Are you going to be tempted to send him another one? Take a moment to think about how you will respond to possibly not getting a response at all. If you try talking to him in person, he would have to respond in some way, so you’ll have an idea of what’s going on. Which would be better for you? If it is going to be a matter of rejection, which one would you be better to handle?

It was funny @noelleptc, because I was thinking a little while ago that I was starting to sound as bad as Naresh28…If it ever gets that bad…(shudder)...

Very valid points, @Seaofclouds. If he didn’t respond to the e-mail (and I’ve thought about this a lot, trust me), I would know that was the end of it. I would certainly not send it again…

I’d rather it be in person, but as @Kardamom could tell you, my shyness level was making that pretty much impossible anyway, and that was before I thought he was upset with me…

Lol! @noelleptc. Between you on here and @erich1504 (think I have that right) on another thread, the laughter is making me feel better….

@yankeetooter The reason you don’t like me is because I give you a reality check. You’d rather deal in your fantasy world where this guy is madly in love with you and just doesn’t know how and when to approach you until he does and comes and sweeps you off your feet and onto his white horse and carries you away to his castle by the sea where he makes passionate love to you and… Reality sucks. But the real world is where everyone else lives and eventually its the one you might want to learn to function in too. You don’t like this idea at all. Its the reason why you don’t like any therapists you’ve been to either. Because they deal in reality and call your behaviors and actions what they are, not what you would want them to be seen as.

Kid gloves are off. You’re indulging you issues here, not getting any help. There’s no point to it rather than to fuel your problems and try and make others believe that your fantasy world is the one we all live in. It just doesn’t work. Not any of it. You don’t care about an advice you get because you’re not hearing what you want to hear and you’re reveling in the attention. Its ridiculous. Sitting here, doing nothing but trying to get people to buy into the “poor pitiful me” thing you’ve got going, is ridiculous. You are your own victim, not anyone else’s. You live in a world of your own creation and get mad when people don’t want to live in it with you.

Go get some therapy. Actually do something to work on your problems. Your world, your real world, will improve.

I’m going to bring some of your words back to you from three weeks ago. You’ve been obsessing about this guy for SEVEN MONTHS. And here’s what he’s doing in response to your behavior:

“He didn’t really run, but just seems to making a beeline out of the building after class lately, when he knows I’m in the lobby studying. He goes out the other exit, when he could just as easily walk by and say good night. Then the other night, when I was walking near his car in the parking lot (and I know he saw me), and I was going to try and at least say hi, he peeled out of the parking space, and left via the entrance (against the one way sign), doing about 40 miles per hour. That seemed pretty clearcut to me…:(” here

If its so clear to you what’s going on, why in the world would you keep obsessing over him and harassing him?

@klutzaroo Maybe I should go back and read some of these so I will be more informed.

What exactly can one say to someone to get flagged by the moderators? I think I’d like to try this out…maybe I’ll win one of those mysterious awards…

Or maybe I should aim for being banned…it might be worth it to tell someone off…

@yankeetooter You can flag their post yourself and explain why you did.

I tried @optimisticpessimist…how long does it usually take?

@yankeetooter It really depends upon how busy the mods are. They also may not agree with you, but I think they would let you know if that were the case. I have only flagged spam which was removed.

I’ve never had a response from a mod after flagging something, whether they agreed or not, so if you do flag something, you may not get a response unless you specifically ask to discuss it with the mods.

If you ask someone to leave you alone, is it respected…if not, would this be considered trolling?

Most users seem to respect it. Some are more stubborn than others. Just send the person a PM and respectfully ask them not to respond anymore. If anything goes beyond that, talk to Auggie. Whether it would be trolling or flame bait really depends on what has been said and what is happening. Being upset because you just don’t like a person’s opinion really isn’t enough of a reason to get them in trouble (if it was, a lot of us would be banned by now) unless they are actually attacking you personally.

Don’t blame @klutzaroo for telling you the truth. He has read all of the posts, just like the rest of us have. He may be telling you what he thinks in a much more blunt manner, but what he has said is fairly accurate.

I know that you are in a lot of pain. I can completely relate, because I have been in several situations very similar to yours (when I was a lot younger), I’m trying to help you avoid some of the pain that I went through, by telling you how to fix it or get out of this situation. Life is sometimes a big fat suck hole, but you have the power to climb out.

You know what you have to do, to solve this problem. I’m just trying to coax you into it, and let you know that we really do care about you. I’m begging you to contact your friend TODAY and let him or her go and talk to this guy (because I really do understand that you can’t) and they will find out the situation and tell you.

If you find out that the guy doesn’t feel the same way about you, it’s gonna feel bad for awhile. But continuing to stay in this heightened sense of anxiety and agony for much longer is going to wreak havoc on your health, both mental and physical. No man is worth that. Not even Alan freakin’ Rickman!

Wow, not even Alan Rickman? Lol! Thanks, @Kardamom, but I do feel this person has crossed the line between “telling it like it is” and attacking me…maybe that’s just my perception, but there it is…

And yes, this guy that you like, does pop his zits into the mirror. I know you said he doesn’t have any zits, he does, just not where you can see.

Right now he’s probably sitting at home, picking something out of his toes and then he is going to smell it.

And he probably just cut a big old fart, because he knows no one is around. And his finger is in his nose too. He’s a man, just a man.

I don’t think @klutzaroo is attacking you. He’s just frustrated because in the words of some old philosopher, you are refusing to “Poop or get off the pot.”

Maybe I’m constipated! Lol!...Sorry that was gross but I couldn’t resist…

By the way, just because someone is a man, doesn’t mean he is necessarily that disgusting…and I have an older brother…I’ve seen a lot…

I don’t think it was necessarily literal just a reminder that he is still a man and has his faults. He is not perfect.

None of us are @optimisticpessimist…but (and I say this at the risk of getting shot down once again), love is blind…

Back in my twenties I had a secret boyfriend for a while and looked available.

There was a terribly nice young man by the name of John whom I considered a good friend. We belonged to the same group and often attended the same small gatherings, such as dine-outs. Sometimes we were the only two who turned up. So we’d have dinner together and talk. I enjoyed his company and felt very comfortable with him. We had compatible senses of humor and shared a number of interests.

I was always straight-arrow when I was in a relationship, though, and never flirted or encouraged any sort of romantic attention. (This was actually commented on by somebody, the fact that I did not give off any notice-me vibes to others, even playfully, when I was involved with someone.)

Then came the night that he confessed his feelings for me and asked me to give him a chance. I had been so sure of our friendly understanding that I was taken by surprise. All I could say was that I was sorry, I hadn’t ever meant to mislead him, and I was already in a relationship. He was very upset and obviously hurt, but there was nothing I could do.

Naturally I felt terrible. I avoided him from then on. After a few months he drifted away from the group. People said, “I wonder what happened to John—why doesn’t he come around any more?” but I never told anyone at all (until now) what had happened.

If I had seen his interest sooner, I would have started avoiding him sooner. But there is no way I would ever have presumed to expose his tender feelings for me by confronting him directly. I would have hoped that he would take the hint—that I was expressing “not interested” as delicately as I knew how—and save us both some misery.

This was not the only time that I was the object of a one-sided affection. The lovelorn may not realize this, but it is (or can be, if you’re not hard-hearted) truly painful to be pursued by someone you don’t want. Maybe not equally painful, but painful. I’ve had my own unrequited loves along the way, so I know what it’s like from both sides.

@yankeetooter I prefer the ‘warts and all’ kind of love. My husband knows me and still loves me even with all of my faults.

Yeah, and I’ve seen not perfect things about him too, but it doesn’t matter at this point I guess…I know what I need to do.

And that is…..?

You won’t like my answer, @Kardamom…

It doesn’t matter if I don’t like it. I just want to know so I can be there in spirit with you, whatever you decide to do.

I think I need to leave it be now…still want to apologize in an e-mail, though.

@yankeetooter What do you feel you need to apologize for? I’m just curious.

Like everyone else says above (not everyone, but a lot of others), being a pest, practically stalking him in some people’s words, harassing him…

@yankeetooter Do you really feel like you have done those things or is it just because of the responses here? If he really feels like you are being a pest, then honestly, an apology for being a pest will most likely just make it worse because the second he sees the email from you, it will cause a response in him, before he even reads the apology part. Just a thought…

I did not mean to call you a stalker. I know no other word for someone who hangs out intentionally so they can see and talk to the person they are interested in. Although I doubt you have risen to the actual legal definition of stalking. If he were interested in you, he would not perceive it as stalking; if he is not, he probably feels uncomfortable if he is guessing that you are waiting there specifically for him.

I do not think you have anything to apologize for. Just stop doing it and that is probably all the ‘apology’ he needs.

I PM’d you, @Seaofclouds….

No hard feelings, @optimisticpessimist…

Why do you say that @noelleptc? (I thought I was on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise for a moment there, lol!)

@yankeetooter I agree with the ones who say not to email him. If he already feels like you are stalking him, it will just verify it. Think of this, if you do email him and he doesn’t answer you, what will you do? You will think that maybe he didn’t get your email and then you will do something else to get his attention. I do know what it feels like to care about someone that didn’t care about me, but I had enough self respect to leave the person alone. I know you won’t like this answer and you are going to email him anyway, so good luck.

Not necessarily, @chyna. I am getting some very good reasons from people not to do so. I will say in my self-defense that the guy definitely was flirting with me earlier on…or acting in such a way that it would be very hard not to take it that way. I harbor no hard feelings towards the guy, but I wish he had thought about how his actions appeared if he wasn’t interested…

I too think that it’s a bad idea to e-mail him if you are planning to apologize to him. That is just too weird. Especially if the guy doesn’t feel the same way for you that you do for him. He will take that as you being really, really desperate. You didn’t do anything wrong, so making up an apology because you think he might be mad is just really bad and appears desperate.And if he has actually been avoiding you, then he will be annoyed.

I still think your best bet is to send your friend over there to talk to him. Just a nice casual talk. He or she will be able to find out the truth immediately, people use go-betweens more often than you’d think, especially when they don’t know each other that well.

Don’t set yourself up for more pain. Just send your friend over there to talk to him. Or just stop obsessing about him and move on. You may have to get some therapy to help you stop obsessing. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks, but I’m thinking of sending the e-mail…I’ve already made a real mess on here tonight, to the point that I’m surprised anyone still wants to talk to me…If this is how I’m going to be until I cler the air, I think I need to just go ahead and do it…

Besides, if he is annoyed with me, I can’t imagine he wouldn’t be more annoyed/freaked out by me sending a go-between to talk to him, as opposed to a brief e-mail.

It’s the apology part that I think would annoy him, not the fact that you might send him an e-mail or send a friend to talk to him.

Originally, we all discussed the possibility that you could send him and e-mail saying, “Just checking in, I haven’t seen you in awhile, hope everything’s OK.” That would be fine, but sending him any kind of an apology would be simply, disastrous and appears very desperate.

Maybe I’m just convinced that things are desperate at this point, and that there is no real hope of anything happening…

Remember you cannot take it back once you hit send. I have composed emails and put them in draft and later gone back and re-read to make sure that was actually what I want to say. Most of the time when I do this I find I have plenty of edits to make if not just deleting the whole thing.

Yeah, @optimisticpessimist it’s still in drafts…and I’m giving it careful thought…believe me.

I’m kind of leery of coming in at this point, but please be aware that an email, although virtual, is a fairly tangible traceable thing that could be construed as harassment at best and be cause for a restraining order at worst. Just something to think about.

I know… @JilltheTooth, and thanks for your input. Please don’t be leery.

Alright,I have to butt in here oh no!!

I just don’t get why after 113 answers of people trying hard to tell you to do what is best for you (NOT emailing the guy, and trying to move on), you are disregarding all of their efforts and just doing what you had already made your mind up to do anyway…is anyone who answered genuinely, who actually was trying to help, frustrated by this??

I am a little bit. I gave it my all, based on my own similar experiences from my youth. But it seems like she is bound and determined to continue doing what is familiar to her, even though it hasn’t helped her so far.

I know that she is in a lot of pain, but if she won’t take any of our good, helpful advice, there isn’t much more that we can do for her.

@Kardamom If she won’t take your advice, there is no hope! :)

Ultimately, no matter how much advice one gets, one has to decide for themselves what to do. I have received all kinds of advice from numerous people (some not on Fluther…what, oh no! Say it isn’t so!) I appreciate most people’s advice, but I am the one who has to love with the outcome of my decisions. To act hurt because you were not the one who ultimately gave the advice that was followed…that’s just crazy!

Everything stated on here has been weighed and considered…and, yes, sometimes rejected for one reason or another. It does not cheapen this advice; it just means that at this time I had to be realistic about what the best thing to do was and that it didn’t agree with what you said.

Ultimately, I know all the ins and outs of the situation (well, at least far more than you all do). This is not your fault certainly…there isn’t enough time in the day to share every little detail on here, even if I was willing to do so. I have tried to share pertinent information, but I still have to weigh everything against how I feel in my heart. Also, I pray almost daily about this…and it is His voice that I am going to follow, hopefully, above all others. If I don’t follow it, than it is I who will have to answer for my actions.

Thank you everyone who honestly tried to help in a kind manner…but if you expect people to always take your advice on topics, that is unrealistic.

One more truthful comment for you, another reality check. People aren’t offended or hurt that you’re not taking their advice. People are disappointed that you probably, after disregarding all advice, will do something irrational that will only make the situation worse because that’s what you were going to do all along. That they wasted their time trying to talk you into not screwing yourself over and despite it all you’re bound and determined to do it anyway. Just because. If you were really in touch with reality, you’d probably be taking some of the advice offered here that disagrees with what you were planning to do in the first place. Truth hurts.

Please do not talk to me right now @klutzaroo. I can’t make this happen, apparently, but I am asking you to respect my wishes on this…

Train wreck…

1 question

120 answers of which 46 were point by point rebuttals from @yankeetooter

The 74 responses were very similar in their suggestions and advice.

Who expects whom to take the advice asked for? If the OP had already her own plans to do something “in the first place,” why ask us at all?

Many people wrote very thoughtful and reasonable answers, based on personal experience. An interesting exercise, I guess.

Well, how about comepletely changing the pace of all this. What’s advice for her if @yankeetooter is so compelled she has to send it. @yankeetooter, what do you expect the result to be? Pease give at least three scenarios. Everyone it may be she just wants something to happen, just so it’s not suspended in the nowhere of not knowing. Some people cant bare to be at this point and come good or bad have to act. let me say, I have not read all the threads

So @yankeetooter three possible outcomes??

@Season_of_Fall: It’s a good idea to read all of the genuine response before you decide what people can or cannot bear (sic).

crap, ok, this might take a little while. I guess since everyone else did, I have to also. okkkk

@Season_of_Fall : There are also a bunch of earlier Qs that will give more background to the situation. This topic has reached epic proportions by now.

Mouse takes a deep breathe and wades in…

@yankeetooter first, have you sent the email? If you have has there been a response? My guess is that if you have there has been radio silence on the other end.

Second, my old man didn’t have too much great advice but one thing he always told me is “don’t ask a question if you don’t want an answer.” Lady it is very clear from your combative responses to anyone who disagrees with your plan, you asked a question you did not want answered.

Third, your crush and continuing obsession with this guy is only accomplishing two things – neither of them good for you.

One thing is that you are creeping this guy out. You tip your hand about this in this and other threads where you discuss your feelings for this guy and how badly you want him to notice you and want you the way you want him. It is pretty clear from the behavior you describe that he is purposely avoiding you and your continuing attention is making him uncomfortable.

The second thing this obsession is accomplishing is to make you miserable. This focus on him and your desire to have a relationship seems to be robbing you of self-esteem, self-control, and perspective. You are so convinced that your life will be better with this guy that you are forgetting that you even have a life. Sweetie, read @gailcalled‘s first response again, and again, then once more – especially this part: “Every second that ticks by moves you closer to the grave.”

The fact is that unless and until you focus on @yankeetooter and becoming the happy, joyous, fulfilled person you are intended to be you aren’t going to be happy with this guy or anyone else.

Don’t send the email. Let this guy go. Focus on taking care of yourself and healing your own pain. All the rest will slowly but surely begin to fall into place.

@SuperMouse…thanks for so clearly showing why I don’t Fluther as much as I used to. Time and again, people like you make assumptions based on my past comments, thinking they know everything about my situation.

This email regards a friend of mine…and he sent it to ME…not the other way around. I’m so sorry you think so little of me that you can’t imagine someone in my life thinking so highly of me.

This question was celebrating my joy at finding out I had touched someone else’s life in such a way.

Ooh…LOL!...Just realized I thought you were responding to my question of yesterday, so my bad on that point. But I think I’ll keep the general gist of my response in, as the joke’s ultimately on all the people who responded negatively above. You see, it turns out he does very much care for me.

Curious, @yankeetooter, because I don’t know how this works, how did this 5 year old question come up that you answered it as if it were the recent one?

It came up for me too because of the new spam comment that has since been deleted.

Ahhh, thanks, @Mariah. I hadn’t noticed that.

Ues, I guess that was it. It came up that I had an alert, I thought it was on my most recent question, and I responded as if it was.