After 8 Years, Is this relationship with my Boyfriend love or just a safety net?

It’s hard to say really, but it may be possible that part of you wants to go out and live for you and is under the impression that this relationship of yours is holding you down. You’re the only person who can answer this question for sure, but if anything I said is true, its still very possible for you to go out and live life without cutting this link, you just got to get over this hardest step of yours of going out and becoming self sustaining.

@bessie, if you’re 25, he’s 27, and you supported him while he went to college? Has he offered to pay you back? He doesn’t sound like much of a catch. He sounds like he’s using you. And I think you know it, or you wouldn’t be depressed, or asking this question.

I think you’re in a place where putting yourself last has become a habit. You need to come first.

From reading your story, it sounds like the both of you should spread your wings and live a little. You are to young to not have friends, no job, no social life and living at home with your parents, oh my. Your being good to each other and respectful and nice does not spell or sound like true love. Maybe a break from each other will help to determine where you are going, or need to go. Wake up and live.

if you don’t miss him, you should dump him. if you truly “love” a person, you should deffiniatly miss them when you are away from them. You shouldn’t be questioning this either. You would know for sure if you loved him.

All I have to say is that easy does not always equal right. If you are staying in this relationship primarily because it is there in front of you and it is easier than making a change you need to ask yourself honestly if that is enough to keep you happy for the rest of your lives together. FYI, you have by no means wasted your young years, at 25 you have plenty of young years ahead of you.

Thanks for your answers – Yeah he did offer to pay me back and gave me what he could afford, I dont like asking him either. It does actually sound crazy when I think about it. Could love drive someone totally oblivious to go out with someone for 8 years. Yeah I think that it probably was love away 8 years ago, and somewhere along the way I think we became bored or maybe we didn’t want to let it go or take it for granted, and I agree for a long time now its all too easy and yeah we dont seem to miss each other anymore, its turned into a friendship

You have three out of five good points in your favor in this relationship. Eight years is a long time to be with someone and not married. By common law, you two are married.

Each of you ask this question of each other:

If I left and never came back, how would you feel?

Each answer should give you the answer you are seeking.

One life lesson I learned is that you can love someone very much but not be in love with them. Eight years in a relationship, especially at your age, is huge and makes it harder to let go. I suggest that you both move forward and find your own path. Sometimes it leads two people back together.

@bessie “Is this relationship an excuse for not having the confidence to live my life truly…”

That’s not what relationships are supposed to be for. It’s not an excuse. It should be support and encouragement to “live life truly”.

Don’t blame “the relationship” for your own complacency.

If you don’t like where your life is, then make a plan, follow the plan, revise the plan along the way, and stay focused on the plan to get where you want to be. That plan should be supported by a relationship, not hindered by it, unless of course a relationship is not part of the plan.

Yes a plan. Get out the pen and paper and write a plan for where you want your life to be. Present it to your SO and see if they have any problem supporting your plan.

It sounds like you have very good emotional intelligence, @bessie. You will be fine on your own. It will be weird to be on your own, and perhaps a little lonely and overwhelming, but you really need to make your life what you want and need it to be. It is far worse to be unhappy in a relationship than unhappy on your own.

I agree with @RealEyesRealizeRealLies

Relationships don’t hold people down. You hold yourself down. If you wanted to, you could reform things with him so you two could both live full lives and be happy.

I like being in a monogamous relationship but I don’t think that relationships should feel restricting or suffocating. It’s that way for far too many people and it’s unhealthy. Both people should still have their own interests, friends, and lives. You can be faithful to one person and enjoy a good relationship and still have a very full life.

The third time I was reading, I did it imagining your story as if it’s a movie. This is to help me get a better feel for your question. Your movie is definitely a romantic drama ( you working so he can go to school is one of the most romantic things to do ever! It’s so romantic I could cry, no kidding ) so naturally it’s about Love and how after it endured years of expression through loyalty, devotion and friendship has now turned into what you now refer to as a Safety Net. Hate to break the news to you but No Surprises There.

Most relationships go through that same storyline. It’s not something to be sad or depressed about really. Many people out there young and old right now are hoping, longing for a connection such as yours. They want the safety net, they love to be caught, entangled even swept away by that net. In your case, young love happens and more often than not it fizzles out quicker than you can say “multiple sex partners”. But not you two. You stayed together. You went for True Love.

You, two good young people went through your lives without too much exciting things happening except probably that turmoil abroad. Eight years, you lived your precious 20s toiling and fulfilling your self perceived duties towards each other. Eight years and now it seems you still have Nothing. Except for Doubt and Boredom and Regret. But then there is still the both of you. Still together. Still. There.

I think your movie deserves a sequel, don’t you? This time it should be a romantic comedy where it is sure to end up happily. It could be about two still very young couple who agreed to try and nurture their safety net relationship into a full blown torrid romantic relationship. Do a reverse trip to be exact. This sequel may include temporary separation maybe for a year just to create breathing space and make yourself miss each other more. No matter what happens the love and friendship you had developed in the past 8 years are not in trial in this movie nor are they being tested. On the contrary they are your greatest achievements that will give you your happy ending. So go start shooting. And goodluck!

Do what you feel you need to do.

But don’t let troubles with the rest of your life project into your relationship

Where would you be if you weren’t in this relationship? Maybe you’re using it as an excuse for your life right now? But at the same time, you may be better off out of it, if you no longer love him…if it wouldn’t hurt alot, then maybe you should leave…be careful though, it could be the seven year itch, maybe he is the best one for you, and maybe you’d seriously regret leaving to find somthing better, there would probably be no turning back. It all comes down to if you love him or not. Do you?

8 years= Safety Net (probably for you both). He needs to grow up and assume responsibility, you need to stop mothering his inadequacies. You both need to to become serious and determine where this relationship is going then focus on your future, don’t allow it to take the best years of your lives to realize it was all in vain.