Did you hold something back when you could have told all?

Not really, no. I tend to say too much, I am far too trusting. The only time I hold back is when I think the information may not be particularly important – or may be hurtful to someone else. Otherwise, I talk too damn much.

A few years back my son, who was then 4yrs old, won a goldfish at the fair. I was tasked with transferring the thing from it’s temporary home….(a clear plastic bag) to it’s more permanent residence…..(a fish bowl) Anyway, to cut a long story short, I messed up…...basically the goldfish slipped out & ended up falling into a tiny gap behind the stove. By the time yours truly had “fished” it out, well, it was dead!! I didn’t tell the wife because I didn’t want a black eye! We got my son another fish, identical in every way. So it worked out fine in the end.

@ucme lol, that’s a funny story. Poor fishy.

@ANef_is_Enuf Yeah it is now, looking back. Not at the time though, I was crapping myself for real!! I mean, I killed a defenceless little fish! The fact that it was my sons & that the wife possesses a mean right hook, made the whole scenario a living nightmare. I know when to keep my gob shut! :¬)

My brother in law abused my older sister and my younger brother. (He didn’t dare touch me, I didn’t like him and he knew I would scream bloody murder.) I was about 10 when I found out and they swore me to secrecy. They said they would deny it and my whole family would turn against me.
When I was a teenager my oldest sister (the wife of the abuser) confided to me that our grandfather had abused her when she was young. Every fiber of my being screamed that I should tell her. I asked if she had told our sister about it and she said yes. Our sister had remained silent an so did I.
When the truth finally did come out after the suicide of my little brother it was met with much resistance by my oldest sister. I think she believes it now, as one of her children has come forth and said it happened to her too, but my sister has chosen to forgive him. She is careful to not let him be alone with children, but the jerk will never see justice.

@Judi This story actually is making me cry. I’m so sorry.

My family on my dad’s side is poisoned by this dysfunctional web of secrets and lies. There are these ridiculous things that for one reason or another, we aren’t supposed to tell someone something. This was a typical script I remember as a kid

Dad: Don’t tell grandma <X>.

Grandma: Don’t tell anyone that I know all about <X>.

Aunts: Don’t tell grandma that we know that she knows about <X>. And she’s right, don’t let your dad know that grandma knows about <X>.

It would get really confusing for me. What was safe to talk about with who? When someone mentions something related to <X>, am I supposed to pretend I don’t know what they are referring to? Or am I one of the people allowed to know <X>? Is this family member allowed to know that I know <X>.

A The worst one happened when I was 10 and my grandma’s dog died. My grandma told everyone not to tell me the dog was dead. He was only sleeping. The dog was stretched out in a coffin-like display on a blanket in front of the fireplace OBVIOUSLY dead. I got so confused. I had to pull my mom into the bathroom and say.. “Mom. I know that dog is dead. Does grandma know the dog is dead, or does she think the dog is sleeping? Am I allowed to acknowledge that the dog is dead, or do I have to continue to pretend that I don’t know so it doesn’t upset grandma?” My mom said she had no idea and muttered something about how sick the whole thing was.

As an adult, I get really anxious and uncomfortable about any sorts of secrets at all. I never know how to react and I never know what to say or do. So I just get sick and obsessive thinking about it. You can see this in a questuion I asked earlier this week.

I used to be captive of this habit. It was born from having a Father that rulled with an iron fist.
But then again I was a little brat and in retrospect deserved to be reprimanded.

So in that regard, I held out information or told white lies to try to keep out of the conflict. Sadly what it created was a thought that I best do EVERYTHING right. EVERYTHING perfect soas not to create conflict.
I was haunted with this till I was in my late 20’s and realized I am only human and it is ok to fail and the bigger concept of admiting and facing failure.
It is the only way I can better myself by admiting and learning from my failure.
This all balanced and tempered with when and who you can trust with comining out with that.
So when you are being entrusted and empowered at work, you have to determine when and where it is right to admit issues and failure. Doing it at the right place and time will gain you respect.
The person you are in the closest of relationships with also needs to feel this and trust in you as you need to with them.
A psychologist is there to help you and how on earth will you get anywhere if you don’t give full disclosure, what’s the sense?
I guess to answer your question, I a fully clean with the people who need to know.
This allows me to fully come clean to myself as opposed to pulling a sheet over it and hiding under it.
How can you ever find full happiness if you don’t conquer your own doubts!
Love yourself as you are! Faults and all!

I generally come fully clean with facts about myself and my situations. I don’t come fully clean with how I feel about certain situations, because I’ve always been in relationships where I was told that I was not allowed to have feelings about certain things, or if I had feelings they were wrong. I feel funny sometimes even offering up praise; I wonder if people construe it to be judgemental? I tend to try to stick to facts, and while I keep confidences, I deliberately don’t keep the kind of game playing like @keobooks has to go through; that sounds exactly like my mother for years. “Don’t tell your grandmother that your father has left us. When she calls, say he’s not home.”

I recently read (I forget where, and I wish I hadn’t, because it was such a great line) that to “tell all” would start with the line, “About 13 billion years ago the universe was formed when…”

No one can “tell all”. The best we can hope for is a reasonably (and honestly) well edited version of what someone thinks happened. Even then, that accounting leaves out cultural details that are assumed to be part of the audience’s same frame of reference. It leaves out details that the teller thinks are probably unnecessary. It leaves out stretches of time (generally) that don’t appear to be germane to the story. And so on.

I’m an assertive person, very much go with the flow, but, step on my boundaries and I’ll chop your beanstalk down right quick! lol

Nah..I have zero ‘shame’ in my life, no secrets, and take no issue with sharing my lessons, failures, triumphs and adversities in the appropriate setting. I have overcome lots in my life but I don’t ever think about it, I’m a live in the now type. The past is dead, the future doesn’t exist except in thoguht and I don’t spend any time lamenting bygone days, mistakes, and do not hold grudges.
Right now is all that matters, well.. from here to eternity! haha

@Coloma teach me

I’ve fucked up a few potential romances by not being too open. Not letting my guard down and giving in to the necessary vulnerability was just a terrible mistake. Best to learn while young, though, I guess.

Because of my dad’s weird family habits, I always have a problem with both extremes, sharing too much or not sharing enough. I’m not a good judge of what’s something to share and what’s not. I wasn’t a big fan of the show, Friends, but I remember one episode where two of the guys were sharing some secrets and one of the guys said too much and the other guy freaked out and said..

“You’re supposed to SHARE, not SCARE!” Sometimes I have to try to remember that.

Another lesson taught to me a few years back is “honesty without tact is brutality”—you can give someone a piece of your mind without beating them over the head with it.

I think I have a hard time making and keeping friends because I hover around both extremes. I will share too much stuff that I should keep to myself. I go on about geeky stuff that nobody else in the room cares about. At the same time, I hold back and I won’t share enthusiasm about some topic because I don’t want to seem too eager. Or I keep some vital fact secret that I could have and probably should have told someone.

I wish I had better skills at knowing when to hold and when to fold.

Granted, I never had to deal with life-or-death situation, so I can’t give you any personal examples to that extreme. I often told the truth regardless, or I tried; it saved me both from having to confess later on anyway and from plunging further into the dark.

It’s hard at first to drop the intellectual mind chatter and embrace this lack of substance I really am, taking it all so seriously. But as a co-worker puts it, if not now, when? If I’m wrong, and I take responsibility for it, and so what? If everybody else moves on, and if their problems are worse than mine, why not me?

I think a helpful guideline regarding whether to say anything is—whether it’s true, whether it’s helpful, and whether it’s coming from a kind intention. Your are your words after all.

I really think that if you’re genuine, and if you put the person’s best interest at heart, automatically you will know what to do.

Well it’s something that I’m not exactly sure I regret hiding from my ex boyfriend. I was depressed for a few months while being with him, he was fusterated with me trying to find why. I didn’t tell him until months later where we got back together for the second time. Now he says he felt like he never really knew me because of my secret.
But at the same time, I do have the problem of sharing too much.
I think you should open up to people who actually care, not just curious.