[nsfw] Have you ever turned down a request for "physical intimacy" from someone you love?

Yes, and in the end, it was partly responsible for the dissolution of a 4 year relationship with a woman I dated. It was a wedge issue for her (she was in her early 40s and in her sexual peak; I passed my sexual peak decades ago!). The relationship probably could have survived with mutual love and affection and support and honesty and humor (and let’s throw in more love). But a sexless relationship – for a non-married couple, at least – isn’t ideal.

At least, that’s my experience with it.

I have turned down sex with my husband when tired, sick, or injured in the past. He’s done the same to me in the past. Those are all rare occasions (we’ll usually still be up for it even when those things are happening) and we both understand what’s going on (since it has to be pretty bad for either of us to say no). If it became a pattern, there would be concern and we would end up talking about it. We both agree that sex is a pretty important part of our relationship and we both want to keep each other happy in that area. We talk about anything and everything and agreed a long time ago we would tell each other if there was a problem so that we could work on it.

Sure. At some point most people need to to take a break. Otherwise, I think, it becomes like work.

Yes, I have turned down sex from my boy and he from me. I don’t understand the big deal with turning down sex every once in a while. I turned him down today because I am very tired and I got tattooed yesterday so my thigh still hurts quite a bit when I move. Our relationship is not in danger nor is it subpar. We simply did not have sex today.

Sure…when I have had too much vodka, or SHE has had too much vodka.

What were the consequences? It was probably better for both of us and let to less bodily injury, presumably. Actually, it probably matters not to our relationship, as we are both content to have vodka than sex. Welcome to life in one’s mid to late 40s.

I don’t know anyone in a healthy relationship who hasn’t. Turning down sex is not a rejection, it’s a “not right now.” The most common reason is that I’m tired. We have sex in the morning or the next evening if we both have to work early. The only consequences have been not having sex at that moment—no wedges, no problems.

Of course. Hasn’t everybody? Turning down sex at any particular time was never a long term problem in any of my relationships, but wildly different sex drives are a different story. When I was with a man who wanted it as often as possible (like, 3 times a day) and I was happier with once or twice a week, that was a problem (for him).

I don’t think I’ve ever turned my partner down when he initiated intimacy. I love being intimate with him and he seems to know when the moment is right for me anyway.

@SavoirFaire Or anyone, really. When does turning down sex time after time after time become rejection? What if your partner still loves you? Is it never rejection? Is it possible for there to be love in a sexless relationship?

I often say no! I love sex but it doesn’t mean I want it all the time. I had a big sexual appetite when I was younger it has dwindled a little, which does annoy my hubby as he would have sex every day, twice a day, but when he got that he still wanted more! I think it has to be a balance when sex becomes a chore then its time to start thinking about your relationship, sex intamacy whichever way you phrase it should be fun and enjoyed by both parties.

In a loving and otherwise healthy relationship, I think in the eyes of the one turning it down, it’s never meant to be a rejection of the other partner… just a rejection of sex right now, for any number of perfectly ordinary reasons.

If I was being turned down just about every time, over a long-ish period of time, then I’d look for a deeper cause. It might be rejection, but it could also be low sex-drive, ongoing fatigue, self-confidence issues, a medical problem, relationship trouble, or who-knows-what. The only way to be sure is to talk openly and honestly about it, and not while you’re in bed.

Yes on many occasions with my ex husband. Because i had detached myself from him emotionally, the thought of any physical contact with him just felt wrong, even a hug i could not bare to do. However it shows the difference, because with my new man we always touch each other, even if it’s a brush on the arm as we walk past each other. I think if the physical side is going in any realationship, it’s time to sort it out, because it’s a huge problem for one of you. (Example of this, my brother could not understand why after he got married that his new wife wouldn’t cuddle up to him, give him small things like hold his hand, although they were still sleeping together, he said it wasn’t the same. Turns out she was cheating on him and couldn’t stand it. She felt that giving him the intimacy was worse than the act of cheating because her feelings for him had changed so much. They are now divorced and she is on her own because she has massive commitment issues) Anyway to sum it up in my opinion, if you turn down sex (without a valid reason IE: too drunk, tired, ill etc) and its a regular thing then…......????

I’m gonna answer this with a tale from a friend. He and his wife have this pub and business wasn’t good for a while and the debts were building, this led his wife to “not be in the mood” for quite sometime (I think he said they had gone six months without sex!!!) so eventually things turn round and one night in bed his wife was getting all playful and fair fucks to the guy I don’t know where he got the strength but (in his words) “to teach her a lesson” he turned her advances down and then waited till she fell asleep and then had a wank and came on her back! How fucking weird is that!! Oh I miss him, must pop into his pub next time I’m in York.

I very very seldom say no and there is usually a good reason, like it’s already 3am and I have to get up to the kids in the morning. (it’s always my turn… he doesn’t ‘do’ mornings) Or he’s come home after a night on the town or a long late flight and it’s way after midnight and he’s really drunk and smelly.

But then he very very seldom asks. He falls asleep on the sofa in front of the TV and I sleep up in the bed. I can count the times we sleep in the same bed in a month on one hand. Add that to the fact he travels for his job. He’s been away all this past week and he won’t be home until about Thursday, I think.

My husband and I went through a major dry period in our marriage. I was dealing with PTSD and I just couldn’t handle him touching me. This lasted 2 years. Poor guy.

What is wonderful about my husband is that he never put any pressure on me and never judged me. It was what is was. He waited for me to get better and now our sex life is great.

@wundayatta I do think it is possible for there to be love in a sexless relationship. Some people are asexual, for instance, but they still want intimacy of various kinds. Ideally, they get together with other asexual people, allowing them to give and receive only and exactly the kinds of intimacy they need and with which they are most comfortable.

Sometimes, only one partner is asexual. I think in those cases that arrangements must be made to ensure that any other partners’ needs are being met, but there can still be love between sexual and asexual partners.

Refusing sex becomes a rejection when it changes from merely not engaging in sex to actively withholding sex (sometimes to manipulate a person, other times due to negative feelings toward the specific person being refused).

If Adam, Betty, Carla, and Dave are all partners, Betty might say no to sex with Adam because she has her mind set on sex with Carla or Dave that day. This isn’t rejection—even though Adam is being refused in part due to the fact that he is Adam and not someone else—because Betty’s refusal is not fueled by a desire to withhold sex from Adam. But if Betty stops having sex with Adam altogether because she harbors animosity towards him and is using it to get at him, for example, this is rejection. It is a withholding of sex (and probably affection, too), rather than merely a lack of engagement in sex.

There are other possible scenarios, of course, and rejection can be both minor/temporary and major/long-term. But I think this at least gets at something important in differentiating rejection from mere refusal, even if more might need to be said.

Yes. In past relationships while there was still love there was also an amount of bitterness or whatever that rivaled the love in such as way that it killed my libido, at least for that partner. My love changed to that of the past, a kind of fondness that in no way i\was enough to sustain the relationship when the other person still wanted the whole nine yards.

I’m female and I really believe females emotions have a lot to do with sexual satisfaction. A toned attractive body is just not going to get me going unless I have either sufficient fantasy built up around it or deep emotional attachment. Once my positive expectations of a partner have been exhausted then I turn off.

Yep, a long time ago….. I broke my willie :-/ & one of my nuts too…....

I was turned down for sex from an ex. It got more and more frequent, and although I wouldn’t say it was the reason we broke up, it really did corrode the relationship.

I refused some people a long time ago and they got somewhat mad on me and started spreading rumors and sh*t.

ANd after that we couldn’t be friends anymore because of the “distance” created by a refuse [ even if my refuse had valid excuses ]

I turn down sex periodically. My girlfriend is never happy, but we move on quick.