Why do people say they admire certain types of people but then go out of their way to date or marry someone who is the opposite?

I always had a ‘type’, not looks-wise exactly, but just a general type of guy I always dated. The two men I married though, didn’t fit my ‘type’ at all. The heart overrules the head. I’m okay with that. ;)

When I started dating my first husband I never intended to fall head over heels and marry him. He wasn’t what had always wanted in a mate and I convinced myself he had “potential.”. It made for a pretty rocky marriage.
After he died, I swore that I would never again put myself in a position of falling in love with someone I wouldn’t consider marrying.
Married mr perfect over 20 years ago and am still crazy about the guy. I am a lucky girl.

I think when you look at other couples and see the other couple as “perfect”, you don’t self-identify with one of the parties of that couple. While it looks like the perfect relationship, it doesn’t dawn on the person to look for that type of person.

My sister was like that. After a series of horribly failed relationships and several marriages to her “type” (which was flashy, money-oriented, go-getter types,) she went out with a guy who was the type of guy that my mother said she should look at, just to prove my mother wrong. So far, it seems like a great relationship. He’s a great guy, puts up with a lot from my sister, and is crazy about her. She seems to appreciate his finer points, and is happily living a much simpler life these days.

@BarnacleBill Good point. I hadn’t considered that they do not self identify. Although sometimes I do think they do, only they feel its too late to start over.
I think sometimes they do find the perfect person only they don’t live up to the idea of making themselves one of the better parts. I’ll have to give and example. My brother in law has a very sweet and caring wife. But she is demure. He admires other women who are strong in nature but then he is very controlling. You can see that he wishes she was more direct with him; however he doesn’t encourage her to be so. His words and thoughts say one thing but his actions speak louder. He often says how he wishes she was more outspoken and supportive and how he envys other relationships but he’ll never get that so long as his actions tell her otherwise. He does love her but your point makes sense. He doesn’t see how he is effecting the outcome.
Maybe that is the real problem in this type of situation. People don’t always look for what they want because they know for it to work they have to also be a different type of character.
@ Judi, I’m glad it worked out.
@augustlan Ah, chemistry can also be a tricky thing.

There are many couples that are admired for how well they handle their relationship. In looking at the partners individually, there could be characteristics that the observer isn’t interested in finding in their own partner.

They either aren’t honest with themselves or don’t know themselves.
I know my type, and I tend to go for a few particular things without realizing it like: partly crazy, difficult, born in january, dynamic, creative.

Saying you admire someone doesn’t always mean you wish you were like them. I admire the marriage my aunt and uncle have, but I also think it works specifically for them, and I’m not my aunt, and don’t want to find a man who’s just like my uncle, because it wouldn’t work out between us. And I admire Nelson Mandela, but I don’t know that I’d really want to have a beer with him – and if I don’t want to have a beer with you, we have no relationship.

The people who we admire aren’t the people that we are, which would make them incompatible in reality.

Well, you know what they say. Opposites attract.

In some cases, the subconscious reasons you mentioned may apply (i.e. going against type because “love is blind” or because the person believes they’re unworthy of the type of person they want to attract). But sometimes people end up dating against type for involuntary reasons. We really can’t control who is attracted to us. Maybe the person just didn’t click with the people they know who fit into their type, but they did have good chemistry with someone whom they wouldn’t usually consider.

I’m not familiar with that. Most of my friends have held out for partners with similar values, ideals and consistency, me too.