Men, what are you looking for?

I want to know that I can trust the person… or better “how much I can trust the person?” It’s like I need two references and a records check now.

Just to feel loved and respected. There is thin ice on the “time to heal bit” and that is entirely up to him and the situation he was in. Even lifeguards drown trying to save people!

I want what feels just right!
Coming off a bad “hurt” can take some time and make a person a bit hesitant.
Everyone is different, but for me, I would take it slow.
It takes awhile to get back to you being yourself and to jump into something is not the best idea.

I’m not a man. But I’ve looked at all of your questions, and I just wanted to say that if I were a guy, I’d get a little gunshy around you. It sounds like you’ve come on super strong with a guy who is still in a messy situation, even though three weeks ago you were hoping a different guy would propose. (At least I assume it was a different guy.) Just one month ago, you were trying to decide whether or not to stay with your boyfriend or move on.

It just sounds like you’re pushing pushing pushing to get something serious going really fast. I think when you do this, the type of guys who are good catches will be turned off by your pushing so hard. The type of guys who love this sort of drama are NOT good long term catches, IMO.

Sorry if I overstepped, but after reading all your questions as a whole, that’s how I feel.

I can only advise you in my situation.

I met my wife, while she was modeling Bobbie Brooks clothes in a department store. We were on mutual ground, but we both knew something had “clicked” with us. I ask her for a date and she readily agreed.

She did not chase after me and neither did I for her.

We took it very slow, both knowing that marriage was in our future. How did we know? You just do.

Just two years prior, I had dated a girl for about six months. We were engaged.
For reasons unknown, she suddenly called off our engagement. To this day, I do not know what happened?

Anyway, it was very good that this occured.

Men do the chasing, not the women(girls).

Honestly, I have never thought very much of a girl that chases men. It seems like she is desperate for a date, if you know what I mean.

I want a woman who has spent enough time by herself that she knows herself as herself for herself.

I want a woman who sets a high personal standard for her life, and demands those closest to her respect that standard. Not necessarily meets it, but at least respects it.

I want a woman who spends time getting to know the real me before jumping into bed with the fake me.

I want a woman who understands the difference between cooperative and codependent, and I insist she prefer the former.

I want a woman who’s finished playing with all the little boys that confuse sex with love.

I want a woman who understands that boys have women carry their baggage. Men have boys carry their baggage.

I want a woman that appreciates the man who chases, and gives enough of the chase to make it stimulating.

I want a woman who loves herself more than me, thereby teaching me how to love her more than myself.

I’m a female in my 40’s and here’s what I’ve heard and also observed to be generally true.
Men don’t find a woman who chases as intriguing as one they chase.

This was told to me by my 50 year old grandmother, her sisters, their husbands, my own mother, male cousins, male friends. Nice or not, a man will usually suspect there’s something defective about a woman who chases him.

Wow, well I was gonna ask this question here too….now I’m even MORE confused… I guess I just can’t help what he thinks, feels, wants, needs and have to just wait for him to figure it out. That sucks. But FYI, this is the question I was going to ask:

What do you all think about me just giving all ‘concerns’ to the wind? And just doing whatever I want? Like, if I feel like texting him that I am thinking about him, saying hi, etc… And not holding back anything? Just going for it? Wearing my heart on my sleeve? Total vulnerability…act like I’ve never been hurt before?

Or will that just hurt more? Or will it bring the ‘hurt’ faster, if he’s not interested?

keobooks, thanks for your response. Yes, I gave up on him. Things were said and he is NOT ready for what I am. This is a new guy. He has everything the last one didn’t (or seems to).
I don’t WANT to be super strong, but know what I want. And I just wish that I could find a guy who doesn’t have a bunch of baggage holding him back!

Or maybe…I’m just not in the right right age bracket for that kind of luxury… :(

@MtnCalling33: If you put yourself all out like that then the chances are really high it will embarrass him, make him think of you as childish and/or unsophisticated. Think of this: when you were a kid, was there ever a smaller one that would go where you did and every time you turned around they were right there, underfoot and you just wanted to cringe and get away? For some reason a lot of guys want to hurt someone who seems too sweet, as if you’re no longer real to them. Be careful and pay attention, someone else might be looking at you.

Different men look for different things.

I did already tell him that I feel like I’m about to jump in head first and forget how to swim…

He said, ‘you won’t forget’.

”...act like I’ve never been hurt before?”

Great way to start a new relationship… with an act.

Great way to leave an old one… by not learning anything.

read sarcastically

Don’t be such an obsequious sycophant.

I personally think that how a relationship ended has more to teach us than how it began. I have a feeling the guy might be heading into a rebound relationship here and you might be a little bit too hasty to accomodate him. I may have misunderstood as to who is who in your question and I’m sorry if I did but you get the idea.

I also think there should be a breathing space for anyone before entering into a new relationship.

Once again, let me say that one size does not fit all when it comes to humans and their relationships. No one can tell you what a man is looking for and have that be of much use to you. We’re all different.

Having said that, I will go on to say that I do think there are principles of behavior that can help you here. I think it helps to see relationships as a negotiation. There’s what you want, and what he wants and there is the area where what you want and what he wants is pretty much similar.

In order to build a relationship, you have to find out what he wants. You want to just gush out your love for him. You’re in that starry-eyed phase of love where it gets beyond your control a bit, and you really really want to jump ahead, but you don’t want to jump ahead if that will screw things up.

What you need is more information. You need to find out what he is thinking about the relationship. You need to find out what things are acceptable and what will make him concerned as to your reliability.

I think there are things you can do to test the waters. If you were writing him, you could up the ante a little and see if he bites. You can do this in conversation or in dancing. A little squeeze that is beyond anything you’ve done before. Something that’s enough for him to react to, but not enough to turn him off completely if it doesn’t sit well with him.

One principle that helps is the idea of mirroring. Reflect what they show you, except with a slightly sharper image. See what you get back. Is he colder or does he match you?

That’s one way of gathering that kind of information. Might help you. Maybe you’ll get some answer with better ideas.

Someone who is genuinely sincere, honest, and trustworthy, who makes me feel wanted and special, and who shows her love for me in a warm, feminine manner.

Well since I’m more of the sensitive guy…Mostly trust since of my trust issues. LOTS of love and affection since I’m an affectionate type of guy, I love to love. Honest, one that she can come to me for. And just….I can’t say…A lot, but…Now I have my princess in my arms today.

Forgiveness for imperfection when taking over household chores.

I wrote a whole big thing and then I thought.. What the heck, it will go unread and the advice unheeded. Just do whatever you want and be totally surprised be the results that will inevitably happen.

Keobooks, why would I not read it? I appreciate and consider ALL advice. That’s why I’m here ;)

@MtnCalling33 Well, you confirmed that the guy you wanting to get engaged to less than a month ago is a different guy than you’re totally committed to after being with him less than two weeks. I specifically mentioned that the situation you are in is not at all conducive to a healthy adult relationship, and you totally glossed over it as if I never said anything like that.

You are pushing so hard for something serious and you don’t seem to care WHO it is with. Three weeks ago it was one guy, this week a different guy. How special can either guy be if they are that easily interchangeable?

You’re going into something filled with drama from a previous relationship. You’re filling the new relationship full of drama right from the start and you don’t seem to get that all that drama will most likely not lead to something good. The fact that you think that if you only knew what men wanted you could somehow change this guy or change this situation into anything other than a drama bomb that it already is shows you don’t really get this situation.

And you blame your situation on your age saying that men “your age” all have baggage. My husband has no baggage. We got married in our mid 30s. So don’t go blaming their age on their situations. The good guys don’t like drama and run off when they see it.

Well, I don’t want it with ANY guy, that’s for sure. I was committed because I only date one guy at a time (just to straighten that out). Just found one that seemed to have everything I am looking for. Not pushing for something serious, just don’t want to get involved with someone who is not looking for or ever wanting the same things as me. I know what I want and I bluntly express this.

This new one is too hung up on his ex and past drama, unfortuneatly. I shouldn’t of jumped into it and let my guard down so early. That was a bad choice.