Not being close to your parents, your fault or theirs?

The personalities of the people involved (as described by genetics).

Environmental circumstances and random events can play a role. For example, in my family, my brother was born with some kind of malady involving hospitalizations. All I knew is that when my brother was born, no one paid any attention to me any more.

@wundayatta Feel bad hearing that. I’m not impressed with your parents right now.

Yours because you cannot get close to them [ you don’t want to understand them ]

Their because they do not try to understand the kids.

There’s no one to blame here [ not even society ]

It’s mutual, but not in an equal balance.
Most of the blame deserves to go to the parents.

I can’t really speak to other factors.

I think that it’s partially the child’s fault because they don’t feel open about talking to their parents about things. But perhaps these feelings are initiated by parents telling their children what is right and wrong? Maybe it’s these boundaries in conversations and the differences in opinions that drive them apart.

Speaking from my own experience—I don’t find it helpful to find fault.

I DO see that chemical dependence (alcoholism) and genetics (hyper-critical/judgmental hard-wiring through the entire family tree) and some good ol’ religious fanaticism had a hand in causing some distance..but when my parents and I can work around these issues (all above are theirs…I’m sure they have their own list of complaints about me) we can still have a relationship. It just has…boundaries and limits that make it a less close relationship that the one that I have with my own kids.

Who knows—maybe as my kids grow up they’ll find fault with me and distance themselves from me somewhat…though I sure hope not! We (hubby and me) really strive to be loving and non-judgmental…so hopefully our kids will still want our involvement in their lives as they progress to adulthood.

When younger then I wracked my brain to figure out who was to blame for what and how to fix it. After a glorious mid life revelation then I concluded it is what it is and to try and change it and go against time is wasteful and will just end up in disappointment. I will say now that my relationship with my parents is as good as I want to it to be within the parameters of what they’ll allow it to be.

Ours.

I think parents too often forget what it is like to be young and in that position.
They forget being pressured and expect too much from their kids. That’s their fault.
The kids just give up trying to get close to their parents after some time and that’s their fault.
Mainly… it’s the parents fault.

I think it’s usually both ways. I have seen quite a few cases with friends and family. There usually is one side of the whole story. But if you dig deeper and get both sides of the story, it usually turns out that both sides have their own faults.

I personally keep some distance with my Dad. I found he is not the type of loving, kind and generous one. He often blames and insults me. I keep trying to be a good child, but in the other hand, I also want to be heard, to be understood and to be valued. Nothing can expect from my stubborn and selfish Dad. I am really helpless facing him!