How do I build a friendship with my father?

By understanding he has done the best he could for who he was/is. Aside from serious abuse, of course.

Let him know you would like to ‘work’ on building a closer relationship, ask him what some things are that he would like to do with you. What commonalities do you share, the same humor, hobbies, interests? Go from there. Don’t force anything, just spend time together and let things unfold naturally, uncontrived, other than agreeing on some fun get togethers.

@sweetbee : I think we’ll need a bit more information about your situation.

He doesn’t live near to me so spending time together isn’t an option. We don’t have a bad relationship it is just distant. I tend to get involved in my own life and don’t include him not intentionally its kinda out of sight out of mind. I want it to be as strong with him as it is with my mom. He left when I was 7 and has been in and out since. I have just adjusted without including him. It sometimes feels contrived or forced. I want him to be interested in me and vice versa but i’m not sure if it will happen.

Well, you can’t force his interest in you (I know that sounds a bit harsh, I don’t mean it to) but can you spend time on the phone with him getting to know him better? You sound a bit ambivalent about the whole thing. Personally, I think he should be making the overtures, but everybody’s relationship with a parent is different. Don’t beat yourself up over this, jsut do as much as you’re comfortable with and be glad you’re close with your mom.

@sweetbee You can’t make your father be interested. it sounds from your brief capsule of history like your father has not been as interested in you as your mother has. He is unlikely to change now.

You can write letters to him telling him your feelings and your hopes for the relationship, but don’t be surprised if he does not change.

I hope you really value the parent who has shown how much she cares by always being there.

@sweetbee Reach out to him for some advise maybe? It can be anything, and you don’t need to take the advise, but it will probably make him feel good that you value his opinion. Do you know his interests and about his profession? End the conversation with you hope to talk again soon, or I enjoyed talking to you, something to encourage him to call or email. There is nothing wrong with outright stating to him you want to try and builder a better relationship if he is interested, and you can gauge by his response if he is happy about the idea. He might say it sounds great, or that he has always wanted to do that, or he might give you a luke warm answer and then maybe it will be more of a struggle or a dissappointment for you.

Is he on facebook? Maybe friend him so there is more contact without you having to directly talk to him, less pressure, and he can get to know you and your personality better.

I think it is a great idea to try. It will either stay the same or get better.

I don’t believe it is possible to be friends with family. For me that is true because I feel that family and friends are two different groups. I’m sure there is a lot of people who do not agree with me on this and that’s fine. It’s just that in my mind it is impossible to be friends with family.

@Mikewlf337 Nonsense! I’m friends with both my parents. Maybe it’s improbable for you, but that doesn’t mean it is for everyone else.

Have you tried a penpal thing, or skype? I have lunch with my dad once in a while, but maybe since you are not near him you could substitute by having lunch over skype.

Calling him up once in a while to see how he’s doing, or just to say hi is something both friends and family do. If he sees you are interested in his well-being, maybe he will return the favor.

@FluffyChicken I grew up in a household where discipline and order was the highest priority. Friendship with the parents would get in the way of their authority. Of course this no longer applies when the kid has grown up. I still don’t see my parents as freinds and I never will.

@Mikewlf337 my dad was that way when I was a kid,and was abusive to boot. Forgiveness does amazing things!

@FluffyChicken who said anything about not forgiving? Besides that is a subject for another thread. I don’t see my family as friends. I see them as family. Friends are people you care about outside of family.

I think most of us would like to think of ourselves as good people – especially towards our kids. If you can think of something he could give you at little cost to himself he’s likely to enjoy giving it to you.

For example, ask for advice. Maybe he knows cars, or real estate. You could tell him you’re writing a history of your family and you could call and ask about someone he would know about. Even if it’s transparent to him that you are using something as an excuse to call him, he may like it.

Obviously, it can appear that you are using him, so you want to be very appreciative of his help. But if you end every conversation with, “You’ve been a big help!” I’m pretty sure he’s going to look forward to your calls.

So I called my Dad today and just talked to him about a bunch of different things. He said something that made the call worthwhile.. “whether you call everyday or not doesn’t make me love you any less.” I told him that I plan to call more often and hopefully will see each other soon. Thanks for all the advice. :-)

@sweetbee Well, if you get separated by the rapture, at least you’ve got one nice memory. Thanks for letting us know.