Did your parents beat you as a child? How is your relationship now?

I still am a teen and do geat beaten up occasionally. So does my mum.
The reason I haven’t left home already is that I don’t want to leave my mum and my younger siblings on thier own. I’m the oldest child and my mum’s right hand girl. I’ll even regret to think what would happen if I left home now. But in the future, when I do leave home, I know that I will never speak to him for what he did.

Yes. My father was a drunk that beat us. I heard him tell my mom multiple times that he would kill us if she left him. Long story short, one night my dad bloodied my sisters head on the bathtub and she shot him in the head. I was ten and in the living room.

@queenie
Thank you for your answer. It looks like we may have a similar story.
I hope you keep yourself strong.

@johnpowell
Oh my goodness. I can’t even find the right words to respond to that. Thank you so much for sharing.
My father has never threatened to kill us (as far as I know) but he has threatened to kill himself. He has depression.

I have never been beaten by my parents or abused me in any way. I’m sorry for all the people in the world who have abusive parents. All the power to them to stay strong and be proud.

@johnpowell I’ve never told anyone this before, but you’ve touched my heart.
My father has indeed threatened to kill. He held a knife to my little brother’s throat once, telling my mum to apologise for something she had said, or else. She did and he left him, but my life is forever scarred knowing that a dad can do that to his own kid.

My dad beat my mother and I. I haven’t seen him is over 30 years (after mom kicked him out at gunpoint), or heard from him in over 20.

I lived with my father for a fairly short time and was never physically abused myself. He did however brutally beat my mum and brothers. He’s an alcoholic and his ability to see beyond himself is rather limited. Thankfully my mum had the strength to leave him all those years ago. I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve had to endure (as well as everyone else who has to endure abuse of any kind). I understand the anger you feel towards him.
Perhaps, in time you will be able to address the feelings beneath all of that anger and at some point hand his behaviour back to him.
It’s a painful place to be in. I have not spoken to my father for years and do not intend to any time soon, if ever again.

@jerv
My mother really needs courage like that.
She’s currently helping him off of the couch. After he beat my brother, he got drunk again.

My mom beat the crap out of me, and I think I subconsciously hate her freaking guts. I don’t even like hearing her speak for more than 2 seconds or I get very agitated. I only call her once a month and talk to her for 5 minutes as well.

@stardust
What do you mean by hand his behaviour back to him?
I have stood up to him. I stood up for my brother today, even though my mother told me to stop (because she thought it would escalate the situation).
Thank you for your support.

Thank you all for your answers.

When this story broke on the news I damn near shitted myself. I thought it was my sister. Same state and a out of work husband and three kids.

@naivete Sorry for the lack of clarity there. I suppose I mean that he is absolutely in control of his behaviour and makes the choices to do what he does. It is nobody’s fault except his own. I think I was thinking more of my own situation and what I had to do as I got older. I blamed a lot of things on myself and sometimes automatically think everyone else does. I hope that clarifies things a bit? I get angry even thinking about what he (and many other men and women around the world) is doing in spite of the fact that I do not know you

Yes when I did something wrong as liar, did not listen to my parents, broke house rules, rude to my family or friends, broke something in the house that was expensive, cut school, and did not do my chores. Thank you, RTT

@RTT
Still communicate with parents?

@naivete Yes I still do communicate with my parents. (Father) I pray a lot and go to church so I forgive what my father have done.It has taught me how to treat people nicer and be a better person. Thank you, RTT

Such tragic answers. My dad never touched me; my mom spanked me once, gently.
This was a sobering thread. I am so sorry for everyone who has suffered at the cruel hands of those we ‘re supposed to feel safe with.

Yeah. We really don’t have much contact, and when we do, it’s really superficial. I ended up being diagnosed with PTSD when I was 18, like my sister had been a couple years earlier (my parents were so confused as to what could have possibly traumatized her…) They’re more into emotional abuse than physical, physical was always more of a side dish, as it were. So now I record all our conversations for protection.

My biological parents did more than beat me as a child. I was burned with cigarettes, beaten until I blacked out, molested, and forced to do unimaginable things.

If murder was completely legal, they’d already be dead. I never want to see or hear from them ever again.

Ever since I was adopted, though, my new parents have been absolutely amazing. In this case, I am extremely lucky. I love both of them with all my heart!

@KatetheGreat
I’m so sorry to hear about your experience.
Sometimes I wonder how people can treat something that is apart of them so violently.
... But then I realize that people treat themselves violently as well.

Yes, they did and no we don’t have a great relationship. Dad’s dead now, life’s the better for it. Mom and I are better but I remember everything and don’t forgive.

My heart is breaking reading all of your stories. I’m so, so sorry about what you’ve endured (and are still enduring). For those of you still in these situations, is there any way to let a trusted adult know what’s going on? Get the police or CPS involved?

I was spanked when I was a kid. I would take a million spankings if I could see my parents again. Especially my mom. She died in December and my Dad died when I was 10.
Edit:
I should have read the details. I in no way want to minimize the abuse you’re enduring @naivete. There is a difference between a spanking and a beating and my relationship and longing for my parents would be very different I would guess, if I went through what you’re going through.

Oh, my dear. Your mom may not know how to handle taking care of the financial or other needs of your family if she leaves him. It’s that hard. Many women were brought up to obey the person in authority and to take care of people.

Is there no one else you can talk to who’s near you? Since you can’t make anyone do anything they’re not ready for, your best bet is to find another adult who can show her friendship and support so that when she is ready, there’s a network of help she can turn to. You and your brother also need help now. If not getting CPS involved, is there a relative or family friend who might give you some refuge?

To answer your question, I don’t know my father or his family, but I was abused terribly by several of my maternal relatives. Frequent beatings were part of that. I have no relationship of any kind with any of my biological relatives.

@augustlan Getting CPS/Police involved is more what happens when you’re in a John Hughes movie than what happens in real life. I told plenty of people what was going on when I was a kid; the most help I ever got was someone refraining to say “Well, you know, your parents do love you.”

Sounds like you need social services involved for your brothers sake, abuse tends to escalate not get better. I feel bad right now for your brother and he needs to get out and I feel bad for what abuse you have already been through. Do something for your brothers sake.

@KatetheGreat; Wow. You seem so well adjusted. (Then again, this is the intranet.)
Questions I always wondered about kids rescued from your situation. If they are to hard or to personal, tell me to mind my own business OK?
What did you do to overcome the pain and horror? Do you think that your experience still haunts you? Does it still hold you back at all? How do you think your life would be now if you had not been rescued? How do you think your life would be different now, if you had been BORN INTO your adoptive family?

I have a very superficial relationship with my dad. I do obligatory family and that’s all.

Yep, and they got reported to some agency thing. I’m proud of it cause they deserved it!

Yes, I was beaten as a child, but by my mother’s boyfriends. She passed back in 06, and we got really close before that happened.

I was never beaten. I was spanked teice when I was very very little, I think my parents were young and trying to figure out the best way to discipline, and very quickly dumped the idea of hitting out the window. I can’t believe these stories, so very sad, I feel for all of you going through or witnessing such awful abuse. Please please please if you find yourself becoming the abusive one, get help learning other ways to handle anger and other ways to relate to your spouse and children.

I have to wonder how many of you with abusive parents, were they abused as children and hated their own parents for the abuse?

In my family it was my older brother who was bigger and stronger than anyone else including my father. He was a vicious violent abusive alcoholic. He was NEVER beaten as a child, although probably received a swat on the bottom occasionally as did my other brother and I (and we are reasonably normal non abusive human beings). But he was constantly breaking things, threatening to kill us and my dog. It took me years to come to grips with the trauma his behavior instilled in me as I was growing up. He was 15 years older than me. I truly had fury and rage pent up inside me, it skewed my outlook and attitude toward life. I was lucky and found an excellent counselor and then found ACOA or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Between the 2 my life was saved and I learned how to live.

Please find an ACOC meeting to attend. It is the best place to be. There is such relief in being in a room with other people who understand how you feel and probably have felt or are feeling the same. Hearing how others deal with their anger issues and sharing ones experience, strength and hope is fantastic.

Not all meetings are the same, if the first one you attend doesn’t feel like home, so to speak, look for another. When you find the right one, honest to goodness, the sense of belonging and relief will be palpable.

Good luck.

No, I received what I believe to be a normal amount of spanking, small swats for small issues, and about four times in my childhood, I was hit with a switch or belt for major offenses. My parents made it very clear that I was loved, and the spankings were for training purposes only.

I don’t ever remember being hit as a young child. After my mother died when I was 12 my father began to hit me, he continued to physically abuse me throughout high school. It was an awful experience. It took me years to understand that it wasn’t my fault and there is never any reason for anyone to be treated that way. I am in my 40’s now and my father is an old man. I do believe he truly regrets his behavior toward me but does not have the ability to come out and say it. Like @tinyfaery, I do the obligatory family stuff with him and not much else.

My parents were somewhat physically abusive and definitely verbally abusive. Not once did I ever make excuses for them or believe the bs they tried to believe themselves which made our household very tense.

Our relationships are fine now, mostly because I’m stubborn and have been willing many times to have little or no contact. I let them as close as they want to be until they cross a line and then I pull back.

Do yourself a favor and get out as quickly as you can securely and never go back. Don’t be guilted into giving them anymore of you than you feel comfortable with. We’d all like to have easy going family relationships and we all want to do the “right thing” by trying and trying and trying all we can to make things good or change things. Do 70% of what you think you should and you’ll be fine. People like us are commonly overly indulgent with family when it’s not in our best interest to be. Good Luck.

No, my parents never did such a thing. My mom was a major shit talker though. We get along now. She’s more relaxed now we’re all grown.

My mother has BPD. She emotionally manipulated and psychologically abused me (and my father, for that matter) until long into my adulthood. However, my younger brother would receive regular beatings, in addition to the emotional and psychological abuse that I had put up with.The “authorities” were called a couple of times but like @MyNewtBoobs , nothing was ever done.
To answer @naivete‘s question- I have no contact with my family. My father isn’t permitted to contact me and its too painful to talk to my brother. I’m pretty sure he developed BPD through the abuse he suffered while I deal with PTSD. I refuse to speak with my momster.

@Raven_Rising Ah, mothers with BPD. What fun. Mine has it, too.

Ok, I just want to go on a bit of a rant, because here seems like a good place to do it.

Why do people tell kids that are having a rough time with their parents that their parents love them? This always really, really bothered me. For one thing, you have to be really, intimately familiar with a situation to know that it’s actually, definitely, 100% true. My parents are rich, white, and respectable: They do not look or act even remotely like stereotypical “abusive” parents. But somehow, that didn’t mean that they weren’t behind closed doors. But more to the point, how does that help anything? Let’s say that my mother does love me, that she sued me out of love (true story). How does that ease my mind? Love doesn’t mean I still don’t have to get a lawyer and fight her. Love doesn’t mean I’m not still up nights worrying about if she wins (she didn’t). No one ever tells kids who have been molested “Hey, don’t be mad at your dad for sticking his privates up yours, because he did it because he thought it was how best to show his love for you”. Ok, I’m actually pretty sure we do tell kids who have been molested that; it seems to be part of the problem in dealing with it. But it’s always the family members trying to hide it, or rationalize it, or not deal with it that say that – never Benson and Stabler! But the point is, in extreme cases, we realize that coming as a loving intention doesn’t make it all better, so why do we say it in less extreme situations? Hell, even if it’s just that parents took the cell phone away from the 15 year old, and no abuse was involved, how does that really help the kid? Doesn’t that just say to them that the parent’s intentions are the only thing that matter, that actions don’t matter, and that whatever the kid is going through is besides the point and they are inferior to the parent?

<end rant>

@MyNewtBoobs The hour long rages, the drastic flip flops in reasoning….ah, the memories I wish that never were. Sorry to hear you had a momster too.

@Raven_Rising A momster. Oh. My. GAWD. That’s adorable. I have now added that to my vocab.

Are you guys talking about Bi-Polar or Borderline Personality? If the latter, my mom, too. :(

@augustlan Borderline. I’m pretty sure that in the psych community, BPD is always borderline – it’s only in the lay society that it’s bipolar.

@MyNewtBoobs Thanks, but I’m afraid I can’t claim credit for it. I picked the term up from the BPDFamily message board a few years back. Some good info on there as well.

@augustlan Sorry to hear it. Yeah, I was referring to Borderline Personality Disorder. She was diagnosed during one of her many admissions to the mental heath unit for depression/suicidal ideation. She refuses to acknowledge any mental health problems other than the depression though and refuses to get treatment.

@Raven_Rising – Yours too, huh? And when I told her that I couldn’t maintain a relationship with her if she didn’t get help, she called me an ungrateful, selfish bitch to anyone who’d listen, and her son had a series of choice names for me; this man who was unwilling to get her committed when she was acting out. He actually wanted me to dump my then-boyfriend, quit my job, leave NYC and move back in with her to babysit her for life.

You bet your bippy I said, “No” and to hell with whatever feeble names he wanted to call me. It’s not that they are ill that’s repulsive. I feel horrible that she has BPD and I wish she were well, for her sake. It must be hell living in her mind. But when people are telling them need help and they refuse to get it, what are we supposed to do? Enable them? Placate them? Stand there and take their abuse because they’re ill, but won’t acknowledge it or stubbornly deny it?

I’ll be damned if I allowed her to beat me or scream at me like she did when I was a kid, and she sure tried to. I was the only thing in her life she felt she had control over and it was a battle royal for her when I refused to let her touch me as an adult. Oh, the rage. Incandescent. But if she won’t get help, or wants the “right” to treat me as she wishes and not how decent adults treat each other, then I have no reason to be around her. I can’t, if I want to maintain my own sanity.

How sad is this, though? Generations of abuse and untreated mental illness have resulted in a fractured family.