Giving a ride to a opposite sex colleague?

Jealousy ftl ^^ .

Talk a bit with your husband and ask where is the trust.

P.S. welcome on fluther.

It could also be that he worries about the safety of you and the children because he doesn’t know this person. We could speculate all day; I second the vote to have a chat with your husband.

Talk to your husband, and explain what you told us, and that nothing happened, and that you love Him!

I tried talking to him, explained nothing there. And was told I had “Crossed the line, and betrayed his trust”. This is someone he has known since they were both little. The gentleman in question is VERY married. We have been on the board of the local assocation for over 5 years together. I truly don’t udnerstand how this is even an issue, my kids were in the car for goodness sakes.

If I had something to hide, would I have been honest and told him?

@ColoradoMom; Given on the information you’ve provided, I find this very troubling.

“Crossed the line and betrayed his trust”? Is there a deeper issue here? You need to sit down calmly and have a conversation about what is really going on.

Sorry. You have reason to be concerned. Good luck

@ColoradoMom Your husband seems very jealous. There might be some addtional things you ” did ” but you don’t even realize. Chat with him privately.

I don’t think it is me. His ex-wife cheated alot.

You guys have been together for how long and this is the first time he’s shown jealousy like this?

About ten years. No his jealousy is silly, but the first time over this kind of a work related issue.

I guess I am not sure if it was the wrong thing to do to have a man in my vehicle, I was driving, had my kids in the car, and drove straight to fields, and straight back to the office? Yes, this is probably the first time he has blown up like this. Been over 24 hours since he got angry.

Maybe when your husband’s ex-wife cheated on him, Car Guy was a partner in the crime, and he never told you.

Nope Car Guy wasn’t the partner in crime it was her brother in law, who is now her hubby.

Ouch!

@ColoradoMom So for ten years, you’ve never been alone (or just without him) with another male, or at least to his knowledge you never have? It seems strange that he’s so jealous about something that is so normal and probably has to have occurred multiple times in the course of ten years. I go to lunch with women I work with, I’ve helped women move etc. Sometimes adults just have to realize that you have to get along with and work with the opposite sex lol. But, like the others answers stated, I’m just as lost and only talking to your husband will help solve this.

When I was working 35 miles away, I found a coworker of the opposite sex (and very attractive) lived about 1 mile from me, so we began commuting together.
The first day, when she dropped me off, I asked her to come in and meet my wife, which made both of them very happy. It cut down any possible sexual tension between us, and my wife had reassurance that I am going to be a good husband.

Tell him crazed jealously makes you uncomfortable.

Blackberry I agree. I guess I just wanted to make sure that my thinking he is being crazy ridiculous is not out of line.

The man has trust issues. Seriously, tell him to get help with them or he will end up trying to control everythign you do. About a year after I got my married my husband started gettign a lift to work from a work mate. A very young and very pretty woman. I used to kiss him goodbye and watch him climb into the front seat next to her. I never had a problem with ti because I trusted him. Her partner, however, raved and stormed over it and eventually she stopped picking up my husband simply to appease her boyfriend. I don’t know if their relationship lasted but we just celebrated 26 years together. Nothing rips a relationship apart as quickly as jealousy.

@ColoradoMom…..You stated it in one answer for me: “His ex-wife cheated a lot.”

Let me give you another view….take a big breath.

I was once with a serial cheater. I think that perhaps you need to understand what goes on in the minds of people who have been betrayed over and over by a partner/spouse. Something that seemed really innocent to you, meant a lot more to him. I am not condoning his reaction…I am just saying that what you did “triggered” a memory in him that is not something pleasant.

His wife’s cheating may have started that innocently, too….“Oh, honey, I just ran into Bozo at the store and we had a chat about his clown shoes….next thing I knew, it got late and I had to drop him off at the Big Top…” Perhaps the ‘innocent relationship” was started with her giving Bozo rides all the time. So, even if you are the most trustworthy person on the planet, he will not hear what you are saying. It’s rather like a post-traumatic reaction. Maybe he is feeling vulnerable about his own masculinity (did he lose his job recently, is he losing his hair, is your intimate life what it should be?)

One book that might give you some insight into this situation (and he might also want to read it to open up a dialogue and help himself) is this link

I am really speaking from someone who has been in your spouse’s shoes. I am not defending his actions…but I am understanding that what he is reacting from is great pain. Jealousy (unless he is a crazed sociopath) sometimes comes from having been betrayed.

Open up a dialogue rather than attack each other.

“Do you want to talk about what you felt when you heard me say that I had given him a ride? What was your greatest fear? Did you feel like you did back when you were with Miss Not-A-Bed-Of-Roses? ”

Then, let him talk and get out the feelings that came up for him…and reassure him. But what he really needs (maybe both of you) is to get some help…he is clearly not over the pain. I hope the book might help, too.

Good luck.

@DarlingRhadamanthus I really understand that point of view, my exboyfriend was a serial cheater and pretty much his whole family had wives and girlfriends and we all knew both of them. The lying, cheating, was horrific. But, with my husband I trust him. There have been one or two times in our long marriage that I got that ick feeling, mostly due to the crap I went through with my ex, a small thing can tap into that feeling of mistrust, but I would not accuse my husband of betraying me, I would tell him my worry or discomfort, I would not be angry.

@ColoradoMom How did your husband find out? Did you mention it as a normal part of conversation, or did your kids say something?

Your husband is way overboard on this in my opinion, unless you frequently do things that raise his antennas. If you are in any way having any sort of “affair” right now, and I am including just an emotional affair, or a strong flrtation with a particular someone, he is picking up on all the different things you have been doing differently. How you act towards him, and then he is correct in my opinion.

And just to add to my answer….if the person I was involved with at the time had come home and said he had given a ride home to a woman, I would have been livid. Not because I was “jealous” but because I knew that this was the “signal” that he was on the prowl again. Women can detect patterns. We aren’t stupid. He was that transparent. He would have propositioned a moose if she had fit in his car and/or worked with him. As long as she was fair game (no pun intended) lol okay that was a bit of antler humor

Some people are sex addicts (think of the news of this past week.) And nothing will change that.

@ColoradoMom Having your kids in the car would mean nothing for a chronic cheater, my ex’s family had their children around the mistresses.

@JLeslie….Knowing you through your thoughtful answers on the boards, I have no doubt that you have done a lot of inner level/spiritual/emotional work on yourself. Your reaction is one born out of grace and thought and lots of introspection and work on yourself coupled with a loving open relationship.

It may be that CM’s husband may not have the wherewithal to deal with the emotions that he has bottled up for years (as men do at times.) That’s what I was getting at….hope this makes sense.

@DarlingRhadamanthus Thank you for those very nice words. I just see my husband as a totally different person than my ex. Although, if he cheated I would just think men suck, even though I don’t expect him to cheat, after that boyfriend I pretty much think all men are very capable of it. True men tend to bottle things up, that I agree with.

Wow!! Talk about insecurity? Has he always been that way? Maybe there’s something more to his feelings that he’s just not saying? Talk to him, and reassure him of your love and faithfulness.

@JLeslie….I agree that a chronic cheater would take his children (I’ve known of that too.) “Children, this is Miss Tumpkins, my dear friend.” My ex wanted to introduce me to one of his Miss Shenanigans….to somehow throw me off-track. I refused. And of course, it all came out later.

I knew of a woman who was having an affair with a married man and showed up at his store (where he worked with his wife) and he quickly invited her to grab lunch with him and his wife! I was appalled that this woman had done that! The husband made some lame excuse like: “Oh, this is my friend….” And the wife just didn’t say anything and went along (she must have known, but was probably shocked.) That took nerve.

The reason she showed up at his store unannounced? Because she was upset that he had not called her and was fed up that he never did leave his wife as he had promised so many times. Men get so wrapped up in the “fantasy” that they may not realize they are dealing with someone who is a bit off-the-beam.

Maybe your husband knows something about this colleague that you don’t. Plus you guys checked out a wet field to see if it was too wet, this has sexual euphemism written all over it.

But in all honesty, seems like a pretty minor offense to be considered “crossing the line”. Sounds like something else is going on behind the scenes in his mind. Also, would he prefer that the colleague drive separately? Would that had made a difference?

If he doesn’t fess up to what the real issues are here then I’d tell your husband sorry to offend but until the real issues are worked out theres nothing you can do to appease him.

Just my opinion but your husband needs to get a grip. Had this man been a complete stranger….yeah bad move on your part, but him being a long time friend of your Hubby…just seems a bit over the top….unless there is more to the story here. Is there something he knows or may know about this man that is giving him cause to be upset??

@DarlingRhadamanthus The kids pretty quickly figured out what that friend was in my situation, and once they were teens there was not really any hiding. We would be at family picnics on Sundays and the girlfriends would be along sometimes. All the extended family and children were there.

Complete fucking bullshit. BUT: dealing with complete fucking bullshit is sometimes part of a relationship. We all come with baggage, and this is his. Yes, it’s unreasonable. No, you didn’t do anything wrong. I think @DarlingRhadamanthus is right: you have to open up a dialogue and help him work through this. Then he needs to learn that he can’t fly off the handle every time you speak to another man. He probably knows he overreacted. Give him a way to save a bit of face while calming down. But once he’s being reasonable again, gently remind him that his actions aren’t to be repeated. See what you can do to help him with that, but don’t give away the farm. You have to be allowed to drive non-threatening men to non-threatening places.

Additional background on this. I work from home so I don’t really go anywhere. I told my husband in casual conversation, and I offered my friend a ride. There really is nothing more to this. The fields are 20 miles from the office, a decision had to be made. It had been raining, were the fields too wet for young children to play on, there are all kinds of injury possiblities on soggy fields. I truly thought nothing of this. Hopefully in the next day or two he will want to talk. Unfortunately he is a brooder and this could go on for days until I break even though I did nothing wrong. Oh I have gained 20 pounds in the last year, due to complications from cancer surgery, don’t wear makeup unless I am going somewhere with him etc etc. No red flags have been raised as there are none to raise on my part.

Is this guy young and hot looking?

Me thinks the gentleman protests too much. Are you sure he’s not cheating on you? If this type of behavior is out of character for him, then he’s projecting his own actions onto you.

Yes, I was thinking that. Some things that could be relevant here no one mentioned:
1) is the man handsome?
2) have you told your spouse more than once how handsome YOU think he is?
3) does your spouse think YOU are a knockout? But he himself isn’t so much of one?
4) has the man told your spouse anything complimentary about you?
These are the kinds of suspicisions I have that have caused his reaction.
Most of the posters seem to think your spouse will sit down with you and carry on a calm, reasonable “Dr Phil” type of discussion. I wouldn’t be so sure.

Ok the fellow is not at all nice looking, and he is remember VERY married. I have never told my spouse this gentleman is handsome as he is not.

My spouse will not have a sit down conversation, not his style. Gets angry storms out of the house and then drinks too much.

OK so could his anger be an excuse to hit the bottle? Pretty lame excuse if you ask me. But he sure wouldn’t be the first to behave like that.
If it were me, I’d just roll my eyes and not talk about it anymore. See, when you keep protesting he thinks he’s “gotcha.” So just treat him like a little child and change the subject. JMHO

Sounds like you’re married to a control freak.

1. He thinks you’re majorly hot and every guy wants in your pants.
2. He thinks you’re untrustworthy. If you haven’t given him reason to think this in the past, then this is a major insult.
3. He’s cheating on you, and is projecting his own actions on you. Why else would he think this is a reasonable possibility?
4. He’s looking for an excuse to drink.
5. He has anger management issues, and needs to be in treatment.

Haven’t read all the responses here but “his ex wife cheated a lot” says it all. He is insecure and feels vulnerable. I think a bit of counselling and a lot of patience is required. I certainly do not think it is okay for him to be so jealous and possessive though. Or to hit the bottle and it sounds like be abusive at least emotionally. Yes, he obviously has trust issues relating to another relationship but he needs to find a way to put that behind him. I suspect you may both need some help to do that though. If he can’t get beyond this, I’m sorry but I wouldn’t stick around.

I agree 100% with @Bellatrix

Not a good sign.

Not to sound harsh, but, he is showing signs of abuse and control.

Healthy people do not react that way in a healthy, trusting relationship.

It will get WORSE without some sort of intervention and HIS desire to heal and understand his internal dynamics.

I’m not going to join the band wagon on him being abusive since you say this is the first time he has behaved this way, but his running away to go hit the bottle isn’t healthy behavior. If this also isn’t a regular reaction that he has to arguements than it may be that he is just PM’sing. Yes men, PMS as well. Their hormone levels can fluctuate and cause them to act a little erratic time from time.
This is a perfect example of reverse bias.
When a woman is behaving erratic, she is definetly PM’sing even if she already passed her cycle, and if a man is behaving erratic, he is an abusive control freak.
Best thing to do is sit down and talk to him to see why is he suddenly feeling so insecure if he has been fine before. Maybe he is feeling you guys are growing apart and that was the first sign of his previous wife’s affair.
Or maybe he is drinking more than usual and is having erratic behavior when he hasn’t been drinking for a while (withdrawls).
Whether his actions are silly or not, you aren’t going to figure out what is the real issue till you sit and talk it out with each other.
It could also be something silly that he misinterpeted or maybe he’s not even jealous. Maybe he just thinks the guy is a real jerk and he doesn’t want you associating with him in any way or doing him any favors.
A million possibilties but you won’t know till you talk with him.

I suggest you attend an Al-anon class for family and friends. Here’s a link. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Just as a warning: If he’s all nutzy about you regarding his friend, he really won’t like you going to a meeting like this. Your proof will be if he gets mad at you for going.

Go anyway! You need it!

Perhaps he’s projecting his own feelings or behaviors onto you—ie, what he is doing or would like to do. That would be one reason for such unexplained anger in this situation.

@skfinkel That is exactly why cheaters tend to be possessive idiots. It can be observed well in the macho cultures.