Think carefully before you answer: Do you automatically assume that a man with children has been married?

No,not at all for either a man or a woman.I really don’t give it alot of thought either way.:)

Honestly, I think that for me it depends on the man’s age. If he’s over 35, I’ll assume he’s been married. If he’s younger than that, I won’t make an assumption either way.

I won’t ever assume a single mom has been married.

I have no idea why – there’s no reasoning or logic to it, and I know that it’s just as likely for a mom to have been married (or not) as it is for a dad. That’s just where my mind goes, for some reason.

I never thought about it. I think I tend to think anyone with children is married and divorced unless I learn otherwise.

I never really think about it at all, if anything, I just assume he had a relationship that didn’t work out. I guess I would be more inclined to think a single mother has been married, because as a generalization, I imagine most women wanting security for themselves and children which is what some people see marriage as, but there are people that just have kids and figure out after the kid that they aren’t compatible.

Actually, I think it does depend on age. When a woman is a single parent and young, I don’t se them as being married, but an older woman, yes.

I had a feeling that most people would say that it isn’t something that they think about. I’m sure that it isn’t something that you think about, until it comes up. It just feels very obvious to me that there is a strange double standard, because it is such a significant part of my life.

Made me curious, I had to wonder if anyone else at all had noticed a similar pattern.

I don’t tend to assume well, sometimes I guess I do but I am amazed at the number of people most of them, in fact that do assume that I’ve been married, and are shocked to find out I haven’t. Maybe it’s my age.

No I don’t ASSume anything at all especially in this day and age when traditional models for life and especially companionship have all but been abandoned. Never ASSume anything and it looks as though we are going to have to start guessing at gender now too.

@JilltheTooth okay, there we go. You have personally experienced something similar… so it isn’t necessarily related to being male or female. I know that what I have seen is only one tiny slice of the pie, so I know it isn’t exactly a reliable scientific experiment. Just something that got my gears turning. :)

@Cruiser Lol. You don’t live in Toronto, it’s OK :)

@Blackberry I am ASSuming Toronto is not the first nor the last to do what those parents are doing. Dangit!! I was not supposed to do that! XD

@Cruiser Yeah, you’re most likely correct lol.

No, but when the children look up to this man and call him “daddy”, it’s a pretty good assumption that he has a wedding band hidden somewhere.

Well I try to not assume anything but if I’m making marriage assumptions, I’m not more likely to assume that a man w/kids has been married before.

I never assume people are married, just like I never assume they are heterosexual. I try to say partner, relationship, and other terms like that because these are neutral and don’t assume anything. I moved to a more rural insular place and was often corrected when I used these terms – ‘it’s my husband’ ‘we’re married’. People were insulted because they thought I had assumed they weren’t married. So now if I know they are married I will say husband and if I know they are not I will say partner and if I don’t know I say partner and wait to be told off.

Yes.

Hey @ANef_is_Enuf -

On thinking about it.. I think you’re on to something here.

I’m a step-mom, too. I met and began dating my now husband when he was a single parent to a 1 year old daughter. Interestingly, I had met him once before a year prior with a group of other work folks and totally forgot him instantly.
The first time we met (apparently) was when we were both at a trade show and it was his first trip after his daughter (now my step-daughter) was born.
I vaguely remember him passing around this laminated baby photo and instantly wrote him off as married. He made like ZERO impression on me..because I was so not interested in marriage or babies at that point in my life. I barely remember meeting him the 1st time.

So, at least in that case, I totally leaped to the conclusion: has a baby = is married. (In truth, they were intending to divorce and were separated before she ever got pregnant, and were divorced by the time the baby was 1.)

As for people’s assumptions about women..my husband traveled extensively (well over 75% of the time) early in our marriage so there were a good 5 or 6 years where I sure felt (and often looked) like a single mom.

What I found most odd was that although I was nearly the same age my my step-daughter’s biomom I constantly had people assuming I was just a babysitter. (Woman with kids and no man in sight must = babysitter or unmarried.)
This persisted for a long while after I was married to my hubby and raising my SD..even after we started to have children of our own. (Which strikes me as SO ridiculous. I’m a nursing mom with baby spit up on my shoulder and you’re mistaking me as “just the babysitter”? Do I LOOK like I’m leaving these kids at night and getting a full night’s sleep? Sheesh.) I’m not THAT young looking! (I didn’t even meet my hubby till I was 29. So this was when I was in my early thirties.)

The most fun I ever had with other people’s assumptions were those “Meet the Teacher” nights at the start of the school year where the Bio Mom and me would go with my step-daughter to meet her new teacher, classmates and see her classroom. Because my husband traveled so much he often missed these..so it would just be the “two moms” and my step daughter.
Now THAT was fun to see people in our small (conservative) town rubber necking at the two moms and trying to figure out if they were seeing their first ever lesbian parents with children in our town.

@geeky_mama thank you! I didn’t expect to reach a magical conclusion by posting here, because, again, I suspected that most people really didn’t think about it. But I am convinced that I’m onto something, so I appreciate you saying so and sharing your experience.
(I also adore you to pieces now for using step-parent lingo like SD and biomom. lol.

Don’t flame me for my answer.

If the person is from USA or (less so for) UK, then I will be inclined to think he might be married or has fathered an illegitimate child.

If the person is not from the two above, then I will be inclined to think he is married.

Anyone I just met and mention to me they have kids I automatically assume they are married… If a friend or a family member tells me he or she is dating someone with a kid or kids, I automatically assume they are single parents… unless of course my friend or a family member tells me they are dating someone who was married.

Not at all. I often wonder if he’s married.

When I see children in a public place, the first thing I wonder about is whether they’re going to be noisy or get in my way.

In regard to your question, if I saw a man with children, I would probably guess that he’s married and his wife is either using the restroom, at work, or home.

If I saw a woman with children, same as above, except replace wife with husband.

@Brian1946 “When I see children in a public place, the first thing I wonder about is whether they’re going to be noisy or get in my way.”
Aye.

Nope.

I think there is a pretty strong pre-judgment that a single man with children was married before, as the legal prejudice is pretty well demonstrated that custody goes to the mother unless the child is endangered. (Even then, the father has a hard time).

I am sure it has happened, but I have never heard of a single straight man being able to adopt a child because he wants to be a father, only if he has a pre-existing relationship of some sort to the child

Men have a long history of shirking their marital duties when it comes to child support. Even courts assume that the child belongs to the mother and very seldom awards the father custody. This has changed a bit in recent years but women, overwhelmingly get custody.

The only time a guy gets the kids are if the mother dies or the man goes to court and proves that the woman would be an unfit mother. I know that there are exceptions where a woman will voluntarily relinquish custody but those cases are very rare.

Therefore it is quite reasonable to assume that a man with children and now wife is divorced or most likely a widower. That in fact would be my assumption. When I’ve encountered the situation the subject comes up and the father is very willing to explain the situation. The usual answer, in my experience is that “the mother is bat-shit crazy and if I didn’t take the kids they would likely be dead or severely neglected”.

I just want to clarify, to everyone… that just because a man is not the primary custodial parent, that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t be seen in public with his children. Courts do grant joint custody and visitation.

I don’t think it. My ex and I had kids out of wed lock so I guess this could be why I think the way I do. Plus, where I grew up there were a lot of teen dads.

No, because I grew up in an area where married couples were the outliers. Adult men from 25–50, period, were a rarity in my neighbourhood. Just about anyone who had a child was a single, never-been-married woman and maybe a dude came around if it was almost the first of the month (and don’t even get me started about that mess).

Only at school, which was in a wealthy area, did I meet kids who had two active parents, either married or divorced.

I’m not sure I assume anything, but we can take this from a different angle and ask what would be more surprising to find out. If I see a man with children who seem to be his, I don’t think I would be surprised to discover that he was either currently in a serious relationship or had previously been married. But I probably would be surprised to discover that the children were from a previous relationship that had never involved marriage. Obviously, there’s no good reason for this disparity. I suspect, however, that it stems from the fact that I grew up with the impression that fleeing from one’s illegitimate children was both common and expected (even if a terrible thing to do).

My impression does not come from anything that happened in my family, but rather from people I knew and grew up with.

When I really thought about it which I hadn’t before reading your question I do think I assume men with children have been married before. I really have no idea why I make that assumption but I do. Now that I noticed it I might not be so quick to think that anymore!

No. Can’t say it’s something I think about.

I’d say mostly. If they’re daughters, then that may lead me to think that he’s single…not sure why.

Yes.