Tell the best joke you have?
Asked by
pisewes (
36
)
June 2nd, 2011
Aight guys, let’s see what you got! :D
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43 Answers
Mans dog has no energy. The dog just lays in front of the fireplace and never moves. Man thinks his dog is dead. He takes his dog to the vet for a checkup.
Dogs bloodwork turns out okay and he does not have worms. Vet places the dog on a table and opens a cage, occupied by a cat. Cat runs several circles around the dog. Dog is still unresponsive and just lays there.
Vet says, “your dog is in good physical shape. I find nothing wrong with him.”
As the man and his dog prepare to leave the vet’s office, he is handed his bill for the services. It’s $350.00.
”$350.00!!!!!”, the man shouts….why so much?
Vet states, “the office visit is $50.00”.
“What about the $300.00?”, he shouts.
“CAT SCAN”, the vet replies.
Note: it may not be too funny, but at least it’s a clean joke.
Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Oh my, well…just a silly little short one I have always thought was funny.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you get an onion with floppy ears,
But…
Every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye!
Coloma, you made me laugh…....jp
What do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad.
Judge: “I’m sorry Mr Mouse, but you can’t divorce your wife because she’s crazy.”
Mickey Mouse: “I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!”
There was once an island far far away that was populated by a group of diminutive people known as “Trids”. The Trids were a happy group who lead a carefree life on their island with one small exception. On the other side of the island lived a giant who once and awhile liked to visit the Trid side of the island and make sport of seeing just how far he could kick the little fellows.
One day a rabbi who was traveling the world landed on the island and was delighted to discover the happy Trid village. He was welcomed with open arms and enjoyed several weeks of their hospitality. Of course, eventually the inevitable happened. The giant showed up to enjoy his favorite past time of Trid kicking. The rabbi, shocked and dismayed, went over to the giant and asked why he would take pleasure in such a thing. The giant replied:
“Silly rabbi, don’t you know that kicks are for Trids!”
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
“Ack, hack, hack, hock!”
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park your car, man!
The pharmacist was surprised when the Scottish Royal Sargent Major, wearing his full dress kilt and sporran, walked into the shop.
The Sargent Major opened up his sporran, reached out, and threw an old condom on the counter and asked, “How much to have it r-r-r-repair-r-red?”
The pharmacist said, “50 cents”.
The RSM then asked, “how much ferrr a nooo one?”
The pharmacist answered, “35 cents, but you have to buy them in packs of three.”
The Sargent Major picked up the condom, put it back in his sporran, said “Thank you ver-r-y much” and walked out.
The next day the Sargent Major walked back into the shop, through the condom on the counter, and said, “The R-R-Regiment voted to have it r-r-r-repair-r-red!”.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away? Think again.
Apple = vitamins
vitamins = power
power = work
work = money
money = women
women = wife
wife = stress
stress = high BP ( blood pressure )
High BP = death.
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Do you really think you should have an apple a day?
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was in tents!
What do you call a fly with no wings?
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Wait for it…
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A walk.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in public?
A private tutor.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?
Because he was hit by a bus.
This is a lengthy one, but it’s much funnier Alright, so all of the angels in heaven were having a contest to see who of them was the greatest. After many heated competitions, it came down to just two; Longfellow and Shakespeare. Both of them being good with their words, they were challenged to create a poem using the word “Timbuktu”. Shakespeare generously let Longfellow go first.
Longfellow cleared his throat, saying “Slowly across the desert lands, Trekked the dusty caravans, Men on camels, two by to, destination – Timbuktu.” The angels were thoroughly impressed. How could Shakespeare top that, they wondered? Out of pity they let him perform his poem.
Calmly, he said to them, “My friend Tim and I a hunting went, and spied three maidens in a tent. With them being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Timbuktu.”
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, “Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one sucking the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A koala bear walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Before too long an attractive woman comes over and starts outrageously flirting with him. By the second drink, he can stand it no longer and propositions her to go back to his hotel room. She readily agrees and back at the hotel room, they start to get busy.
He throws her down on the bed and performs oral sex on her for hours until she’s spent, completely exhausted.
The koala bear says, “thank you” to the woman and heads for the door
The woman stops him and say “whoah, hold up there Koala, you need to pay me, I’m a prostitute”
Koala says, “excuse me miss, I’m a koala and I have no idea what that means.”
The girl says, “by definition a prostitute is a person who performs sexual favors in exchange for money… “
The Koala says, “Oh, well, I’m very sorry… didn’t you notice I’m a KOALA bear?” The girl looks at him with confusion,
The Koala sighs and says “by definition a Koala bear eats bushes and leaves”
Oh my, a flashback to a joke my alcoholic uncle once told me…
(to be delivered in best British accent…)
So an Englishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar and each is waiting for the other to pick up the next round. After a couple of uncomfortable minutes the Englishman looks up and begins a fantastic tail of his last safari.
…There I was in the deepest darkest part of the jungle, when suddenly we were charged by a ferocious lion. I hardly had any time to reach when he sprung upon us. I dropped to my back and while the beast was in mid flight over me I managed to raise my pistol and shot him right between the “yours”...
The Scotsman replied. My god man, that is a fantastic tail, but I have to ask “What’s yours?”
To which the Englishman replied: “I’ll have scotch and soda, what’ll you have.”
This is the most cheesy joke I know and because of that I love it.
Two pretzels were walking down the street….. One was assaulted.
Ok, ok… I must need a good laugh today. Last one for now….
The story of Nate the Snake:
Nate was a happy snake who lived in the middle of the desert. Each day was occupied sunning and catching the occasional varmint to snack on. Then one day a group of scientists came and installed a big lever near Nate’s den that, when pulled, would blow up the world. It became quite the tourist attraction, and Nate, being a gregarious snake also was becoming quite the celebrity. Each day he would go out and scare a tourist or two and, perhaps, act like he was going to pull the lever. Eventually he became the most famous snake in the world.
Then one fateful night a truck driver was traveling down that lonely desert road near Nate’s home. Nate just happened to have fallen asleep on the asphalt and by the time he awoke it was much to late to move out of the truck drivers way. The truck driver had to make a quick decision, he could swerve, hit the lever, and blow up the world, or he could kill the most famous snake on the planet. So, he made his decision and, alas, Nate was no more.
Later when asked why he killed the famous Nate the Snake the driver could only reply:
“Better Nate than lever!”
How would you know if you’re a real alcoholic?
Answer : When you walk into a bar for the first time and the bartender greets you by your first name.
I really don’t tell jokes, I just make funny comments.
The other day my back hurt quite a bit, so I smeared a bunch of Ben Gay on it. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. Anyway, I then went to work.
I walked into the office, and the crew senior, who knew my back had been hurting for some time, smelled the mentol from the ointment, and said “Ben Gay?”
I looked at him, and said “No, I’ve been curious, but never really gay.”
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
How did Pinocchio figure out he really was made of wood?
He read a playboy and caught his hand on fire.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
The scene is a restaurant; the atmosphere is formal and subdued. A waiter approaches the table in the centre of the room.
“Would you like to order now sir?”
The gentleman at the table, who has been engrossed in the menu, looks up in a startled way. “Yes, yes I am ready.”
“And what would you like to order sir?
“Could I have the pissoles please?”
A difficult silence. The waiter stands immobile a pencil poised in his hand. Other diners cast surreptitious glances across the floor.
The waiter bends down at a 90 degree angle and whispers to the gentleman. “That is not a p sir, it is the letter ‘r’ and then straightens himself up in a dignified way.
The gentleman looks bewildered and embarrassed and then says.
“I am so sorry, how stupid of me” and then in a louder more confident voice “Can I have the arseholes please.”
I love this Christmastime joke:
At Christmas we were feeling merry but she left so we jumped for joy.
Jamaican Proctologist? Pokemon.
In some one horse town in Somewhere USA two old men sit at the end of the street, the only main street through town to chat and watch the comings and goings of the town’s people. Down at the foot of the hill at the beginning of the street come Grover, the lanky bumpkin who could not buy him a date to the prom if he had a stack of gold bars. He would see a cute girl, walk over, whisper something into her ear, and then she would scoff, step back, and slap the dog crap out of him. He would then proceed up the street and the whole thing will repeat all over again. This happened about 7 times while Grover was walking up the street. By the time he got to the bench with the two old men they were splitting a gut.
Old man #1, “Grover, what in the hell are you saying to those girls?”
Grover, “When I see a I sees a pahtee goil I ask her if she wanna take aride out ta ma daady’s farm and f*** in da hay barn.”
Old man #2, “I would quit telling those pretty girls that, do you know how many times they slapped the s*** out of you coming up the street?”
Grover, I don’t know, I just try to remember the ones who said yes and I f***** ‘em in my daddy’s hay barn.”
additional joke What do you call one homosexual having sex with another homosexual? Ans: A man in the Moon…..
So these two condoms are out on the town celebrating their promotions at the factory. They go bar hopping and walk to a part of town they’ve never been to. Nearly lost, they happen to wander by a gay bar. One looks at the other and says, “OH hey! This look like a great place to get shit faced!”
Alright, I’m home now and don’t have to worry about being quite as politically correct. I debated over telling this one due to it’s somewhat racist content, but since it was told to me by a hispanic guy who also happened to head a crew of folks that did some work on my house last summer, I figure if he can tell it I can pass it along. So, fair warning, if you are one of those people that are incapable of separating true racism from a bit of tongue and cheek humor, then perhaps you should opt not to read further.
So… What did William Travis say to Jim Bowie when they were standing on top of the Alamo and saw a couple of thousand Mexicans coming over the horizon?
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Wait for it…..
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Hey, I didn’t know we were laying concrete today….
I priest, a rabbi, and a bishop walk in to a coffee bar. They were discussing how they do their offerings to God. The priest say “I take everything collected at the service and I toss it in the air. What falls to the left I keep for myself, and what falls to the right I give to God.” The Bishop said “I take everything collected during the service and toss it in the air, what lands heads up I give to God, what lands tails up I keep for myself.” The rabbi said, “I take everything I collect from service and I toss it in the air, what goes up and says up I give to God, what goes up and falls back to earth I keep for myself”.
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy and right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got really big, and he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
I like cats too. Let’s exchange recipes.
An old one:
A rabbi, a lawyer and a giraffe walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “what is this, some kind of joke?”
Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as “4s”?
You’ve heard that Arnold (governor of California) is giving up politics and getting back into the movie industry? He’s got 2 new films in the making that should be released soon….“Sperminator” and “Spread-it-whore”!
What do you get when you cross a Polish person with an Italian?
Someone who makes you an offer you can’t understand!
( I heard the joke with the words “Pollack” and “Waap” but I
wanted to make sure I didn’t use improper or offensive ethnic
slur. I’m not prejudiced against anyone and it’s intended to
be all in fun…thanks).
So… Arnold goes to Maria and says:
“I had a talk with the maid and she wants a raise.”
To which Maria replied:
“Screw her!”
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