Can she blame him for avoiding sex, should he forgive her for the abortion?
An Iraq war vet comes home to his wife, the thought he would never walk again and be paralyzed from the waist down and unable to have kids (which he really, really wanted). He had a very good medical team and they saved his nerves so not only was he not stuck in a chair but also he was still able to have children. His wife confides she did not want to be a mother but thought since he was going to be stuck in a chair she would never have to think about it. As careful as they were while trying to navigate their feelings she becomes pregnant and is adamant about not having it in spite how much she knows he wants to be a dad. One afternoon she goes and has the little nipper sucked out. She tells her husband after she got home and he is livid. However, he did not walk out and leave her, he stops having sex with her. She discovers he is pleasuring himself to pornography, now she is livid. When she ask him why he says he can’t trust having sex with her because if for some reason she gets pregnant again he cannot take having her kill another one of his children so he will make sure she never has the chance again. Can she really blame him for thinking the way he does?
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As a guy, I would feel the way way. This topic can be debated until “all cows come home” and still it will be a personal choice or point of view.
They just sound like they aren’t right for each other.
If he didn’t clear the having kids thing with his wife before married her, he’s an idiot and he deserves what he gets.
Sometimes it happens, where a couple don’t appear right for each other and the relationship continues anyway. I can say I would not stay with her, but I am not in his shoes..
She can blame him, he can blame her. Then, they should both find people more suitable as mates. Clearly they have very different ideas and expectations, so this relationship was doomed from the start.
He could just use condoms. He is kidding himself about why he has stopped having sex with her. It is to punish her.
It is not a productive step in terms of saving their marriage, which really, really needs help. They need counseling. Like now.
They have issues. Just sayin’
Also, I don’t want to start shit, but I just have to say it: having an abortion isn’t the same thing as killing his child. Unless masturbating is him killing billions of his children.
@nikipedia But, it is different to him.
Divorce.
I asked my husband when we were dating if he was ok with abortion and if we found out I was pregnant with a child that had genetic problems if he was ok with aborting. If we had disagreed, not sure I would have married him.
Children is something that needs to be addressed long before a walk down the isle, these two are headed for divorce court. Time for them to find people more suited for themselves then each other.
Excellent question. I had to read it, leave it and think about my reaction. You made me question why I always come down in favor of reproductive choice for women but don’t give the same consideration to men. In a real world scenario, you’d have to consider what each was getting from the relationship besides sex and procreation. Nothing is ever so firmly obvious as one issue, although this would be a major one. I would find myself empathizing with the man in this case, knowing nothing else about the relationship. But it’s a complex scene. She didn’t mislead him if she thought there was no possibility of a pregnancy, so it’s a situational change. Punitive withholding of sex isn’t the ideal solution but I could see his point.
As someone against abortions and the sister of an Iraq vet, I say it’s her fault. However, instead of playing the blame game, this couple just shouldn’t be together. Since, he was overseas, it is clear that they didn’t spend much time together and didn’t realize their differences.
They are BOTH at fault and should either get marital counseling or just sign the divorce papers and be done with it. Sounds like they’ve both been acting stupid.
This is moronic, people usually discuss things like having children before getting married in the first place. They reap what they sow, I guess.
@Neizvestnaya I think “moronic” is rather harsh. I’ve known at least 2 couples who disagreed about having children and assumed the other person would change his/her mind after a few years of marriage. One case, that happened. The other divorced. Point is, even discussion doesn’t guarantee result.
@Blueroses: It is harsh but like you, I’ve seen couples try to work around that part of their relationship and more of them ended up wasting each other’s years and stewing in bitterness and self pity.
If one person in the couple wants babies, and the other doesn’t, it is a huge huge problem. Most couples do not last through this type of disagreement, when they both feel very strongly. Every couple I know in this situation breaks apart.
The only couple I personally know of that has had this issue and stayed together, stayed together only as long as it took for affairs to be discovered, divorced followed.
His feelings are his feelings. You can’t fault someone for feelings. If their relationship is going to survive he is going to have to find a way to forgive her.
@Hypocrisy_Central – You really should find a way to join the writing staff of a night time soap. Like Gossip Girl, or something.
As for your hypothetical scenario, I can see where the man would feel betrayed, and it’s a bad thing not to communicate something as important as not wanting a child to your spouse. But my goodness, they find a different way to resolve this! This is what marital counseling is for.
This scenario has too many bad decisions early on to boil it down to “can she/he blame him/her.” If she was going to have sex with her husband, she should have used birth control. If she did not want to be a mother and found herself pregnant, and knew this would be divisive, why did she tell the husband?
It’s not the “sex/no sex/porn” that is the problem, it’s the abysmally poor communication from the start. At this point the two of them have no business being married to each other.
I would say that this is her fault. She should never have any sex for reproduction purpose without any agreement or discussion with her husband. Why can’t they have sex when they can use condom to prevent unwanted children. If he really want to have a child then he’s feel free to adopt one, not using other people’s uterus for his own selfish pleasure.
Birth control keeps being mentioned, it can fail, it is not 100% if they were in that 1% failure rate a pregnacy can happen even when trying to avoid it. Condoms, pills, etc are not 100%.
I think the wife is mostly at fault here. I believe that if she really didn’t want to go through with the pregnancy then she has the right to an abortion and, ultimately, that should be her choice regardless of how badly he wants to be a parent. However, what I don’t agree with is that she had an abortion without informing her husband. Regardless of her final decision which he can’t really stop, she should have told him. Yes, he would have still been angry at her choice but doing it in secret would surely make that even worse. I can’t see this marriage surviving.
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