After your separation or divorce, what happened that you hadn't been expecting?

I wasn’t expecting the relief, the sense of freedom, and the happiness.

Breaking up was his idea, and I didn’t realize until I was out of it what a dysfunctional relationship we had. I had spent 7 years having my self esteem, my self worth, and my self confidence torn down. While being alone, being on my own, and having to support myself alone was scary, it didn’t take me long to figure out how much better off I was.

Yep, major relief, freedom, bursting with pure JOY, rediscovering myself, some peak spiritual awakenings, growth.

And, most importantly learning, it is true, all we have to fear is fear itself!

As always, when one is TRULY ready, on the deepest level, for change and growth, the universe provides.

When the student is ready….

I can’t begin to recite all the amazing things that manifested in my life when I was finally pushed to the edge of that cliff! :-D

Wow, what great answers so far. Most of the women I know talk about freedom when they divorce, even if it is a struggle during the process of the divorce. I know two women who never wanted divorce and never felt the relief many people describe.

That despite a painful break up, we’re now best friends.

My brother didn’t expect his now ex-wife to walk out of marriage counseling sessions when the therapist’s questions were directed to her about addressing how her husband felt. This happened with three different therapists. He finally just went on his own, and he has learned from the mistakes he made.

He didn’t expect her to drag out the divorce for almost a year as she was the one initiating it. He also didn’t expect the proceedings to take up so much time and money before they got to the final agreement.

He didn’t expect the ex-wife to turn their two daughters against him. Oddly, their son feels no ill will.

My wife and I have never been separated or divorced. But, based on my police experience, I can tell you what couples in trouble have told me.

Most did not realize that they actually love their mate as much as they do. It sometimes takes a separation to realize this. Some say they hate their partner’s body, but love their partner’s personality. Some say they love his family, but despise him. Some say they are much better as friends, rather than being married to each other. And, others have told me they love their freedom, that they never had while married.

I often wonder what makes a person change, once they say “I Do”? It is the fact that the chase game is over and the fun is gone after making the big catch?

Couples should date each other at least 6 months, before tieing the knot. Get to know each other.

@john65pennington I often wonder what makes a person change, once they say “I Do”?

That’s an excellent question. You should ask it.

I felt a huge relief , felt free and had a LOT less work to do. I didn’t expect all this. But I missed his family so much. I never thought I’d be divorcing them too and it was sad when it dawned on me: I want my MIL back! I don’t think she ever forgave me because she didn’t understand what he had done.

@wundayatta they change regardless of whether or not they say I do. Everyone changes throughout their life. And why wouldn’t marriage (and maybe kids) change someone? How could milestones like that not change a person?

@Pied_Pfeffer The daughters sided with the mother and sons with the father, that happens very often. In marriages with mixed religions, often then girls follow the motehrs and the boys the father. Male children tend to identify with their fathers.

I was astonished to find that my daughter had been predicting it privately for a year or more before it happened, and also at how much relief it gave to her when we finally split. On the other hand, I was also surprised that my son resented my leaving (more literally, “allowing her to leave”) – but not surprised (and very gratified) that a year later he was living with me and apologizing for having doubted me.

I didn’t expect it to take so long or cost this much money. It’s been five years this month since I went to an attorney. Trial will finally be next month. All our savings are drained because of the continual delays by my I-hope-soon-to-be ex.

It’s not like we had a complicated situation. She just refused to settle anything.

@JLeslie Their son doesn’t side with either parent.

@zenvelo

Hang in there! Same here, my ex’s refusal to cooperate, big surprise as he is the control freak of the planet lol

Yep, 5 years here too, 4 this year since it was final, including my first attorney having a heart attack in the middle of the proceedings and having to find a new one.

The irony…the day BEFORE my 1st attorney had a near fatal heart attack he said to me, and I quoate…” I’ve gotta get out of family law, it’s killing me!” lol

I knew my life was going to be better after my divorce, but I didn’t know it was going to be 100 times better.

Good for you, @Blackberry !! It’s really true. Even if one is dying of loneliness it’s still great. lol

And so much of society winces when they hear the high divorce rate, according to this thread it is the best thing since sliced bread. Lol.

@JLeslie good point. I think it’s felt to be horrendous because kids can really suffer. Some never get over it. I was lucky. Mine claim they were glad and expected it. Other women have their kids turn against them for life.

@Aster My sister and I used to hope my parents would divorce. My sister is still pissed they aren’t.

@JLeslie It sucks that when I hear someone I know is getting married, or has gotten married, my initial reaction is to wince.

@Blackberry I love being married.

Women flirting with me in a not kidding way.

What good spirits my lawyer seemed to be in every time I called…

@JLeslie I know lol.

I was stunned by how much energy he has focused on making my life miserable after the divorce. When we were first breaking up it seemed to go so smoothly, we mediated every thing and had zero arguments about anything at all. Once the divorce was final it was like he lost his mind! He has literally spent the last year on a campaign to hurt me in any way he can, emotionally, financially, through the children, everything he can possibly think of. That and I was surprised, as others have mentioned, that our break up did not come as a shock to many people.

After I divorced my cheating, manipulative wife…. The Fun came back into my life, I was like a teenager all over again.. Well, like a kid in a sweet shop would be more accurate.. I also found out that not all women are money driven materialistic whores :-/

I was also surprised – “floored” (and hugely gratified) would be a better way to describe it – by how well her family has accepted my leaving. Last year I had occasion to visit them all for the first time after a nine-year separation. I stayed for several days with her brother and his wife, and also visited her parents and her other brother and family. They were uniformly welcoming, and had not a word to say about my prior decision; they all supported it.

The biggest thing I have learned is that ALL relationships have their reasons and seasons, to teach us, to grow from.
I no longer believe in ‘forever’ and I think that is a healthy, well integrated, attitude.

I am not bitter, nor distrusting, nor jaded, but, I AM a whole lot WISER!

When I hear romantic songs and watch movies with the theme of ” I can;t live without you”, instead of romanticizing it now, I think…OMG! so fucked up! No WONDER so many of us were duped by the programming.

I think living in reality is so much better, and certainly liberating, than living in a fairy tale!:-D

Women especially are such suckers for the romance pony that usually turns out to have the kick of a mule. lol

@Coloma
Ditto ;-) Lol…........

@Coloma I also don’t like when people say we’re jaded because we don’t buy into the media portrayed love. Yeah I may have (and still may be) jaded from a divorce, but I still see through BS when it’s there lol.

Yep, the lessons just keep on coming. lol
One of my favorite mantras these days is ” relationships are not there to make you HAPPY, they are there to help you GROW!”

I have let go of two long time female friends in the last year, something inside me told me that they were not genuine friends, capable of true honesty and self reflection.

When I spoke up, they confirmed my intuitions and it was time to let them go.

The lesson I am still needing to pay attention to, is my tendency to give too much benefit of the doubt, instead of really trusting my gut. On the one hand I see this as a desirable quality, to not be overly sensitive or emotionally high maintenance, on the other, it also plays into my fear of speaking up and not being heard or respected.

The good news is…I am feeling really courageous for making, yet another, decision to not keep people in my life that I have outgrown. Patting myself on the ass lol

It was like stepping off a cliff. I didn’t have a home, or a job or money and I couldn’t see how I could survive. There were a few interesting days and weeks but it has all worked out and I have no regrets.

Someone told me once to be careful when divorcing and looking for a new mate. Whatever it was that you didn’t like about your old mate or considered a fault will be strengthened and multiplied in your new mate; if you aren’t careful. From people I’ve met and talked to; this is true.

For instance, I have a friend who said her ex-husband was never home and always worked. When she remarried, her new husband doesn’t work out of town, but works long, long hours and has a kazillion events and activities he must attend for his career.

I have another friend who wasn’t happy with her husband being so controlling. Lo and behold, her new mate is a control freak. Go figure.

@bkcunningham

That’s why any of my future relationships will be confined to 20 acres, 2 houses, and a picnic table in the middle! lol

Freedom.

That sounds like a good plan. My back would be a wreck on the picnic table though @Coloma. Maybe a picnic table and a nice canopy bed under a tree.

@bkcunningham Strange, but in my experience true.

You get to be your own boss.

@bkcunningham

Right, and if it gets to the burning bed zone, the beds already outside.

One canopy bed with a can of charcoal lighter underneath it and a big hose on standby. lol

People can bring their trash and dirty diapers and throw on the fire. RE: another question about trashing the outdoors.

How horrible my ex would be. I truly did not recognise the person. I had no idea of his capacity for meanness and just plan irresponsibility to his children.

My own capacity to get on with it and survive. Also, the relief that the decision was made and I could move on. I equate it to watching dirty water flow down the plug hole and as it left, new opportunities in life opened up for me. I had the option to do things I had never expected.

How many friends and how many people were not real friends.

That life goes on and you do move on and life can be fantastic again.

@Bellatrix

Beautiful! Yep, been there done that too!
It’s a constant, keeping the garden weed free so the flowers can bloom. lol

Yes! @Coloma. Got to keep digging those weeds out so the beautiful flowers can bloom.

My ex husband and I filed a no-contest, amicable divorce but during the 6month period before the divorce was legally final, we became haters! I never imagined I’d be so pissy and he didn’t anticipate his irritation with me but when it was over we went back to our friendship and even threw a divorce party so we could try to transition our best mutual friends.

I realized how unhappy the last 4 years of my life had been and that it didn’t have to be that way anymore. I also didn’t expect to feel so guilty for leaving but once I got past that and forgave myself, as well as my ex, I started truly living life and enjoying little things I had never enjoyed before.