Do kids really need both parents' families to be their "family"?

No, they don’t. Sadly, they might like the baby more than you. Grandparents go all gooey for that kind of thing and can simultaneously hate the person who brought the baby into the world. People are all kinds of twisted.

Children get different things that they need to be a well-rounded person from each parent. However, what they really don’t need is to be a pawn between people. Depending on where you live, unless the father decides to terminate parental rights, your baby is only half yours. You are probably going to have to deal with them in some manner or another for the next 18 years.

You don’t say how old you are, but time and holding your tongue can change a lot of things. Sometimes you just have to be patient, and be the bigger person.

I adopted by myself 2 little girls though I would have wanted a perfect situation of 2 parents, as long as you can find male role models to have in your childs life that are good you and your are a good parent you will be fine as a single parent. I think it helps to show a child both sexes as role models so I have both my brother and step-father in their lives as their male role models and they are very happy healthy children.

@BarnacleBill I am 25 and will be 26 next month.

I am going back to Japan where my parents live to give a birth to this baby and am planning on coming back to the States after a little while so all three of us can live together. Since my boyfriend/fiance-ish is joining the Army, we will for sure living away from all his side of family members. I know that my him and I will be great parents and my parents will be wonderful grand parents. I just don’t want his side of family to act like they are “family” without doing anything for the baby. I just hope things will be better and to be close to my ideal family relationship after the baby is born…

Just my experience..but my parents didn’t seem so gung-ho to be involved with my step-daughter until they met her, held her on their laps…and fell in love. My mom was actually not exactly thrilled when I announced I was expecting her first grandchild either. Yeah. Not so supportive.

Sometimes people don’t do well with hypothetical or conceptual situations.
Give them some time to come around. I’d take a wait and see approach.
Maybe they’ll step up and want to be a part of your baby’s life…or maybe they won’t. It’ll be THEIR loss if they don’t.

Also, bear in mind they might not know what kind of support to offer you at this stage..while you’re expecting the baby. Not excusing their lack or support or lack of attempts to get to know you…just saying, don’t count them out just yet.

FWIW, my husband’s parents are the “drop everything and help out” kind of grandparents…and my family… not so much. Luckily we live near his parents. ;)

My husband’s parents have been divorced since before we even met. His father stopped talking to us when our oldest son was just a baby. Our oldest son is now almost 19, and we also have a 17 year old and a 7 year old. Their “grandfather” has never acknowledged our children. No telephone calls, birthday cards, Christmas cards, nothing. My husband and I, along with our daughter, had a chance encounter with him at a doctor’s office when our daughter was a baby. He completely ignored us, and his granddaughter he had never met. My children are better off not knowing this man.

No, kids don’t need both parents families in their life. They can turn out just fine. But I would not keep my child from a grandparent who wants to know their grandchildren. Your child may resent you for it some day.

@geeky_mama and @jonsblond Thank you for sharing your experiences and stories. I appreciate it.

My experience of this is a strange one that I still debate a lot over and over in my mind. My parents were highschool sweethearts who divorced amicably when I was a toddler, both were successful business people at the time. I went 5–6 years without hearing any word from Dad which was fine because I didn’t know any better, he turned up when I was 8 years old and proceeded to have a decent part of my time for the next 8 years. I would go and visit him in the south of England maybe 5–6 times a year for a week or so and he would show me great things I wouldn’t be able to see in the countryside of the north, he even moved to Holland for a couple of years and that was pretty enlightening for a young teen, too.

By the time I was 16 my mum’s marriage was long failing and dying it’s last death, but a couple of years prior to that my dad and I had been talking about me moving south to live with his new wife and my visits to his place became more of a ‘buttering up’ to their lifestyle. I was excited for this move for a long time, right up until the divorce was official with my mum (whose success by the way had faltered significantly). I now had to decide between this new wealthy lifestyle with my dad (whose success had skyrocketed) and abandon my mum to some guy I’d never met in this old, tired town on the coast, OR stay with my mum during this all important transition and disappoint my dad by dismissing 2 years of preparation.

The decision was pretty horrible and as a 16 year old I think my emotions had overridden my logic. I stayed with my mum, effectively dropping down a social class and cutting out many opportunities for myself, just to stay comfy.

Do kids really need both parents’ families to be their family?

Yeah, I loved having two families, it was brilliant, right up until I had to choose between the two.

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Wow, I can’t believe I just shared all that from the guilt-vault in my head.

Sounds like you have some conflict going before the child is even there. Sorry to hear that.
Aside from the grandparents or family, how does the father feel or act about it an you is the most important thing.
There is a flaw in your comment about letting the child decide at an older age what kind of relationship they can have with the fathers side of the family. If there is no nurturing to have any kind of relationship with them from the start, that will never occur. Besides, that is a terrible pressure on a child to “have to decide”
You certainly have a right to be protective and keep your child out of harms way and in positive environments. But you have to be fair to the Father as he more than likely would want to nurture family and grandparents roles.
I understand this might be difficult to see if they are not very nice to you.
But unless there is some reason that they are treating the baby badly, why should they be deprived? Isn’t this a bit of putting the cart before the horse?
Don;t get me wrong, I am a single parent and have been a few rounds on that topic.
I am not sure there is enough information about the fathers role and desires here for me to answer more.

Have you talked with your bf re his parents’ outlook yowards you? Does he share your assesment? What does he think his parents will be like once the baby arrives?
Perhaps you should take those things into consideration before making such a decision… ?

Right now, their words are cheap. I suggest you wait until your baby is born and you will see a big change in them.

Blood is thicker than water and once they realize they are new grandparents, you will not be able to keep them away.

Go slow and wait for your delivery. They will come around.

@People have a tendency to totally change once they see the baby. Might be better not to do anything until then.

@Bagardbilla He knows and understands that I don’t want anything to do with them even after the baby’s born. He is not sure how they are going to act once the baby arrives though. But at least he is on my side/with me on this.
@trickface Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I am a family oriented person. I have always got along really well with all my exes family. I don’t know what their problem is, to be honest. I want my boyfriend’s family to be around the baby as he/she grows up, but the way they are to me, ummm I don’t know. It makes me not want to come back to the States and instead raise the baby in Japan even =(

In ansewr to your question, no. The most important “family” in that child’s life is you and your boyfriend. Although it would be nice to have both sets of grandparents involved in a child’s life, that’s not always possible, or even desirable. That’s especially true if the grandparents aren’t interested in a relationship with the child. However, your boyfriend’s parents may change their tune once the baby is born. As @Simone_De_Beauvoir noted, they won’t necessarily be more receptive to you (funny how that works). With that said, if your bf wants them to be involved, or if you live nearby, you may have to accept some level of involvement from them. I would adopt a “wait and see” approach. Don’t seek them out. Just keep taking care of yourself and enjoying your relationship with your bf. If they show an interest in the baby, give them a chance to prove what type of grandparents they’ll be, and then you can decide what to do.

Whether they care for you and whether they (will) care for the baby can be (strangely enough) two separate things. If you think it would be more harmful than beneficial to have them in your child’s life, cut ties with them. If you’re thinking about cutting them out to punish them for not caring about you, I think you might be doing more harm to your child than good. To answer your actual question, no. I don’t think a child needs both sides of their family. But growing up with all this brewing tension is never healthy for anyone. Wait until after you give birth to see how they respond before you decide. But also try to come to some sort of truce before they’re old enough to pick up on that sort of stuff.

What are you, 12? Your child DESERVES to be part of all of his or her family. It’s YOUR job to make that happen. It’s time for you to grow up!!! Your boyfriend’s family not liking you is hardly a logical assumption they will not like and love their grandchild. Poor kids born in such situations.

I didn’t really know my father or his side of the family past their names.

I turned out fine. I’ve never wanted to know them – beyond getting my paternal grandmother’s applie pie recipe.

You don’t have to have anyone in your child’s life that you don’t want there.

But I cannot emphasize this enough – do not talk shit about them. Stay civil and polite, and don’t pass on the hate to them and rob them of the choice of knowing them when s/he’s older. Keep a friendly bridge, but don’t go bending over backwards for asshats.

A kid needs as much family as can be reasonably provided.

Please consider the best interest of the child, not your own hangups about whether they like you or not.

no necessarily. I was raised by my mom, still I am functional and I kinda am grateful for divorcing him. He kicked my a…every chance he got and hurted her. I simply am proud of her for leaving him.

Ladydragon…........great answer.

@asmonet GA. Keeping the high road is best. Also, your answer brings up another point: Even if the OP is civil, would the grandparents behave in like fashion, or would they trash-talk the OP in front of her child? If the latter, that would not be a healthy environment for a young child.