Where do you draw the line between pressure and consent? NSFW.
Asked by
Haleth (
18947
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June 8th, 2011
Based on the two threads below (Men, have you ever pressured someone into sex? Women, have you ever been pressured into sex?)
In the women’s thread, the answers tended toward yes. In the men’s thread, the answers tended toward no. There could be a number of reasons for this.
It’s hard to admit that you’ve done wrong, but it’s relatively easier to admit that wrong has been done to you. There’s a small sample size, so it’s may not be representative of all men and women.
I’m also wondering if men and women have different perceptions about what constitutes pressure vs. consent. It’s definitely a grey area. A man may feel that he hasn’t pressured his partner if he seduces/persuades her into sex, but a woman might feel pressured by the same behavior. Where do you draw that line?
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9 Answers
When you notice your sexual partner is not enjoying themselves. It can’t be that difficult to notice.
I think the line you’re going for might not be between pressure and consent—pressure is used to obtain consent. The line I worry about is between, say, convincing and coercing—you want to convince your partner this is something she also wants and will enjoy (and you have to truly, in good faith believe that to be accurate); you do NOT want to coerce the person into doing something s/he really doesn’t want to do.
After the third time.
Please, I need some sleep!
A weak willed,weak minded person is the difference.
A strong willed,strond minded woman is not coerced.She enters into the situation willingly and knowingly.She is fully aware of her descison and actions.
I draw the line if it is mentioned once and I have said no. Repeatedly asking again constitutes pressure.
You get to ask me twice, although if you repeatedly ask me twice (on anything), it’s going to be an issue. If I constantly have to tell you that, no, I really don’t want guacamole on my tacos, even though you think it’s awesome, that’s really not much better than constantly having to tell you no in the sack – the point is, you’re not respecting my decision and my ability to make those decisions. However, every once in awhile, you can ask again – present your argument, calmly, rationally, without whining or begging or insults or insinuations that I won’t be “good” if I don’t, or whatever. If, after that, I still say no, and you don’t drop it, we’ve entered into a really inappropriate area.
For me, the real line between making a case for doing it (convincing) and pressuring or coercing me is in your tone. Begging, whining, put-downs, insults, veiled threats, ultimatums – anything manipulative and/or anything used by salespeople to get me to buy their product isn’t going to be ok. An appropriate line might be “I really hope you’ll reconsider. I’m leaving tomorrow for a business trip, and if you’re up for it, I’d love to be with you before I’m gone for the weekend and we can’t for a couple days.” The inappropriate version might be “You really need to change your mind, because otherwise I’ll have these needs unfulfilled while I’m gone over the weekend, and I know you wouldn’t want that”. If I did it to you, and you would call it “nagging”, it’s pressuring.
I have never had to pressure a woman and feel sorry for those that have or tried. Though there were a few times I said no to very aggressive women and they looked at me like I was nuts. Some people do just think they can get what they want when they want and that too is most unfortunate.
Where do I draw the line? If the woman says “no” and the man keeps trying to persuade her and then she says yes. To me that is consent. If the woman says no and the man black mails her or uses force (God forbid) then that is not consent.
@nikipedia Great answer- that’s what I was getting at, but I couldn’t find the right words. And it’s very important to be precise when discussing sensitive topics like this one.
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