What is the best comeback you have ever heard?

The way I remember it, I could cook up a nice plate of sarcasm back in the day. I’m trying to break myself from it, however, as I found that I was capable of going days without uttering a single non-sarcastic statement. It was exhausting to the people around me, who had no idea what I was talking about after awhile.

Now, when some verbally jabs me, I just smile and ask them if they would like a glass of water.

One friend, “Missed you lately.”

Second friend, “Missed you too but my aim is getting better.”

- You are really stupid.
– No you are really stupid.
– Hey! If I wanted my own “comeback” I would go ask your mother.

So what is your excuse?

My favorites are from Dorothy Parker.

During a word game, she was challenged to use the word horticulture in a sentence. Her reply: You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.

As a teen, I hated when Mom asked me to fetch this and that inside the house so most of the time even if that thing was just in front of me, I just really could not see it due to my extreme disinterest. She would be sarcastic saying, “If that was a snake you’re looking for, you would be bitten and drop dead by now.” After more than six or seven similar occasions, I ended up with my own sarcasm replying, “Well if I was looking for a snake, I’d probably would ask you to get it for me.”

In a similar vein to @poisonedantidote…

-You are a douchenozzle.
-Lol, no u.
-Seriously? If I wanted the come back I’d scrape it off your girlfriend’s chin.

“Well, the jerk store called, they’re running out of you!”

Not really a comeback but this one time I was at this rivethead bar, and these dudes that were stomping around the dance floor got into a fight with the dancers, since they all kept bumping into one another. Some guy yelled out ’‘die, vile asshole!’’ it was fuckin funny lol.

Only in places like that lol.

Nancy Astor was a native Virginian who became Britain’s first woman member of the House of Commons. In the 1930’s she headed a clique in the House of Commons that found something to admire in Hitler’s Germany. Churchill described an Astorite as an appeaser “who feeds the crocodile hoping that it will eat him last.” One time shortly thereafter, Churchill found himself at Cliveden, the Astor mansion.

After dinner Lady Astor presided over the pouring of coffee. When Churchill came by, she glared and said. “Winston, if I were your wife, I’d put poison in your coffee.” “Nancy,” Churchill replied to the acid-tongued woman, “if I were your husband, I’d drink it.”

source

@filmfann Churchill was great at delivering comebacks. There was another instance that went something like this (obviously paraphrased and I’m too lazy to google the actual transcript of what was said)....

Old battleaxe in parliament (to an obviously drunk Churchill): You sir are drunk!
Churchill: Yeah, well you’re ugly, and tomorrow I’ll be sober.

Another historical favorite from Lillie Langtry, consort of the Prince of Wales circa 1877.

Edward complained “I’ve spent enough on you to build a battleship!”
Lillie retorted, “You’ve spent enough in me to float one!”

@filmfann I adore that Churchill quote and was going to use it or the one @Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard alluded to. Both are taken, but I can give you the verbatim version of Churchill’s brilliant putdown of Lady Braddock when she insulted his drunkenness. The discussion went as follows,

“You are drunk Sir Winston, you are disgustingly drunk.”

‘Yes, Mrs. Braddock, I am drunk. But you, Mrs. Braddock are ugly, and disgustingly fat. But, tomorrow morning, I, Winston Churchill will be sober.”

So robbed of my favorite Churchill barbs, I will turn to a man far more renown for his pacifism and tireless work for civil rights than for his acerbic wit. After having won India’s independence from Great Britain, Chandi visited London and was the talk of the town. Everywhere he went, reporters and photographers bombarded him with mostly inane questions. In one such encounter, a reporter shouted, “What do you think of Western civilization?”

His comeback forever established that Ghandi had as much wit as stubborn determination. He replied, “I think it would be a good idea.”

I know you are but what am I? You can never top it because they’ll just give it to you again.

My girlfriend’s brother was at a bar in Charleston and a dude came up to him and said “You fucking fag”. My girlfriend’s brother (straight) turned to him and said: I’m not gay, but, with that pink shirt (that the guy was wearing) and those titties, I’d fuck you in the ass”.

The best comeback I’ve read recently was this- “Maybe you should visit the Emerald City so the Wizard can give that straw man a brain, because he’s currently stupid as hell.”

Most of my favorite historical comebacks come from the brilliant Dorothy Parker-

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

“So, you’re the man who can’t spell ‘fuck.’” Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced him to replace the word with ‘fug’ in The Naked and the Dead

“This wasn’t just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”

Anything that alludes, indirectly or otherwise, to your mothers sexual history & you’re good to go.